Spider-Man 2; the Parody (spoilers, humour, 1/1)

[Adrian Tullberg]

SPIDER-MAN 2; THE PARODY.
By Adrian Tullberg.

***

PETER PARKER is pushed around, abused, extorted, and the high point of his day is to be assaulted by a closet full of brooms.

PETER
Despite the fact I could easily make a living as a career athlete and still have time for super-heroics, not to mention the skills to make a professional-looking costume on a zero budget I am stuck in a series of dead-end jobs which I can’t even keep. The crappitude of my life is even extending itself to my only living relative.

HARRY OSBOURNE
Despite the fact I’m the sole heir of a corporation that was, in the first film, one of the major suppliers to the US Military, I can’t seem to extend a line of credit to you or your destitute aunt because I HATE SPIDER-MAN SO MUCH!

MARY-JANE WATSON
I can’t agree with Harry on his stance on Spider-Man, but I can’t seem to give some cash to either of you because you rejected me.

PETER
Oh, I can’t let her into my life because that would endanger her …

MALE SECTION OF AUDIENCE
Jesus Christ. If Kevin Costner has taught us anything, FIRST you nail her, THEN you act all moral and ditch the bitch.

PETER tries to see MJ’s play, but is stopped by THE WORLD’S MOST ANAL USHER.

USHER
You must leave.

PETER
Why?

USHER
To teach you the importance of keeping an appointment, scum.

PETER
Listen, I am marching into that theatre to see the woman that I love, and nothing on this Earth ...

USHER
Boomstick.

PETER
Leaving.

HARRY
Okay, so maybe I can’t find it in my heart to let you have some cash, stopping your aunt dying in the street. But I can help your homework assignment and let you see Otto Octavius’ all-important fusion experiment.

OTTO reveals the four massive arms in his laboratory.

OCTAVIUS
The idea for these came to me when on a chat session, the question was posed wether it was physically possible to satisfy eight women at the same time. Now with this device and strategically placed furniture, it is now a reality. Of course to get funding for this I had to say I wanted to make a device that could allow me to handle hazardous objects safely, instead of using undergrads like everyone else. Of course to STOP THE ARMS FROM CONTROLLING ME, I have this INHIBITOR CHIP ON TOP OF THE HARNESS.

RANDOM WOMAN IN THE CROWD
Isn’t having such a critical component out in the open instead of shielded within the mechanism … well, stupid?

OCTAVIUS
Shut up woman! We begin!

OCTAVIUS’ experiment begins to go wrong – metal from everywhere starts being pulled into the miniature sun.

PETER
Ha! And you laughed when Raimi insisted on organic webshooters!

HARRY
You saved my life, but I still hate you!

HOWEVER, OTTO’s Wife DIES and his MECHANICAL ARMS FUSE to his BODY.

In the SURGERY, the ARMS ATTACK! FAST POV SHOTS just before SCREAMING victims are CRAGGED TO THEIR DEATH! A surgeon tries to FIGHT of the ARMS with a CHAINSAW!

EVIL DEAD FANS
RAIMI YOU TEASING BASTARD!

PETER
On top of the general sewage pit that’s my life, my powers are crapping out.

DOCTOR
Maybe this is a subtle sign of you needing to give up this double life. Of course, I’m the only doctor who managed to totally miss the apertures where the clinging hairs in your fingers emerge, not to mention those gaping holes in your wrists where the webbing spinnerettes are, so I wouldn’t make any major life decisions based on this advice.

TOO LATE, because PETER has traded being a hero for the life of being an ACADEMIC BROWNNOSE.

J.J. JAMESON
You’re fired!

PETER
Well, you’re hair isn’t as weird as Trump. Why the hell do I take this abuse from you when there’s several other newspapers and magazines in this town?

COMIC BOOK OBSESSIVES IN THE AUDIENCE
It’s part of your central mythology! Do what we say or the forces of aintitcoolnews.com will be unleashed!

PETER is sent to a society party where HE IS TREATED LIKE SCUM in case we missed the previous hour of the film

HARRY
Despite the fact that my company legally owns the patents to the device which allowed a rather plump scientist to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a man with superhuman strength and agility, which will easily make ten times the losses incurred from that little failed experiment, not to mention the billions from resulting technologies in bionics and possible spinal replacement, I’m still bummed because I hate Spider-Man for killing my father! I hate him!

PETER
Lemme get this straight. You hate a guy because you think he killed the man who changed your name via deed poll to 'Worthless Cocksucker' on your fifteenth birthday?

HARRY
He was a great guy.

PETER
Dude, you need either therapy or a blowjob. And I don't own any kneepads.

HARRY
And you call yourself a friend!

MJ
And I’m getting married to your boss’ hero son.

HARRY, while brooding over Spider-Man, is visited by OCTAVIUS

OCTAVIUS
Despite the fact that I probably know who has the Magic Juice I need for my dangerous experiment, and the sheer power to just take it, I decided to make a daddy’s boy like you get it for me.

HARRY
Bring Spider-Man to me and you’ll get your … stuff.

In a coffee ship, to the surprise to anyone who’s missed a trailer, a CAR nearly crushes PETER and MJ.

PETER
Why the hell did you do that?

OCTAVIUS
Do you know how hard it is to find a parking spot in Manhattan?

OCTAVIUS grabs MJ.

OCTAVIUS
Now either bring me Spider-Man, or me and the 'redhead' will start filming the first ever live action tentacle hentai!

MJ
Peter? No rush.

RIGHTIOUS ANGER fills PETER, and he discards his glasses despite the fact his powers and sight have currently been less reliable than a TRADESMAN keeping an appointment.

A MASSIVE CGI battle is fought on top of a moving train.

DOC OCK starts throwing people off and SABOTAGING the BRAKES.

THE MASK is DISCARDED, so TOBEY can EMOTE while stopping the runaway train, even though A WHOLE SUBWAY CAR full of STRANGERS sees HIS FACE.

OCTAVIUS brings SPIDER-MAN to HARRY, who FINDS OUT HIS SECRET IDENTITY!

HARRY
Oh My God! It was you! All along! Even though it seems frickin’ obvious once you think about it …

PETER
Look, I’d love to have a Springer moment with you, but Octavius has the tritium which could recreate that apocalyptic experiment of his?

HARRY
Oh so that’s why he wanted it …

PETER
It’s a good thing you inherited the company, that’s all I can say …

A MASSIVE BATTLE is held in a broken down property near the river … a lot like the first film …

SPIDER-MAN takes off his mask again, exposing his identity to the two only people who didn’t know his identity in this flick.

SPIDER-MAN
How do we stop this fusion reaction?

OCTAVIUS
It’s self-sustaining! Drown it!

SPIDER-MAN
If it’s self-sustaining, isn’t there a good chance that it’ll keep on going until it consumes the planet?

OCTAVIUS
Nah, we’re too near the end of the film.

OCTAVIUS dies a heroic death

MJ
Somehow … I knew it was you, all along.

PETER
That’s one of those bullshit covering-up responses, isn’t it?

MJ
Yeah. ‘fraid so.

PETER
Look this is the reason we can’t get together, okay?

MJ ditches her wedding with the NORMAL, ECONOMICALLY SECURE ASTRONAUT.

MJ
Despite the fact that you’re probably going to be chasing more sirens than a desperate lawyer, and you have this unnatural repelling force towards cash, assets or steady income, it’s you and me baby.

This bit of good news stops Peter from the few hours needed to SMOOTH THINGS OVER with the emotionally unstable man with the FORTUNE and GOBLIN ARSENAL in his closet …

[Shroom Man 777]

I must say it's good. Not laugh-your-ass-off good, but I like it.