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Yet another one of SHEP'S IDEAS from his SECRET FANFIC
VAULT OF DOOM (TM), dusted off and rewritten some more:

This was originally going to be a plot line for Imperial Phoenix,
and FALKENHORST wrote the first couple of paragraphs shown
below, but it was dropped and FESTERED on my hard drive until
Dalton's delaying of the GSDA's tempted me to rework it
into an independent porno fanfic

It is as yet unnamed, but I know you sick fuckers will give
it a name .

(edit: added Falk's name above, I wanted to make sure it was
OK with him before I acknowledged his name; he's paranoid
about his good name, EHEHHEHE)

*********************************************************

[Deep Space Nine - Outer Docking Pylon 3 - 0300 hours]

Julian Bashir grunted and strained as he levered the last crate
of soup mix into the airlock.

He wiped his brow and stood back, hitting the start cycle.

The door ground closed and the airlock decompressed with
a whoosh, sucking the soup crates into space, where unknown
to anyone but a few spacers, they joined an increasingly
dangerous ring of soup crates orbiting Bajor.

Unbeknownst to anyone else, Bashir had singlehandedly
kept the Trill Porno industry alive against stiff competition
from the Ferenginar and their porn industries.

He was also the Trills' middleman, handling their exports to
Risa, which had been the keystone of Bashir's whole plan
and addiction.

The porn would be smuggled into DS9 inside soup crates,
and then carefully uncrated and shipped out to the rest
of the Galaxy as a whole through Quark's shady contracts.

The money kept flooding in, and Bashir was thinking
about expanding onto the Vulcan porn scene before
the year was up.

At this, Bashir couldn't help but chuckle. The fact that Vulcan HAD
a porn industry at all was always a surprise to the uninitated in
the porn business.

He then derided himself for thinking too far ahead. He still had
several hundred cartons of unsold Ferengi porn to sell - seems
only the ferengi liked that kind of crap, although there were always
a few deviants out there who were sick enough to like that kind
of shit.

Shuddering, Bashir walked back to his quarters, knowing that the
money he was paying Chief O'Brien would keep his secret rooms
full of sex toys and porno safe from all but the most intense
inspections, as they didn't show up on the station's blueprints
anymore.

[Runabout _Oronico_ heading towards Bajor]

Commander Benjamin Sisko sat back in the runabout's pilot's seat
and enjoyed the view of Bajor and her moons hanging motionless
in front of his craft.

Suddenly, a banging noise sounded, and Sisko sat up, and saw with
disbelief a can of Trill soup mix riocheting off his windshield.

"What the fuck was that?"

Moments later, a piece of flimsipaper slapped onto the windshield of
the runabout, the speed of the runabout plastering the paper all over
the windshield, giving Sisko an eye-opening view of one of the Ferengi
Porn industry's most famous stars.

Sisko fought the urge to vomit, and failed.

[1 hour later]

Sisko stepped out of the runabout on it's landing pad outside the Bajoran
Council Building, wearing a fresh uniform. He had spent the last half an
hour cleaning up his own vomit from the runabout's interior, and had
pretty much succeeded, except the runabout now smelled like cleaning
fluids.

A Bajoran officer walked up to him. "The Kai will see you now."

Nodding, Sisko followed the officer into the building, and
found the Kai standing in her office holding a can of soup mix.

"Kai...is that by any chance Trill soup mix?" asked Sisko.

"Why yes it is...how did you know?" replied the Kai, incredulous
at Sisko's observation.

Sisko put on a weak smile. "I ran over several of them on the
way here."

"Yes, that is what I called you here for, Commander. These cans
have become a hazard to navigation within our solar system, and
worst of all, we have found large caches of porn floating in
space from time to time."

"Interesting," said Sisko, "Do you have any idea who's doing this?"

"Yes, we do. It's coming from _your_ station, Sisko."

"I will not tolerate the corruption of Bajoran Morals by these vile
porn-runners, and if you do not take steps to arrest the individuals
responsible for this atrocity, I will be forced to expel the Federation
from Bajoran Space!" snapped the Kai.

Sisko was taken aback momentarily by the force of the Kai's demands,
and it was several seconds before he replied.

"Yes, we'll take care of them." Sisko countered in a voice as cold
as interstellar space.

The little hatfuckers who are using my station as a waypoint for
porno will find that it does not pay to fuck with me. thought
Sisko.

END CH 1

LOL!!!

That was strange.....

pretty funny, cant wait till next chapter.

Since when is weird ass shit fan fic a category?

Sea Skimmer wrote:Since when is weird ass shit fan fic a category?

Since the time it made you laugh your ass off.

MKSheppard wrote: Moments later, a piece of flimsipaper slapped onto the windshield of
the runabout, the speed of the runabout plastering the paper all over
the windshield, giving Sisko an eye-opening view of one of the Ferengi
Porn industry's most famous stars.

Sisko fought the urge to vomit, and failed.

I think I'd puke too.

IG-88E wrote:

MKSheppard wrote: Moments later, a piece of flimsipaper slapped onto the windshield of
the runabout, the speed of the runabout plastering the paper all over
the windshield, giving Sisko an eye-opening view of one of the Ferengi
Porn industry's most famous stars.

Sisko fought the urge to vomit, and failed.

I think I'd puke too.

I feel your pain, dude.
'

That is.... TRULY bizarre.

And thats not i, theres MORE!!!

But you really dont want to see it.

Master of Ossus wrote:That is.... TRULY bizarre.

At least it isn't half as bad as RayCav's attempt at one...

I think it's pretty funny.

Crayz9000 wrote:

Master of Ossus wrote:That is.... TRULY bizarre.

At least it isn't half as bad as RayCav's attempt at one...

Speak forth not of that fic

Crayz9000 wrote:

Master of Ossus wrote:That is.... TRULY bizarre.

At least it isn't half as bad as RayCav's attempt at one...

I do believe that mentioning that horror is a bannable offense.

Crayz9000 wrote:

Master of Ossus wrote:That is.... TRULY bizarre.

At least it isn't half as bad as RayCav's attempt at one...

STFU. That name has no meaning here; that "fic," as we will call it, is partly what got him banned. Do not mention it again. Ever.

Stormbringer wrote:I do believe that mentioning that horror is a bannable offense.

*thwack*

It's not my fault that I have a very strong stomach. Hell, I've read through Portal and was wisecracking MST3K style was I was going.

PORN FANFIC CH 2

[England, Earth]

Sheppard and Falkenhorst stepped in out of the rain,
having left their burly bodyguards back in the limo
at the gate. The butler escorted them into the
mansion to a large library, where he told them they
would be met by the owner of the mansion and the
vast surrounding estate.

The two men stood waiting patiently for ten minutes.
Finally a pair of large Oak doors opened and a
grotesquely fat man floated into the library on a
hoversled. He looked them over with his beady eyes
before speaking in a thick, rumbling british accent.

"I assume that you all know why you are here." rumbled the fat man.

"Yeah, for the estate. How much you want?" replied Sheppard.

"Have you found my initial offer of 4,000 bars of
gold-pressed latinum agreeable?" asked Malcolm Reed V.
It was no secret to those in the know that this bloated
descendant of the famous Malcolm Reed intended to retire
to Risa with the substantial inheritance from his father's
underground porn empire. Malcolm Reed IV had only just
passed away in the last six months, and had no other
surviving relatives save his horribly bloated and
equally perverted son.

"Perfectly so," countered Falkenhorst in a cultured
voice as he motioned for the bodyguards to bring the
cases out from the hovertruck.

"Excellent!" rumbled the fat lecher, bringing a
handkerchief to his mouth as he descended into a fit
of squelching coughs that caused his rolls of fat to
do a sickening dance and sent his hoversled rocking
on it's antigravs.

When he recovered, he went on, producing a folded
document from his specially tailored size XXXXL suit coat.

"This paper ensures the transfer of all... shall we
say attached assets that you will acquire along with
the estate." he said. Falkenhorst and Sheppard quickly
drew out their pens and affixed their signatures to
the paper.

"Excellent, while the latninium is being counted, we
might as well take a tour of your new estate." said
Reed, folding the paper. With that, the fat man
floated away on his hover cart.

"To your left, is the famous Risan Rock," where Malcolm
Reed the First became the first man to set foot on the
world of Risa, and paved the way for an empire of Porn!"
rumbled the fat smutlord as he floated down the wide
hallway. Sheppard and Falkenhorst followed behind him,
gazing reverently at the many relics lining the hallway.

Suddenly, Reed turned around, his antigrav cart squealing
in protest, and for a moment both Shep and Falk thought he
was going to fall, but the antigravs held.

"I'm very sorry, but in the excitement, I forgot all about my
liposuction treatments at five o'clock, to prepare me for my
eventual retirement to Risa.

"Here's a map of the grounds. I suggest that you look in the
study to find what you seek."

Reed paused for a moment. "I must warn you: my ancestor was
somewhat...obsessive...about his hobbies; so don't be surprised
at the shit you're gonna find down there."

As the corpulent descendant of Malcolm Reed floated away on
his wheezing antigrav sled, Sheppard muttered. "Some people
shouldn't have that kind of money."

"He won't have it for long," replied Falkenhorst before he
raised a communicator to his lips and spoke in short clipped
tones to the bodyguards outside.

"Mister Reed is leaving for a doctor's appointment. See to
it that he does not survive the appointment. Also, recover our
latinium as well, then come back."

[1 hour later]

Malcolm Reed V lay on the padded table face down, as a medical
technician sucked the fat out of his body. Soon, he would have
the body of his dreams. Money was so wonderful, especially
when you were as lazy as he was.

He dozed off to the sound of his fat being sucked out of his ass,
and thus didn't hear the door to the room opening.

"I'm sorry, but this is a private roo-" protested the Medical
Technician just before his head was blown off by a silenced 9mm
round from one of the goons' pistols.

"Suppressors. What a wonderful invention." remarked the head goon
as he slowly unscrewed the suppressor can from the barrel of his
9mm.

"Take the liposuction machine - I'll hold him down." he ordered.

"What do I do with this shit, man?" asked the other goon when he
saw all the blinking lights on the Liposuction machine's control
panel.

"Turn it up to the max, you stupid fuck! Do I have to explain
everything to you?!?"

Nodding, the goon cranked the machine up to the max and gripped
the liposuction hose, thankful that they had put on extra-thick
gloves before entering the building to hide their fingerprints.

The machine whirred louder as the suction increased, and
Reed woke up from his slumber at the change in the machine's
noise, and he turned around to see a thickset man twisting
the controls to the max.

"What the fuck is going on?!" he shouted as he tried to get
up and pull the suction tube out of his ass, but the head goon
slammed him down onto the table violently, breaking his jaw
in the process.

The other goon finished manipulating the controls and
grabbed the suction tube and after stabbing it into his back,
began to work it around his insides, sucking internal organs
out of the fat man with a horrible squicking noise as Reed
screamed in pure agony.

"You made the biggest mistake of your life, fatboy, when you
messed with Sheppard and Falkenhorst," announced the man who
was holding Reed down.

"They intend to make a load of money off your fucktard of an
anecestor, and nobody is going to be suing them for royalties."

The transparent tank full of liposuctioned fat quickly changed
from a pale white to blood red as the machine ravaged Reeds'
insides like a cheap whore doing a cock job for $25.

Within minutes, Malcolm Reed the Fifth was dead, and the Reed
line ended in that liposuction room. "Fat fuck was harder
than he looked." commented one of the bodyguards.

"Yeah, good God man, I had to suck 20 kilos of flab out
of the fucker before I hit any organs," countered the other
guard as he peeled his bloody gloves off, revealing another
set of gloves underneath.

"Well, I wonder what the bosses are doing right now, we'll
be stuck here till two cleaning up after this fucker to make
it look like an accident." replied the other guard as he
began to arrange the corpse of the medical technician so
that it would look like your typical murder/suicide.

[Same Time - The Reed Estate]

"Damn," breathed Falkenhorst, drawing out the word into several
syllables as he saw the true extent of the original Malcolm Reed's
secret files deep inside the hidden basement of the estate.

The files stretched away for what seemed like miles of shelving,
each file labelled with precisely lettered labels describing
their contents.

"Sheeeeit, how much crap could one man have gotten?" muttered Shep.

Falk picked out one of the tapes at random and looked at
it's label: "Hoshi + T'Pol Tape 22 of 50".

Sheppard was also rummaging through the endless line of tapes when
he stopped at one.

"Interesting. Seems he also had a kink for the other team."
commented Sheppard as he picked out a tape from the shelf
and said it's label outloud.

"Captain Archer in the Shower 1 of 10", said Sheppard in a disgusted
tone of voice.

"Burn that shit, man!" snapped Falk as he grabbed the tape out
of Sheppards hands and smashed it with his bootheel.

"We can watch this crap later, man. We gotta find the KEY to Reed's
porn empire." commented Falk as he looked around the vast underground
cavern that had been carved out of the bedrock of England in secret.

"Should we call the boys back?" asked Sheppard.

"Nah, they can take care of themselves. Besides, I told 'em
to come back after they were done with old man Reed himself
and had gotten our latinium back."

"It's gonna take some of that latinium to bribe the cops, you know."
added Shep.

"I know. But then again, nobody here liked Reed, we should be able
to get off with screwing the Chief of Police with a few bars."

[20 minutes later]

It had taken nearly a half-an-hour of searching the
seemingly-endless cavern, but they had finally found
Reed's office, which seemed to not have been used in
quite some time.

Picking up a rolodex, Falkenhorst began to flip through it.

"This shit is worthless, man. Half the people in here are dead, dead, dead..."

Suddenly he paused.

"Shit, I know this fucker! He was my fuckin' Seventh Grade Teacher!"

"Then maybe he'll help us." countered Sheppard. "You can always slap child
porn charges on the hatfucker with what we have here, if he doesn't cooperate."

"True, that. Oooh." muttered Falk as he ran across another card.

"Seems one Jean-Luc Peeecard, or however the fuck you spell his last name - fuckin'
Frenchies...has been knee-deep in the porn business ever since he got stabbed by
a bunch of Nausicians in a falling out over some porn the good ensign had sold them."

"That's not the official story, Falk." commented Shep.

"And with fuckin' good reason, man. Could you imagine the sounds of heads exploding
if it was told to the public at large, that Captain Picard, hero of the Federation
got stabbed by a bunch of Nausicians because he stiffed them on a porn flick?"

"And this is just one of that fat fuck's rolodexes. Want to grab the others
and flip through them while we 'review' those old tapes for quality?"
finished Sheppard.

"Only if we burn the gay porn crap first. No one in their right mind
would want that," said Falkenhorst with an air of finality to his voice.

"Well, we could always sell it off to another porn dealer for more latinium."
countered Sheppard. "Why destroy a possibly valuable source of income?"

"There's that. But I like to have *some* kind of morals, man." pronounced
Falkenhorst in a firm tone of voice.

[END CH 2]

The plot grows stranger...

Sea Skimmer wrote:The plot grows stranger...

Thats an understatement.

Whoa...

Shep is a funny SOB.

I must admit, death by liposuction is one I've never seen before.

now there's an idae for a graphic execution method, create a tiny hole in a spacship's hull, and shove someon'e ass up against it. For extra fun, you can chemically induce extreme constipation to prolong the agony.

consequences wrote:now there's an idae for a graphic execution method, create a tiny hole in a spacship's hull, and shove someon'e ass up against it. For extra fun, you can chemically induce extreme constipation to prolong the agony.

It's been done. Alien Ressurection, the Newborn.

Fuck, ESB, you beat me to it.