StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Hey there.

Im writing a fanfic i have had in my mind all day, and i need advice.and in order to get your advice, i need to tell you my basic plot conception so far.

Ok, it will take place during the time in which the Klingons and Federation have just begun a very uneasy alliance. The main character will be a overworked highly dedicated starship captain by the name of Zach Aries. In the fanfic, while trying to relax, he will accidentally uncover a plot to sabotage relations between two races,one of them happens to be the humans.

Another main character will be Lieutenant K'trok Ch'pok, a relatively young but extremely strong-willed warrior in the Klingon empire who happens to have good connections and strong allies.

The fanfic will take place in the former Klingon neutral zone, and vulcan and romulan space.

EDIT:The year of the fanfic in question will be in 2294.

Wrong forum.

Lemme guess. Testing right? I KNEW IT!
Lol. My bad. Some mod will probably move it.

scififanoftheearth wrote:Lemme guess. Testing right? I KNEW IT!
Lol. My bad. Some mod will probably move it.

No. Fanfics. This is AMP.

Generally you would place it in the Fanfiction forum.

I thought i posted it there ?

Wow am i tired. Good night!

Moved.

So is it ok to assume this is the place to go to get basic ideas and help?
I hope so.
Anyways back to the main thing.

Im not at liberty tp repeat my first post, but do you have any ideas to improve the plot and maybe spice it up?

Like I said in the first thread that you actually did post in Fanfics, Writer's Guild usergroup is focused on this sort of thing.

Ok.
Ill post in the writers guild for advice. But for now...The first chapter!Keep in mind this is just a rough draft, ill add character descriptions in the rewrite.

Balance of Power
by Brandon Peterson
Chapter 1:A sour deal
CAPTAIN ZACH ARIES groggily watched the viewscreen of the USS Socialite.He had been given command of this starship just 8 months ago, and already he had been run ragged.It had been just one year since the flagship had been decomissioned, and the khitomer accords had been signed.Ever since the Klingon Empire and The Federation had finally made peace, things had relatively calmed down.Klingon Blood Wine had started to appear more frequently on the black market, not that it mattered though. That stuff can taste damned good in small doses. Too bad Zach had never been drunk before.

"Captain, incoming transmission from the IKS kro'po'lu.", said Kira Fargus,The helm officer.She had been transfered two weeks ago, but had already had the routine down to a Tee.She was not new to taking orders.
"Wh-at?oh. On sc-sc, damnit open a channel."The First officer, an andorian, Seeing clearly that the captain was in no shape for command, quietly relieved him from duty just before the Klingon Captain's face appeared on screen."Greetings Socialite.This is Captain Ko'loth P'at of the Klingon defence force.We couldn't help but notice your shipment of Klingon Blood Wine aboard your ship. I am willing to offer 3.1 of your earth pounds of our finest targ meat in exchange for every bottle of wine.What do you say, human?", he scowled.The First officer considered the deal. One plus side would be that the captain wouldn't be as wasted as much, but one downside would be that Targ meat is generally stringy,tough,and distasteful.Oh well. Nothing a little Steak Sauce couldn't fix.Hehe.

"Deal, but on one condition,"he stated."We don't trade you all of our blood wine.We need some to help boost morale.""AHAHHAHAHA!DEAL!BEGIN TRANSPORT."Immediatley, about 50 pounds of targ meat appeared on the bridge.The first officer stared at the meat distastefuly.He looked at his crew, with their eyes the size of Andorian wildabests, and said,"Don't just stand there!Get a mop!"

scififanoftheearth wrote:Wow am i tired. Good night!

Stop spamming, kiddo.

Sorry about that.Didn't realize it was spam.
Anywayz, watcha think so far?

Couple of things...

1. Work on spacing out the dialog a little for ease of reading. That shit there hurts my eyes. What I mean is instead of..

"Deal, but on one condition,"he stated."We don't trade you all of our blood wine.We need some to help boost morale.""AHAHHAHAHA!DEAL!BEGIN TRANSPORT."Immediatley, about 50 pounds of targ meat appeared on the bridge.The first officer stared at the meat distastefuly.He looked at his crew, with their eyes the size of Andorian wildabests, and said,"Don't just stand there!Get a mop!"

Try

"Deal, but on one condition,"he stated."We don't trade you all of our blood wine.We need some to help boost morale."

"AHAHHAHAHA! DEAL! Begin transport."Immediatley, about 50 pounds of targ meat appeared on the bridge.The first officer stared at the meat distastefuly.

He looked at his crew, with their eyes the size of Andorian wildabests, and said,"Don't just stand there!Get a mop!"

2. Work on how you structure your dialoge. I had a hard time figuring out who was saying what.

3. Use the spelling and grammer checking function of your PC's word processing program, that's why it's there.

2. Sit down and actually write a chapter before you post it. That was shorter then story teaser on the back cover of most paperback novels, man.


Other then that... Um, what is supposted to be happening here? And why are people transporting raw meat onto the bridge instead of some sort of storage area?

Look i know it has it flaws. Its a rough draft. And that was supposed to be a teaser. I plan i trashing the entire first chapter.

Second....I had the klingons transport the meat onto the bridge for comedic value. What good is star trek without a little humor?

Thirdly, i cant use my grammar check. I dont have word. I used notepad.
And, i know its fairly cheap, but not for a thirteen year old. Thats about 3 years worth of work right there to me.

Fourthly, i dont actually think ill be writing the main story for another month or so. I need more time to think out my characters,plot conception, and i have tons of research ahead of me, as this will be as cannon as possible. The only two characters i will be keeping are the captain and the klingon captain mentioned in the first post.

Fifthly, i just posted this to get a basic idea on the areas of writing to improve. I didn't just post it because im bored.i really need some advice. Lol, shoulda posted somewhere else....

scififanoftheearth wrote:Look i know it has it flaws. Its a rough draft. And that was supposed to be a teaser. I plan i trashing the entire first chapter.

You asked for advice, jackass. What the fuck did you expect, for him to say you're a literary genius and it needs no work at all? Grow up.

Keep this shit up and you won't be able to ask for advice here anymore.

First off, i didn't say:
Piss off wanker.Im the best damn writer in exsistence and anyone who doesn't think so is a raving cocktard and a troll.

If i did, sorry.
Anyways, thanks for the advice to the guy to posts back.

Sorry mr coffee. Lost my manners for a second.
What was supposed to be happening was just for comedic values. I love to write comedy, and love hearing it. I didn't mean to be rude by saying what i did. As for being the first person to offer advice, thanks again. Ill keep all of what you said in mind, and go out and buy a fucking word program.

scififanoftheearth wrote:First off, i didn't say:
Piss off wanker.Im the best damn writer in exsistence and anyone who doesn't think so is a raving cocktard and a troll.

If i did, sorry.
Anyways, thanks for the advice to the guy to posts back.

Oh hooray, I just love when a super moderator gets the rolling-eye emoticon!

When someone takes the time to offer you advice, don't spout back about how you know it sucks, you're not going to use it anyway, etc. That person is doing you a favour. Say thank you and actually think about their suggestions before you open your mouth, ok?

What you call a "chapter" most people call a "paragraph" That sticks out more in my head even more than the lousy punctuation. Also, don't bullshit us by posting what you call a chapter and then deflecting all the criticism by calling it a rough draft. If it's a draft, say so to begin with.

scififanoftheearth wrote:First off, i didn't say:
Piss off wanker.Im the best damn writer in exsistence and anyone who doesn't think so is a raving cocktard and a troll.

If i did, sorry.

How old are you?

Zaia wrote:

scififanoftheearth wrote:First off, i didn't say:
Piss off wanker.Im the best damn writer in exsistence and anyone who doesn't think so is a raving cocktard and a troll.

If i did, sorry.
Anyways, thanks for the advice to the guy to posts back.

Oh hooray, I just love when a super moderator gets the rolling-eye emoticon!

When someone takes the time to offer you advice, don't spout back about how you know it sucks, you're not going to use it anyway, etc. That person is doing you a favour. Say thank you and actually think about their suggestions before you open your mouth, ok?

Ok. I am not very good at accepting constructive criticsim, and i need to work on that. Besides. I don't think before i say and end up being an asshole when i don't.

darth fanboy wrote:What you call a "chapter" most people call a "paragraph" That sticks out more in my head even more than the lousy punctuation. Also, don't bullshit us by posting what you call a chapter and then deflecting all the criticism by calling it a rough draft. If it's a draft, say so to begin with.

Alright. I need to edit in the first post by saying its a rough draft, or a taste or whatever, or just sit in my own shit .

dalton wrote:
How old are you?

13. ummm why?

scififanoftheearth wrote:

Dalton wrote:How old are you?

13. ummm why?

Because you act like it.

Just confirming my suspicions.

Ok. Thanks.

scififanoftheearth wrote:Ok. I am not very good at accepting constructive criticsim, and i need to work on that. Besides. I don't think before i say and end up being an asshole when i don't.

Then don't post your fanfics if you can't accept criticism. You asked for a review.

Alright. I need to edit in the first post by saying its a rough draft, or a taste or whatever, or just sit in my own shit .

Perhaps, but my 9 year old little brother writes book reports longer than your chapters. That's your first and biggest problem.