StarDestroyer.Net BBS

And so it begins...

"What a pile of junk!" exclaimed Captain Stravo, "I don't even want to know what you paid for it!" "Nothing, actually. I got it for free, " Ghost Rider declared proudly, "swindled it from a bunch losers from a backwater universe". “Don’t you know that stealing is bad? It gets us unnecessary questions from the Sector Authority" "Oh, don't worry about that. The sods were decommissioning the thing anyways. Trying to get the fusion reactor to blow. They didn't even notice that we snatched the thing and replaced it with a trekogram. Simulated the debris and everything. Besides, even if they did notice, they are not part of the Multiversal Alliance. Too primitive to make contact with. So we can steal from them, screw them over, and exploit them as much as we want." A smile appeared on Stravo's face, only to disappear a second later as he looked at the massive space station again. "It's still a pile of junk. It's going to cost us millions just to fix it up, much less to bring it to Multiversal standards. Oh, well, at least it's large. ““5 miles long and supports a population of 250,000," beamed Ghost Rider. “ Hmm... that is good. Perfect for our needs, really. Does this thing have a name?" "Yeah.The computer has analyzed the station's language files and got us a translation. For some unfathomable reason, the primitives were calling the station 'Babylon 5'."



Star Destroyer Hotel: The Place to Be

Starring
Ghost Rider as Cmdr. Ghost Rider, Financial Officer.
phongn as Lt. Cmdr. Phong Nguyen, Chief Engineer
The Kernel as Lt. Kernel
Sea Skimmer as Lt. Skimmer
MKSheppard as Lt. MKSheppard


Also Starring
Vympel as Lt. Cmdr. Vympel-019, Spetsnaz Droid.
and
Stravo as Captain James Tiberius Stravo.

With Special Guest Appearances by
RedImperator as Lt. Cmdr. RedImperator.
Durandal as Lt. Cmdr. Durandal, the station's AI.

in

Episode I: Money Makes The World Go Round, Part 1.

Written, Directed and Produced by
Yefim Galkine


***********************************************************************

8 months later...

The leadership of the Golden Stardestroyer Mercenary Company was in council. The room they were sitting in has seen many councils, but none like this. When the station was still called Babylon 5, and under the command of John Sheridan, the room was called the War Room. Now, however, it was something infinitely more important: the Budget Room.

"Look, Captain, I've done all I can, but there are things I simply have no control over!" Commander Ghost Rider, Captain Stravo's second in command, and the Financial Officer of the Company was standing next to a holo-projection of a massive graph of the company's financial condition. The condition was, in medical terms, "critical but stable.”
Meaning, of course, that the company was no longer losing any money by virtue of having none. The imposing figure of Ghost Rider was looming over the table, and the gaze of his flaming skull made those present shiver. Captain Stravo, however, was unperturbed. "Your excuses are getting tiresome, Commander. We have been losing money steadily ever since we acquired this "free" station. To keep us afloat and continue the repairs, not only were we forced to dismiss most of our ground troops, but we had to sell the Golden Stardestroyer itself! We're the Golden Stardestroyer Company without the Golden Stardestroyer, the laughingstock of all the mercenary companies! No wonder we hadn't had a single client ever since! No, Commander, this cannot last. Phong here tells me that he barely manages to keep this thing from falling apart, much less upgrade it. His engineers haven't been paid for 2 months! “

Ghost Rider slowly turned his gaze on Lieutenant Commander Phong Nguyen, head engineer of the Golden Stardestroyer Company. Although it hardly seemed possible, the flames around his head seemed to grow bigger and burn a little hotter. Phong suddenly wished he was back in the reactor room, installing the quantum singularity reactor. Given the choice, being in the same room with a black hole seemed much more attractive.

"The Lieutenant Commander is getting all the money I can spare," Ghost Rider grumbled, “as you can see here, the technical department is getting nearly 50% of our total budget. And if you want to talk about budget allocation, what about those two, who seem to be on a never-ending quest to bankrupt us!" He pointed towards the two figures at the far end of the table.

"Proper armament is crucial to the defense of the station and the survival of this enterprise," Lieutenant Skimmer said coldly. Ghost Rider immediately stared hard at him. Skimmer gulped and grasped the handle of his hand cannon. Finding reassurance in the power of Hot Plasma Doom at his fingertips, he continued, “The defenses this station had could barely keep a fighter at bay. To properly defend the station, we need..." he turned to his companion, "Shep, give me the list".

Lieutenant MKSheppard, formerly the tactical officer on the Golden Stardestroyer was floating over the table. As a member of the panzerdolphin species, MKSheppard could not exist outside the seas of his home planet without adequate protection. He was now enclosed in a class 5 forcefield containing the water of his home, levitating telekinetically. Suddenly a "paper" pad appeared outside the protective confines of the forcefield and slowly floated into Skimmer's extended hand. Lieutenant Skimmer began reading:

"50 heavy turbolasers, 200 light turbolasers, another 2 warship-grade shields, 2 full fighter squadrons, 350 suits of power armor, a Pax deathbeam, 200 anti-fighter turrets, and at least 1500 missiles, with a yield no less than 1 terraton each. We should do fine with that for the time being."

"Incredible! It seems they are not building an interstellar motel, but a starbase! But fear not, Captain! Take confidence in the fact that their plan will fail because we can't afford any of it."

"If we didn't waste so much on these so-called "guest accommodations" we would have the money to fund the defense budget!" Skimmer responded coldly. "I say we let Comrade Hipper handle the accommodations of our guests."

"Skimmer," Stravo sighed, “our guests will come here to be entertained, not interrogated. Placing torture devices in their rooms is inappropriate at best. Anyways, I can give you 3 turbolasers, and two second-hand X-Wing fighters, but nothing more," he glanced at Ghost Rider, who burned even brighter, but remained silent. It was Shep who began chattering worriedly. "No nukey-nukey?" his translator squealed. "Yes, Shep, no nukey-nukey for you! We cannot afford it!” Shep began chattering even louder, but this time his translator remained silent.

"I hate to butt in at such a time," said Lieutenant Commander Vympel, a war droid built by the Russian Empire of Universe 36578, "but the troops haven't been paid for over two months now. They are ready to mutiny." "So?" scoffed Ghost Rider. "They have guns" Vympel reminded, "big guns." "So do we," said Skimmer, lovingly patting his hand cannon. "They have more," said Vympel extending all four of his hands. Skimmer remained silent. Although given a large degree of autonomy, his department was formally considered part of the ground forces. Meaning that Lieutenant Commander Vympel was his immediate superior officer. The fact that his superior officer was now pointing no less than 8 high caliber weapons of much pain and other unpleasantness at him added certainty that his decision to shut up was the correct one.
"We will pay the troops first," decided Stravo.
"But I need the money for my repairs!" exclaimed Phong

"But I need money to continue building the guest accommodations!" said Lieutenant Kernel, who was in charge of making the station livable
"But we need money to properly defend the station!" said Skimmer and MKSheppard at the same time.
"But I need money to...ummm..to have money and....ummm.... so that my graphs look good to the Captain!" said Ghost Rider.
There was an ominous silence as the officers at the table eyed each other and began to quietly reach for their weapons.
"Alright", said Stravo, "is there any way we can get enough money to satisfy everyone here?"
"No," Ghost Rider said quickly. "It is absolutely impossible."
"You're right, that was a bad choice of words on my part. Is there any way we can get enough money to prevent everyone here from killing each other?"
"Still no. There is no way we can get that kind of money. Unless...."
"Unless what?"
"Unless we take out a loan from Multiverse Financial."
A loud *gasp* flew around the table.
"Is...is that the only way?" asked Stravo meekly, trying to stop his voice from trembling.
"Unless you want to take Vympel apart and sell him as spare parts, then yes."
"Excellent! Do it!" exclaimed Stravo with great relief.
Immediately he found himself staring into the barrel of a blaster. Carefully looking around, Stravo saw that everyone at the table had a weapon of some sort pointed at them.
"That's not a very good idea, sir, " said Vympel.
"Alright alright, we won't take you apart. Put the gun away, Lieutenant Commander"
The guns disappeared into Vympel's torso.
"So, we have no choice, then?" Asked Stravo. "Alright, let's do it. Let's call Multiverse Financial."

It was as if thunder suddenly struck in the small room. Commander Ghost Rider immediately grasped his skull in terror, burned his hands on his own flame, and began shaking them wildly to cool them off. Lieutenant Commander Nguyen nearly fainted. Lieutenant Skimmer dropped his hand cannon in shock. Lieutenant Sheppard floated under the table and hid there. Lieutenant Commander Vympel made the sign of the Orthodox Cross with all four of his hands. Lieutenant Kernel looked like he was about to break down and start crying. Even Lieutenant Commanders Durandal and RedImperator, who did not have a department and thus did not trouble themselves with budgetary woes, looked uncomfortable. Captain Stravo himself reached into his uniform, took out a flask, and emptied it into himself.

For a few minutes there was complete silence.
"Well?" Stravo asked finally. "Someone go and call them!"
"Um..Captain?" Commander Ghost Rider said weakly, "they can't. We didn't pay our last bill to Multiversal Communications, so they cut us off."
Stravo sighed, "Alright then. There should be a resupply station about ten lightyears from here. They should have a stellarcom there." he looked around the room. "You, "he said, pointing to RedImperator, "fly there and ask them if you can use their stellarcom. And make it quick, before I change my mind and decide to shoot myself instead. Take Wicked Pilot with you, he's our best pilot!"
He slumped heavily into his chair as soon as Red disappeared.
"Now get out of here! All of you!" he told the rest.
"Sir? I don't think we should do that, "said Shep, regaining his composure." With us gone, you may do something foo...something leaving us in charge (committing suicide in this situation was a very wise thing indeed). Not to mention that when we are alone, we may get the urge to do the same thing. We should all stay here together." "Good idea, sir!' agreed Kernel.

And so they remained in the Budget room until Red returned with the contract. Unlike the more common paper pads, that were the size of a sheet of paper, this one was almost a meter long. Captain Stravo began the long and arduous journey through the jungle of legalese. “I, James Tiberius Stravo….1500% interest rate….my soul…my firstborn…my left hand…my kidneys….my property…my crew…my wife into prostitution…my descendants…up to the fifteenth generation….blah blah….another 5000 pages of terms and conditions….” Alright, here we go… Stravo put his finger to the contract. “They seem to be losing their touch. In the old days, they made you sign in blood”.

After a few hours of careful reading and re-reading of the contract (to familiarize themselves in all the ways they are being screwed) it was all over. RedImeperator sent the contract back through the supply station (the people there offered their condolences, and, much to the joy of Ghost Rider, refueled the shuttle for free). Things seemed to be going well (until the imminent onset of horrible suffering, pain, and death when Multiverse Financial came to collect). Of course, everyone was wrong, and they had many tribulations in store ahead of them (of course. What kind of a story has a happy ending in the middle of the first chapter?) And so, when the money arrived, the bills were paid, and stellarcom restored, Captain Stravo recieved the following message from Admiral Achilles of the Multiverse Sector Authority:

"Attention, lowly worm. I have heard reports that you are operating without a hotel license, and even though by law, you do not need it yet, as you are not open to the public, I am demanding that you purchase one for the extremely low price of the entire amount of credits you recieved from Multiverse Finacial. If you don't comply within three days, I will have an entire squadron of Stardestroyer crush you worthless squatters like the vermin you are.

Sincerely,
-Achilles, Admiral, 13th Fleet, Multiverse Sector Authority.

And the story continues….
*************************************************************

Stay tuned for the explosive conclusion in: Money Makes The World Go Round, Part 2

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

“I, James Tiberius Stravo….1500% interest rate….my soul…my firstborn…my left hand…my kidneys….my property…my crew…my wife into prostitution…my descendants…up to the fifteenth generation….blah blah….another 5000 pages of terms and conditions….” Alright, here we go… Stravo put his finger to the contract. “They seem to be losing their touch. In the old days, they made you sign in blood”.

Hehehe.

That was good fgalkin. I hope to see more coming soon.

Me likes!

Muy delicioso!!!

"Lowly worm?" That's the best you could do?! You've been here how long and that's the best you could do?!

And for some reason I read that as "Monkeys Make the World Go Round," not "Money"... *shakes head*

Zaia wrote:"Lowly worm?" That's the best you could do?! You've been here how long and that's the best you could do?!

And for some reason I read that as "Monkeys Make the World Go Round," not "Money"... *shakes head*

It's not me, it's Admiral Achilles. Its not my fault he's not much of a writer, or a flamer.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Heh .

Though I am in agreement...from a place which has fucktard as a regular saying...lowly worm was the best.

I expected much better from you, Russkie .

Still pretty nice start.

Hmmm...doing some fall cleaning on my hard drive, I've discovered Part II, written all the way back in February 2005.


***********Yefim Galkine Productions, in association with LenFilm Presents:***********

Star Destroyer Hotel: The Place to Be

Starring
Ghost Rider as Cmdr. Ghost Rider, Financial Officer.
phongn as Lt. Cmdr. Phong Nguyen, Chief Engineer
The Kernel as Lt. Kernel
Sea Skimmer as Lt. Skimmer
MKSheppard as Lt. MKSheppard


Also Starring
Vympel as Lt. Cmdr. Vympel-019, Spetsnaz Droid.
and
Stravo as Captain James Tiberius Stravo.

With Special Guest Appearances by
RedImperator as Lt. Cmdr. RedImperator.
Durandal as Lt. Cmdr. Durandal, the station's AI.
Captain Lennox as Corporal Lennox
The Shadow as Private Shadow
Ma Deuce as "Ma Deuce"
Captain Tycho as Private Tycho
BoredShirtless as Private BoredShirtless
Col. Crackpot as Private Crackpot

With
Semage as Semage the Sewage
Mad Wookiee as Himself
Qwertyuiop as Qwertyuiop

And
Achilles as Admiral Achilles, MSA.


in

Episode I: Money Makes The World Go Round, Part 2.

Written, Directed and Produced by
Yefim Galkine

"So, what do we do now?" asked Stravo?
"I'm not giving up my money" said Vympel. "Neither am I," said Phong. "Of course, if people had only listened to us and gave us the fucking money to arm ourselves before, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now, " remarked Skimmer.
"Gentlemen, let's not argue about past grievances right now. We have a bigger question before us. What should we do with Admiral Achilles."
"Kill him" said Shep immediately, "sneak in a fighter with a tac-nuke, and send him to the Halls of Mandos or wherever those Greeks go after their death"
"That would be Hades. And we can't kill him because Achilles is invulnerable. We'd have to launch the nuke at his heel," said Ghost Rider.
"Actually, we can kill him," observed Vympel, "this is not Achilles from the Iliad, but the one from the movie Troy. He is very much vulnerable to nukes and other weapons."
"But killing him will do us no good. We still won't have the license, and without it, Achilles' successor would easily shut us down, " said Kernel.
"I, for one, cannot believe the gall of that bastard. We already paid him off when we moved in to his sector. What right does he have to demand money from us again?!" exclaimed Stravo.
"The ancients were wrong; greed, not pride, goes before a fall," said Durandal. The station's AI was represented at the council as a hologram. "We could take something he holds dear, and control him in this way."
"Yeah, but what?"
"How about his girl, Brisieis?" wondered Stravo.
"Dude, she's his fuck-slave. He doesn't care about her," said Ghost Rider.
"Not in Troy, she ain't," said Vympel, "in Troy, she is his true love."
"So, what do we do? Take her hostage in exchange for a hotel license?" asked Stravo.
"That's a fine way to end up at the reciving end of a heavy turbolaser," Phong remaked grimly.
"Which we could easily take, and respond in kind, if only we got our weapons budget!" jumped in Skimmer.
"What if we take Achilles hostage instead, and have Brisieis get us the license?" proposed Kernel.
"Does she even have power to give out licenses? After all, she's only a fuck-slave..err, "true love"' remarked Ghost Rider.
"So, that's a dead-end?" sighed Stravo.
"Not entirely," said RedImperator. "I happen to know a few guys from the underworld who can help us out here."
"The mob? How can they help us?" asked Kernel.
"Well, my plan was to have them kidnap Brisieis, then heroically rescue her, and get the license. Even if Achilles won't give it, we'll be heroes. You can't blast heroes into smithereens. There will be a media outrage!"
"Gods, who would have thought that one day we would have to entrust our lives to the mass media," muttered Ghost Rider.

That night, turning on the evening news, Captain Stravo had heard the newest breaking story. Brisieis, the mistress of Admiral Achilles, and head of the Multiverse Authority forces in the sector, was kidnapped by the gang of the infamous criminal Semage the Sewage. The notorious gangster had made a list of demands, including a sum of 30 billion space credits within 24 hours, or the Admiral will recieve his lover's head in the morning mail. "30 billion credits?" thought Stravo, "Red must really messed with the guy's mind. That's why I love him so." Despite being Stravo's executive officer on paper, Commander Ghost Rider rarely did anything but sit in the budget room and grumble over finances. He shouldn't even be a Commander, much less the only Commander in the Company, but who's going to argue with a man who holds ultimate power over one's paycheck? And, so, Vympel, Phong, Durandal, and the others accepted the rank of Lieutenant Commander. As for Red, he was the real XO on the ship, and the only way the Captain could get anything done. Which is why, much to the envy of his peers, he had thee third largest paycheck in the Golden Stardestroyer Company.

Suddenly, the news were interrupted by a call from no one other than the man of the hour, Admiral Achilles himself. He was sitting in his office, feet on the table, and a coffee stain on his white uniform. He used to be a great warrior once, but years of good living as an admiral had made him complacent and wide in girth. He seemed annoyed.
"Stravo, I want that money right now. And I mean right now. A fleet of Stardestroyers is standing by to take you out at this very moment. So, I suggest you get moving."
"Admiral! What a wonderul coincidence! I was just about to call you. My condolences on your loss."
"The money. Right now."
"I take it you seem to be having a shortage of cash? Perfectly undestandable. We have been in the same situation for the past 8 months. Perhaps, there is some other way we could help?"
"Help? How could you help me?"
"Well, we are a proffessional mercenary company.Or, at least, we were, before we decided to go into the hotel business. Perhaps we could get your mistress back?"
"Nonsense! I've already gotten my best men on the job"
"Sir, your half of your 'best men' are in the employ of Semage, and the other half is so incompetent they can't find their own brain, despite looking for it for their whole lives! No, sir, only the Golden Stardestroyers could get the job done in 24 hours! And we're willing to work for free, too! We ask only for a small courtesy in the form of a restaurant license."
"No charge, eh? Hmm...."
"24 hours, sir! Guaranteed!"
"Alright, Stravo, you win. What do you need?"
"Only a written agreement with your signature, sir. It's not that I don't trust you to keep your word, but well, we don't trust you."
"You got it"
"Excellent, sir! I will oversee the operation myself!"
"You will get the contract within the hour. Oh, and Stravo.."
"Yes, Admiral?"
"I've heard stories about you. If you even try to sleep with her, I will personally castrate you"
"Good luck trying to catch me with that huge gut of yours," thought Stravo, while saying "Of course not, sir! Word of honor!"
"Very well, then. I expect to see Brisieis 24 hours from now," said Achilles and hung up.
"Captain, are you really going to go there in person?" asked Durandal, who was eavesdropping on the conversation?
"Of course not. I've got better things to do. Tell Vympel to go. We need his experience there. oh, and tell him that if they have time, to bring her over here. She might need some comforting after her ordeal, and I'm sure I could help her out there."
"Of course, sir"

And so, a strike team was assembled from the non-laid off members of the Company, loaded into a cargo transport (all the troop carriers were sold off long ago), and sent on their glorious mission.

"Umm..guys, what's the plan?" suddenly asked Corporal Lennox when they were about half way to their destination.
"I thought Lieutenant Commander Vympel had a plan," said private Tycho
"I sure do," agreed Vympel. "We rush in, guns blazing, we shoot everyithing that moves, with the exception of the Admiral's mistress, of course, and we get out of there before his men can claim the credit. Simple, no?"
"I like that plan," said private Crackpot.
"But how will we find them? The city is big," asked private Shadow.
"Good point," agreed a man in the corner. Nobody knew his real name, only his nickname, "Ma Deuce," after an ancient firearm.
"Well, we can send someone in to scout the potential hiding places," proposed Lennox.
"But how will he get inside?"
"What if he pretends he's a pizza delivery guy?" asked Tycho.
"What if they tell him they didn't order anything"
"Okay, then, what about a plumbing inspector, then?" continued Tycho.
"They'll ask for a license."
"That means they have something to hide. We'll storm the place and kill them all!" said Ma Deuce.
"Yeah, that works! Only someone with something to hide would ask for identification!"
"Bah! We don't need no stinking plan!" said BoredShirtless. He was a new addition to the team, but no one liked him already. He was an incompetent soldier, an idiot, and had an annoying tendency to contradict people just for fun. Annoyingly, he had survived the ground troops purge because his pay rate was slightly below that of a janitor, and so he was a favorite of Ghost Rider. Needless to say, that did not add to his popularity among his peers. So, everyone usually ignored him, and continued this fine tradition aboard the transport.
"But what if they let the scout in, and he finds out that this is the place?" contiuned Lennox.
"We need a code word. Something inconspicous and easily put into ordinary conversation. How about: 'Hey Guys! They're here!'?"
"Yeah, that works."
"So, its settled, then?" asked Ma Deuce. "I can go back to sleep?"
"One more thing," said Vympel, "we need to decide who's the scout. Someone who looks like a normal human being."Everyone looked around. Bulky guys in power armor and a battle droid. No normal human beings were within the transport or the nearby vicinity.
"What about Bored? He's a weakling," said Lennox.
"Bored? Hell no! he could't scout his ass from his head!" said Crackpot.
"We've got no choice, I'm afraid. Bored is the only one of us who has normal human proportions," said Vympel
"I don't want to go!" protested BoredShirtless
"Yet you will go. It's an order." said Vympel.
"Make me!" dared BoredShirtless.
Immediately, no less than high caliber 20 guns were pointed at him
"Lieutenant Commander, can we space him? Please?" begged Crackpot.
"I'm afraid not, private. We still need him"
'Damnit. Alright, then, strip him, and when we get there, get him a uniform."
And so they did. Landing in the spaceport, they got a U-Drive it hovercar van, and went off to explore the warehouses, crack houses, and other places of ill repute.

The first place they stopped before was a large warehouse. They had already looted the local plumbing service, getting a uniform for BoredShirtless, and now were ready to proceed.
"But I still don't want to go!" screamed BoredShirtless, but Vympel merely shoved him towards the door so hard, Bored flew the entire distance, hitting the door with his head. The door opened, and a security guard appeared. "May I help you?" he asked.
"I...I...I am an inspector. Yes...umm...plumbing inspector...I've got to inspect your plumbing...yes" stsmmered BoredShirtless, bleeding profusely.
"May I see your identification, sir?" inquired the guard?
"It's them! Get 'em, boys!" screamed Tycho, firing a plasma rifle at the guard. The guard rolled back into the doorway, trying to get his gun and kick BoredShirtless at the same time. He failed at both, and the next instant he exploded into a thousand small chunks, along with a section of the wall next to the door. Outside the warehouse Vympel lowered the missile launcher. "Alright, let's go in!" he ordered, raising his shields. Five minutes later, it was all over. All the goods were destroyed, the walls collapsed, and the ceiling found a new resting place on the floor. Private Crackpot was interrogating the lone survivor. "Where's Semage?" he asked. "Who?" "Semage." "I...I..don't know anyone who goes by that name, sir," said the terrified man. "He's lying" pronounced Tycho. "Yeah," agreed Lennox, "we should send him to Lieutenant Hipper. He will make him talk." Although the survivor knew nothing of Frank Hipper, he understood the threat in Lennox's voice and began trembling. "Nah, there's no time" said Shadow. "We can work on him ourselves," said BoredShirtless coming up. "I'm sure this guy knows where Semage is" "Hey! How do we even know this is the right place?!" asked Crackpot immediately. "They have something to hide," BoredShirtless reminded him. "But how do we know that they were hiding Semage?" "Hmm...good point," agreed Vympel, "As impossible as it seems, perhaps there is a flaw in our plans. Let's get out of here." He started to walk out of the ruined warehouse. The survivor immediately collapsed on the floor. "Thank you Lord for saving my life! I have never believed in you, but now I see that You exist! Praise the Lord!" he said a second before his head exploded. Ma Deuce lowered the barrel, "Well, we couldn't leave any witnesses, could we?" "Besides, I hate fundies," agreed Lennox.
"Hey, I have an idea!" exclaimed Shadow. "What if the next time someone asks BoredShirtless his id, he will show them this," he threw BS his gun, which was taken from him along with his clothes and armor on the transport. "Good idea," agreed Vympel.

The team spent the next four hours travelling all around the city, examining all large buildings. Shadow's solution worked like a charm. Seeing the large pistol in BoredShirtless' hand, and the massive armored figures of the team in the backgound convinced even the toughest gangsters to submit to an unplanned plumbing inspection.
"Gods, this is boring," thought BoredShirtless suddenly. He was finishing looking over another building, this time a run-down motel. Semage was nowhere in sight. "Perhaps, I should make things a bit more interesting," BoredShirtless continued. He had an idea. "Guys! They're here!" he screamed suddenly into his communicator. Suddenly, there was a massive explosion, collapsing on of the walls, and in rushed Vympel, shields up, weapons blasting everything that moved. He was followed by the rest of the team. The people inside fled in terror, but it was useless. Soon, there was no one left alive.
"Well, where is he?" asked Vympel, coming up.
"Who?" asked BoredShirtless, trembling slightly after witnessing the speed of the massacre.
"Semage, of course," Vympel was getting angry.
"Oh, he's not here. I was bored, so I decided to have some fun."
"Fun? FUN?! We just destroyed a building full of innocent civillians, and you consider this FUN?!" Lennox was furious.
"But you're always bored. That's why they call you BoredShirtless," said Ma Deuce at the same time.
"Yes, but this time I was especially bored. And how is killing civillians now any different than kiling civillians before," refuted BoredShirtless.
"Because that was an honest mistake. Collateral damage, you know." said Lennox.
"Sir, may I please shoot the bored fucker?" asked Crackpot.
"No, private, you may not. We still need him," said Vympel. "But if he ever does anything like this again, I will personally turn him over to Lieutenant Hipper."
"Yeah, right," snickered BoredShirtless.
The search continued. More buildings were "inspected," but Semage was nowhere to be found.
"Another house, another failure," muttered Lennox as the U-Drive-It van stopped in front of a louxurious private mansion. BoredShirtless seemed to be thinking the same thing, given that he was in no hurry to go anywhere. Still, he lazily got out of the vehicle and walked to the door (the van landed before the front door.) He knocked.
"Who is it?" came the voice from behind the door.
"Plumbing Inspection. Here to inspect your pipes."
The door opened, and a huge Wookiee appeared. He was wearing a green livery with a name tag reading "Mad Wookiee"
"Here are my credentials, sir,: smiled BoredShirtless jumping back and drawing his weapon. The rest of the team also aimed their weapons on the guard. The Wookiee thought about ripping the intruders' arms off, but decided against it, given their superior firepower.
"Welcome," he growled.
BoredShirtless and the guard walked along several narrow corridors until they were in a large oval chamber. It was filled with people, most of them armed. In the center of it, surrouned by naked slave-girls, sat a massive creature. BoredShirtless recognized Semage the Sewage. "Umm...this is going to take a while," he said, looking at Semage. "I must say....Guys! They're here! Get 'em!" he shouted.
Outside of the mansion, the team was listening to what was going on inside.
"Guys, BoredShirtless gave the sign. He sounded scared, too," said Ma Deuce.
"Nah, he's probably just fucking with us again," said Crackpot.
"Guys?! It's SEMAGE THE SEWAGE HERE! WE GOT HIM! C'MON GUYS, WHERE ARE YOU?!" the communicator shouted with the voice of BoredShirtless.
"He's definitely fucking with us," conclued Vympel.
"Oh yeah, absolutely," agreed Lennox.
"I concur," said Ma Deuce
"Same here," said Tycho.
"What if he's not? Shouldn't we go check it out just in case?" asked Shadow.
"Not yet," said Vympel, "let's wait and see what happens next."
Meanwhile inside Semage's room things were looking grim for BoredShirtless. Semage got up from his throne. He was a Hutt/Gungan hybrid. "Yousa no plumber! Yousa spy!" he rumbled in a deep basso profundo. After making this brilliant observation, he continued. "Mad Wookiee, rip hisa armsa off!" BoredShirtless tried to resist, but he was disarmed (at this point, only figurative). Then, the Wookiee grabbed his arms and easily pulled them off. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!" screamed BoredShirtless, "AAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAA......"
"......AAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!" the communicator screamed.
"He sounds like he's in a lot of pain!" said Shadow. "They're torturing him in there! C'mon guys, there's no time to lose!"
"Hmmm...it seems you're right," said Vympel. "Private Shadow, you are to move around the mansion looking for easy points of entry."
"But sir! We're losing time!" said Shadow.
"You have your orders, private!" Growling, Shadow started running around the building. "I meant, 'slowly'!" shouted Vympel behind him.
Meanwhile, BoredShirtless, still screaming and spraying blood from what remained of his arms was picked up by Mad Wookiee and thrown across the room, right before the throne of Semage. Semage smiled.
Many people knew the name of Semage the Sewage, but very few people knew that his full name was Semage the Spewage of Corrosive Sewage. That was due to Semage's unique ability to throw up a stream of exteremly acidic vomit which destroyed everything it came in contact with. "Bwahahaha," he rumbled. "Yousa gonna meltsa!" Saying that, before spewing a stream of his infamous Corrosive Sewage out of his mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! I'M MELTIIIIIIIIIING! OH GODS I'M MELTIIIING!" screamed BoredShirtless. Soon, however, it was all over. Where there was a man there was only a puddle of explosive oral diharrea.
"Hmm...he stopped screaming," observed Lennox.
"I think he's dead," said Tycho .
"It would seem so," observed Vympel .
"We shall never forget his sacrfice!" said Crackpot with joy in his voice.
"Oh, yes. His heroism will forever live in our hearts!" said Ma Deuce.
Everyone fell silent. "Are you sure he's dead?" asked Vympel finally.
"Yes, sir, I'm reasonably sure," said Crackpot, unable to hide his grin.
"Alright, then! Men, get into position! Private Shadow! Get back here!" ordered Vympel, raising his shields.
He fired a rocket launcher at the wall. There was a huge explosion, and a section of the wall collapsed. "For MOTHER RUSSIA!!!!!! URAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" screamed Vympel charging into the breach. The others followed him in.

Inside the mansion, lights flickered, walls trembled, and furniture collapsed, as Vympel blew a hole in the wall. One of Semage's soldiers named Qwertyuiop burst into the room. "Lord Semage, there is more of them. They have broken through the walls and are now moving here!" he reported. "Theysa be after the hostage woman. Bringsa her heresa, so Isa could usesa her to bargain with themsa," Semage rumbled. "The rest of yousa, to armsa! Kill them allsa!" Qwertyuiop dissappeared.
Meanwhile, Vympel and his men encountered the first signs of resistance. A man with a plasma rifle appeared from around the corner. But before he could fire a shot, his entire upper torso was vaporized. "I got one!"Tycho boasted . More Semage's men came rushing out from around the corner, and at the same time, from a hidden door behind the team. "Shit, those bastards got us surrouneded!" Lennox shouted . "No worries, we'll take 'em," Crackpot assured him. "Crackpot, Lennox, Tycho, and Shadow take the rear. I an Ma Deuce will take the front," ordered Vympel.
A violent firefight erupted in the hallway. Vympel cleanly shot off the head of one attacker, vaporized the torso of another, fired a burst of microflechettes into a group of into a group of attackers, shredding no less than six of them, used a cutting laser on full power to slice another two in half at the waist, and decapitate another one, all in the space of 4 seconds. At about this time, the enemies finally opened fire. Five shots hit the massive droid, but failed to penetrate his shields. Ma Deuce, taking cover behind him, shot another two attacker. Behind them, Lennox, Crackpot, Tycho, and Shadow began firing wildly. Each killed at least one enemy before they returned fire. A direct hit knocked Lennox down, but failed to penetrate his power armor. "Die, motherfuckers!" he shouted getting up and firing his flechette rifle. A burst of 5000 microflechettes, each less than a millimeter long, but travelling at supersonic speeds turned the attackers into bleeding slabs of meat. Eight of them collapsed. The rest turned and began fleeing towards the secret door they came from. Not one of them reached it.
Meanwhile, the more numerous attackers at the front, seeing the fate of ther comrades also turned and fled. Before they made it to the corner of the corridor, they lost another 3 men. The rest took cover behind the corner, and a few of them began firing. Immediately, Vympel fired a series of giuded antipersonnel darts. All of them flew around the corner and eliminated the attackers. There were screams and the thud of footsteps. The attackers were fleeing.
"It seems that this corridor was deliberately set up to allow this kind of ambushes," observed Shadow.
"From now on, we'll make our own corridors," said Vympel activating his cutting laser.
Meanwhile, in Semage's chamber, things were hastily arranged for a last stand. The slaves were sent away, barricades were set up, ammo distrubuted. No less than 60 armed men were ready to meet any attack. At the center of the room, stood Semage. In one hand, he held a plasma pistol, in the other, a chain that connected to the collar of Brisieis. Semage had considered adding her to his harem, but in this case his greed overpowered his lust. "Sir, they have defeated our ambush and are now moving through the walls!" reported Qwertyuiop. Suddenly there was a large *thud.* Every head in the room turned in the direction, and saw that a section of a wall had collapsed. Something was moving behind it. Every gun in the room turned aimed at the hole. Suddenly, a section of the opposite wall collapsed and out few something large. The last thing that twelve men nearest to the breach who turned to meet the new danger saw was a Spetsnaz battle droid of the Russian Empire, unit Vympel-19. The rest of the room, started firing wildly at Vympel, who was zig-zagging through the room at enourmous speeds. Most of the shots missed, and those that managed to hit were easily stopped by his shields. Vympel's weapons, whoever, easily killed the unarmored gangsters. In less than a minute, more than half of the defenders were killed.
Qwertyuiop was taking cover behind a barricade, occasionally popping out to take a shot at Vympel. Suddenly heard a noise behind him. He turned around and discovered a huge figure in power armor standing over him. "What the..." he managed in amazement. "Hello there, little guy. A pleasure to meet you. Now die," smiled Tycho before blowing his head off. Behind him, the rest of the team were slaughtering the surprised defenders.
Suddenly, Tycho was picked up and thrown across the room by something large and growling. He landed a few meters away. The rest of the team saw the massive Wookiee and turned to face it. Mad Wookiee knocked Shadow aside with a powerful swipe of his hary arm. Ma Deuce was punched in the face with such strength that his armored faceplate almost cracked. The impact knocked him out and he fell over. Crackpot and Lennox tackled the Wookiee together, and managed to knock it of its feet. They than climbed on him and began pummeling him. Mad Wookiee roared and with two massive blows sent both men flying. Before he could get up, he was attacked by Shadow. However, he was overpowered and knocked down. Seeing this, Crackpot and Lennox charged Mad Wookiee, grabbed his arms, while kicking him in the torso. The Wookiee roared again, jumped to its feet, lifted its arms, leaving Crackpot and Lennox dangling in the air. Both released their grip. However, their opponent shoved them while they were still in the air, sending both flying to the floor, next to the Shadow. The Wookiee then began pummeling all three as they were lying on the floor.
Behind the action, Semage the Sewage was joyous. "Yousa get 'em, Maadsa! Yousa killy them!" he rumbled. He dropped both the pistol and the chain and began to laugh and clap his hands, oblivious to the battle around him. At this moment, Brisieis leapt up, wrapped her chain around Semage's neck, and began strangling him. Semage fell on his belly coughing and wheezing, his hands futiley trying to reach the pistol. "Die, motherfucker!" Brisieis screamed. However, Semage, managed to make it back to his feet, reach the chain and unwrap it from his neck. He shoved Brisieis away. "Yousa thinkee me weaksa! But I am strongsa! I am greatsa warrior like Jar-Jar Binks, hesa the strongest of us! I killsa you now!" Semage was pereparing to spew a stream of his Corrosive Sewage, when he saw Vympel running towards him. He turned to face the droid. "Yousa catch this!" he rumbled, spraying Corrosive Sewage from his mouth. The stream was stopped by Vympel's shields. "No, yousa catch this," said Vympel mimicking Semage's voice. A plasma bolt vaporized Semage's head, another one blew a hole through his torso. Vympel continued his movement, leapt over body, and continued slaughtering the defenders.
Meanwhile, things were looking grim for the rest of his team. Mad Wookiee grabbed Lennox's arms and was trying to rip them off. The power armor suit held, but that would not last forever. Suddenly, a massive hole apperaed in the wookiee's chest. The wookiee roared, spilled its entrails on Lennox, fell down, and died. "Haha! Pwned!" screamed Tycho, holding a plasma rifle in his hands. "Did you see that? I just pwned a Wookiee!" "Guys...a little help? Even dead, the stupid thing is intent on killing me." moaned Lennox weakly. With great effort, they have managed to lift the dead wookiee and free Lennox. "Huh? What happened?" asked Ma Deuce, who had just regained conciousness. Suddenly, he was struck by a large rock released by an explosion nearby. He collapsed again.
"Hey, the battle's still going on," observed Shadow.
"I thought Vympel got them all," said Crackpot.
"Yeah, the guy is definitely slipping," said Tycho. "I mean, c'mon, how many Wookiees did he kill? None."
"Sixty-something guys? We could have taken them all by ourselves," said Lennox.
"Perhaps we should help him?" Shadow proposed.
"Yeah, that way we'll get all the glory," agreed Crackpot.
"Hey guys, look what I can do!" said Lennox. He quickly did an about-face, drawing his weapons, fired a series of shots from everything he had screaming "YAAAAAAARGH!", then turned to face his comrades, all in the space of a few seconds. Behind him, one of Semage's men fell to the ground.
"153 shots, one kill. Not bad at all," observed Shadow.
"Pfft, that's easy!" said Tycho. He quickly turned around and began firing wildly. "DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! DIE DIE DIE DI....Whoops, sorry about that, Lieutenant Commander!"
"Idiot," remarked Vympel, sending Tycho flying around the room. "Fortunately, I heed the advice of the ancients, and never lower my guard after a battle. If that fool had scrached the paint job, I'd have to kill him."
"You mean....the battle's over?" asked Ma Deuce, regaining conciousness again.
"See for yourself," said Vympel. "Lennox got the last one."
"I did? That's awesome! You hear that, guys?! I ended the battle!"
"But I pwned a wookiee!" said Tycho walking up. His helmet had a large dent in it. "Nobody here pwned a wookiee, but I did! I am teh uber!"
"If you're done bragging, then take the girl and let's get out of here," said Vympel.
"Not yet," said Tycho. "I gotta get a trophy!" He proceeded to cut off Mad Wookiee's head.
"I would like to leave a message for Admiral Achilles. This is Lieutenat Commander Vympel of the Golden Stardestroyer company. Please tell
the Admiral that we have rescued Briseis, and are en route to his residence, and we'll be expecting that license to be waiting for us. Captain Stravo? Oh yes, he's right here," something clicked, "Admiral, this is Stravo. Have the license ready," said Vympel in an exact immitation of Stravo's voice.

The events that took placce later in this story are hardly worth mentioning. Vympel and his team drove to Admiral Achilles' residence and exchanged one human female for one hotel license. On the flight back to the station, Tycho and Lennox argued about who deserved the most medals for the operation. Tycho announced his intentions to place Mad Wookiee's head on a wall outside his quaters for all the world to see. Upon arrival, a memorial was held for BoredShirtless. There was much bickering about who should attend, but in the end, the list of attendees was set at zero. The memorial was concluded sucessfully, and an empty coffin was launched into space. However, the coffin was not empty at all, for unbenkowest to Tycho, Private Lennox placed his Wookiee head there. When he noticed the head missing, Tycho was furious, but he never found out what happened to it. Later, there was much arguing in the Budget Room, as everyone wanted to get the most of the money. Using combat footage from Semage's mansion, Vympel managed to convince the rest to accept his budget in its entirety. Even Ghost Rider knew better than to argue with a spetsnaz droid. And so, there is only one thing needed to conclude this chapter successfuilly.

Four Months Later......

Captain James Tiberius Stravo was standing on the bridge of the station once called Babylon 5. When it was owned by the Earth Alliance, C&C had barely any gravity. Now, there were artificial gravity generators installed, guaranteeing a comfortable .85g throughout the station. It was still, rotating, however, as it was considered attractive to tourists.
Next to Stravo stood Commander Ghost Rider, Liutenant Commander RedImperator, Chief Engineer Phong Nguyen, and Lieutenant Commander Vympel, now holding the position of Security Chief.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Stravo announced, "send a message to all the major media outlets and tell all your friends: the StarDestroyer Hotel is now open for business."
Outside, Lieutenant Wicked Pilot was leading a wing of second hand X-Wings in a ceremonial flyby as a neon sign on the docking bay came to life. it read: "StarDestroyer Hotel: The Place to Be."

And so it begins.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

ROTFLOL!

Mmm...BoredShitless' death was a work of art.

Yay, I didn't die!

Those guys are professional, no doubt about it.

This is amazing! Can I be in it? Pretty please with a dildo on top?

Shroom, check Kuja's babysitting fic, thats what happens when you ask to be in a fic

Eh? Was I featured there?

No, I asked to get in, and well...look

What page? What chapter?

Shroom Man 777 wrote:What page? What chapter?

18 or 19, round abouts the last page.

It's been a long time since I read a story in a style like this. I love it.

Though, I must inquire, a restaurant license should be different from a hotel license, wouldn't you say?

Soontir C'boath wrote:It's been a long time since I read a story in a style like this. I love it.

Though, I must inquire, a restaurant license should be different from a hotel license, wouldn't you say?

not necessarily. After all, a hotel might al;so have a restaurant... so... actually most of them do... it's motels that don't excactly have room service.

Technically, all your discussions are moot, because the MSA doesn't work the same way our system does.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin