StarDestroyer.Net BBS

This is my first attempt at a fiction, so any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. As well as opinions (don't worry abou flaming it to hell, if I didn't want critisism I wouldn't have put it up on a public domain to be read).

DISCLAIMER, WARNING, WARNING: Lude language, mention of drugs, and constent smoking which could be called promotion of smoking, violence... if any of these things offend you, then you should click that back button because these fiction piece features all of that.


Chapter 1: Kindred Smoke

The morning was bleak as the overcast sky wept down upon the city. The rain never was a good sign, it was said that the sky only wept when a great man dies. He didn’t believe in that though. With all the rain that always fell on the city of Haven, one would think that hundreds of great men were being slaughtered everyday. Of course it was silly discourse to think of philosophy before a job.

The man mused as he gently flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette, looking around the street from under the large overhang. It had taken him nearly a week to find out where the Krenzen drug exchange was going to happen and he sure as hell didn’t want any trouble. The Krenzen family was a small branch off of the main Zycil an Vamyer syndicate that trafficked drugs. They were by no means big fish, and no one really had cared that they were around until one of the galactic senators children died from a drug purchased from them. With that chip on their shoulder, they instantly got a price of 100 thousand credits each placed on the family heads. He smiled gently, taking a drag from his cigarette, with even 200 thousand credits he could payoff the debts he owed and even have some left over to celebrate.

A black limo slowly hovered up to the old café across the street. The bulky exterior and the strained sound of the antigrav struts were a tall tale sign that it was heavily armored, seems that the Krenzen family already knew about the price put on their heads. He gently drew in a last drag from his cigarette before letting it drop into a puddle, it hissed and extinguished in a cold mist. The drivers side doors opened and two large men stepped out wielding M60 Railson Specials. The standard M60 had an active sonic sound repressor as well as a five-coil recoil dampener that made it choice for laying down street suppression during a F.U.B.A.R. retreat. The next two to exit the limo were Vino and Maxevel Krenven. Two more guns got out of the limo before the doors latched closed again. Vino, Maxevel and two of the thugs serenely walked into the café as the other two thugs took up guard of the limo. Knock out the two limo thugs, take out the two inside and the 200 thousand credits are mine! He smiled gently as he pulled up the collar on his brown leather trench coat. He slowly took a couple of steps forward and stopped. Another pair of footfalls were occurring right next to him.

“What the…” he looked over to the left to see a man carrying a guitar case looking back at him. A moment of shock crossed over his face before he recovered,just some street walker “You better get out of here mister, its going to get rough here in a minute.” A smug smile crossed his face.

“Yeah, its going to get rough alright, better get a move on stranger.” The other mans voice was gruff but confident.

“What… wait a second buddy, just who the hell are you!” he tried to restrain the agitation in his voice.

“Why, I’m just a man doin a job, how bout you stranger, what are you doing here?”

“My names Jool and I’m here to take down the Krenven brothers.”
The other man quietly lit a cigarette, taking a long drag, “well I’ll be damned, that’s what I’m here for to…”

Jool cursed quietly, damn, the senator swore that I had the job all to myself, lying bastard… and I voted for him too! He sighed gently. “Apparently there’s been a misunderstanding mister…”

“Armen, Zycial Armen.” He smiled as he offered his hand.

Jool coldly shook the offered hand “… Armen, you see, the senator offered to pay me 100 thousand credits to bring in the Krenzen family members.”

Zycial took a drag, holding the cigarette between his lips as he talked, “well den, id must be you who’s mistaken, de senator offered ta pay me 200 thousand credits ta bring him their heads.” He exhaled gently as he looked over at Jool.

Jool fumed, agitation filled his voice “200 thousand each! That bastard! Listen buddy, I don’t know what the senator told you, but I know that I’m getting paid to bring these two in”

“Well, I know that I’m supposed to bump them off”

“I spent an entire week tracking those two down! I’m not about to give them up to some guitar wielding stranger!”

“Well, I’m not about to give up my 400 thousand credits because of some blonde hair beatnik who settled for chump change!”

The two of them yelling wasn’t exactly the wisest way to announce their presence. The two thugs by the limo cocked the chain mechanism as they aimed at the two arguing men. “Hey you two, what the fuck are you two doin!”

The sound of the thug brought Jool back to the moment, he looked over at the thugs damn, now I have to make an excuse as to why I’m here…

“Shit! They're on to me...” Zycial pressed a button on the guitar case handle. The casing broke away to reveal a six barreled, belt feed chain cannon. He pulled a strap from the back over his shoulder and snapped it onto the front support piece of the barrel rotary.

"What the hell do you think your doing!" exasperation filled Jools voice.

"I'm earnin myself 400 thousand, better stand back!" A high pitched whiring sound emanated from the cannon as the six barrels spun up.

"Don't kill them!" Jool kicked the spining barrel of the chain-cannon off target as it let loose with a deadly volley of fire. A trail of craters arched up the old brick wall above the limo as the 5mm rounds chewed away at the building.

"You idiot, what the hell do you think your doing!" The two men jumped behind a concret bench as the air filled with the boom of gunfire as the two thugs opened up with the modified M60's. Despite the sound supression on the M60's, the sound of the concrete bench being being chewed away was deafening.

"Why the hell did you stop me from shooting them!"

"They don't deserve to die!"

"They sure the hell don't seem to think the same of us!"

"They're just doing what they were told! Anyway, you don't have any right to kill anyone!"

A chunk of the concret broke away between the two letting a spray of bullets pass by. They jumped behind an adjacent bench as the one they were behind crumbled into a pile of rubble.

"Well then Mr. Smarty, how the hell do you suppose we get past those two goons and to the Krenven brothers, talk them to death!"

Jool reached into his trench coat, pulling out a 12" revolver. "Just leave that to me..."

12 foot revolver, huh? That's one big fucking gun. How can you carry that consealed?

For the type of story it is, it's good.

Kelly Antilles wrote:12 foot revolver, huh? That's one big fucking gun. How can you carry that consealed?

For the type of story it is, it's good.

sorry, fixed that, but by par it still is large, the reason to be explained at a later time

Larz wrote:

Kelly Antilles wrote:12 foot revolver, huh? That's one big fucking gun. How can you carry that consealed?

For the type of story it is, it's good.

sorry, fixed that, but by par it still is large, the reason to be explained at a later time

Yes, a foot long revolver is fucking big.

oh, and I'm not being nitpicky, just too much of a teacher, but it's concrete.

Very nice, Larz, enough to keep my attention at least half-way through and not want to skim. ^_^ Trust me, that's a _good_ thing...

Hmmm...good quite good.

Big Guns - Good
Hitmen - Good
Goons- In deep shit
Hot Chicks - ?

Conclusion - Good, but hot chicks required. I can wait...

Sparkticus wrote:Big Guns - Good
Hitmen - Good
Goons- In deep shit
Hot Chicks - ?

Conclusion - Good, but hot chicks required. I can wait...

I'm working on the next chapter as I speak (well, trying to between online Psych quizes). I'm supposing due to the lack of advice given that its generally ok so I'll just continue with this style. The chic is coming in the next chapter. The floor is still open for any or all who have advice to give to improve it though, post it here or if one doesn't want to make them public just PM them to me. Thanks.

"Larz"

Well, methinks it is a bit heavy on the dialogue towards the end, and some readers might get confused as to who is saying what. Maybe a little more descriptive right there?

Chapter 1.2: Guns and Fun

Zycial quietly pulled his sunglasses down his nose as he looked at the large revolver "What the hell is that!?" His cigarette tilted a bit as his lip parted some in awe.

"Its my gun." A smile crossed Jools face as he pulled back the hammer.

"I can see that you twit, but what kind of gun is that?"

"A 50 caliber revolver."

The cigarette finally fell from Zycials lips, this guy can't be serious...
"That thing isn't some kind of long arm that you chopped up is it!?"

"No, its my revolver, something wrong with it?" Jool smiled as he turned about running a hand through his short, blonde hair. "Nevermind, here goes nothing."

"Yeah... wait a second!" Zycial grabbed Jools arm "your not seriously going to take on those two goons with your pop gun are you!"

"I thought you said it was big."

"That’s not the point! All in all that things still a pistol and those guys are wielding M60's, you've got to be fucking nuts to face them with that!..."

Jool pushed Zycials hand off of his arm. "If you’re so worried, then make a distraction and take out the get away car." This time Jool didn't give a warning before rolling out from behind the bench.

"Shit..." Zycial rolled and spun the other direction, pushing himself up into a standing firing stance. He didn't know what, but something told him to trust that man. "Hey, big and uglies, hi!" The chain cannon whirred to life releasing a fury of slugs into the front end of the armored limo. The thugs moved behind the high part of the limo, resting the guns on the roof as they aimed at him. Shit Jool, hurry up!

Jool rolled into a prone position from the other side of the bench with the barrel of his mammoth revolver aimed at the two thugs. He took aim, squeezing off two rounds with a thundering bang. The rounds each slammed into the main body of the M60’s with an unimpressive thud.

Zycials eyes widened, “Is that the best you could do! Shoot again you idiot!” The words were a bit late as the two thugs grinned and pulled the triggers of their M60’s...

*Click*...*Click*...*Snap*

Nothing came from the M60’s except the sound of malfunction. The thugs looked down in time to watch the ammo chains fall away from the load slots as the advance mechanism popped...”Shit!” They pushed the broken M60’s away as they reached into their blazers to no avail. Zycial let off of the trigger as Jool ran and slid over the remainder of the hood hooking an arm around one of the thug’s necks. With a fast roll and kick he launched his boot into the temple of the other thug using the one he hooked onto as an axle. The thug he kicked produced a groan as he slumped to the ground as Jool landed softly on the ground. A smug smile crossed his face as he fell back into a fighting stance, “Lets dance.”

Zycial watched as the thug threw a left/right combo at Jool who lithely dodged both fists. Falling back, he sent a boot into the mans temple, spinning back around and curling his leg in only to send it flying into the jaw of the already dizzied man, a crackle produced as the thugs jaw gave. The large mans eyes clenched in anger as he took one last fleeting swing at Jool. The fist went narrow as Jool stepped to the thugs side, sending the butt of his revolver into the back of the mans skull, sending the large man sprawling to the ground unconscious.

Zycial finally blinked, holy shit, Jool took those two thugs down effortlessly! He cracked a smile as we walked over to Jool “So, how in the hell did you do that?”

Jool popped his neck, “Do what?”

“You know, cause the chains to fall out of the guns”

Jool started popping the fingers on his left hand, “I was aiming at their trigger fingers…”

The smile on Zycial’s face faulted, “You mean that you didn’t intend to do that!!!”

Jool started popping the fingers on his right hand shooting Zycial a playful smile, “Nope, that was just pure luck friend.”

Zycial glared at Jool as he grabbed his collar, throttling him “YOU PUT MY LIFE IN THE HANDS OF PURE LUCK YOU DUMBASS!”

“Y, yo, you, your, sti, stil, still, al, aliv, alive, ar, arn, aren’t, y, yo, you!”

“THAT ISN’T THE POINT!” Jool raised a hand to try and stop the throttling as two thugs ran out from the building “What the hell is going on out here. Who the hell are you two!”

“Shit!” Zycial released Jool as he grabbed the forward mount of his chain cannon.

Jool pivoted away from a punch thrown by the first thug, still looking at Zycial “Don’t kill them!”

“Damnit you’re really starting to annoy me!” Zycial dropped back into a wide stance, swinging the chain cannon barrel into the stomach of one of the thugs.

Jool avoided several shots to his face, “Annoy you! You’re the one who’s an ingrate!”

Zycial pulled back the chain cannon from the mans stomach “Ingrate! How am I an ingrate!”

Jool stepped to the side as the second thug swung at him, he grabbed the mans fist and pulled it down and back into the man. The mans instinctively followed his hand, causing him to flip around and land on his back with a thud, “I save your life and you try to kill me!”

Zycial stopped and looked at Jool, “You saved my life by accident! Anyway, throttling your collar couldn’t have killed you you dam…” the thug returned the favor of having the chain cannon slammed into his stomach. Zycial doubled over.

Jool sighed, “should have kept your guard up.” He pivoted around, kicking the downed thug in the temple.

“I would have if ya didn’t distract me!” Zycial straightened up sending the barrel of the chain cannon into the jaw of the remaining thug. The man flew back into the brick face of the building before falling down next to his unconscious compatriot. He straightened up as he looked over at Jool. Jool had already lit a cigarette and now leaned up against the brick wall.

“You idiot…” Zycial pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a…” Before he could finish, Jool held out his lit Zippo. Zycial quietly puffed on the cigarette, drawing the flame to the tobacco. He took a drag and exhaled with a soft sigh, “Now that tastes good.”

The two men leaned against the brick wall together as the rain continued to fall on the street in front of them. The mood had shifted from energized to relaxed as they quietly smoked.

Zycial stretched, “So, how are we going to do this?”

“I scoped out that building before you arrived…” Jool took a drag, slowly blowing out the smoke “This door’s the only entrance. The Krenven brothers probably are in the basement three levels down.”

Zycial quietly thought as the took another drag of the cigarette “and thug wise?”

Jool sighed, “… probably waiting for us to come down, probably already set up and waiting for us…” He took one last drag before flicking the cigarette out into the street. “So, how are we going to do this.”

Zycial took a drag, “we kill the Krenven brothers and get 200 thousand each… “ he looked over at Jool. The look on his face told all, “… or we could just capture them, turn them over and get 100 thousand each.”

“Works fine for me.” Jool smiled gently as he pushed himself off the wall, Zycial took one last drag before dropping the cigarette butt into a nearby puddle. The two men cautiously entered the old café. The café had been closed for some time, a layer of dust coated the old tables and floor. They followed the trail of footprints left in the dust to a small niche in the back of the café. The stairs creaked as they made there way down, a few dirty windows let the only light into the dreary storage room. “I don’t like this…” Jool reached the bottom of the staircase stepping to the side. He looked around quietly as Zycial made his way down. These crates have been moved down here recently

Zycial smiled. “Your not scared of the dark, are you Jool?”

“These crates have been moved here recently” Jool moved over to one of the crates and began inspecting it.

Zycial quirked a brow “your point is…”

“It would seem that whatever’s in these crates has to do with what’s going down here.”

Zycial shook his head “your thinking to much into this Jool.” He walked over to a stack of boxes, stopping… “did you hear that Jo…” The boxes toppled over as a woman ran out from behind them. Zycial dodged out of the way of the falling boxes. He ran into the small woman knocking her down. “Whoa, are you alright…”

The woman on the ground wore tattered cloths that left little to the imagination. A tattered tank top barely contained her supple breasts as the skirt she wore had been ripped up almost to nothingness, leaving her long, milky white legs bare. A look of panic crossed her face as she scrambled up, backing into some crates. Jool quietly watched her from the middle of the room as Zycial slowly moved towards her. “Calm down, we’re not going to hurt you…” As he placed his hands on the woman’s shoulders she collapsed into him crying. “There, there, your alright.”

Jool frowned “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, you don’t know who she is…”

“You heartless bastard, what do you want me to do! It’s apparent that she’s been through a lot.” He gently lead her over towards Jool. “Don’t worry, I’ll look after you, lets just get in the light.” The women sobbed into Zycials chest as they moved to the middle of the room, he gently took her by the shoulders, pushing her from his chest. “Who are you; what happened?”

A few last sniffles were given before she replied, “I… I… I’m your end.” With that she sent a fast jab into Zycial’s stomach. Zycial barely had enough time to double over before her knee cracked into his temple, he crumpled to the ground with a heavy thud.

“Shit!” Jool caught the snap kick from the woman in his side. He stumbled back, raising his left arm in time to block a dagger jab to his eye. This woman’s out for blood! Gotta throw her off beat… He stepped forward as the woman sent a round house kick towards his jaw. Shit! he bent backwards, the heel of her shoe scrapped across his chin… Now’s my chance…. Jool stepped forward, sending his forehead into the woman’s temple knocking her down.

“Damnittohell!” He grabbed his forehead as the woman hit the ground, rolling up into a fighting stance. Jool rubbed his forehead “Who are you!”

The woman simply brushed some of her long, black hair away from her face “My name is Aria the Wolf, and I’m here to kill you Mr. Jool…”

A sound suppressed medium machine gun.
A revolver firing HMG rounds.

Larz, you must REALLY want that sucka dead.

Interestingly enough, the main character wielding the big revolver doesn't like to kill people.

While I was posting, I was wondering whether I should continue on with this storyline or move further down the history line (I'm planning of making 3 more parts past this one: Part 2 deals with the main characters past, Part 3 deals with Jools true past, and part 4 is a confrontation).

Do I detect a Spike/Vash hybrid lead character ?

Ok apart from the spelling and grammar that Kelly picked up on already, I'm going to lead with nitpicks (which is a good sign BTW) :

50.cal rounds hitting anything will make it move. those guards would be lucky to get away with not having M-60 dental work.

The fights. Read well but simply wouldn't work in any way. You're fine right up to the two thugs exiting the Cafe. Why aren't they shooting? There was a firefight outside both Jool's and Zycial have guns in plain sight (and Zycials should have them really ready to go!) and they run out asking what's going on?

The pacing of dialogue during fights is also a damne dhard thing to get right. In comics they have the action with as large a word ballon as they like in there, because the reader subconsciously makes the timing work. On film they can have the action and dialogue at the same time as one another, but in writing you have to have one then other and swap back and forth.

Actually, with fights, I have some old GI Joe figures and if I'm not sure how it'll look, I use them to enact it. If you use a rough scale and something to act as obstacles/buildings you quickly spot where there are errors in what you're proposing. Sounds silly, but works.

Repetition :
"Jool reached the bottom of the staircase stepping to the side. He looked around quietly as Zycial made his way down. These crates have been moved down here recently

Zycial smiled. “Your not scared of the dark, are you Jool?”

“These crates have been moved here recently” Jool moved over to one of the crates and began inspecting it."

You already mentioned the crates were moved, how about :

"Jool reached the bottom of the staircase stepping to the side. He looked around quietly as Zycial made his way down. Something about the crates bugged him.

Zycial smiled. “Your not scared of the dark, are you Jool?”

“These crates have been moved here recently” Jool moved over to one of the crates and began inspecting it."


The nice thing is that this is your first so you can adapt and grow as you write.

So you might want to write it out as you do now, then before posting look towards making some changes to tighten your dialogue, catch any spelling mistakes and repetition and go from there.

Anyway, give us more, lets see where this is going.