A GSDA Carol
Posted: 2005-01-19 10:17am
A GSDA Carol - By Darth Fanboy of UPF and Gnome Hunter fame
This was originally the UPF: Holiday Special, but it was decided to learn from George Lucas' example and get it away from the franchise.
Ebenezer Stravo hovered over the paper, the lack of written material on it was beginning to disturb him, but not as much as Dalton Cratchit with his constant talking.
"Oh the Golden Star Destroyer Awards are coming up again this year, isn't it wonderful?"
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo cursed, "Nothing but a pittance and a obligatory wankfest I say."
"But sir, you've won so many in the past, why are you so bitter?"
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo yelled, "I don't want to talk about it!"
"We'll the little woman has made a GSDA Dinner, broasted Nerf with Romulan Ale, you're welcome to join us if you'd like Mr. Stravo."
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo redundantly snapped, "There's too much work to be done," Stravo was about to chastise Dalton for leaving so early but he then remembered he was going to fire him tomorrow anyway. "Go ahead and go home, and don't rush coming in tomorrow morning either."
"Why thank you! It should be a merry GSDA celebration this year!"
Stravo turned his back and smiled grimly as Dalton bounced out the door. "Yes revel in your awards, because after you're gone tomorrow and i'm the only left, Starcrossed profit margins will be even higher! That is if I could write something damnit."
After hours upon hours of crumpled sheets of paper, scrawled obscenities, and lewd drawings of alien species Stravo decided to retire for the evening. After only a few hours though, he was awakened by the sound of clanging chains.
"Who...who is there?"
"Stravo...you've been a real dick Stravo."
"Meh, what you want an autograph or something? Go print out a few chapters of my works and take them to the john with you its obvious you need to take a shit."
The figure came into view, hovering over Stravo with an ethereal light.
"If only that were the case, but i'm afraid my intentions are far more...revealing, shall we say."
"Shit! A ghost? Who do I fucking look like Egon Spengler?"
"You wish, Harold Ramis wouldn't have writer's constipation so badly. I am the ghost of Fanfics past, come, come with me Stravo. There is something I want to show you."
"Hey now I fell for that in college once...or twice, i'm not falling for that again! Wait a minute I recognize you, Shep is that you?"
"How very perceptive of you. Now let us travel."
A flash of brilliant thick smoke appeared and Shep, The Ghost of Fanfic past, has removed him and the captive Ebenzer Stravo from the bed chambers and to a familiar room.
"Look around Stravo, do you see this place? Where are you right now?"
"It's my room, from when I was a child, I don't believe this!"
"Believe it bitch. Ah, look at that fine person over there."
"That's my mom."
"I know, The ghost of Fanfic past enjoys the occaisional MILF, oh, there you!"
A small 8 year Stravo comes running into the room, arms out like and airplane.
"VRRRROOOOOOOM! WWWWWWOOOOOOSH!"
As soon as he got to his desk however, he immediately clamed down and began writing, words flowing from the pen easily, despite the horrible penmanship attributed to grade schoolers.
"Do you see what you're working on there Stravo?"
Stravo walked over and peered down onto the paper. "Captin Kirk vs. Deth Star"
"That was my first fic, I used to write new chapters every day and take them to school, all the other kids wanted more."
"You were very happy to write it for them Stravo, even then you were an egomaniac, and very talented too. In fact, this was the very moment that got you interested in crossovers, you knew that there was an untapped medium for you to exploit."
"Why are you showing me this? What the hell?"
Suddenly things became dark, and Shep had grown very quiet. A new voice echoed from behind Stravo.
"He told you that story, so I could tell you this one?" Boomed the new voice.
"Who are you? Where are we now?"
"I am the Ghost of Fanfic Present, I also go by Falkenhorst, but ladies know me as Studmuffin."
"Fanfic Present? I can go home now?"
"Oh no no no Ebenezer, even after i'm done with you there is still one more thing you have to see. But that won't make any sense unless I reveal to you this..."
The scene shifted into Dalton's living room, where Dalton, his mail order bride Fgalkina (Fgalkin's twin sister from bizarro world), and their son Newbie sit around the fire. A tray of donuts sits on the dinner table and Newbie hobbles around on crutches.
"What are we doing here Studmuff...errr...Falk?"
"Fanfic Present remember? Watch and all will be revealed to you."
Dalton got up from his place and went over to the computer, where the family had placed their presents underneath. There were not many.
"Oh Daddy!" Newbie said, "I hope its a new chapter of Star Crossed!" Newbie tore trhough the paper and opened it up, revealing a fic called "Gnome Hunter" Dalton smiled and patted Newbie on the head. "Mr. Stravo hasn't finished any new chapters of Star Crossed yet, but soon Newbie, we'll get you one for your birthday." Newbie cringed as he began through the pages of the substandard fic. "It's awful Daddy." "I know Newbie, I know." Fgalkina opened up her present, It was a collection of the early volumes of "The Unnamed Porno Fanfic". She threw it down on the floor in disgust, [I would rather have diseased meat shoved in my crevice than read this atrocity!]. She then stomped out of the room. Dalton, who did not understand his new bride's language quite yet but admired her fiery nature yealled back to her, "I'll join you in a minute baby!"
Stravo sneered in a condescending tone. "Why do they even bother? GSDA-Day is a pointless waste of time."
"Hey don't think so, GSDA-Day is the one time of year where members of the online community can come together and revel in all of the new creations."
"But half of thse things aren't even fanfics! ITs become a denizen-fic brothel! Shit UPF has a near infinite amount of characters tow ork with but they still use real users in their stories!"
"Do you think you could do better?"
"I know I can!"
"Then why don't you? You just spent the last 8 hours trying to come up with a new chapter and nothing worked."
"Its not easy making a.....hey where'd you go?"
Everything was dark again, and clouds of smoke were Stravo's only company in the dark depths of his current confinement.
"Hello? Falk? *sniff* Hey that smells like..."
Stravo turned as he heard bubbling behind him. A young man in a transformers shirt was taking a tremendous rip off of one of the most ornate Bongs Stravo had ever seen in his life, or could have possibly imagined.
"Heheh, smoke machine's broke dude, I had to improviiiiise."
"Lemme guess, You're the Ghost of Fanfic Future?"
"Dude...you saw a Ghost somewhere? Shit! Hahaha!"
"You're high."
"Ok, we'll maybe you're high and i'm the one thats sober!"
"Nope, don't think so."
"Wow...that's awesome."
"Are you going to show me something new or not."
"What? Oh yeah man, yeah. Call me Fanboy by the way. Im gonna take you into the Future!"
A crash of thunder blinded Stravo And the tye-dye clad hippie figure turned into a menacing reaper, with a bloodstained scythe.
"WHOA!"
"Things are not as they seem in the future Stravo....behold."
Stravo and Fanboy stood in the middle of a small town, across the street a movie theater was in plain view, lit up for some new premiere. A crowd of people were lined up to watch, the line stretched for miles.
"Wow, it reminds me of the long lines for Star Wars!"
"You're close Stravo, actually here in the future Paramount and Lucasfilm merged, and crossovers are now a possibility."
"Really, then that means, I can finally show Starcrossed they way it was meant to be seen!"
"Wait, don't go..."
Stravo sprinted across the street and looked up at the marquis.
"Wait, what's this!"
The sign read:
NOW PLAYING: PORTAL a Graham Kennedy Production 1:00 4:15,7:30,
Stravo fell to his knees and began weeping. Fanboy approached him from behind.
"In this future, you became fed up with Star Crossed and abandoned, instead focusing on a different fanfic with utilized characters from twenty five different cult hit television shows. Graham Kennedy reached the studios first, and commisioned Rick Berman to direct and Brannon Braga to write the script. Kevin J Anderson did the novelization."
Stravo screamed a blood curdling howl that sounded like a badger was clawing his way out of his colon.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GAWWWWWWWWWD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"You lost your fan base, your writer's block killed your story and eventually your fan base turned to other stories to get their "fics fix".
"Please, i'll do anything. Anything! This can't be the future!"
"The future is always in motion Stravo, however, maybe now that you've seen what lies ahead, you'll be able to change it."
"I will, thank you kind spirits! Thank you!"
Fanboy faded away and Stravo was overcome by a residual cloud of smoke Fanboy had left earlier. He awoke to find himself back in front of his desk, a brand new chapter of Star Crossed sat in front of him, completed, and jsut the way he wanted it also! It was a GSDA miracle! (Or maybe he wrote the chapter in the midle of an Insomnia induced hallucination) Stravo rushed out the door and over to Dalton's residence with a copy of the new chapter.
"Dalton! My good friend! I have a gift for your family!"
"Mr. Stravo sir? What is it!"
Stravo walked over to Newbie, who was lining his pidgeon coop with pages ripped out of Gnome Hunter. Newbie saw the fic in Stravo's hand and nearly shit himself with glee.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG THIS FIC IS TEH SUPAR!!!!11111! 5724\/0 15 1337!"
And we all lived happily ever after.
This was originally the UPF: Holiday Special, but it was decided to learn from George Lucas' example and get it away from the franchise.
Ebenezer Stravo hovered over the paper, the lack of written material on it was beginning to disturb him, but not as much as Dalton Cratchit with his constant talking.
"Oh the Golden Star Destroyer Awards are coming up again this year, isn't it wonderful?"
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo cursed, "Nothing but a pittance and a obligatory wankfest I say."
"But sir, you've won so many in the past, why are you so bitter?"
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo yelled, "I don't want to talk about it!"
"We'll the little woman has made a GSDA Dinner, broasted Nerf with Romulan Ale, you're welcome to join us if you'd like Mr. Stravo."
"Hah Bumfuck", Stravo redundantly snapped, "There's too much work to be done," Stravo was about to chastise Dalton for leaving so early but he then remembered he was going to fire him tomorrow anyway. "Go ahead and go home, and don't rush coming in tomorrow morning either."
"Why thank you! It should be a merry GSDA celebration this year!"
Stravo turned his back and smiled grimly as Dalton bounced out the door. "Yes revel in your awards, because after you're gone tomorrow and i'm the only left, Starcrossed profit margins will be even higher! That is if I could write something damnit."
After hours upon hours of crumpled sheets of paper, scrawled obscenities, and lewd drawings of alien species Stravo decided to retire for the evening. After only a few hours though, he was awakened by the sound of clanging chains.
"Who...who is there?"
"Stravo...you've been a real dick Stravo."
"Meh, what you want an autograph or something? Go print out a few chapters of my works and take them to the john with you its obvious you need to take a shit."
The figure came into view, hovering over Stravo with an ethereal light.
"If only that were the case, but i'm afraid my intentions are far more...revealing, shall we say."
"Shit! A ghost? Who do I fucking look like Egon Spengler?"
"You wish, Harold Ramis wouldn't have writer's constipation so badly. I am the ghost of Fanfics past, come, come with me Stravo. There is something I want to show you."
"Hey now I fell for that in college once...or twice, i'm not falling for that again! Wait a minute I recognize you, Shep is that you?"
"How very perceptive of you. Now let us travel."
A flash of brilliant thick smoke appeared and Shep, The Ghost of Fanfic past, has removed him and the captive Ebenzer Stravo from the bed chambers and to a familiar room.
"Look around Stravo, do you see this place? Where are you right now?"
"It's my room, from when I was a child, I don't believe this!"
"Believe it bitch. Ah, look at that fine person over there."
"That's my mom."
"I know, The ghost of Fanfic past enjoys the occaisional MILF, oh, there you!"
A small 8 year Stravo comes running into the room, arms out like and airplane.
"VRRRROOOOOOOM! WWWWWWOOOOOOSH!"
As soon as he got to his desk however, he immediately clamed down and began writing, words flowing from the pen easily, despite the horrible penmanship attributed to grade schoolers.
"Do you see what you're working on there Stravo?"
Stravo walked over and peered down onto the paper. "Captin Kirk vs. Deth Star"
"That was my first fic, I used to write new chapters every day and take them to school, all the other kids wanted more."
"You were very happy to write it for them Stravo, even then you were an egomaniac, and very talented too. In fact, this was the very moment that got you interested in crossovers, you knew that there was an untapped medium for you to exploit."
"Why are you showing me this? What the hell?"
Suddenly things became dark, and Shep had grown very quiet. A new voice echoed from behind Stravo.
"He told you that story, so I could tell you this one?" Boomed the new voice.
"Who are you? Where are we now?"
"I am the Ghost of Fanfic Present, I also go by Falkenhorst, but ladies know me as Studmuffin."
"Fanfic Present? I can go home now?"
"Oh no no no Ebenezer, even after i'm done with you there is still one more thing you have to see. But that won't make any sense unless I reveal to you this..."
The scene shifted into Dalton's living room, where Dalton, his mail order bride Fgalkina (Fgalkin's twin sister from bizarro world), and their son Newbie sit around the fire. A tray of donuts sits on the dinner table and Newbie hobbles around on crutches.
"What are we doing here Studmuff...errr...Falk?"
"Fanfic Present remember? Watch and all will be revealed to you."
Dalton got up from his place and went over to the computer, where the family had placed their presents underneath. There were not many.
"Oh Daddy!" Newbie said, "I hope its a new chapter of Star Crossed!" Newbie tore trhough the paper and opened it up, revealing a fic called "Gnome Hunter" Dalton smiled and patted Newbie on the head. "Mr. Stravo hasn't finished any new chapters of Star Crossed yet, but soon Newbie, we'll get you one for your birthday." Newbie cringed as he began through the pages of the substandard fic. "It's awful Daddy." "I know Newbie, I know." Fgalkina opened up her present, It was a collection of the early volumes of "The Unnamed Porno Fanfic". She threw it down on the floor in disgust, [I would rather have diseased meat shoved in my crevice than read this atrocity!]. She then stomped out of the room. Dalton, who did not understand his new bride's language quite yet but admired her fiery nature yealled back to her, "I'll join you in a minute baby!"
Stravo sneered in a condescending tone. "Why do they even bother? GSDA-Day is a pointless waste of time."
"Hey don't think so, GSDA-Day is the one time of year where members of the online community can come together and revel in all of the new creations."
"But half of thse things aren't even fanfics! ITs become a denizen-fic brothel! Shit UPF has a near infinite amount of characters tow ork with but they still use real users in their stories!"
"Do you think you could do better?"
"I know I can!"
"Then why don't you? You just spent the last 8 hours trying to come up with a new chapter and nothing worked."
"Its not easy making a.....hey where'd you go?"
Everything was dark again, and clouds of smoke were Stravo's only company in the dark depths of his current confinement.
"Hello? Falk? *sniff* Hey that smells like..."
Stravo turned as he heard bubbling behind him. A young man in a transformers shirt was taking a tremendous rip off of one of the most ornate Bongs Stravo had ever seen in his life, or could have possibly imagined.
"Heheh, smoke machine's broke dude, I had to improviiiiise."
"Lemme guess, You're the Ghost of Fanfic Future?"
"Dude...you saw a Ghost somewhere? Shit! Hahaha!"
"You're high."
"Ok, we'll maybe you're high and i'm the one thats sober!"
"Nope, don't think so."
"Wow...that's awesome."
"Are you going to show me something new or not."
"What? Oh yeah man, yeah. Call me Fanboy by the way. Im gonna take you into the Future!"
A crash of thunder blinded Stravo And the tye-dye clad hippie figure turned into a menacing reaper, with a bloodstained scythe.
"WHOA!"
"Things are not as they seem in the future Stravo....behold."
Stravo and Fanboy stood in the middle of a small town, across the street a movie theater was in plain view, lit up for some new premiere. A crowd of people were lined up to watch, the line stretched for miles.
"Wow, it reminds me of the long lines for Star Wars!"
"You're close Stravo, actually here in the future Paramount and Lucasfilm merged, and crossovers are now a possibility."
"Really, then that means, I can finally show Starcrossed they way it was meant to be seen!"
"Wait, don't go..."
Stravo sprinted across the street and looked up at the marquis.
"Wait, what's this!"
The sign read:
NOW PLAYING: PORTAL a Graham Kennedy Production 1:00 4:15,7:30,
Stravo fell to his knees and began weeping. Fanboy approached him from behind.
"In this future, you became fed up with Star Crossed and abandoned, instead focusing on a different fanfic with utilized characters from twenty five different cult hit television shows. Graham Kennedy reached the studios first, and commisioned Rick Berman to direct and Brannon Braga to write the script. Kevin J Anderson did the novelization."
Stravo screamed a blood curdling howl that sounded like a badger was clawing his way out of his colon.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GAWWWWWWWWWD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"You lost your fan base, your writer's block killed your story and eventually your fan base turned to other stories to get their "fics fix".
"Please, i'll do anything. Anything! This can't be the future!"
"The future is always in motion Stravo, however, maybe now that you've seen what lies ahead, you'll be able to change it."
"I will, thank you kind spirits! Thank you!"
Fanboy faded away and Stravo was overcome by a residual cloud of smoke Fanboy had left earlier. He awoke to find himself back in front of his desk, a brand new chapter of Star Crossed sat in front of him, completed, and jsut the way he wanted it also! It was a GSDA miracle! (Or maybe he wrote the chapter in the midle of an Insomnia induced hallucination) Stravo rushed out the door and over to Dalton's residence with a copy of the new chapter.
"Dalton! My good friend! I have a gift for your family!"
"Mr. Stravo sir? What is it!"
Stravo walked over to Newbie, who was lining his pidgeon coop with pages ripped out of Gnome Hunter. Newbie saw the fic in Stravo's hand and nearly shit himself with glee.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG THIS FIC IS TEH SUPAR!!!!11111! 5724\/0 15 1337!"
And we all lived happily ever after.
