Under the Coffeetable and Dreaming...
Posted: 2005-08-03 06:33pm
So there I was, walking down the street minding my own buisness when this midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilfurd Brimley all jump out of a bush. The look in there eyes told me that they either hadn't slept for several days or they were in the throes of some sort of mind blowing religious experience. Kinda creepy, but such is life. Never know when a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilfurd Brimley might ambush you in mid-minding-of-your-own-buisness along a deserted road five miles southeast of the middle of no where.
See, people, this can happen more often then you'd suspect. If the general population had any idea about just how likely they were to have a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilfurd Brimley leap out of near by shrubbery they'd collectively shit themselves so hard that the aliens monitoring our brain waves would be able to detect the smell from their secret moon lair without any instruments. Sometimes it's not exactly a midget, a guy in a pand suit, and Wilford Brimley. Occassionaly it might be a talking bear, the kid from the local McDonalds in a panda suit, and Wilford Brimley. I hear that sometimes when Mr. Brimley is busy doing a Quarker Oats commercial that Donald Sutherland fills in for him.
Fucking creepy idea right there....
Anyways, Mr. Brimley was the obvious leader of this motley crew of this deranged imainings. Or was he... The midget was pretty shiftly looking. I've got my inner eye on you, wee man...
"Random Dude, we seek your help in ridding the world of an evil that seeks to enslave all man kind," Mr. Brimley thundered with a voice that would make Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris both stop fighting and ask 'what the fuck was that' before continuing their enternal struggle that, unbeknownst to science, was the true reason for why the sun burned in the sky (And they thought it was some silly nonsense called "fusion"... Those wacky scientist types...).
"Uh, sure thing, Mr. Brimley. But what I do to assist your awesome force of a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and yourself" I said. I mean, this was Wilfurd Brimley, if you can't trust him then who can you trust?
"The name's Wilford, son, but you can call me Wilf," he said. Man, the folks back home would be pleased as rain that I was blessed enough that Mr. Brimley said I could call him 'Wilf'. Or would they be right as punch... Damned metaphors... DAMN YOUS! "Son, we seek to destroy the plague of stupid that lurks deep in the deepest, darkest, recesses of the Human Race. We need you to help us destroy Hollywood before the Great Moving Pictures Conspiracy can complete THE STUPIDEST FILM EVER MADE!"
"But did they already let Uwe Bolle make two movies, Mr. Bri... er, Wilf? I mean, if those two turds weren't the dumbest things ever made then I'm not some random dude that just got charged with a sacred mission to save the human race by a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilford Brimley," I asked the mighty Wilf.
"No, son, those were but a glimpse of what is to come," Wilf replied.
"That bad, huh..."
"Worse."
"Worse then Gigli?"
"If made this film will result in a force of stupid equal to a billion Giglis," he said solemnly.
Wow... a GigaGigli level film. See, that's bad, because unlike what those palientologists think, it wasn't a big space rock that killed the dinosuars. It was actually the famed rock band KISS doing another one of their cocain and groupie induced time traveling adventures. See, Gene thought it would be a good idea to try and hold a concert for the T-Rex. But Gene didn't know that when they traveled back to the land before time that the transition would cause an unstable quantum-posi-whatsitz charge to build up deep in his bass amp, resulting in his first E note to release more energy then a billion Giglis. This was not good.
"I will help you on your noble quest, Wilf," I said. The midget smiled that shifty smile of his while the guy in a panda suit starded clapping his oversized paws together with a fapping noise.
We piled into the WilfMobile and set off on our adventures...
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
"Come on... Five more minutes, mom... The school buss ain't here for another hour," I mumbled, cracking one eye open slightly to see Dizzy standing over me. Well, not dirrectly over me. More off to the side. See, last night a few of the Pantheon came by and they brough some beer and then Jesus shows up and turns all the water in my aparment complex's swimming pool into high test shine...
Hell of a party. And that's how I came to notice that I was under my coffee table in the living room. And why my head felt like the rock band KISS was holding a concert for the T-Rex deep inside my brain.
"Wake up, you lazy ass," Dizzy said, giving me a sharp kick to the ribs. "You've got another chapter to write before people forget we exist anymore!"
COMMING SOON... THE RETURN OF SON OF THE BRIDE OF THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF DON WAN TU!
Nope, I ain't forgot, people. Just took me a while to find my funny again.
BTW... Was this any good at all?
See, people, this can happen more often then you'd suspect. If the general population had any idea about just how likely they were to have a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilfurd Brimley leap out of near by shrubbery they'd collectively shit themselves so hard that the aliens monitoring our brain waves would be able to detect the smell from their secret moon lair without any instruments. Sometimes it's not exactly a midget, a guy in a pand suit, and Wilford Brimley. Occassionaly it might be a talking bear, the kid from the local McDonalds in a panda suit, and Wilford Brimley. I hear that sometimes when Mr. Brimley is busy doing a Quarker Oats commercial that Donald Sutherland fills in for him.
Fucking creepy idea right there....
Anyways, Mr. Brimley was the obvious leader of this motley crew of this deranged imainings. Or was he... The midget was pretty shiftly looking. I've got my inner eye on you, wee man...
"Random Dude, we seek your help in ridding the world of an evil that seeks to enslave all man kind," Mr. Brimley thundered with a voice that would make Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris both stop fighting and ask 'what the fuck was that' before continuing their enternal struggle that, unbeknownst to science, was the true reason for why the sun burned in the sky (And they thought it was some silly nonsense called "fusion"... Those wacky scientist types...).
"Uh, sure thing, Mr. Brimley. But what I do to assist your awesome force of a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and yourself" I said. I mean, this was Wilfurd Brimley, if you can't trust him then who can you trust?
"The name's Wilford, son, but you can call me Wilf," he said. Man, the folks back home would be pleased as rain that I was blessed enough that Mr. Brimley said I could call him 'Wilf'. Or would they be right as punch... Damned metaphors... DAMN YOUS! "Son, we seek to destroy the plague of stupid that lurks deep in the deepest, darkest, recesses of the Human Race. We need you to help us destroy Hollywood before the Great Moving Pictures Conspiracy can complete THE STUPIDEST FILM EVER MADE!"
"But did they already let Uwe Bolle make two movies, Mr. Bri... er, Wilf? I mean, if those two turds weren't the dumbest things ever made then I'm not some random dude that just got charged with a sacred mission to save the human race by a midget, a guy in a panda suit, and Wilford Brimley," I asked the mighty Wilf.
"No, son, those were but a glimpse of what is to come," Wilf replied.
"That bad, huh..."
"Worse."
"Worse then Gigli?"
"If made this film will result in a force of stupid equal to a billion Giglis," he said solemnly.
Wow... a GigaGigli level film. See, that's bad, because unlike what those palientologists think, it wasn't a big space rock that killed the dinosuars. It was actually the famed rock band KISS doing another one of their cocain and groupie induced time traveling adventures. See, Gene thought it would be a good idea to try and hold a concert for the T-Rex. But Gene didn't know that when they traveled back to the land before time that the transition would cause an unstable quantum-posi-whatsitz charge to build up deep in his bass amp, resulting in his first E note to release more energy then a billion Giglis. This was not good.
"I will help you on your noble quest, Wilf," I said. The midget smiled that shifty smile of his while the guy in a panda suit starded clapping his oversized paws together with a fapping noise.
We piled into the WilfMobile and set off on our adventures...
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
"Come on... Five more minutes, mom... The school buss ain't here for another hour," I mumbled, cracking one eye open slightly to see Dizzy standing over me. Well, not dirrectly over me. More off to the side. See, last night a few of the Pantheon came by and they brough some beer and then Jesus shows up and turns all the water in my aparment complex's swimming pool into high test shine...
Hell of a party. And that's how I came to notice that I was under my coffee table in the living room. And why my head felt like the rock band KISS was holding a concert for the T-Rex deep inside my brain.
"Wake up, you lazy ass," Dizzy said, giving me a sharp kick to the ribs. "You've got another chapter to write before people forget we exist anymore!"
COMMING SOON... THE RETURN OF SON OF THE BRIDE OF THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF DON WAN TU!
Nope, I ain't forgot, people. Just took me a while to find my funny again.
BTW... Was this any good at all?