A Crossover Too Far, continued!
Posted: 2002-12-03 02:30am
Check the WTF Fics at the archive for the rest...
Outer Solar System.
The 45th Flying Tigers raced back towards the Yamato after their sneak attack in the stolen Kamov bombers. Weaving about in the ponderous vessels to avoid the defense satellite blasts they engage afterburners in an effort to get their quicker. "Sweet and sour baby Jesus on hokkien noodles! What the hell is that!" Ship after ship explodes.
"I don't know it looks like a -"
"A what!"
"A crash to desktop!"
"Huh! Haven't we patched!"
"We're a microsoft product, we don't get patched!"
"We don't have a chance!"
And then that particular universe was deleted from my HDD.
A certain Jungle World.
Kirk wandered back and forth in the small clearing, the massive commandos forming an inpenetrable wall of testosterone around the slaughtered away team members.
"He's dead Jim."
"Nooo sheeeeiiit." Says the commando with the ridiculous accent.
"What . . . has been killing . . . these . . . men?"
"I dawn't knooow. Baaut eet ees aooout dere."
"We have . . . to . . . kill it . . . We . . . have to . . . avenge these . . . men."
"Sir, I should point out that this being is clearly adapted to life in such a jungle environment and as such any hunting of it in such an environment is clearly illogical and will only lead to further casualties."
"Damnit Spock . . . don't . . . undermine my . . . authority."
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"Yes . . . yes, you've . . . said that . . . before."
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"Look . . . are you a . . . complete . . . moron?"
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"I believe he's lost his page in the script sir."
"How can a . . . man lose . . . his place in . . . a script?"
"Perhaps his brain is of such low function that he can only speak a few words of, I think its english."
"Perhaps Bones . . . but, that . . . makes . . . little sense . . . How can . . . a person . . . survive with . . . such a . . . tiny mind?
"Berman and Bragga lasted quite a while sir?"
Onboard Home1.
Leia stood in the briefing chamber, awaiting the arrival of the straggling commanders and pilots. Slowly the amphitheatre style seats filled with people. Leia dims the lights and activates the holographic projector. "Soldiers of the alliance, we now face our greatest threat. A new force more dangerous than the Death Star, more evil than the Emperor himself. This threat could destroy the galaxy as we know it in barely 120 minutes." She pauses long enough to trigger a new image on the projector. The room stops. Just stops as everyone stares at the holograph in a confused manner. Several mouths hang open. Heads sit at that angle that just screams: WTF? A single hand is raised. "Yes Lieutenant?"
"Just who the hell are those two?"
"Jake and Elwood Blues."
Earth, New York City in fact.
"So there have been aliens on earth since the fifties?" Mulder asks in between bites from his hot dog.
"Well, that's when they officially arrived, but they've been hanging around for much longer than that."
"So what about the conspiracy?"
"Those old coots? They just sit around and think that they run the place. A couple of years ago me and J here neuralised them all as a joke, then made them think that they were chickens. Of course Z made us turn them back."
"Aliens on earth, refugees you say. It all sounds a little far fetched." Scully looks over at J who appears to be interrogating a flower sticking up from a subway grating, "Is he OK?"
"J? Oh, he's fine as long as Jeff doesn't get angry with him." The flower disappears and J walks back over to the rest of them.
"Just making sure Jeff understands his new living arrangements. Apparently he nudged the Brooklyn B train this morning, so I thought I best have a word."
"Jeff is a flower?"
"No, Jeff is, well, Jeff. Best if you meet him yourself. Just make sure he's already eaten for the day. Anyhow, your goddamn investigations were constantly compromising us. You know how many families we had to relocate after that goddamn debacle with the alien resistance?"
"No . . ."
"Suffice to say it was a lot. Now, we have a bit of a dilemma, you two know our most intimate secrets. You now know the truth about aliens on earth. So we either have to kill, imprison or neuralise you."
"You could recruit us."
"Recruit you two? Damn, I never thought of that."
The streets of Sydney.
"Its an Agent - RUN!" The group scatters into the crowds, each running for their lives. The men in suits chasing after them with inhuman speed. Neo reaches a door and kicks it in desperately trying to make it to an exit. "Take the next left, and it's the third door on your right!" Neo charges down the hallway and opens the door. A figure dressed in a ridiculously over the top drag queen outfit raises a Desert Eagle and fires. Neo is thrown back by the impact, hitting the wall opposite the door and slumping down the wall leaving a bloody trail. Two other agents step into the room and look at agent Smith, "What are you wearing?"
"You don't like it sweetie? Damnit. I paid $100 for these shoes."
"Its not *just* the shoes."
"Oh damn, am I clashing colours again?"
"Well, the mascara certainly is clashing with the fake nails."
"Shit, look, give me 15 minutes and I'll change."
"But the others?"
"We got the one they needed. Now, I can't go out looking like this. Urgh! Clashing mascara and nails!" Agent Smith shrieks as he slams the door in the face of the other two agents who stand there, looking completely stunned.
----
Don't get that last crossover? Find yourself a copy of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
Outer Solar System.
The 45th Flying Tigers raced back towards the Yamato after their sneak attack in the stolen Kamov bombers. Weaving about in the ponderous vessels to avoid the defense satellite blasts they engage afterburners in an effort to get their quicker. "Sweet and sour baby Jesus on hokkien noodles! What the hell is that!" Ship after ship explodes.
"I don't know it looks like a -"
"A what!"
"A crash to desktop!"
"Huh! Haven't we patched!"
"We're a microsoft product, we don't get patched!"
"We don't have a chance!"
And then that particular universe was deleted from my HDD.
A certain Jungle World.
Kirk wandered back and forth in the small clearing, the massive commandos forming an inpenetrable wall of testosterone around the slaughtered away team members.
"He's dead Jim."
"Nooo sheeeeiiit." Says the commando with the ridiculous accent.
"What . . . has been killing . . . these . . . men?"
"I dawn't knooow. Baaut eet ees aooout dere."
"We have . . . to . . . kill it . . . We . . . have to . . . avenge these . . . men."
"Sir, I should point out that this being is clearly adapted to life in such a jungle environment and as such any hunting of it in such an environment is clearly illogical and will only lead to further casualties."
"Damnit Spock . . . don't . . . undermine my . . . authority."
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"Yes . . . yes, you've . . . said that . . . before."
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"Look . . . are you a . . . complete . . . moron?"
"Iv it bleeeds ve can keeel eet."
"I believe he's lost his page in the script sir."
"How can a . . . man lose . . . his place in . . . a script?"
"Perhaps his brain is of such low function that he can only speak a few words of, I think its english."
"Perhaps Bones . . . but, that . . . makes . . . little sense . . . How can . . . a person . . . survive with . . . such a . . . tiny mind?
"Berman and Bragga lasted quite a while sir?"
Onboard Home1.
Leia stood in the briefing chamber, awaiting the arrival of the straggling commanders and pilots. Slowly the amphitheatre style seats filled with people. Leia dims the lights and activates the holographic projector. "Soldiers of the alliance, we now face our greatest threat. A new force more dangerous than the Death Star, more evil than the Emperor himself. This threat could destroy the galaxy as we know it in barely 120 minutes." She pauses long enough to trigger a new image on the projector. The room stops. Just stops as everyone stares at the holograph in a confused manner. Several mouths hang open. Heads sit at that angle that just screams: WTF? A single hand is raised. "Yes Lieutenant?"
"Just who the hell are those two?"
"Jake and Elwood Blues."
Earth, New York City in fact.
"So there have been aliens on earth since the fifties?" Mulder asks in between bites from his hot dog.
"Well, that's when they officially arrived, but they've been hanging around for much longer than that."
"So what about the conspiracy?"
"Those old coots? They just sit around and think that they run the place. A couple of years ago me and J here neuralised them all as a joke, then made them think that they were chickens. Of course Z made us turn them back."
"Aliens on earth, refugees you say. It all sounds a little far fetched." Scully looks over at J who appears to be interrogating a flower sticking up from a subway grating, "Is he OK?"
"J? Oh, he's fine as long as Jeff doesn't get angry with him." The flower disappears and J walks back over to the rest of them.
"Just making sure Jeff understands his new living arrangements. Apparently he nudged the Brooklyn B train this morning, so I thought I best have a word."
"Jeff is a flower?"
"No, Jeff is, well, Jeff. Best if you meet him yourself. Just make sure he's already eaten for the day. Anyhow, your goddamn investigations were constantly compromising us. You know how many families we had to relocate after that goddamn debacle with the alien resistance?"
"No . . ."
"Suffice to say it was a lot. Now, we have a bit of a dilemma, you two know our most intimate secrets. You now know the truth about aliens on earth. So we either have to kill, imprison or neuralise you."
"You could recruit us."
"Recruit you two? Damn, I never thought of that."
The streets of Sydney.
"Its an Agent - RUN!" The group scatters into the crowds, each running for their lives. The men in suits chasing after them with inhuman speed. Neo reaches a door and kicks it in desperately trying to make it to an exit. "Take the next left, and it's the third door on your right!" Neo charges down the hallway and opens the door. A figure dressed in a ridiculously over the top drag queen outfit raises a Desert Eagle and fires. Neo is thrown back by the impact, hitting the wall opposite the door and slumping down the wall leaving a bloody trail. Two other agents step into the room and look at agent Smith, "What are you wearing?"
"You don't like it sweetie? Damnit. I paid $100 for these shoes."
"Its not *just* the shoes."
"Oh damn, am I clashing colours again?"
"Well, the mascara certainly is clashing with the fake nails."
"Shit, look, give me 15 minutes and I'll change."
"But the others?"
"We got the one they needed. Now, I can't go out looking like this. Urgh! Clashing mascara and nails!" Agent Smith shrieks as he slams the door in the face of the other two agents who stand there, looking completely stunned.
----
Don't get that last crossover? Find yourself a copy of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
