An on-the-spur LOTR Parody: Lord of the G-String
Posted: 2005-01-10 03:40pm
Three Thongs for the Blond Hottie Clique in the Halls,
Seven Granny-Panties for the Nerds in their Computer Lab,
Nine Panties for the Students doomed to Graduate,
One G-String for the Principal in his dark office,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off
One G-string to rule them all, One G-String to find them,
One G-String to bring them all and in darkness bind them,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off
Lord of the G-Strings
Scene opens: It is a dark and stormy night. FRODO BAGGINS, nervous freshman, is in the halls of Middlearth High School. And suddenly, behind him, a door slams open, and in a gray suit, Professor GANDALF, long wild gray hair and untrimmed beard appears.
GANDALF: Frodo! Do you have it?
FRODO: What? What are you talking about?
GANDALF: The G-String your brother Bilbo left you when he graduated! Give it to me!
FRODO: Okay, okay, here it is… [GANDALF throws it into the Locker of Hell ™] NO!
GANDALF: Hold! [He reaches into the Locker, pulls out the G-String, and tosses it to FRODO] Can you see anything different?
FRODO: Nothing… wait… there’s letters of fire appearing on it… I can’t read them…
GANDALF: It is as I feared… I had hoped beyond hope, that this was lost forever…
FRODO: Lost forever? Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? What is this? [Holds G-String cautiously]
GANDALF: You know those letters of fire, Frodo? Do you know what those say? They say… [Launches into bad doggerel as the Exit signs above the doors flare]
One G-string to rule them all, One G-String to find them,
One G-String to bring them all and in darkness bind them,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off.
FRODO: [Squeakily] M-m-mordor? Isn’t that where….the Principal’s Office is?
GANDALF: Yes, Frodo… There is no time to lose! You must hasten to the Greenhouse, where we shall decide what to do with the G-String… [paper rustles in one of the classrooms; GANDALF stiffens, then darts in, and comes out with fat SAM GAMGEE in his grasp] Fool! Thick-headed gardener’s son! What are you doing, eavesdropping like this?
SAM: OhmyfuckinGawd, I ain’t done nothing! Leggo! [Kicks GANDALF in the shins, and as GANDALF hops around cursing holding his leg, rushes to FRODO and stands by him] Frodo, back me up! Say, ain’t that the G-string your bro used to have? [FRODO hastily stuffs the G-String into a pocket as GANDALF recovers his posture]
GANDALF: [Glares coldly at SAM] As I was saying, before a certain fat fool interrupted us, you must be off to the Greenhouse. Professor Elrond in Biology will protect you from the Principal’s searching gaze; but beware of the Hall Monitors! [Vanishes down the hallway. Frodo and Sam look at each other, shrug, and start walking; along the way, MERRY and PIPPIN ambush them, and won’t fuck off. They duck into the Cafeteria along the way…]
MERRY: Hey, looky here! Who’s that dark character off there in the corner?
[ARAGORN rises and approaches the bunch of nervous freshmen]
ARAGORN: Come along! This is no safe place for us to talk… [They go into one of the walk-in refrigerators]
PIPPIN: This is fucking cold! Are you goddamn nuts?
ARAGORN: Shaddap, short stuff! [Clears throat, turns to Frodo] I’m one of Doc Gandalf’s students, see? And oh yeah, vote for me as Homecoming King, okay? Maybe I’ll give you frosh a hand when your turn comes, but right now, I’ll help ya avoid the [hushed tones] Hall Monitors… if you’ll vote for me, savvy?
FRODO, SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN: [Worshipfully] Oh yes, sir!
[They advance down a hallway. One of the Monitors spots them. They run like fucking hell. A door bangs open at the end of the hallway; Substitute GLORIFINDEL pops his head out]
GLORIFINDEL: What the fuck is happening here?! [Looks down the hall, notices the Monitors] Oh, fuck them… Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!
[Everybody pauses and looks at GLORIFINDEL with a “What the fuck?” expression on their faces. GLORIFINDEL shrugs sheepishly, ducks back into his office and bangs the door shut. The Monitors roll their eyes-- and Aragorn and the Freshmen duck into the Greenhouse]
Seven Granny-Panties for the Nerds in their Computer Lab,
Nine Panties for the Students doomed to Graduate,
One G-String for the Principal in his dark office,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off
One G-string to rule them all, One G-String to find them,
One G-String to bring them all and in darkness bind them,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off
Lord of the G-Strings
Scene opens: It is a dark and stormy night. FRODO BAGGINS, nervous freshman, is in the halls of Middlearth High School. And suddenly, behind him, a door slams open, and in a gray suit, Professor GANDALF, long wild gray hair and untrimmed beard appears.
GANDALF: Frodo! Do you have it?
FRODO: What? What are you talking about?
GANDALF: The G-String your brother Bilbo left you when he graduated! Give it to me!
FRODO: Okay, okay, here it is… [GANDALF throws it into the Locker of Hell ™] NO!
GANDALF: Hold! [He reaches into the Locker, pulls out the G-String, and tosses it to FRODO] Can you see anything different?
FRODO: Nothing… wait… there’s letters of fire appearing on it… I can’t read them…
GANDALF: It is as I feared… I had hoped beyond hope, that this was lost forever…
FRODO: Lost forever? Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? What is this? [Holds G-String cautiously]
GANDALF: You know those letters of fire, Frodo? Do you know what those say? They say… [Launches into bad doggerel as the Exit signs above the doors flare]
One G-string to rule them all, One G-String to find them,
One G-String to bring them all and in darkness bind them,
In the Halls of Mordor where the Lights are Off.
FRODO: [Squeakily] M-m-mordor? Isn’t that where….the Principal’s Office is?
GANDALF: Yes, Frodo… There is no time to lose! You must hasten to the Greenhouse, where we shall decide what to do with the G-String… [paper rustles in one of the classrooms; GANDALF stiffens, then darts in, and comes out with fat SAM GAMGEE in his grasp] Fool! Thick-headed gardener’s son! What are you doing, eavesdropping like this?
SAM: OhmyfuckinGawd, I ain’t done nothing! Leggo! [Kicks GANDALF in the shins, and as GANDALF hops around cursing holding his leg, rushes to FRODO and stands by him] Frodo, back me up! Say, ain’t that the G-string your bro used to have? [FRODO hastily stuffs the G-String into a pocket as GANDALF recovers his posture]
GANDALF: [Glares coldly at SAM] As I was saying, before a certain fat fool interrupted us, you must be off to the Greenhouse. Professor Elrond in Biology will protect you from the Principal’s searching gaze; but beware of the Hall Monitors! [Vanishes down the hallway. Frodo and Sam look at each other, shrug, and start walking; along the way, MERRY and PIPPIN ambush them, and won’t fuck off. They duck into the Cafeteria along the way…]
MERRY: Hey, looky here! Who’s that dark character off there in the corner?
[ARAGORN rises and approaches the bunch of nervous freshmen]
ARAGORN: Come along! This is no safe place for us to talk… [They go into one of the walk-in refrigerators]
PIPPIN: This is fucking cold! Are you goddamn nuts?
ARAGORN: Shaddap, short stuff! [Clears throat, turns to Frodo] I’m one of Doc Gandalf’s students, see? And oh yeah, vote for me as Homecoming King, okay? Maybe I’ll give you frosh a hand when your turn comes, but right now, I’ll help ya avoid the [hushed tones] Hall Monitors… if you’ll vote for me, savvy?
FRODO, SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN: [Worshipfully] Oh yes, sir!
[They advance down a hallway. One of the Monitors spots them. They run like fucking hell. A door bangs open at the end of the hallway; Substitute GLORIFINDEL pops his head out]
GLORIFINDEL: What the fuck is happening here?! [Looks down the hall, notices the Monitors] Oh, fuck them… Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!
[Everybody pauses and looks at GLORIFINDEL with a “What the fuck?” expression on their faces. GLORIFINDEL shrugs sheepishly, ducks back into his office and bangs the door shut. The Monitors roll their eyes-- and Aragorn and the Freshmen duck into the Greenhouse]