Is this line right?
Posted: 2005-05-28 12:40pm
This isn't exactly fan-fiction but this seems to be the most appropriate forum.
Anyway, I've written a script for a short film, and I think it's fairly good and all. Most of it seems to work. However, there's one part that seems to be... well not as good:
So, can anyone give me any ideas of what might be a better thing for him to say? Please?
As a little side story, I might add that I finished this script three hours before I went to see RotS for the first time (last Saturday). And I hadn't read any spoilers or anything, just seen the trailers. But I noticed that some of the scenes in my film were very similar to some scenes in RotS. For instance, I have a samurai talk about how it's bad to only see things in black and white, like Obi-Wan sort of said (though not in the same situation). And there's a scene where I have a bunch of kids in a pretty helpless situation asking a guy for help, and that scene ends with him drawing his sword... So that was pretty funny. Must have been my leet precog abilities. Or just random coincidences...
Anyway, I've written a script for a short film, and I think it's fairly good and all. Most of it seems to work. However, there's one part that seems to be... well not as good:
It's that last line there that I don't quite like. It was my intention to have Ruyosa's first comment "aw no" to be about something else, which would be funny because that's not what you expect. But when I wrote it, I sat for a good 20 minutes trying to think of what he could comment on. Things like his car had been wrecked, but then I realized that he's a grand ninja master, so he wouldn't have a car. So after not being able to think of something better, I wrote a "poopie joke", as you can see. But I really don't think that it fits with the rest of the film.Return of Orvarus: The Script wrote:Ext - Ninja town - night
Ruyosa and Aykarod finds the town to be under attack. Zombies hunt ninjas and people. Chaos is everywhere.
Ruyosa: Aw no, not again!
Aykarod: Get zombies a lot these days?
Ruyosa: What? No! Someone has not cleaned up after their dog again, look!
So, can anyone give me any ideas of what might be a better thing for him to say? Please?
As a little side story, I might add that I finished this script three hours before I went to see RotS for the first time (last Saturday). And I hadn't read any spoilers or anything, just seen the trailers. But I noticed that some of the scenes in my film were very similar to some scenes in RotS. For instance, I have a samurai talk about how it's bad to only see things in black and white, like Obi-Wan sort of said (though not in the same situation). And there's a scene where I have a bunch of kids in a pretty helpless situation asking a guy for help, and that scene ends with him drawing his sword... So that was pretty funny. Must have been my leet precog abilities. Or just random coincidences...