StarDestroyer.Net BBS

My story is far from finished but Chapter 1 is ready. I'd try to be a little friendly about my return, but I'm just gonna sit back and watch the bashing commence.

http://www.geocities.com/sovereign_empire/Main.html
http://www.geocities.com/sovereign_empire/Chapter1.html

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http://www.geocities.com/sovereign_empire/Chapter1.html

Hot damn, thats a real fine fanfic, makes StarCrossed look like Goldilocks.

How about just posting it?

Boy oh boy. Reading about your lack of bandwidth sure is fun.

It's up.

I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us.

Ack, I think a better alternative would be for the commander saying to have it catalogued for a science team to look into. After all it damn well just pop out of nowhere.

One more thing, how did that crewman magnetised the phaser?

I do like the fact that the ship seems to have been scuttled though.

Not bad imo, riding the vortex must've been one hell of a ride.

Edit: I would also suggest you have a better title than what's up now.

Aya wrote:

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http://www.geocities.com/sovereign_empire/Chapter1.html

Hot damn, thats a real fine fanfic, makes StarCrossed look like Goldilocks.

How about just posting it?

Hmm, its been a while since I have had a problem with that, but It happens I guess. Here is the story for all to enjoy...

Chapter 1

The vortex rippled in front of the Imperial Star Destroyer Relentless. Grand Admiral Sorion Karr was astonished at how violent the wave was. The Relentless slowly rocked as the ripple impacted with the deflector shields. The ship and her crew were in no danger at this distance. Admiral Karr stepped over to a man sitting at a security consol.
"What is the analysis on the anomaly ensign?" Sitting at the consol was a young ensign, fresh from the academy. He read over the readouts to himself silently, confused.
"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."
"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.
"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.
"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."
"Aye Sir." said the helmsman to the left of the Admiral. The Relentless slowly turned away from the anomaly and headed for a safe distance to enter light speed. But as she began to move, the anomaly flashed, and the Relentless came to a halt.
"What the Hell was that!?" Karr asked, shaken by the brightness. Every man on the Bridge was puzzled, unsure if they were attacked. A siren went off, and everyone took there stations.
"Admiral Karr, I'm detecting a ship inside the Vortex!" Shouted the ensign. Karr ran over to the monitor. "There is an Ion Charge!" Karr's mouth dropped.
"Get us out of here!" He shouted, but it was too late. The Vortex erupted into energy and absorbed the Relentless.

The Enterprise elegantly cruised through the stars in its ongoing mission of peaceful exploration. She has spent the last 3 weeks cataloging gaseous anomalies in the Beta Quadrant. The crew was thought of this as a much needed vacation after spending so much time fighting the Dominion, and then the Reman uprising on Romulus. Captain Jean-luc Picard sat in his ready room sipping glass of hot tea. He was looking over his display of last nights sensor readings when he was interrupted by his door charm.
"Come." He said taking another sip of tea. Commander Madden walked in with another data Padd. He seemed very proud of this particular one.
"Here is this morning's sensor analysis of the Nebula Captain."
"Thank you Number One, anything else to report?" Picard said, taking the Padd from Madden. Madden put his arms behind his back and put a smile on his face.
"Actually sir, there is. There is another Nebula six light-years from our current position." Picard put the Padd down on the table and took another sip of tea. "It seems captain, that from this distance, our sensors cannot identify the Nebula's composition. It could be an unknown element." Picard looked up, intrigued.
"Set course immediately Commander, this might just make our trip worthwhile." Commander Madden nodded to the Captain and turned to exit. Before he reached the door, the ship rocked violently throwing him off balance. He grabbed the wall for support.
"What the hell was that?" He asked, even if he knew the captain didn't know either. They looked out the window to see the stars stop moving, but they could feel that the ship had come to a stop even without the window.

Picard and Madden strode onto the bridge and took there positions in the command area. The crew was ready; already trying to find answers to question they knew was coming. "What's going on?" Picard asked. Lt. Perim sat down at the conn and began scanning. The young Trill had been away when the Enterprise when they engaged the Scimitar. She wished she could have been there that day.
"There was some kind of energy build up just ahead of us, sensors are temporally shut down." She said. She turned and looked to the captain. "We still have visual though." Picard nodded.
"Let's see what's out there." The view screen activated and their eyes were met with a swirling vortex. The turbo lift doors open and Commander LaForge stepped onto the bridge, looking up at the view screen. "Geordi, can you get sensors back online?" Picard asked. LaForge sat down at the engineering station and began working.
"Sensors are coming back online, now." He said. He turned and looked at the view screen again. Lt. Perim began to scan the area. "The vortex is creating some kind of Ionic pulse. It doesn't seem to be doing any damage to the shields or the hull." Picard thought for a moment, wondering what should be done. Before he could give an order, the vortex flashed, and the Enterprise shook for a slight moment.
"Captain," Perim began. "I'm detecting a vessel; its being pulled threw the vortex."
"Back us away, nice and slow." Picard ordered. The Enterprise began to reverse slowly, as the vessel emerged from the vortex. The wedge shaped vessel dwarfed the tiny Sovereign Battlecruiser. Once the vessel was through, the vortex closed leaving the two ships alone. "Tactical Analysis Mr. Daniels." Picard Ordered. At tactical, Commander Daniels looked over his display of the alien ships tactical capabilities.
"I'm detecting 100 light plasma weapons and 60 Heavy plasma weapons. There also seems to be some kind of ion cannon." Everyone on the bridge stared up at the massive ship. Commander Madden was the first to break the silence.
"She doesn't seem to be a ship of exploration, does she?" He said. Picard looked over to Perim.
"Any life signs Lieutenant?" Perim scanned over the readouts.
"I'm detecting over 10,000 persons on board." She turned and looked at the captain, unsure if her readings were correct. "They're all human." Picard and Madden looked at each other.
"It's not a Starfleet vessel." Madden said.
"No it defiantly is not." Picard replied. They both looked up at the vessel. "Are the life signs stable?"
"Negative, they're faint." Perim replied. Picard looked back at Madden.
"Number one, take an away team aboard the vessel and tend to the wounded. Try and make contact with the Bridge. Arm yourselves, but try to make peaceful contact." Madden nodded briefly.
"Aye sir." Madden stood up and headed to the turbo lift. As he passed by, he pointed to Daniels and activated his comm. Badge. "Daniels, you're with me. Security and Medical teams to Transporter room 3".

The corridor was dark until momentarily brightened by the transporter beams. Commander Madden and his team stood ready with Phaser Rifles, shinning their flashlights around the deck. Doctor Ogawa stood ready with her medical tricorder. Madden looked around, the light of his gun and flashlight shined over the black tiled floor and down the corridor. "Split up and search for survivors. Keep in contact at all times." The team split up in teams of two in different directions. Madden and Daniels searched around more corridors, finding emptiness in everyone.
"Doesn't look like 10,000 persons." Daniels said. Madden nodded, and continued on.
"Stay on your guard Lt. this vessel is clearly a warship. No telling what kind of defenses are hiding in the shadows." Daniels looked at his tricorder.
"I'm not detecting anything" But before he could look back up, they were both startled when a bright red bolt of energy shot at them, causing sparks as it hit the wall next to them. They two men quickly jumped back behind a bulkhead shining the light on their rifles in the direction of the shot. Two figures in white armor got into a firing position and looked over to them.
"Hold your fire! We're here to help you!" Madden shouted. But the white troopers continued their fire. Daniels looked at Madden.
"We have no choice commander." Madden nodded and the two men raised their rifles. They both fired a shot, hitting two of the troopers. The Two troopers fell to the ground, but stood back up, their armor slightly burned by the shots. Once standing, they continued to fire. Madden and Daniels leaned back against the wall.
"We can't stun them with that armor on." Said Madden. "We're gonna have to set our Phasers to kill." Daniels looked at him with hesitation, but then quickly adjusted his rifle to kill setting. He took a deep breath and charged towards the other wall, firing off two shots at the troopers, while Madden covered him with three shots of his own. Two of the troops were hit once again, this time staying down. The third trooper started to back away, firing at Daniels, but before he could get away, Madden fired another shot into the trooper's abdomen. The armored trooper fell backwards, his gun flying into the air. Madden and Daniels ran over to him. Madden quickly activated his comm. Badge and signaled for help.
"Madden to Ogawa, Medical emergency." Daniels reached down a lifted the trooper's helmet off, revealing a young human male. He was just a boy, in his early teens. Madden and Daniels was aghast at how young the boy was. He was gasping for air, sweat sliding down from his forehead. Daniels lifted the boys head up and gave him some water he had in his pack. Ogawa came around the corner and ran up to them. She scanned his body quickly.
"He has severe burns to his abdomen. He is bleeding to death." She said. She quickly pulled out her medical equipment and began to scan his wounds, but was unable to stop the bleeding. He died a few seconds after. The three looked at each other. "What happened?" Ogawa asked. A nurse removed the helmets of the other two guards, and checked their pulses. "These two are dead too." She said. Madden looked up at Ogawa, standing up.
"We were attacked. We tried to tell them we were here to help, but they didn't stop." Daniels continued what happened. "We couldn't stun them through the armor. We had to bring them down." They were silent for a moment, but there comm. Badges signaled.
"McClure to Commander Madden."
"Madden here, go ahead commander"
"We have found the entrance to the bridge."
"Good job, we're on our way, Madden out."

Lt. Commander Thomas McClure stood with his team in front of a gigantic armored door. His team searched for ways in, but could not find any. Madden, Daniels, and Ogawa walked up to them, staring up at the door. Ogawa scanned her tricorder. "I'm detecting people inside that room. Their signals are faint." McClure walked up to Commander Madden.
"The armor is too thick for our Phasers to cut through." Daniels stepped away from the door and pulled out his type-1 hand Phaser.
"Maybe if we set the Phaser to self destruct, its blast may allow us to get in.? Madden looked at McClure. He just raised his shoulders.
"It's worth a shot." He said. Madden then nodded to Daniels, who magnetized the Phaser and attached it to the door. The team headed away from the door to a safe distance and watched, as Daniels set it to overload. Once, done he ran to them and watched.
"Fire in the hole!" he shouted as the Phaser exploded. The explosion was massive, shaking the walls with a force of 7.2 million megajoules! When it stopped and the smoke cleared, they walked up to the door. It was singed but still standing. "Damn it!" Daniels shouted. "That would've vaporized 3 meters of Tritanium armor!" They looked at the armor in awe. McClure pulled out his tricorder and scanned it.
"We didn't penetrate it, but we weakened it. If we set our rifles to full power we should be able to break it." Madden looked around at everyone and then nodded.
"Set rifles to pulse, and set to full power." They all nodded and did so. The three men stood back and took aim at the center of the door and Fired. The door sparked rocked, but did not break. "Again." Madden ordered. They fired; the door shook even harder, but still did not break. "Again!" He shouted once more. They fired another shot, and this time the door's center shattered into peaces unto the floor. They charged into the room and scanned the area. Men lay around the bridge, unconscious. Ogawa tended to the men while Madden looked up. There was no visible view screen but three massive windows looked out into space. Madden grinned as he stared up at the Enterprise hovering in front of them. McClure and the other security personnel secured the bridge while Ogawa and her nurses cared for the crew. Madden looked around the bridge at all the systems. Most of them were destroyed or malfunctioning. He continued to search when he was called.
"Commander Madden." Ogawa called out. Madden walked over to her. She was kneeling above a man in a decorative uniform. Madden didn't recognize it, but could clearly tell the man was of a very high rank.
"Is he alive?" He asked. Ogawa nodded.
"Yes, but he will die if I don't get him back to the Enterprise." Madden approved with a nod and she bent down to the man activating her comm. Badge. "Ogawa to Enterprise. Two to beam directly to sickbay." Within seconds, the two were beamed away.

Soontir C'boath wrote:It's up.

I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us.

Ack, I think a better alternative would be for the commander saying to have it catalogued for a science team to look into. After all it damn well just pop out of nowhere.

One more thing, how did that crewman magnetised the phaser?

I do like the fact that the ship seems to have been scuttled though.

Not bad imo, riding the vortex must've been one hell of a ride.

Edit: I would also suggest you have a better title than what's up now.

I only figured the Admiral would have more important things to do than investigate the anomaly, only because they are "doing something else" out there which I will reveal later in the next several chapters. Under any other circumstance you would be right though, it would be logical to send a science team over.
To be honest on the phaser though, I have no idea how they do it. The Phasers in First Contact could be magnetized to the hull so they didn’t float away, so I only assumed there was a button to push or something, lol.
A better title is the number one thing on my mind at the moment. I couldn’t think of one so I just pointed out what it was. I'll think of a name and label it when I can.

I liked, it do want to see more.

Looks a ok so far...

Line breaks, dude. You need a lot more of them. This:

"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."

"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.

"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.

"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."

Is much easier on the eyes than this:

"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."
"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.
"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.
"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."

I like it. More.

Looks good
Keep it up and post the other chapter soon

Kuja wrote:Line breaks, dude. You need a lot more of them. This:

"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."

"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.

"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.

"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."

Is much easier on the eyes than this:

"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."
"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.
"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.
"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."

I will remember that when I post Chapter 2. Thanks for the input.

More! please!

drphlox

Sovereign wrote:Hmm, its been a while since I have had a problem with that, but It happens I guess. Here is the story for all to enjoy...

Chapter 1

The vortex rippled in front of the Imperial Star Destroyer Relentless. Grand Admiral Sorion Karr was astonished at how violent the wave was. The Relentless slowly rocked as the ripple impacted with the deflector shields. The ship and her crew were in no danger at this distance. Admiral Karr stepped over to a man sitting at a security consol.
"What is the analysis on the anomaly ensign?" Sitting at the consol was a young ensign, fresh from the academy. He read over the readouts to himself silently, confused.
"I don't know what to make of it Admiral. All scans are reflected back at us, and I've lost contact with our Probe Droid."
"Does it resemble anything the Yuuzhan Vong has used against the Republic?" The young ensign shook his head.
"It doesn't look like it, but I'm not sure without the Probe Droid's data." Karr thought for a moment and looked out at the Vortex through the window.
"Take us way from it, and prepare a jump to light speed, I doubt this anomaly is of any importance to us."

Wait, if it is so unimportant, why risk a probe droid on it? You risked a probe droid on the durned thing, lost contact with it, can't get any good readouts and now you conclude it ain't that important? Really...

"Aye Sir." said the helmsman to the left of the Admiral. The Relentless slowly turned away from the anomaly and headed for a safe distance to enter light speed. But as she began to move, the anomaly flashed, and the Relentless came to a halt.

The anamoly "flashed" and the ship came to a halt? Your sentence makes it sound like it was voluntary, but there was no particular reason to stop, and the context makes it sound like the ship was forced to stop. Which is it?

The Enterprise elegantly cruised through the stars in its ongoing mission of peaceful exploration.

Somehow, one can immediately tell this story was written by a Trekkie, not a Warsie

"Come." He said taking another sip of tea. Commander Madden walked in with another data Padd. He seemed very proud of this particular one.

Who? Is that the replacement for Riker?

"Actually sir, there is. There is another Nebula six light-years from our current position." Picard put the Padd down on the table and took another sip of tea. "It seems captain, that from this distance, our sensors cannot identify the Nebula's composition. It could be an unknown element." Picard looked up, intrigued.

Yes, "six-light year" detection of composition. Definitely a Trekkie story

"I'm detecting 100 light plasma weapons and 60 Heavy plasma weapons. There also seems to be some kind of ion cannon." Everyone on the bridge stared up at the massive ship. Commander Madden was the first to break the silence.

Oh, so you chose to use the old explanation of a Plasma Weapon and official weapon counts (the 60 TL count). Ok...

TA Problem: This use of "light" and "heavy" ignores the disparity between Imperial and Federation scales of power as seen from the Federation point of view. From the Fed POV, even a six MT LTL is pretty durn heavy.

"Aye sir." Madden stood up and headed to the turbo lift. As he passed by, he pointed to Daniels and activated his comm. Badge. "Daniels, you're with me. Security and Medical teams to Transporter room 3".

Trekkie story ID characteristics: Transporters get a free pass once the shield is down...

"Hold your fire! We're here to help you!" Madden shouted. But the white troopers continued their fire. Daniels looked at Madden.

Of course, the Federation officers arrogantly believe in the supremacy of their Universal Translator, ignoring any possibility it just may not be translating the other side's language.

"Madden to Ogawa, Medical emergency." Daniels reached down a lifted the trooper's helmet off, revealing a young human male. He was just a boy, in his early teens. Madden and Daniels was aghast at how young the boy was.

These people must not have realized that MOST grunts are pretty young.

"We were attacked. We tried to tell them we were here to help,

You tried to tell them, without any attempt to even establish they understood what you said.

"Fire in the hole!" he shouted as the Phaser exploded. The explosion was massive, shaking the walls with a force of 7.2 million megajoules!

Congratulations, Sovereign, in demanding 7.2TJ of omnidirectional energy, you probably killed your own people. Do you realize you just exploded an almost two kiloton device in the hallway?

Still, nice to see the Strength of an Imperial blast door...

Overall, it wasn't too bad, but honestly I think the comments comparing it with StarCrossed were overrated. Keep trying, though.

:Looks at the following line posted by Kazuaki Shimazaki


"Congratulations, Sovereign, in demanding 7.2TJ of omnidirectional energy, you probably killed your own people. Do you realize you just exploded an almost two kiloton device in the hallway'

:Then promptly starts to run around 1.21 jigawatts and locks himself in a garage: Anyone know what movie that comes from?

I got the idea when I slipped and hit my head on the sink!

:This is Heavy:


:Why do you keep saying that is there something wrong with gravity in the future:

Kazuaki, you nailed on the head what turned me off on this story. You, sir, deserve a medal!

They'd be better off firing off a davey crockett at the blast door.

darthdavid wrote:Looks a ok so far...

They'd be better off firing off a davey crockett at the blast door.

*sniffsniff* I smell a vulture.

Regardless of whether or not the numbers and such are technically accurate, it is in extremely poor taste to nitpick someone's story that they have been so kind as to share with us.

Frankly I can't remember any SWvsST fics that did not shift things around somewhat for the sake of storytelling, but as far as I can tell several of you have taken it upon yourselves to take bitching and argument out of the vs forum where it belongs.

Howedar wrote:Regardless of whether or not the numbers and such are technically accurate, it is in extremely poor taste to nitpick someone's story that they have been so kind as to share with us.

That may be your policy. In fact, others have agreed with you, most notably Dalton, for more or less the same reasons.

On the other hand, it is my belief to be as honest as I possibly can with people's stories. It is based on a genuine desire to contribute to the story and perhaps the writer. If your story is simply awful in my opinion, I just stop reading, and you'd never receive a single line. I don't write posts that say "Your story really sucks."

Most of my lines are criticisms (for faults tend to stand out), but if there is a particular section I thought was particularly well done, I would typically comment on it as well. I just log my thoughts as I read stories, Accuracy related or not.

So far, the authors I've commented on seem to either not mind, or occasionally, even take a couple of points in. And that's all I really wanted. If one point out of 100 are incorporated and thus a better story is made, than all that extra time and care to comment is worth it.

You really want my criticism to be about little things, really. If there is only ONE criticism, explained at great length, I'm really unhappy about it because IMHO it is a major problem. In fact, if it was a lesser FanFic (or the fault was in the First Chapter of a new FanFic), I might have stopped reading forever. Instead, any other faults in that chapter were simply ignored in favor of bringing this one fault to the author's attention.

If any author genuinely feels annoyed or discouraged by these comments, just send me ONE message himself, either publicly or PM or E-mail, and he'd never get these again unless he asks for them.

Howedar wrote:Frankly I can't remember any SWvsST fics that did not shift things around somewhat for the sake of storytelling, but as far as I can tell several of you have taken it upon yourselves to take bitching and argument out of the vs forum where it belongs.

About TA issues: Yes, Howedar, you are correct that virtually every story shifted them around, especially the base values of firepower and protection. That does not mean the compromises should not be noted and criticized. In fact, if you handled this ever-lasting dilemma in STvsSW storytelling particularly well, I DO make positive comments.

However, I disagree that this kind of thing is done in the vs Forum. In the vs Forum, we try to determine the Reality in terms of capabilities. In FanFics, we try to Implement the Reality as best we can. The requirements and standards are different in Debating and FanFics, with FanFics generally requiring much lower standards of proof and have more latitude.

A trick that would be acceptable to even me (and I was notoriously picky on TA issues) in a FanFic would never wash in a debate. Thus, I handle it here.

Kaz, I think you make a really good point here.

Howedar wrote:Regardless of whether or not the numbers and such are technically accurate, it is in extremely poor taste to nitpick someone's story that they have been so kind as to share with us.

Frankly I can't remember any SWvsST fics that did not shift things around somewhat for the sake of storytelling, but as far as I can tell several of you have taken it upon yourselves to take bitching and argument out of the vs forum where it belongs.

If I remember correctly, Kaz got some pretty heavy critism for his story a long time ago. I think if you can take it you can dish it out as long as it is constructive.

I will saythis, regardless of that little "error", I do like your fic and would like to see more.