StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Had to edit, sorry

-=Talfwr=- wrote:(After holocaust) <snip> out of the rubble a kid begins to sit upright holding his head as he does. <snip> The kid looks to the heavens; the kid's eyes widen as he examines the purple sky.

"What the?" -Kid

After a few minutes have passed the kid comes to his senses and begins to search the rubble around where he was unconscious, he stoops and picks something up of the floor and attaches it to his chain. It was a cross. (A symbol of a religion long forgotten.)

No offence, but this kind'of reminded me of End of Evangelion
I think a better specification of "holocaust" would be appropriate. I'm here assuming it was a nuclear "festivity" in the first place, since it's one of the most commonly used...

A look of antagonizing pain came across Jay’s face, then a calm expression. With a deafening scream

Shouldn't it be inverted, like "First a calm expression, then a look of antagonizing pain came across Jay's face. With a deafening scream...."? How can a guy make a "deafening scream" with a "calm expression"?
Still, all in all, it is a bit vague, overall. Some sort of higher/better description of your characters used would be enlightening, mostly because when this came up "his crew scatter with their tails between their legs." I was a bit confused whether it was a figure of speech or it was literally speaking .

antagonizing pain? don't you mean agonizing?

(I am as guilty of typos as anyone, so I'll refrain from casting stones on that)

I find it incredibly difficult that there are NO living animals. The fact that roaches and other insects are better prepared to survive an apocalypse than humans, the fact that the oceans house millions of creatures, many of which are confined to the deepest parts of the ocean, then there are of course the advantageous species who would evolve to thrive in such an environment given the chance.

I didn't like the dialogue much, I think there is more you are capable of doing with it to make it more readable and/or interesting.

Brilliant guy's this is just the input I was looking for, I thank you for pointing out my mistakes and misspellings.
Deafening Scream - A scream that leaves deafness in ones ears.

This is just the first bit, I'm currently writing the second issue and there is more action within, as well as more character development. it's kinda difficult for me to use english as my first language is welsh (subsequently taught english in school).

Thanks again if you have any more suggestions then I would be interested to hear them.

(Evangelion? I've not watched the whole of that yet, just the begining.)

-=Talfwr=- wrote:Brilliant guy's this is just the input I was looking for, I thank you for pointing out my mistakes and misspellings.
Deafening Scream - A scream that leaves deafness in ones ears.

This is just the first bit, I'm currently writing the second issue and there is more action within, as well as more character development. it's kinda difficult for me to use english as my first language is welsh (subsequently taught english in school).

Thanks again if you have any more suggestions then I would be interested to hear them.

(Evangelion? I've not watched the whole of that yet, just the begining.)

The movie or the series? Assuming you're talking about the series, End of Evangelion is the movie to conclude the series. In the end, we see Shinji Ikari and Asuka Sohryu lying in a beach with a red ocean and a weird-looking sky (and that's it for spoilers). Shinji also has the cross that belongs to Misato Katsuragi... I think... Not sure now, been a while since I've seen the movie...
Oh, and if you do need help with english, consider finding a pre-reader to help you out. They're always handy to have Yes, I speak from self-experience.
... I'm afraid I didn't understood what you meant with your specification of "deafening scream". My point was, how can anyone scream with a "calm expression", it sort'of makes an antithesis...

The Series,
A pre-reader? that sounds like a good idea. But overall do you think that ther is some potential? I've got most of the first saga lined out. Character development as well as plot and some funky ideas of recaling the holocaust (I shall find a better word for it.)
I have a friend who is willing to draw it, he did me a scetch and it was pretty amazing.
So all in all, with some guidence I think that I could make this into an interesting story.
What do you think?

-=Talfwr=- wrote:But overall do you think that ther is some potential? I've got most of the first saga lined out. Character development as well as plot and some funky ideas of recaling the holocaust

The potential is there, however, it's all up to you, your brain, and your fingers, to make some use of it . Write. We'll see later how good it is . If you want more comments and critics, you can try to post this in FictionPress and nFiction.

Thanks for the tips guys I will do, and I will keep posting the continuation of the story