need some opinions on something :D

[Jason von Evil]

I wrote this several months ago with some help, it was going to be the first chapter of this multi chapter story based on StarCraft. The story was set about five years after Brood War and is about a massive Zerg invasion of the UED. I never did get past this chapter though (other than a few times when I started to type in wordpad, but gave up).

He held the ceramic cup close to his nose with a firm index dinger, smelling the aroma of the coffee within; it had a pungent, wafting ability to both sting and soothe his nostrils that only good, authentic coffee possesed. Grown, cultivated and manufactured in Alpha Centauri, Captain Manuel Salvador never drank anything but the most pure and authentic grinds. Alpha Centauri blend was just that; he gobbled the stuff down despite the the fact any more than a few cups a day hardlined one's account and free coffee was offered at several locations on the ship. Battery acid, that synth stuff, he thought, reminding himself of the first and only time he had tried the UED house synthetic blend - and promptly spat on the floor. You'd have to pay me to drink that shit.
Feeling the warm liquid stir his gut in the comforting way only three-hundred-credit-per-sip coffee could, Manuel lowered the enamled cup rim from his moist lips and stared at the display vid ahead of him. It would take more than one sip of coffee to adjust his bleary brown eyes to the standard bridge lighting, however; even at several arms length the sharp display seemed to burn holes right through to his temples. This was another long tedius border patrol.
He was soon brought out of his stupor by blaring klaxxons, he looked over to his right, at the young twenty-six year old Lieutenant Eric Johnson.

"Report! What's going on?" Manuel shouted to the red haired man.

"Sir, we've got a number of unidentified objects heading our way in a possible attack vector."

"Comets?"

"No sir, the sensors are detecting life signs from the objects. Wait, this can't be right."

"What can't be right Lieutenant?"

"According to the sensors, those objects ARE the lifeforms!"

Manuels opened his mouth to say something when Johnson shouted "Incoming!" and then the Alexander shook violently, tossing a several crew members to the ground, including the Captain.

"What the hell just happened!?" Shouted Manuel, picking himself off the ground and looking at the Lieutenant and then the screen.

"Sir, something struck the hull and exploded. We've got a hull breach on deck two, activating the blast doors on that deck."

"Sir, we've those objects are coming on an attack vector!" Shouted Johnson, staring at his screen, eyes widening. "Fifty small objects and about twenty-five to thirty large objects!"

"Battlestations!" Yelled Manuel, as he stepped back and sat back down in his chair. "Helm, evasive maneuvers, keep some distance between us and them, and someone turn off that fucking noise!"

"Aye aye, Captain" Said the helm officer and the operations officer in unison.

The Titan class battlecruiser slowly strafed to the right, the thrusters lining its left side lighting up in a bright orange color, as they pushed the three hundred ninety-five feet long, two hundred feet wide away from the incoming assault of the stark white Scourge. The Zerg circled the battlecruiser, just barely staying in weapons range.

"What the fucks going on?" Shouted Private Jackson Brown as he and the other ship gunners rushed to their stations.

"We're under attack, that's whats going on! Now move it!" Answered Gunner Sargent Alex Dohan as he sat down in the chair of his gun turrent.
As each gunner took their place, they strapped themselves in and pressed a button, activating the holographic targeting system. Each turrent slowly turned, following the circling Zerg, attempting to keep a lock on them. Suddenly, ten Scourge flew in to attack the left side of the ship. As they did, the gunners locked on and opened fire, blanketing the Scourge with laser fire. Despite the weapons fire, three of the white bombs managed to survive long enough to slam against the armored hull of the ship, ripping a moderate hole in it's side.

"What the fuck are those things?" cursed one of the forward gunners while retargeting and firing at a Mutalisk that flew too close.

"No clue, but those white things are going to kamikazi." Answered Dohan as he cut a scourge in half.

The battle against the Scourge carried on for thirty minutes, which seemed to go on forever. Then, after half the white deathbombs were wiped out, the twisted winged beasts called Mutalisks began to leave the living circle they had formed and attack the embattled warship from all sides. They, unlike their blind cousins, attempted to avoid the pulse laser fire and not hit the ship. They spat out their grooved wyrms, which cut into the damaged hull of the ship and sometimes bouncing off it.

"Status?" Asked Manuel, wiping his brown forehead with the back of his right hand. His short black hair, switch he normally kept combed neatly was a mess, as he had been tossed to the ground more than once when the scourge slammed into the ship.

"We're getting hit pretty bad sir, we've got multiple hull breaches. Those winged things have just started their attack and are...spitting some sort of bladed object at us." Reported Johnson, who had blood trickling down his forehead from a gash.

"So, we're screwed?"

"Pretty much."

"Lovely."

[Kelly Antilles]

Ok, number one. Before I read anything, I think you should put space between paragraphs. Lack of space = very hard to read.

[Jason von Evil]

Sorry, when I pasted it to the window, it lost it's spaceness or something. @.@

[Lord Sauron-Tyranus-Vader]

I'm a big SC fan anf have always wanted to see a good fanfic.
Nice job and keep it up.

[Kuja]

It looks nice.

[Jason von Evil]

Thanks, one of the main characters was going to be the son of Dugalle, who joined the UED marine corp instead of fleet, like his dad. It's funny though, I keep giving up on this story, but it keeps returning to me, lol.

[FaxModem1]

I like it, but doesn't the UED already know about the Zerg?

In the Terran film sequence in Brood war, its a News Broadcast TO earth, wouldn't they know of this menace and prepare?

[Jason von Evil]

Yes, but it's the first time the Zerg have every appeared in their sector of space and not everyone knows what a Zerg looks like. Anyways, they're only attacked by a small group of Zerg that are scouting around. Oh and I was planning on recreating the UED, tech wise from the ground up.