Darth Vader for President?!
Posted: 2005-06-10 07:24pm
This is a fan fic inspired by Pearson Mui's 'Anime Detective' series-- available at http://www.eyrie-productions.com/ETC/AD/ -- which were inspired by 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'. Vader isn't the star, but he has a major role in the story.
By the way, the details are NOT to insult you warsies, but to help readers who aren't otaku-- you aren't the only people who read this, and other readers might not know of Vader's history.
THE BERSERKER'S GUIDE TO ANTITERRORISM
By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2004-2005.
Based on the worlds created by Gary K. Wolf and Pearson Mui.
> 00 <
Animegamigu (Bright Sun Goddess' Palace), a Pacific island 193 km from Japan's east coast, was named after a deity the native inhabitants worshipped. It was the site of a major Imperial Japanese Navy base until 1945, when the United States Navy (USN) and Marine Corps (USMC) attacked it. The US military planned to use it the island as launch pad for the invasion of Japan; it remains vital to their Pacific operations.
Animegamigu is also known as "Cartoon Gods' Palace", due to the large Toon population that arose after World War 2 (WW2), when American animation studios outsourced work to the Japanese anime studios that would later become famous for their own works. Unlike Toontown, California (CA)-- dominated by corporations like Disney and Warner Bros-- Animegamigu's Toons are as diverse as humans; their potential for good and evil isn't limited by marketing executives who fear the controversy caused by a Toon's sexual and/or violent behavior.
What are Toons? Sociologists describe them as "children of dreams", brought to life by human imagination and sustained by the same. They rise from an animator's desk to act out the stories that will later be seen by millions of audiences. They can do amazing things because their strengths and weaknesses are limited by human imagination, not human flesh; they die only when the story demands it, and will rise from the dead when the scriptwriters make them do so. A cartoon's story limits a Toon's life the way fate limits human life, but some humans will rather be limited by something they are made aware of than with something as intangible as fate; this envy has caused many conflicts between within Animegamigu's population.
Many stories are told by the people of Animegamigu, trying to make a living in a land dominated by the US military, animation studios, and the "children of dreams" who try to make a living for themselves.
This is one of these stories.
->
Thursday, August 25, 2001. Morning.
Hanamura (Flower Village) is Animegamigu's red light district. It's better known as H-Ville, for "hentai" (pervert). Toon prostitutes dominate the local sex trade due to the fact that they cannot be infected with a sexually transmitted disease (STD), or infect others. The Animegamigu government often turns a blind eye to this due to the tax revenue H-anime studios, and the Toon prostitutes they create, provide.
Tentacle demons also dominate Hanamura; their phallic tentacles were animated to exploit a loophole in early censorship laws preventing the display of a human penis onscreen. In the 1990s, they often preyed on magical girls in sailor suits due to the popularity of 'Sailor Moon' and the H-anime parodies it inspired.
Today, a thundering roar ended the tentacle demons' dominance as the Devil Gundam, the fearsome antagonist of 'G Gundam', rocketed towards Hanamura. Infrared (IR) sensors scanned the district, seeking the heat generated by a demon in a lustful frenzy. The mobile fighter (MF)-- a high-performance humanoid combat vehicle controlled via the Mobile Trace System, which mimics the pilot's movements-- saw several H-anime ads for girls in sailor suits; its four 60 mm Vulcan cannons censored the images. Pimps and johns-- male clients of a prostitute-- ran for their lives as the 24-meter-tall robot monster rained depleted uranium (DU) rounds on the streets.
The prostitutes stared at the intruder. "Why is that Gundam wearing a sailor suit?" a girl's uniform at many Japanese schools. "Maybe Sunrise is trying to attract more female viewers." "Then they need more bishonen," beautiful young men, "not a robot transvestite!"
The Devil Gundam finally found its target in a love motel. "Haaaadeeees!" the pilot screamed as the MF stomped on the street to send nanobots through the ground, towards its target.
Hades, a tentacle demon named after the Greek god of the underworld, raised his head. 'Another jealous girlfriend.' Toon prostitutes were often bisexual. 'Why can't they wait until after I'm done?' He ignored the screamer as his tentacles ravished the Aphrodite 6-- six Toon girls from a H-anime.
He couldn't ignore the Gundam-headed serpents-- formed by the nanobots-- that burst through the wall, floor, and ceiling. "Argh!" he screamed when the serpents bit off his tentacles, allowing the girls to escape from the demon's clutches.
Slam, bam! "What the f*** is going on in here?" the motel manager demanded as the Aphrodite 6 ran out the door. Then he saw the robot monster darken the sky like a solar eclipse. "Oh sh**!" He turned around and ran for his life.
"You b****!" Hades drew energy from the lust flooding Hanamura; he formed a fireball in his right hand to blast a hole in the Gundam's defenses, as his tentacles regenerated to exploit the hole. "Apocalypse Sexy..." The Devil Gundam's beam cannons blasted Hades in half before he could say, "Shoot!" and throw the fireball; its two thermonuclear fusion reactors generated more energy than human lust. "Ahhhh!"
"Silver Moon Crystal Power..." echoed in the room as the Devil Gundam prepared to use its Dark Fingers, filling its hands with violet lightning. "Kiss!" The Gundam extended its arms, sending magical energy to destroy the tentacle demon and demolish the den of sin.
>
Boom! A young woman with blood-red hair and dark eyes turned to the noise. "What the hell...?" She saw the Devil Gundam's silhouette through the smoke from the burning love motel. "Damn." She drew the jitte (ten hands)-- a forked rod used for trapping sword blades-- hidden under her red leather jacket, and ran towards the combat zone.
"Die, die, die, die!" The Devil Gundam-- weight: 41.2 tons empty, 84.9 tons fully loaded-- used its fists and feet to pound and stomp the ground, forming a crater that became the Toon demon's grave. Although this didn't kill Hades, it made him pray for his own death as bones became dust and muscles became paste. The Aphrodite 6 cowered in the rubble, too terrified to move.
The woman appeared. "Usagi-chan?!" She recognized the pilot from the Devil Gundam's body language.
The MF turned its head. "Anna-chan?!" The pilot stared at the woman's red leather bustier and miniskirt, and the whorish makeup on her face. "What happened to you?!"
The woman blushed, embarrassed by her appearance. "I'm on the Vice Squad; I'm supposed to dress like this so we can arrest people for soliciting prostitutes. What happened to you?"
"I... I... Wahhhh!" The Devil Gundam pointed at the Aphrodite 6, who wore sailor suits. "Some jerk animated these,"-- she refused to say, "sl**s"-- "bad girls to look like me and my friends!" the Sailor Senshi (Warriors) from 'Sailor Moon'. "Now everyone thinks we're... Wahhhh!"
"Hush, Usagi-chan," the woman said in the tone a mother used to comfort a child. "I don't think you're a... bad girl. Your friends and family know you're not a bad girl."
"Sniff! Really?"
"Really. Why don't you change out of that mobile suit so we can go get some tea and cake?
"Sniff! Okay." The Devil Gundam took a knee. Tsukino Usagi, alias Eternal Sailor Moon, jumped out of the cockpit, now filled with tears.
"Sailor Moon?" The Aphrodite 6 were surprised that their idol was piloting the MF. "I'm a big fan!" "Can I have your autograph?" They shivered when Usagi glared at them, an unspoken threat the Devil Gundam would deliver. "Eek!"
"Calm down, Usagi-chan," the woman said. "They're not a threat."
>
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch, over."
Detective Andrew Mays raised the radio handset to his ear. "Dispatch, this is Trench Coat One, over."
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch. Stolen mecha," a nickname for giant robots, "has been sighted at 666 Pussy Lane."
"Isn't that in H-Ville?" asked Detective Saeba Ryo, a former private investigator (PI) from 'City Hunter' who joined the Animegamigu Police Department (APD) after the City Council passed a referendum against armed PIs. The Animegamigu Police Chief didn't discriminate against recruiting Toons, who made up 40% of the police force; immortals didn't need health or dental coverage, and the money the APD saved was more than enough to cover the property damage they caused while pursuing criminals. "What the hell is it doing there?" Ryo was an infamous lecher, but he expressed shock instead of lust; he knew his weapons were useless against a Gundam.
"Suspect was last sighted exiting cockpit, and is now on foot. Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Report to the scene and wait for backup, over," the police dispatcher ordered.
"Dispatch, this is Trench Coat One, wilco, over." Andrew placed a police light on his sedan roof, turned on the siren, and pressed his foot against the gas pedal. Despite his lower rank, Andrew led the Toon Crimes Unit because no one else wanted the job. Now it was his job to apprehend the mecha thief or, failing that, to follow her and report her location to the people who can.
The familiar sight of a giant robot next to a demolished building greeted the detectives; the sight of Sailor Moon crying on a human woman's shoulders was unfamiliar. Andrew raised his badge, displaying it to the witnesses. "Andrew Mays, Anime Detective. Can you...?"
Ryo stared at the woman's large breasts and long legs. "Mokkoriiii!" He went in a lustful frenzy, pounced on the woman, and groped her breasts. 'So firm!'
"Shrieeeek!" The woman stomped on Ryo's foot, forcing him to let go; she turned around, slammed her elbow against his face, and thrust her jitte into the waistband of his pants.
Ryo felt the jitte trap his penis; he felt the rod turn, threatening to break his penis. "Ahhhh!"
Andrew drew the one-ton mallet from the subspace pocket of his trench coat; although he didn't like Ryo, he was obligated to protect his partner. The woman turned the jitte, forcing Ryo to move between her and Andrew. The detective tried to find a way to stop the woman without hurting her Toon shield; then he recognized her. "Anna?"
The woman's eyes, cold and hard like steel, examined him. "Andrew-kun?" Her eyes became warm and gentle when she smiled. "You look well. How's Alise?" Andrew's sister, who befriended the woman in junior high school.
"She's fine." Andrew lowered his mallet. "Would you mind letting go of my partner?"
Officer Anna Mason frowned. "This pervert is your partner?"
Andrew shrugged. "He's not completely useless."
Anna pushed Ryo onto the ground, freeing her jitte. "Fine."
"Oh..." Ryo curled into the fetal position, cradling his penis.
"Why are you dressed like that? Isn't it against the Police Academy dress codes?" Andrew asked.
"I'm on the Vice Squad now." Anna graduated on Thursday, Aug 18, 2001.
Andrew hid his anger at the Good Old Boys, the senior officers who expressed their sexual discrimination by giving women bad assignments; his own career had suffered because he'd spoken against their behavior. 'No point in giving her a target for her anger; that'll only hurt her career.' "I see." He turned to the Devil Gundam. "That matches the description of a stolen mecha. Did you see the perp who was in the cockpit?" He saw Anna's eyes widen. 'She knows...'
"I'm guilty," Usagi confessed. "Hades and these... bad girls... were making me and my friends look bad. I was so angry, I..." Her eyes became reflective pools as she began to cry again.
Andrew's stomach ached; this happened whenever cutesy girls acted emotional, a behavior he found annoying. He drew a bottle of antacid, which he drank like a soft drink. "Calm down, Miss. Just plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity, and you can go home."
Usagi's eyes shined with hope. "Really?"
"Really."
A tentacle rose from the paste that was Hades' body. "No... I'm... pressing charges..."
'I really don't want to deal with this.' Andrew's mallet flattened the tentacle. "Um, Anna, do you know where she lives?"
"I'll call Mamoru-kun," Usagi's husband, "and ask him to take her home."
"Thanks." Andrew picked up his partner, supporting Ryo by the arm. "Come on, Ryo." He placed the Toon in the passenger seat, before calling the dispatcher. He noticed that Anna used a pay phone instead of a cellular phone. 'Strange.'
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch, over." The voice distracted Andrew from the woman, and he turned to the radio; he didn't think about Anna until his coworkers mentioned her later.
That night, an Oyabun (Father), a yakuza (Japanese criminal organization) boss, ordered seven of his men to teach "the new girl" a lesson. Anna broke the arms and legs of five yakuza, scaring off the other two; then she thrust her jitte into the Oyabun's waistband. This was the first of many acts of police brutality she committed in her attempts to arrest johns.
->
Wednesday, September 12, 2001. Afternoon.
Andrew ignored the mountain of paperwork on his desk as he talked to call his mother in California; yesterday's terror attacks made him worry about his relatives in the US. "No, Mom... No, Mom... Yes, Mom..."
Ryo and Detective Nene Romanova, a computer expert from 'Bubblegum Crisis', didn't complain about Andrew's current behavior; they understood how he felt. "I wonder how vulnerable Anigu," an abbreviation of Animegamigu, "is. I mean if the terrorists decide to target Japan..." Ryo shuddered, imagining what would happen if terrorists attacked the H-anime studios where his friends worked.
"Well, we're on an island, so the terrorists have to approach by sea or air; the US Navy and the JMSDF," the Japanese Maritime Self-Defense Force, "will have plenty of time to intercept them," Nene commented.
"Take care of yourself, okay? I'll call you later." The phone rang immediately after Andrew hung up; he sighed as he picked up the handset. "Mays, Anime Detective."
"Andrew, can you come by the office for a few minutes?" the Animegamigu Police Chief, a middle-aged man, asked.
"Sure thing, Chief." He faced his coworkers. "I'll be back."
"Hurry; I want to finish off this paperwork before midnight, so I can check on some friends," Ryo added.
Andrew was too tired to comment on the kind of friends Ryo had. He exited his office and knocked on the Chief's door. "You wanted to see me, Chief?"
"Come in."
Andrew hid his anger when he saw Lieutenant Herbert "the Pervert" Powers in the Chief's office; Powers was one of the Good Old Boys who tried to have Internal Affairs investigate Andrew for speaking against his policies. "Morning... Lieutenant," he greeted, hesitant to use a title the Good Old Boy didn't earn.
"I understand you've worked with Officer Mason," Powers said.
"I only met her once, when the Devil Gundam was stolen."
"We're forming an Antiterrorist Unit, and we plan to assign Officer Mason to the new unit. Do you think she'll make a good detective?" Powers asked hopefully.
Andrew frowned. 'What is he afraid of?' "I don't know her that well, but don't officers usually serve for one to five years before they're qualified for promotions?"
"She made 224 arrests during her first month on the force; I think she's qualified."
"She also committed 223 acts of police brutality, although it can be argued that the perps deserved it," the Chief added.
Andrew couldn't hide his surprise. "Two hundred and...?"
Powers leaned over Andrew's shoulder, ignoring the detective's anger at his behavior. "Blowup Doll," the nickname Anna gained for her bra size and her temper, "is the Mayor's favorite niece. If she loses her job, we'll lose ours," he whispered.
"Why can't you just transfer her to a desk job?" Andrew asked.
"I asked Officer Mason if she wanted to transfer; I was told she wanted to stay in Vice and continue punishing perverts," the Chief answered.
"She has McKellan's Syndrome, a.k.a. Magneto's Syndrome," which magnetized the hemoglobin in her blood. "Her body is a giant magnet, meaning she can't use a computer or any electronic device that isn't hardened against EMP," the electromagnetic pulse generated by a nuclear weapon. "She uses that damn jitte because a magnetized pistol is as useless as an unloaded one," Powers added.
Andrew nodded, remembering the rage Anna expressed, and her use of a pay phone. "I see."
Powers leaned over Andrew's shoulder again. "I'll give you anything if you just help me get Blowup Doll out of Vice."
"Keep Internal Affairs off my back, and I'll keep her jitte out of your pants."
Powers shivered; he didn't want to share the fate of the man whose "sword" was broken. "Deal."
Andrew told the Chief he was impressed by Anna's courage under fire when he met her, and recommended her for promotion. The Chief trusted him, and accepted the recommendation with few questions. Andrew passed Anna on his way to his office; he noticed the bloodstains she tried to wipe off her leather clothes. "Good luck with the Good Old Boys."
She smiled. "Thanks, Andrew-kun."
Andrew heard Anna's maniacal laughter when Powers exited the Chief's office; she had the masculine "Ha ha ha ha ha!" of a berserker cutting down his enemies, not the feminine "Oh ho ho ho ho ho" of a dominatrix whipping a slave.
"I'll behead them all, and offer their heads to honor my ancestors! Their blood will rain down from heaven, cleansing the earth of sin!" Anna swore. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" The door closed, muffling the laughter.
'I almost feel sorry for them,' Andrew thought. 'Almost.'
> 01 <
Thursday, Sep 30, 2004. Afternoon.
The Otaku Six were anime otaku (fans) who formed a sentai (combat team) for fun and, later, for money. They offered their services to whoever could pay the fee; today they were paid to hijack the Death Star, the mobile battle station that terrified the heroes of 'Star Wars'. They decided to use the heroes' plan: steal an Imperial shuttle, pilot it into one of the Death Star's hangers, sneak into the command center, and hack into the computer core.
They drove towards McClellan Air Force Base (AFB) in stolen Hummers, watching Lambda class shuttles fly between the station and the AFB in Northern California. In 1984, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) set up an antiballistic missile (ABM) research laboratory on the Death Star; George Lucas, creator of 'Star Wars', used the lease money to pay for his children's college tuitions.
'The Boss better give us that bonus for putting up with this sh**!' Otaku Mecha, the leader, thought as he handed a forged ID card to the rent-a-cop guarding the main gate. He wasn't happy that he must hide his heroic red costume under a United States Air Force (USAF) uniform, but the Otaku Six had no choice; security was too strong for them to storm the base, even with giant robots. "Thank you, Sir," he said as the rent-a-cop returned the card. The Hummers passed an Imperial stormtrooper squad and a Mark IV sentry droid as they approached the hangers. "There it is," Mecha said, pointing at a hanger guarded by stormtroopers.
"I don't think it's a good idea to use an Imperial shuttle?" Otaku Hentai knew the stormtroopers were Sprites, Toons that rose from a computer monitor. Like a video game console, the Death Star's computer core would constantly spawn stormtroopers until they disabled it. "Maybe we should try our luck with a F-15 ASAT," anti-satellite interceptor.
"You're not being paid to think," Mecha hissed.
'Neither are you,' Hentai didn't say.
"Just follow me." Otaku Mecha, Hentai, and Magical Girl exited the first Hummer and approached the stormtroopers from the east side; Otaku Sengoku (Warring States), Romance, and Classic exited the second Hummer and approached the west side, so they could surround them.
"What's up, my man?" Mecha greeted, imitating the loud, arrogant, and obnoxious Americans that appeared in anime. "Listen, I got to get in the hanger and check out that bird. You see, that baby needs an oil change, and we're the only ones who can do it."
The stormtrooper sergeant, who wore a white rank pauldron on his right shoulder, contacted the Death Star command center. "Maintenance is not scheduled for today. Please contact HQ," the base headquarters, where the Lucasarts liaison was, "for confirmation."
"Listen, Man, you messing with my groove, here! We got to give that bird a tune-up, Man!"
"Please contact HQ for confirmation," the sergeant repeated.
"Fine, have it your way. Go, Otaku Six!" The sentai members jumped into the air, transforming in six colorful flashes of light; they wore their costumes when they landed. The stormtroopers had enough time to shoot Romance and Classic before the other Otaku were close enough to engage in hand-to-hand combat.
"It's not fair... I want to die in the loving embrace of my Prince Charming..." Romance cried.
"B****! We're dying side-by-side in battle! This is a classic scene, although it usually occurs near the end of a movie. Isn't this romantic...? Ah!" Classic screamed when a stormtrooper shot him again, killing him.
'You deserve that,' Romance thought before she fell unconscious.
"Hai ya! Hai ya! Hai ya!" the Otaku shouted as Mecha's fists and Sengoku's katana (long sword) hit the stormtroopers, who disintegrated into neon green ones and zeroes-- their source code-- as they died. Each Otaku was stronger than three stormtroopers, but they were outnumbered five-to-one.
"I offer these men to you, Demon of Lust! Arise and f*** them in the a**!" Hentai pumped his hips up and down. A burning pentagram appeared on the hanger floor; cruel laughter filled the air as tentacles reached for...
"Eek!" Magical Girl swung her baton, shooting stars at the tentacles. "Not me, you pervert!" She pointed at the stormtroopers. "Get them!" A tentacle encircled her left leg and lifted her into the air. "Noooo!" she cried as another tentacle tore open her pink costume, exposing her underwear.
"Ha ha ha ha...!" A lightsaber was thrown like a boomerang, severing the demon's tentacles. "Ahhhh!" The demon couldn't to regenerate its tentacles; the stumps were cauterized.
"Ite!" Magical Girl cried as she fell onto the floor. The pentagram disappeared as the demon returned to hell, too injured to continue fighting.
The lightsaber returned to a gloved hand. "Identify yourselves," Lieutenant General (O9) Darth Vader, a villain of the 'Star Wars' movies who joined the USAF in 1999, demanded.
"We're the Otaku..." Mecha glanced at Classic's body. "Five! We're here to steal a shuttle so we can hijack the Death Star! If you surrender now, we'll let you crawl away with your cape between your legs!"
Vader's mask hid his smirk. "I'd like to see you try."
"Fine!" Mecha waved his arms and posed, summoning a robot dragon, tiger, and phoenix. Lightning flashed and thunder roared as the beasts combined into a giant robot, the dragon forming the body and legs, the tiger forming the arms, and the phoenix forming a stylish cape. "Go, Otakuzord! Stomp on Vader in the name of justice!" The giant robot charged, shaking the earth.
Vader smirked as rainbow lights filled his left hand. The stormtroopers took cover behind him, fearing an art too terrifying to be seen or heard in a family movie. "Dark Disco Mirror Ball!" A disco remix of the 'Star Wars' theme filled the air when the Sith Lord threw the ball lightning at the Otakuzord, blasting it to pieces; broken pieces of metal rained on the ground, justifying the terror the Dark Disco caused.
"Ahhhh!" Mecha, Sengoku, and Hentai knelt on the floor and covered their ears, trying to silence the disco music that echoed between their ears and threatened to shatter their skulls; then they fell unconscious.
Vader ignited a second lightsaber and faced Magical Girl, who shivered as she aimed her baton at him. "Surrender or face the Dark Side's power."
Magical Girl dropped her baton. "I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die..." She curled into the fetal position, too scared to face Vader.
->
Friday, October 1, 2004. Morning.
Ring, ring! "Mays, Anime Detective... What?!"
Ryo and Nene watched Andrew grab his trench coat and fedora. "What was that?" they asked simultaneously.
"The Otaku Six... Five, now... just tried to steal an Imperial shuttle."
"From which empire?"
"The Galactic Empire. Darth Vader's."
"Eek!" Nene remembered how scared she was, watching Vader lead stormtroopers in the opening scene of 'Star Wars IV: a New Hope'.
"That wimp? Why are you so worried?" Ryo added.
"Because the USAF runs a weapons lab on the Death Star. The Otaku attacked a US military facility; they could've started a war."
Ryo imagined the consequences of a nuclear attack on Anigu. "Great, now I'm worried."
"The Chief is meeting with the US military liaison; they want me to brief them. We'll probably have to find out who hired the Otaku, so cancel your appointments for the next two weeks. Nene..."
"I'll look into their bank records." Nene sat before her computer, opened the files she had on the Otaku Six, and began hacking into the banks' databases.
"Thanks. Ryo, come with me."
Ryo followed Andrew out the door. "I have a date tomorrow night." He turned to the sound of high heels click on the floor: a woman with long blood-red hair, large breasts pushing against the confines of her white blouse, and long legs reaching from her knee-length skirt to her red pumps, walked down the hallway. "Mokkoriiii!" Ryo went in a lustful frenzy, pounced on the woman, and reached under her skirt to grope her butt.
"Shrieeeek!" The woman used the Shuang Feng Guan Er (Twin Peaks Pour into Ears), one of the 49 Taijiquan (Supreme Ultimate Fist) moves she learned from a friend; her fists struck Ryo's temples, stunning him.
Ryo lost his grip; he fell, slamming his chin against the floor. "Ite!" He felt the woman grab the back of his neck and lift him off the floor; then he saw a wall fly towards him. Wham, crack, clatter!
"Damn it." Andrew ran after his partner, who was dragged into the recreation room. "Ryo, we don't have time for this!" He reached for the doorknob.
Slam! "Ahhhh!" "God have mercy!" "She's going berserk!" Andrew jumped, hanging from the ceiling like a spider to avoid being trampled as policemen stampeded out of the room.
"Hurl!" Detective Lilica Evett, a computer expert from 'Burn Up', stumbled out of the room, holding her hands over her mouth.
Andrew dropped from the ceiling, landing on his feet. "Are you okay, Lilica?" He watched her shake her head. "What happened?"
Lilica's teammates from Warrior, the Neo Tokyo Police Department's elite antiterrorist unit, calmly walked out of the room. "This is a great picture." Detective Kinezono Rio-- Warrior's hand-to-hand combat expert-- stared at her cellular phone. "We should post it on the door to the women's dressing room."
Detective Jinguu Maya-- Warrior's sniper-- nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that should teach Yuji," Sergeant Naruo Yuji, Warrior's pilot and lecher, "not to peep."
Lilica suppressed the urge to vomit. "I don't think that's a good idea," she said, shaking her head. "Eek!" she cried when the woman with blood-red hair exited the room.
Detective Anna Mason smiled. "Good morning, Andrew-kun."
The anime detective noticed daisho (long and short swords)-- whose plastic scabbards hung from a black leather belt-- at the woman's left hip. "Morning, Anna."
"How's Alise?"
"She'll be fine as long as she stays out of Mechatown," the nickname of Anigu's industrial district. "Those 'Gundam Seed' boys really set her off." Andrew's sister went into berserker rage whenever she saw a bishonen, who often cried for trivial problems, or laughed maniacally when they used their superpowers-- powers they didn't deserve.
"I wish her luck." Anna bowed to Rio and Maya. "I'm sorry for interrupting your game, Kinezono-san, Jinguu-san."
The blonde Toon smiled. "It's okay, Sword Breaker," the nickname Anna gained for her acts of police brutality. They watched Anna enter the restroom to wash red paint-- Ryo's blood-- off her sleeves.
Andrew faced the Warriors. "What did she do?" Rio showed him the cell phone screen. The photo looked like it was taken when Vlad III Dracula (Dragon's Son) was Voivode (Warlord) of Wallachia: Anna had thrust a pool stick in Ryo's butt, raised it vertically over her head, and was ready to plant the stick-- with Ryo impaled upon it-- in the floor. "Gasp!" The anime detective emptied a bottle of antacid down his throat, fighting the urge to vomit. "Why didn't you stop her?!" he demanded when this urge was under control.
"Why should we?" "He got what he deserved." "It's what you Americans call, 'poetic justice'," Rio and Maya answered.
"I'm going to... Hurl!" Lilica ran to the restroom.
Andrew sighed. "Can you help me get him down? We have business with the Chief."
"What kind of business?" Maya asked.
"Profitable business?" Rio added, dreaming of the bonus she'd earn if Warrior were deployed.
"Some otaku turned mercenaries just attacked a US Air Force base," Andrew answered.
"I heard," Maya stated. "Do you think bin Laden," leader of al-Qaida (the Base), the terrorists responsible for the Sep 11, 2001 attacks, "signed their paychecks?"
"Maybe. It's our job to find out."
"I hope so." Rio's eyes sparkled as she fantasized about the reward offered for Osama bin Laden's arrest or execution. "With $20,000,000, I can..."
Andrew ignored Rio as he entered the room.
>
Ten minutes later...
Andrew carried Ryo-- who was in the fetal position, reaching between his legs to cradle his butt-- like a suitcase; such strength was considered superhuman, but the detective often acted like the Toons he worked with. "Didn't you learn your lesson the first time you harassed Anna?"
"I did; that's why I'm wearing a Gundarium codpiece," Ryo answered.
"Sigh." Andrew dropped his partner on the floor, ignoring Ryo's cry of pain as he approached the Chief's office. He stepped in front of Ryo, shielding the Toon. "Anna, I'm sorry about what happened this morning-- Ryo won't control himself, and I cannot control Ryo. Can you...?"
Anna smiled. "Apology accepted, Andrew-kun." She knocked on the door. "Detectives Mason and Mays, reporting as ordered," she said, observing military customs and courtesies. When she graduated from high school, she joined the US Army Reserves to be a military policewoman (MP), but her medical condition prevented her from completing basic training.
"Enter," a tired voice said.
Andrew opened the door. "Ladies first." Anna smiled as she entered.
Detective Stan Tai, the Sentai Action Unit leader, was already in the office. "Morning, Andrew."
"Morning, Stan."
"Good morning, Tai-san."
"Detectives, this is Lt Jones, US military liaison to the City Council." The Chief waved at a man in a USN uniform.
Lieutenant (O3) David "Davie" Jones shook Andrew's hand. "We will sincerely appreciate any information you give us. Those bastards will pay for interfering with the production of Episode III..." He blushed. "For attacking a US military facility."
Andrew hid his surprise. 'He cares, even though Episodes I and II look as bad as the toilets in the men's restroom?' "Yes, Sir."
>
One hour later...
Stan yawned, tired from Jones' interrogation for information on the people who attacked a 'Star Wars' icon. "That was... informative," a polite way of saying, "boring". "Does the US Navy have a lab on the Death Star?"
"No, but Jones sure acts like Vader. Men like him are overgrown fan boys who dream of being a Jedi," Andrew commented.
"Sith," Stan corrected.
"Whatever."
Anna glanced at her wristwatch, which was designed for people with McKellan's Syndrome; magnetic fields spun a rotor, generating electric power for the watch. "I'm going to check the terrorist cells on the island."
"Aren't they all Toon groups?" Stan asked.
"There are some human groups, like the Vanguards of the Third Impact, or the Advocates for Human Instrumentality."
Andrew groaned. "I know them. Some people overanalyze 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'," which depicted death as a means to let human souls unite and evolve into God.
"I'm gonna check the local mecha dealerships. Later." Stan walked down the hall.
"Don't forget to share information, okay?" Andrew reminded.
"Gotcha."
"Goodbye, Andrew-kun. Tell Alise I said, 'Hi.'"
"I will." Andrew watched Anna walk away; then he lifted Ryo off the floor and carried the Toon to his office. "Find anything, Nene?" he asked when he opened the door.
She shook her head. "They made cash deposits, which are impossible to trace. We have to ask the Otaku where they got the money."
"Gotcha." Andrew turned to his partner, who was bandaging his wounds. "Ryo, put on your pants and come with me. We're gonna shake up some bank managers and see if the Otaku told them anything. Nene, get your hardsuit," robotic armor she wore in 'Bubblegum Crisis'. "We'll need it soon."
"Okay, Andy." She watched Andrew and Ryo exit the office.
>
Two hours later...
'They should've called by now.' Nene stared at her cell phone. 'Are they safe? Are they in danger? Are they...?'
Knock, knock! "Hello, Nene-chan," greeted Sgt Daily Wong, one of her costars from 'Bubblegum Crisis'.
"Hello, Daily-san. Can I help you?"
"I was going to ask for the info you have on the Otaku Six, but I see there's something more important you have to deal with." He sensed Nene's concerns. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"I'm just worried about Andy, that's all. Where's Leon?" Daily's partner in 'Bubblegum Crisis'.
"He's helping Anna-chan with our investigation."
->
Noontime.
Anna's right hand held Ouka (Cherry Blossom), her katana; her left hand gripped a young man's throat. She slammed his head against the ceiling, covering his face with plaster; he looked like a kabuki actor when Anna lowered her arm to look into his eyes. "Let me repeat the question: what did Otaku Mecha tell you about his latest job?"
"You can't... do this... to me... Police brutality..." Wham, crack! "Ite!" Kaneda Mitsuo, leader of the Vanguards of the Third Impact, felt like he had a hangover; his head spun painfully as he was lowered.
Sgt Leon McNichol leaned against a desk, watching Anna interrogate the otaku-turned-terrorist. Posters for the 'Evangelion' movies covered the apartment walls. "She can do this until you answer our questions, or until your skull cracks open. Believe me, getting your braincase cracked open will not make you one with God."
"No... Only the Third Impact..." Wham, crack! "Ite!"
"Who hired Otaku Mecha? Who paid him ¥5,000,000 in cash?" Anna demanded.
"He told me... a businessman..."
Rat-at-at-at! "Ite!" Anna cried when three bullets hit her back, tearing open her blue jacket.
Leon drew his Smith and Wesson Model 500 (12.7 mm) revolver-- whose scope and 10.5 inch (26.67 cm) barrel provided exceptional accuracy and power-- as he ducked behind the desk. He glanced at Anna, who was still standing. "Take cover!" Anna simply turned around, holding Kaneda in front of her.
"Ahhhh!" the human shield screamed when a bullet hit his abdomen; the gunman released the AK-47 7.62 mm rifle trigger to avoid causing more damage. "Sh**!" Kaneda cursed when Anna threw him, a human javelin, at the gunman.
"Argh!" Sasaki Tetsuo, a Vanguard of the Third Impact, cried when Kaneda hit his chest, slamming him against a wall. "B****!" He pushed Kaneda off his body, jumped to his feet, and aimed his rifle...
Anna threw Chouchou (Butterfly), her wakizashi (short sword), at the rifle muzzle to split the barrel in half. "You beast!"
Tetsuo dropped the useless rifle and drew a Makarov 9 mm pistol. "Ahhhh!" He dropped his pistol when the katana pierced his abdomen, pinning him to a wall like an overweight butterfly.
Kaneda reached for the Makarov. Crunch! The stainless steel heel of a woman's shoe crushed the pistol. Kaneda looked up. 'White panties!' He saw bruises on Anna's back, not bullet holes. 'Impossible!'
McKellan's Syndrome increased bone and muscular density, giving Anna the strength and endurance to survive the attack. "You deserve to be butchered like a beast!" Invisible hands lifted Chouchou off the floor, into her hand. She shook the wakizashi to throw off the AK-47, and made a shallow cut between Tetsuo's eyes.
"Ahhhh!" The otaku-turned-terrorist stared at Chouchou, the point circling in front of his face as Anna tried to control her anger.
"Be gentle with him; dead men tell no tales." Leon watched Kaneda crawl towards the door. "Freeze, or I'll use you for target practice."
"Okay, I'm freezing, I'm freezing." Kaneda put his hands over his head.
>
The Chief sighed as Leon finished his report. "Where is Detective Mason now?"
"She's seeing a doctor for her injuries," Leon answered.
"Will she also see a psychiatrist for medication to treat her anger? I'm tired of handling complaints of police brutality."
"The perp deserved that for shooting a police officer in the back," Leon protested.
"And Mister Kaneda?"
"If someone tried to kill you and everyone you know, claiming this was for the greater good, would you let him?"
"He didn't commit any violent crimes."
"Kaneda's computer has files on NBC," nuclear, biological, and chemical, "weapons, and blueprints for a hybrid which can duplicate the Third Impact depicted in 'The End of Evangelion'." 'That otaku-turned-terrorist doesn't have the brains to design and build a successful weapon, but...' "We're lucky to get him before he succeeded."
"Sigh." 'My job was much easier during the Cold War, when people knew they'd be nuked if they didn't restrain themselves.' "Dismissed."
Nene and Daily greeted Leon when he exited the Chief's office. "Leon-chan, have you seen Andy or Ryo?"
"Don't call me that!" Leon growled, making Nene whimper.
Daily smiled to disarm his partner. "Calm down, Leon. Just give a yes or no answer."
"Sigh... Not since this morning," Leon answered. "Have you tried calling them?"
"Of course! I even tried remotely activating their cell phones so I can triangulate their location, but it didn't work!"
"Hum. I better tell Mason about this. Maybe she can help."
"Detective Anna Mason, alias Sword Breaker? Why her?"
"No one can make a perp sh** in his pants faster than her."
>
Anna lied facedown on the table; bar magnets, which stimulated her pressure points to accelerate her recovery, rose vertically from her bare back like a porcupine's quills. "Tell me about your new boyfriend."
Doctor Hayashi Aoka, an acupuncture and herbal medicines specialist, hid her surprise. "What makes you think I have a new lover?"
"We've known each other for ten years." The Mason family had trusted the doctor since Anna was a child. "We can sense each other's emotions, like the scent of flowers." She smiled. "What's he like?"
Aoka smiled as her hand gently brushed Anna's hair. "The One I Love has silky hair that flows between my fingers like water from a fountain. The One I Love has eyes as deep as the sea; I drown in their passion whenever I look into those eyes. The One I Love touches me with the warmth of the rising sun whenever we're together."
"Sounds like true love. I envy you for finding someone worthy of a love poem."
"I thought you found someone?"
"What do you mean?"
Aoka's smile became mischievous. "I know you recently made love."
Anna blushed, her face as red as her hair. "Kyo," the berserker who killed a thousand men in 'Samurai Deeper Kyo', "and I didn't fall in love. We were drunk and trying to claim the last bottle of sake. We were possessed by bloodlust when we dueled for the bottle and to determine who was Strongest; then bloodlust became lust."
Aoka wasn't surprised that Anna spent a night with a Toon; such relationships were common in Anigu. She was surprised that Anna was drinking. "I thought you dislike the taste of alcohol?"
"I went to a restaurant to meet the Shan Chu," Mountain Lord, a triad (Chinese secret society) boss, "for info on a terrorism suspect. She insisted that I drink with her; to refuse would be to insult her."
Aoka knew Anna's "self-defense" against the Oyabun allowed the triad to take over businesses the yakuza once dominated. 'Brigitte,' the Shan Chu, who attended medical school with Aoka, 'must respect-- or fear-- Anna to personally meet her.' "And Kyo? Do you like him?"
"We're too alike to deny our instincts," which Toons shared with their human creators.
'I know all to well,' Aoka thought, remembering her first love and the risks she took to be with her lover.
Ring-a-ling! The receptionist approached the door. "Aoka-sensei, a police officer wants to see Anna-sama."
"Sigh. I must continue fighting the War on Terror." Anna waited for Aoka to remove the magnets, before she stood up and stretched. "Ahhhh! I feel better now." She took the jacket and blouse Aoka lend her. "Thank you, Aoka-sensei. I'll return the clothes tomorrow."
"Take care of yourself, Anna-chan." The doctor suppressed a sigh as Anna got dressed, covering her beautiful body.
->
Thursday, Sep 30, 2004. Evening.
"And if we lose our will, we lose. But if we remain strong and resolute, we will defeat this enemy," George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, finished.
"90 second response, Senator Kerry," the debate referee announced.
Senator John F. Kerry, Democratic presidential nominee, began his rebuttal to Bush's remarks. "This president has made, I regret to say, a colossal error of judgment. And judgment is what we look for in the president of the United States of America.
"I'm proud that important military figures who are supporting me in this race... I sucked their cocks..." Kerry froze. 'What the...?' "Important military figures who are supporting me in this race-- former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, John Shalikashvili; just yesterday, General Eisenhower's son, Gen John Eisenhower, endorsed me; General Admiral William Crown; Gen Tony McBeak,"-- he mispronounced McPeak's name-- "who ran the Air Force war so effectively for his father-- all f***ed me in the a**..." He turned to his opponent. "Stop that!"
"Stop what?" Bush asked.
"Stop f***ing with my mind!"
"What do you mean?"
"I know Darth Invader's taught you how to use the Force! I know you're making me say things!"
"What things?"
"That John Shalikashvili f***ed me in the a**!"
"Did he?"
"Yes, and I liked it!" Kerry's face was red with anger. "I mean no!"
Bush leaned over his podium. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" He shook, unable to suppress his laughter.
"Stop that! Stop laughing at me!" Kerry extended his arms to strangle his opponent. The debaters ran around like children playing tag; the stage became a playground.
"Gentlemen, behave yourselves!" the referee protested. Four men chased Kerry for ten minutes, trying to stop the Democratic presidential nominee, before order was restored.
>
One hour later...
"Thank you and good night." 'Good riddance,' the referee didn't say.
Bush saw Vader standing with his campaign staff, and approached his chief antiterrorism expert. "Deevee!" the nickname he gave Vader. "Thanks for the tip!" he said, smiling.
"There are more... conservative... ways to discredit Kerry," Vader deadpanned. "You could've made him say, 'Viva la France!'"
"Yeah, but my way is more fun. Have you found out who tried to hijack the Death Star?"
"The Animegamigu Police Department has a lead."
"Animegamigu... Isn't that in Japan?"
Vader nodded. "I'm leaving tonight, so I can personally retrieve the information from the Police Chief. The terrorists will pay for this," he swore, raising a fist.
"Well, good luck, Deevee!"
By the way, the details are NOT to insult you warsies, but to help readers who aren't otaku-- you aren't the only people who read this, and other readers might not know of Vader's history.
THE BERSERKER'S GUIDE TO ANTITERRORISM
By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2004-2005.
Based on the worlds created by Gary K. Wolf and Pearson Mui.
> 00 <
Animegamigu (Bright Sun Goddess' Palace), a Pacific island 193 km from Japan's east coast, was named after a deity the native inhabitants worshipped. It was the site of a major Imperial Japanese Navy base until 1945, when the United States Navy (USN) and Marine Corps (USMC) attacked it. The US military planned to use it the island as launch pad for the invasion of Japan; it remains vital to their Pacific operations.
Animegamigu is also known as "Cartoon Gods' Palace", due to the large Toon population that arose after World War 2 (WW2), when American animation studios outsourced work to the Japanese anime studios that would later become famous for their own works. Unlike Toontown, California (CA)-- dominated by corporations like Disney and Warner Bros-- Animegamigu's Toons are as diverse as humans; their potential for good and evil isn't limited by marketing executives who fear the controversy caused by a Toon's sexual and/or violent behavior.
What are Toons? Sociologists describe them as "children of dreams", brought to life by human imagination and sustained by the same. They rise from an animator's desk to act out the stories that will later be seen by millions of audiences. They can do amazing things because their strengths and weaknesses are limited by human imagination, not human flesh; they die only when the story demands it, and will rise from the dead when the scriptwriters make them do so. A cartoon's story limits a Toon's life the way fate limits human life, but some humans will rather be limited by something they are made aware of than with something as intangible as fate; this envy has caused many conflicts between within Animegamigu's population.
Many stories are told by the people of Animegamigu, trying to make a living in a land dominated by the US military, animation studios, and the "children of dreams" who try to make a living for themselves.
This is one of these stories.
->
Thursday, August 25, 2001. Morning.
Hanamura (Flower Village) is Animegamigu's red light district. It's better known as H-Ville, for "hentai" (pervert). Toon prostitutes dominate the local sex trade due to the fact that they cannot be infected with a sexually transmitted disease (STD), or infect others. The Animegamigu government often turns a blind eye to this due to the tax revenue H-anime studios, and the Toon prostitutes they create, provide.
Tentacle demons also dominate Hanamura; their phallic tentacles were animated to exploit a loophole in early censorship laws preventing the display of a human penis onscreen. In the 1990s, they often preyed on magical girls in sailor suits due to the popularity of 'Sailor Moon' and the H-anime parodies it inspired.
Today, a thundering roar ended the tentacle demons' dominance as the Devil Gundam, the fearsome antagonist of 'G Gundam', rocketed towards Hanamura. Infrared (IR) sensors scanned the district, seeking the heat generated by a demon in a lustful frenzy. The mobile fighter (MF)-- a high-performance humanoid combat vehicle controlled via the Mobile Trace System, which mimics the pilot's movements-- saw several H-anime ads for girls in sailor suits; its four 60 mm Vulcan cannons censored the images. Pimps and johns-- male clients of a prostitute-- ran for their lives as the 24-meter-tall robot monster rained depleted uranium (DU) rounds on the streets.
The prostitutes stared at the intruder. "Why is that Gundam wearing a sailor suit?" a girl's uniform at many Japanese schools. "Maybe Sunrise is trying to attract more female viewers." "Then they need more bishonen," beautiful young men, "not a robot transvestite!"
The Devil Gundam finally found its target in a love motel. "Haaaadeeees!" the pilot screamed as the MF stomped on the street to send nanobots through the ground, towards its target.
Hades, a tentacle demon named after the Greek god of the underworld, raised his head. 'Another jealous girlfriend.' Toon prostitutes were often bisexual. 'Why can't they wait until after I'm done?' He ignored the screamer as his tentacles ravished the Aphrodite 6-- six Toon girls from a H-anime.
He couldn't ignore the Gundam-headed serpents-- formed by the nanobots-- that burst through the wall, floor, and ceiling. "Argh!" he screamed when the serpents bit off his tentacles, allowing the girls to escape from the demon's clutches.
Slam, bam! "What the f*** is going on in here?" the motel manager demanded as the Aphrodite 6 ran out the door. Then he saw the robot monster darken the sky like a solar eclipse. "Oh sh**!" He turned around and ran for his life.
"You b****!" Hades drew energy from the lust flooding Hanamura; he formed a fireball in his right hand to blast a hole in the Gundam's defenses, as his tentacles regenerated to exploit the hole. "Apocalypse Sexy..." The Devil Gundam's beam cannons blasted Hades in half before he could say, "Shoot!" and throw the fireball; its two thermonuclear fusion reactors generated more energy than human lust. "Ahhhh!"
"Silver Moon Crystal Power..." echoed in the room as the Devil Gundam prepared to use its Dark Fingers, filling its hands with violet lightning. "Kiss!" The Gundam extended its arms, sending magical energy to destroy the tentacle demon and demolish the den of sin.
>
Boom! A young woman with blood-red hair and dark eyes turned to the noise. "What the hell...?" She saw the Devil Gundam's silhouette through the smoke from the burning love motel. "Damn." She drew the jitte (ten hands)-- a forked rod used for trapping sword blades-- hidden under her red leather jacket, and ran towards the combat zone.
"Die, die, die, die!" The Devil Gundam-- weight: 41.2 tons empty, 84.9 tons fully loaded-- used its fists and feet to pound and stomp the ground, forming a crater that became the Toon demon's grave. Although this didn't kill Hades, it made him pray for his own death as bones became dust and muscles became paste. The Aphrodite 6 cowered in the rubble, too terrified to move.
The woman appeared. "Usagi-chan?!" She recognized the pilot from the Devil Gundam's body language.
The MF turned its head. "Anna-chan?!" The pilot stared at the woman's red leather bustier and miniskirt, and the whorish makeup on her face. "What happened to you?!"
The woman blushed, embarrassed by her appearance. "I'm on the Vice Squad; I'm supposed to dress like this so we can arrest people for soliciting prostitutes. What happened to you?"
"I... I... Wahhhh!" The Devil Gundam pointed at the Aphrodite 6, who wore sailor suits. "Some jerk animated these,"-- she refused to say, "sl**s"-- "bad girls to look like me and my friends!" the Sailor Senshi (Warriors) from 'Sailor Moon'. "Now everyone thinks we're... Wahhhh!"
"Hush, Usagi-chan," the woman said in the tone a mother used to comfort a child. "I don't think you're a... bad girl. Your friends and family know you're not a bad girl."
"Sniff! Really?"
"Really. Why don't you change out of that mobile suit so we can go get some tea and cake?
"Sniff! Okay." The Devil Gundam took a knee. Tsukino Usagi, alias Eternal Sailor Moon, jumped out of the cockpit, now filled with tears.
"Sailor Moon?" The Aphrodite 6 were surprised that their idol was piloting the MF. "I'm a big fan!" "Can I have your autograph?" They shivered when Usagi glared at them, an unspoken threat the Devil Gundam would deliver. "Eek!"
"Calm down, Usagi-chan," the woman said. "They're not a threat."
>
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch, over."
Detective Andrew Mays raised the radio handset to his ear. "Dispatch, this is Trench Coat One, over."
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch. Stolen mecha," a nickname for giant robots, "has been sighted at 666 Pussy Lane."
"Isn't that in H-Ville?" asked Detective Saeba Ryo, a former private investigator (PI) from 'City Hunter' who joined the Animegamigu Police Department (APD) after the City Council passed a referendum against armed PIs. The Animegamigu Police Chief didn't discriminate against recruiting Toons, who made up 40% of the police force; immortals didn't need health or dental coverage, and the money the APD saved was more than enough to cover the property damage they caused while pursuing criminals. "What the hell is it doing there?" Ryo was an infamous lecher, but he expressed shock instead of lust; he knew his weapons were useless against a Gundam.
"Suspect was last sighted exiting cockpit, and is now on foot. Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Report to the scene and wait for backup, over," the police dispatcher ordered.
"Dispatch, this is Trench Coat One, wilco, over." Andrew placed a police light on his sedan roof, turned on the siren, and pressed his foot against the gas pedal. Despite his lower rank, Andrew led the Toon Crimes Unit because no one else wanted the job. Now it was his job to apprehend the mecha thief or, failing that, to follow her and report her location to the people who can.
The familiar sight of a giant robot next to a demolished building greeted the detectives; the sight of Sailor Moon crying on a human woman's shoulders was unfamiliar. Andrew raised his badge, displaying it to the witnesses. "Andrew Mays, Anime Detective. Can you...?"
Ryo stared at the woman's large breasts and long legs. "Mokkoriiii!" He went in a lustful frenzy, pounced on the woman, and groped her breasts. 'So firm!'
"Shrieeeek!" The woman stomped on Ryo's foot, forcing him to let go; she turned around, slammed her elbow against his face, and thrust her jitte into the waistband of his pants.
Ryo felt the jitte trap his penis; he felt the rod turn, threatening to break his penis. "Ahhhh!"
Andrew drew the one-ton mallet from the subspace pocket of his trench coat; although he didn't like Ryo, he was obligated to protect his partner. The woman turned the jitte, forcing Ryo to move between her and Andrew. The detective tried to find a way to stop the woman without hurting her Toon shield; then he recognized her. "Anna?"
The woman's eyes, cold and hard like steel, examined him. "Andrew-kun?" Her eyes became warm and gentle when she smiled. "You look well. How's Alise?" Andrew's sister, who befriended the woman in junior high school.
"She's fine." Andrew lowered his mallet. "Would you mind letting go of my partner?"
Officer Anna Mason frowned. "This pervert is your partner?"
Andrew shrugged. "He's not completely useless."
Anna pushed Ryo onto the ground, freeing her jitte. "Fine."
"Oh..." Ryo curled into the fetal position, cradling his penis.
"Why are you dressed like that? Isn't it against the Police Academy dress codes?" Andrew asked.
"I'm on the Vice Squad now." Anna graduated on Thursday, Aug 18, 2001.
Andrew hid his anger at the Good Old Boys, the senior officers who expressed their sexual discrimination by giving women bad assignments; his own career had suffered because he'd spoken against their behavior. 'No point in giving her a target for her anger; that'll only hurt her career.' "I see." He turned to the Devil Gundam. "That matches the description of a stolen mecha. Did you see the perp who was in the cockpit?" He saw Anna's eyes widen. 'She knows...'
"I'm guilty," Usagi confessed. "Hades and these... bad girls... were making me and my friends look bad. I was so angry, I..." Her eyes became reflective pools as she began to cry again.
Andrew's stomach ached; this happened whenever cutesy girls acted emotional, a behavior he found annoying. He drew a bottle of antacid, which he drank like a soft drink. "Calm down, Miss. Just plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity, and you can go home."
Usagi's eyes shined with hope. "Really?"
"Really."
A tentacle rose from the paste that was Hades' body. "No... I'm... pressing charges..."
'I really don't want to deal with this.' Andrew's mallet flattened the tentacle. "Um, Anna, do you know where she lives?"
"I'll call Mamoru-kun," Usagi's husband, "and ask him to take her home."
"Thanks." Andrew picked up his partner, supporting Ryo by the arm. "Come on, Ryo." He placed the Toon in the passenger seat, before calling the dispatcher. He noticed that Anna used a pay phone instead of a cellular phone. 'Strange.'
"Trench Coat One, this is Dispatch, over." The voice distracted Andrew from the woman, and he turned to the radio; he didn't think about Anna until his coworkers mentioned her later.
That night, an Oyabun (Father), a yakuza (Japanese criminal organization) boss, ordered seven of his men to teach "the new girl" a lesson. Anna broke the arms and legs of five yakuza, scaring off the other two; then she thrust her jitte into the Oyabun's waistband. This was the first of many acts of police brutality she committed in her attempts to arrest johns.
->
Wednesday, September 12, 2001. Afternoon.
Andrew ignored the mountain of paperwork on his desk as he talked to call his mother in California; yesterday's terror attacks made him worry about his relatives in the US. "No, Mom... No, Mom... Yes, Mom..."
Ryo and Detective Nene Romanova, a computer expert from 'Bubblegum Crisis', didn't complain about Andrew's current behavior; they understood how he felt. "I wonder how vulnerable Anigu," an abbreviation of Animegamigu, "is. I mean if the terrorists decide to target Japan..." Ryo shuddered, imagining what would happen if terrorists attacked the H-anime studios where his friends worked.
"Well, we're on an island, so the terrorists have to approach by sea or air; the US Navy and the JMSDF," the Japanese Maritime Self-Defense Force, "will have plenty of time to intercept them," Nene commented.
"Take care of yourself, okay? I'll call you later." The phone rang immediately after Andrew hung up; he sighed as he picked up the handset. "Mays, Anime Detective."
"Andrew, can you come by the office for a few minutes?" the Animegamigu Police Chief, a middle-aged man, asked.
"Sure thing, Chief." He faced his coworkers. "I'll be back."
"Hurry; I want to finish off this paperwork before midnight, so I can check on some friends," Ryo added.
Andrew was too tired to comment on the kind of friends Ryo had. He exited his office and knocked on the Chief's door. "You wanted to see me, Chief?"
"Come in."
Andrew hid his anger when he saw Lieutenant Herbert "the Pervert" Powers in the Chief's office; Powers was one of the Good Old Boys who tried to have Internal Affairs investigate Andrew for speaking against his policies. "Morning... Lieutenant," he greeted, hesitant to use a title the Good Old Boy didn't earn.
"I understand you've worked with Officer Mason," Powers said.
"I only met her once, when the Devil Gundam was stolen."
"We're forming an Antiterrorist Unit, and we plan to assign Officer Mason to the new unit. Do you think she'll make a good detective?" Powers asked hopefully.
Andrew frowned. 'What is he afraid of?' "I don't know her that well, but don't officers usually serve for one to five years before they're qualified for promotions?"
"She made 224 arrests during her first month on the force; I think she's qualified."
"She also committed 223 acts of police brutality, although it can be argued that the perps deserved it," the Chief added.
Andrew couldn't hide his surprise. "Two hundred and...?"
Powers leaned over Andrew's shoulder, ignoring the detective's anger at his behavior. "Blowup Doll," the nickname Anna gained for her bra size and her temper, "is the Mayor's favorite niece. If she loses her job, we'll lose ours," he whispered.
"Why can't you just transfer her to a desk job?" Andrew asked.
"I asked Officer Mason if she wanted to transfer; I was told she wanted to stay in Vice and continue punishing perverts," the Chief answered.
"She has McKellan's Syndrome, a.k.a. Magneto's Syndrome," which magnetized the hemoglobin in her blood. "Her body is a giant magnet, meaning she can't use a computer or any electronic device that isn't hardened against EMP," the electromagnetic pulse generated by a nuclear weapon. "She uses that damn jitte because a magnetized pistol is as useless as an unloaded one," Powers added.
Andrew nodded, remembering the rage Anna expressed, and her use of a pay phone. "I see."
Powers leaned over Andrew's shoulder again. "I'll give you anything if you just help me get Blowup Doll out of Vice."
"Keep Internal Affairs off my back, and I'll keep her jitte out of your pants."
Powers shivered; he didn't want to share the fate of the man whose "sword" was broken. "Deal."
Andrew told the Chief he was impressed by Anna's courage under fire when he met her, and recommended her for promotion. The Chief trusted him, and accepted the recommendation with few questions. Andrew passed Anna on his way to his office; he noticed the bloodstains she tried to wipe off her leather clothes. "Good luck with the Good Old Boys."
She smiled. "Thanks, Andrew-kun."
Andrew heard Anna's maniacal laughter when Powers exited the Chief's office; she had the masculine "Ha ha ha ha ha!" of a berserker cutting down his enemies, not the feminine "Oh ho ho ho ho ho" of a dominatrix whipping a slave.
"I'll behead them all, and offer their heads to honor my ancestors! Their blood will rain down from heaven, cleansing the earth of sin!" Anna swore. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" The door closed, muffling the laughter.
'I almost feel sorry for them,' Andrew thought. 'Almost.'
> 01 <
Thursday, Sep 30, 2004. Afternoon.
The Otaku Six were anime otaku (fans) who formed a sentai (combat team) for fun and, later, for money. They offered their services to whoever could pay the fee; today they were paid to hijack the Death Star, the mobile battle station that terrified the heroes of 'Star Wars'. They decided to use the heroes' plan: steal an Imperial shuttle, pilot it into one of the Death Star's hangers, sneak into the command center, and hack into the computer core.
They drove towards McClellan Air Force Base (AFB) in stolen Hummers, watching Lambda class shuttles fly between the station and the AFB in Northern California. In 1984, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) set up an antiballistic missile (ABM) research laboratory on the Death Star; George Lucas, creator of 'Star Wars', used the lease money to pay for his children's college tuitions.
'The Boss better give us that bonus for putting up with this sh**!' Otaku Mecha, the leader, thought as he handed a forged ID card to the rent-a-cop guarding the main gate. He wasn't happy that he must hide his heroic red costume under a United States Air Force (USAF) uniform, but the Otaku Six had no choice; security was too strong for them to storm the base, even with giant robots. "Thank you, Sir," he said as the rent-a-cop returned the card. The Hummers passed an Imperial stormtrooper squad and a Mark IV sentry droid as they approached the hangers. "There it is," Mecha said, pointing at a hanger guarded by stormtroopers.
"I don't think it's a good idea to use an Imperial shuttle?" Otaku Hentai knew the stormtroopers were Sprites, Toons that rose from a computer monitor. Like a video game console, the Death Star's computer core would constantly spawn stormtroopers until they disabled it. "Maybe we should try our luck with a F-15 ASAT," anti-satellite interceptor.
"You're not being paid to think," Mecha hissed.
'Neither are you,' Hentai didn't say.
"Just follow me." Otaku Mecha, Hentai, and Magical Girl exited the first Hummer and approached the stormtroopers from the east side; Otaku Sengoku (Warring States), Romance, and Classic exited the second Hummer and approached the west side, so they could surround them.
"What's up, my man?" Mecha greeted, imitating the loud, arrogant, and obnoxious Americans that appeared in anime. "Listen, I got to get in the hanger and check out that bird. You see, that baby needs an oil change, and we're the only ones who can do it."
The stormtrooper sergeant, who wore a white rank pauldron on his right shoulder, contacted the Death Star command center. "Maintenance is not scheduled for today. Please contact HQ," the base headquarters, where the Lucasarts liaison was, "for confirmation."
"Listen, Man, you messing with my groove, here! We got to give that bird a tune-up, Man!"
"Please contact HQ for confirmation," the sergeant repeated.
"Fine, have it your way. Go, Otaku Six!" The sentai members jumped into the air, transforming in six colorful flashes of light; they wore their costumes when they landed. The stormtroopers had enough time to shoot Romance and Classic before the other Otaku were close enough to engage in hand-to-hand combat.
"It's not fair... I want to die in the loving embrace of my Prince Charming..." Romance cried.
"B****! We're dying side-by-side in battle! This is a classic scene, although it usually occurs near the end of a movie. Isn't this romantic...? Ah!" Classic screamed when a stormtrooper shot him again, killing him.
'You deserve that,' Romance thought before she fell unconscious.
"Hai ya! Hai ya! Hai ya!" the Otaku shouted as Mecha's fists and Sengoku's katana (long sword) hit the stormtroopers, who disintegrated into neon green ones and zeroes-- their source code-- as they died. Each Otaku was stronger than three stormtroopers, but they were outnumbered five-to-one.
"I offer these men to you, Demon of Lust! Arise and f*** them in the a**!" Hentai pumped his hips up and down. A burning pentagram appeared on the hanger floor; cruel laughter filled the air as tentacles reached for...
"Eek!" Magical Girl swung her baton, shooting stars at the tentacles. "Not me, you pervert!" She pointed at the stormtroopers. "Get them!" A tentacle encircled her left leg and lifted her into the air. "Noooo!" she cried as another tentacle tore open her pink costume, exposing her underwear.
"Ha ha ha ha...!" A lightsaber was thrown like a boomerang, severing the demon's tentacles. "Ahhhh!" The demon couldn't to regenerate its tentacles; the stumps were cauterized.
"Ite!" Magical Girl cried as she fell onto the floor. The pentagram disappeared as the demon returned to hell, too injured to continue fighting.
The lightsaber returned to a gloved hand. "Identify yourselves," Lieutenant General (O9) Darth Vader, a villain of the 'Star Wars' movies who joined the USAF in 1999, demanded.
"We're the Otaku..." Mecha glanced at Classic's body. "Five! We're here to steal a shuttle so we can hijack the Death Star! If you surrender now, we'll let you crawl away with your cape between your legs!"
Vader's mask hid his smirk. "I'd like to see you try."
"Fine!" Mecha waved his arms and posed, summoning a robot dragon, tiger, and phoenix. Lightning flashed and thunder roared as the beasts combined into a giant robot, the dragon forming the body and legs, the tiger forming the arms, and the phoenix forming a stylish cape. "Go, Otakuzord! Stomp on Vader in the name of justice!" The giant robot charged, shaking the earth.
Vader smirked as rainbow lights filled his left hand. The stormtroopers took cover behind him, fearing an art too terrifying to be seen or heard in a family movie. "Dark Disco Mirror Ball!" A disco remix of the 'Star Wars' theme filled the air when the Sith Lord threw the ball lightning at the Otakuzord, blasting it to pieces; broken pieces of metal rained on the ground, justifying the terror the Dark Disco caused.
"Ahhhh!" Mecha, Sengoku, and Hentai knelt on the floor and covered their ears, trying to silence the disco music that echoed between their ears and threatened to shatter their skulls; then they fell unconscious.
Vader ignited a second lightsaber and faced Magical Girl, who shivered as she aimed her baton at him. "Surrender or face the Dark Side's power."
Magical Girl dropped her baton. "I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die..." She curled into the fetal position, too scared to face Vader.
->
Friday, October 1, 2004. Morning.
Ring, ring! "Mays, Anime Detective... What?!"
Ryo and Nene watched Andrew grab his trench coat and fedora. "What was that?" they asked simultaneously.
"The Otaku Six... Five, now... just tried to steal an Imperial shuttle."
"From which empire?"
"The Galactic Empire. Darth Vader's."
"Eek!" Nene remembered how scared she was, watching Vader lead stormtroopers in the opening scene of 'Star Wars IV: a New Hope'.
"That wimp? Why are you so worried?" Ryo added.
"Because the USAF runs a weapons lab on the Death Star. The Otaku attacked a US military facility; they could've started a war."
Ryo imagined the consequences of a nuclear attack on Anigu. "Great, now I'm worried."
"The Chief is meeting with the US military liaison; they want me to brief them. We'll probably have to find out who hired the Otaku, so cancel your appointments for the next two weeks. Nene..."
"I'll look into their bank records." Nene sat before her computer, opened the files she had on the Otaku Six, and began hacking into the banks' databases.
"Thanks. Ryo, come with me."
Ryo followed Andrew out the door. "I have a date tomorrow night." He turned to the sound of high heels click on the floor: a woman with long blood-red hair, large breasts pushing against the confines of her white blouse, and long legs reaching from her knee-length skirt to her red pumps, walked down the hallway. "Mokkoriiii!" Ryo went in a lustful frenzy, pounced on the woman, and reached under her skirt to grope her butt.
"Shrieeeek!" The woman used the Shuang Feng Guan Er (Twin Peaks Pour into Ears), one of the 49 Taijiquan (Supreme Ultimate Fist) moves she learned from a friend; her fists struck Ryo's temples, stunning him.
Ryo lost his grip; he fell, slamming his chin against the floor. "Ite!" He felt the woman grab the back of his neck and lift him off the floor; then he saw a wall fly towards him. Wham, crack, clatter!
"Damn it." Andrew ran after his partner, who was dragged into the recreation room. "Ryo, we don't have time for this!" He reached for the doorknob.
Slam! "Ahhhh!" "God have mercy!" "She's going berserk!" Andrew jumped, hanging from the ceiling like a spider to avoid being trampled as policemen stampeded out of the room.
"Hurl!" Detective Lilica Evett, a computer expert from 'Burn Up', stumbled out of the room, holding her hands over her mouth.
Andrew dropped from the ceiling, landing on his feet. "Are you okay, Lilica?" He watched her shake her head. "What happened?"
Lilica's teammates from Warrior, the Neo Tokyo Police Department's elite antiterrorist unit, calmly walked out of the room. "This is a great picture." Detective Kinezono Rio-- Warrior's hand-to-hand combat expert-- stared at her cellular phone. "We should post it on the door to the women's dressing room."
Detective Jinguu Maya-- Warrior's sniper-- nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that should teach Yuji," Sergeant Naruo Yuji, Warrior's pilot and lecher, "not to peep."
Lilica suppressed the urge to vomit. "I don't think that's a good idea," she said, shaking her head. "Eek!" she cried when the woman with blood-red hair exited the room.
Detective Anna Mason smiled. "Good morning, Andrew-kun."
The anime detective noticed daisho (long and short swords)-- whose plastic scabbards hung from a black leather belt-- at the woman's left hip. "Morning, Anna."
"How's Alise?"
"She'll be fine as long as she stays out of Mechatown," the nickname of Anigu's industrial district. "Those 'Gundam Seed' boys really set her off." Andrew's sister went into berserker rage whenever she saw a bishonen, who often cried for trivial problems, or laughed maniacally when they used their superpowers-- powers they didn't deserve.
"I wish her luck." Anna bowed to Rio and Maya. "I'm sorry for interrupting your game, Kinezono-san, Jinguu-san."
The blonde Toon smiled. "It's okay, Sword Breaker," the nickname Anna gained for her acts of police brutality. They watched Anna enter the restroom to wash red paint-- Ryo's blood-- off her sleeves.
Andrew faced the Warriors. "What did she do?" Rio showed him the cell phone screen. The photo looked like it was taken when Vlad III Dracula (Dragon's Son) was Voivode (Warlord) of Wallachia: Anna had thrust a pool stick in Ryo's butt, raised it vertically over her head, and was ready to plant the stick-- with Ryo impaled upon it-- in the floor. "Gasp!" The anime detective emptied a bottle of antacid down his throat, fighting the urge to vomit. "Why didn't you stop her?!" he demanded when this urge was under control.
"Why should we?" "He got what he deserved." "It's what you Americans call, 'poetic justice'," Rio and Maya answered.
"I'm going to... Hurl!" Lilica ran to the restroom.
Andrew sighed. "Can you help me get him down? We have business with the Chief."
"What kind of business?" Maya asked.
"Profitable business?" Rio added, dreaming of the bonus she'd earn if Warrior were deployed.
"Some otaku turned mercenaries just attacked a US Air Force base," Andrew answered.
"I heard," Maya stated. "Do you think bin Laden," leader of al-Qaida (the Base), the terrorists responsible for the Sep 11, 2001 attacks, "signed their paychecks?"
"Maybe. It's our job to find out."
"I hope so." Rio's eyes sparkled as she fantasized about the reward offered for Osama bin Laden's arrest or execution. "With $20,000,000, I can..."
Andrew ignored Rio as he entered the room.
>
Ten minutes later...
Andrew carried Ryo-- who was in the fetal position, reaching between his legs to cradle his butt-- like a suitcase; such strength was considered superhuman, but the detective often acted like the Toons he worked with. "Didn't you learn your lesson the first time you harassed Anna?"
"I did; that's why I'm wearing a Gundarium codpiece," Ryo answered.
"Sigh." Andrew dropped his partner on the floor, ignoring Ryo's cry of pain as he approached the Chief's office. He stepped in front of Ryo, shielding the Toon. "Anna, I'm sorry about what happened this morning-- Ryo won't control himself, and I cannot control Ryo. Can you...?"
Anna smiled. "Apology accepted, Andrew-kun." She knocked on the door. "Detectives Mason and Mays, reporting as ordered," she said, observing military customs and courtesies. When she graduated from high school, she joined the US Army Reserves to be a military policewoman (MP), but her medical condition prevented her from completing basic training.
"Enter," a tired voice said.
Andrew opened the door. "Ladies first." Anna smiled as she entered.
Detective Stan Tai, the Sentai Action Unit leader, was already in the office. "Morning, Andrew."
"Morning, Stan."
"Good morning, Tai-san."
"Detectives, this is Lt Jones, US military liaison to the City Council." The Chief waved at a man in a USN uniform.
Lieutenant (O3) David "Davie" Jones shook Andrew's hand. "We will sincerely appreciate any information you give us. Those bastards will pay for interfering with the production of Episode III..." He blushed. "For attacking a US military facility."
Andrew hid his surprise. 'He cares, even though Episodes I and II look as bad as the toilets in the men's restroom?' "Yes, Sir."
>
One hour later...
Stan yawned, tired from Jones' interrogation for information on the people who attacked a 'Star Wars' icon. "That was... informative," a polite way of saying, "boring". "Does the US Navy have a lab on the Death Star?"
"No, but Jones sure acts like Vader. Men like him are overgrown fan boys who dream of being a Jedi," Andrew commented.
"Sith," Stan corrected.
"Whatever."
Anna glanced at her wristwatch, which was designed for people with McKellan's Syndrome; magnetic fields spun a rotor, generating electric power for the watch. "I'm going to check the terrorist cells on the island."
"Aren't they all Toon groups?" Stan asked.
"There are some human groups, like the Vanguards of the Third Impact, or the Advocates for Human Instrumentality."
Andrew groaned. "I know them. Some people overanalyze 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'," which depicted death as a means to let human souls unite and evolve into God.
"I'm gonna check the local mecha dealerships. Later." Stan walked down the hall.
"Don't forget to share information, okay?" Andrew reminded.
"Gotcha."
"Goodbye, Andrew-kun. Tell Alise I said, 'Hi.'"
"I will." Andrew watched Anna walk away; then he lifted Ryo off the floor and carried the Toon to his office. "Find anything, Nene?" he asked when he opened the door.
She shook her head. "They made cash deposits, which are impossible to trace. We have to ask the Otaku where they got the money."
"Gotcha." Andrew turned to his partner, who was bandaging his wounds. "Ryo, put on your pants and come with me. We're gonna shake up some bank managers and see if the Otaku told them anything. Nene, get your hardsuit," robotic armor she wore in 'Bubblegum Crisis'. "We'll need it soon."
"Okay, Andy." She watched Andrew and Ryo exit the office.
>
Two hours later...
'They should've called by now.' Nene stared at her cell phone. 'Are they safe? Are they in danger? Are they...?'
Knock, knock! "Hello, Nene-chan," greeted Sgt Daily Wong, one of her costars from 'Bubblegum Crisis'.
"Hello, Daily-san. Can I help you?"
"I was going to ask for the info you have on the Otaku Six, but I see there's something more important you have to deal with." He sensed Nene's concerns. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"I'm just worried about Andy, that's all. Where's Leon?" Daily's partner in 'Bubblegum Crisis'.
"He's helping Anna-chan with our investigation."
->
Noontime.
Anna's right hand held Ouka (Cherry Blossom), her katana; her left hand gripped a young man's throat. She slammed his head against the ceiling, covering his face with plaster; he looked like a kabuki actor when Anna lowered her arm to look into his eyes. "Let me repeat the question: what did Otaku Mecha tell you about his latest job?"
"You can't... do this... to me... Police brutality..." Wham, crack! "Ite!" Kaneda Mitsuo, leader of the Vanguards of the Third Impact, felt like he had a hangover; his head spun painfully as he was lowered.
Sgt Leon McNichol leaned against a desk, watching Anna interrogate the otaku-turned-terrorist. Posters for the 'Evangelion' movies covered the apartment walls. "She can do this until you answer our questions, or until your skull cracks open. Believe me, getting your braincase cracked open will not make you one with God."
"No... Only the Third Impact..." Wham, crack! "Ite!"
"Who hired Otaku Mecha? Who paid him ¥5,000,000 in cash?" Anna demanded.
"He told me... a businessman..."
Rat-at-at-at! "Ite!" Anna cried when three bullets hit her back, tearing open her blue jacket.
Leon drew his Smith and Wesson Model 500 (12.7 mm) revolver-- whose scope and 10.5 inch (26.67 cm) barrel provided exceptional accuracy and power-- as he ducked behind the desk. He glanced at Anna, who was still standing. "Take cover!" Anna simply turned around, holding Kaneda in front of her.
"Ahhhh!" the human shield screamed when a bullet hit his abdomen; the gunman released the AK-47 7.62 mm rifle trigger to avoid causing more damage. "Sh**!" Kaneda cursed when Anna threw him, a human javelin, at the gunman.
"Argh!" Sasaki Tetsuo, a Vanguard of the Third Impact, cried when Kaneda hit his chest, slamming him against a wall. "B****!" He pushed Kaneda off his body, jumped to his feet, and aimed his rifle...
Anna threw Chouchou (Butterfly), her wakizashi (short sword), at the rifle muzzle to split the barrel in half. "You beast!"
Tetsuo dropped the useless rifle and drew a Makarov 9 mm pistol. "Ahhhh!" He dropped his pistol when the katana pierced his abdomen, pinning him to a wall like an overweight butterfly.
Kaneda reached for the Makarov. Crunch! The stainless steel heel of a woman's shoe crushed the pistol. Kaneda looked up. 'White panties!' He saw bruises on Anna's back, not bullet holes. 'Impossible!'
McKellan's Syndrome increased bone and muscular density, giving Anna the strength and endurance to survive the attack. "You deserve to be butchered like a beast!" Invisible hands lifted Chouchou off the floor, into her hand. She shook the wakizashi to throw off the AK-47, and made a shallow cut between Tetsuo's eyes.
"Ahhhh!" The otaku-turned-terrorist stared at Chouchou, the point circling in front of his face as Anna tried to control her anger.
"Be gentle with him; dead men tell no tales." Leon watched Kaneda crawl towards the door. "Freeze, or I'll use you for target practice."
"Okay, I'm freezing, I'm freezing." Kaneda put his hands over his head.
>
The Chief sighed as Leon finished his report. "Where is Detective Mason now?"
"She's seeing a doctor for her injuries," Leon answered.
"Will she also see a psychiatrist for medication to treat her anger? I'm tired of handling complaints of police brutality."
"The perp deserved that for shooting a police officer in the back," Leon protested.
"And Mister Kaneda?"
"If someone tried to kill you and everyone you know, claiming this was for the greater good, would you let him?"
"He didn't commit any violent crimes."
"Kaneda's computer has files on NBC," nuclear, biological, and chemical, "weapons, and blueprints for a hybrid which can duplicate the Third Impact depicted in 'The End of Evangelion'." 'That otaku-turned-terrorist doesn't have the brains to design and build a successful weapon, but...' "We're lucky to get him before he succeeded."
"Sigh." 'My job was much easier during the Cold War, when people knew they'd be nuked if they didn't restrain themselves.' "Dismissed."
Nene and Daily greeted Leon when he exited the Chief's office. "Leon-chan, have you seen Andy or Ryo?"
"Don't call me that!" Leon growled, making Nene whimper.
Daily smiled to disarm his partner. "Calm down, Leon. Just give a yes or no answer."
"Sigh... Not since this morning," Leon answered. "Have you tried calling them?"
"Of course! I even tried remotely activating their cell phones so I can triangulate their location, but it didn't work!"
"Hum. I better tell Mason about this. Maybe she can help."
"Detective Anna Mason, alias Sword Breaker? Why her?"
"No one can make a perp sh** in his pants faster than her."
>
Anna lied facedown on the table; bar magnets, which stimulated her pressure points to accelerate her recovery, rose vertically from her bare back like a porcupine's quills. "Tell me about your new boyfriend."
Doctor Hayashi Aoka, an acupuncture and herbal medicines specialist, hid her surprise. "What makes you think I have a new lover?"
"We've known each other for ten years." The Mason family had trusted the doctor since Anna was a child. "We can sense each other's emotions, like the scent of flowers." She smiled. "What's he like?"
Aoka smiled as her hand gently brushed Anna's hair. "The One I Love has silky hair that flows between my fingers like water from a fountain. The One I Love has eyes as deep as the sea; I drown in their passion whenever I look into those eyes. The One I Love touches me with the warmth of the rising sun whenever we're together."
"Sounds like true love. I envy you for finding someone worthy of a love poem."
"I thought you found someone?"
"What do you mean?"
Aoka's smile became mischievous. "I know you recently made love."
Anna blushed, her face as red as her hair. "Kyo," the berserker who killed a thousand men in 'Samurai Deeper Kyo', "and I didn't fall in love. We were drunk and trying to claim the last bottle of sake. We were possessed by bloodlust when we dueled for the bottle and to determine who was Strongest; then bloodlust became lust."
Aoka wasn't surprised that Anna spent a night with a Toon; such relationships were common in Anigu. She was surprised that Anna was drinking. "I thought you dislike the taste of alcohol?"
"I went to a restaurant to meet the Shan Chu," Mountain Lord, a triad (Chinese secret society) boss, "for info on a terrorism suspect. She insisted that I drink with her; to refuse would be to insult her."
Aoka knew Anna's "self-defense" against the Oyabun allowed the triad to take over businesses the yakuza once dominated. 'Brigitte,' the Shan Chu, who attended medical school with Aoka, 'must respect-- or fear-- Anna to personally meet her.' "And Kyo? Do you like him?"
"We're too alike to deny our instincts," which Toons shared with their human creators.
'I know all to well,' Aoka thought, remembering her first love and the risks she took to be with her lover.
Ring-a-ling! The receptionist approached the door. "Aoka-sensei, a police officer wants to see Anna-sama."
"Sigh. I must continue fighting the War on Terror." Anna waited for Aoka to remove the magnets, before she stood up and stretched. "Ahhhh! I feel better now." She took the jacket and blouse Aoka lend her. "Thank you, Aoka-sensei. I'll return the clothes tomorrow."
"Take care of yourself, Anna-chan." The doctor suppressed a sigh as Anna got dressed, covering her beautiful body.
->
Thursday, Sep 30, 2004. Evening.
"And if we lose our will, we lose. But if we remain strong and resolute, we will defeat this enemy," George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, finished.
"90 second response, Senator Kerry," the debate referee announced.
Senator John F. Kerry, Democratic presidential nominee, began his rebuttal to Bush's remarks. "This president has made, I regret to say, a colossal error of judgment. And judgment is what we look for in the president of the United States of America.
"I'm proud that important military figures who are supporting me in this race... I sucked their cocks..." Kerry froze. 'What the...?' "Important military figures who are supporting me in this race-- former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, John Shalikashvili; just yesterday, General Eisenhower's son, Gen John Eisenhower, endorsed me; General Admiral William Crown; Gen Tony McBeak,"-- he mispronounced McPeak's name-- "who ran the Air Force war so effectively for his father-- all f***ed me in the a**..." He turned to his opponent. "Stop that!"
"Stop what?" Bush asked.
"Stop f***ing with my mind!"
"What do you mean?"
"I know Darth Invader's taught you how to use the Force! I know you're making me say things!"
"What things?"
"That John Shalikashvili f***ed me in the a**!"
"Did he?"
"Yes, and I liked it!" Kerry's face was red with anger. "I mean no!"
Bush leaned over his podium. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" He shook, unable to suppress his laughter.
"Stop that! Stop laughing at me!" Kerry extended his arms to strangle his opponent. The debaters ran around like children playing tag; the stage became a playground.
"Gentlemen, behave yourselves!" the referee protested. Four men chased Kerry for ten minutes, trying to stop the Democratic presidential nominee, before order was restored.
>
One hour later...
"Thank you and good night." 'Good riddance,' the referee didn't say.
Bush saw Vader standing with his campaign staff, and approached his chief antiterrorism expert. "Deevee!" the nickname he gave Vader. "Thanks for the tip!" he said, smiling.
"There are more... conservative... ways to discredit Kerry," Vader deadpanned. "You could've made him say, 'Viva la France!'"
"Yeah, but my way is more fun. Have you found out who tried to hijack the Death Star?"
"The Animegamigu Police Department has a lead."
"Animegamigu... Isn't that in Japan?"
Vader nodded. "I'm leaving tonight, so I can personally retrieve the information from the Police Chief. The terrorists will pay for this," he swore, raising a fist.
"Well, good luck, Deevee!"
