The HitchHikers Guide to the SW Galaxy
Posted: 2005-11-19 01:32am
((The product of one bored day precceding buy listtening to The HHGTTG Audio tapes))
The HitchHikers Guide to the StarWars Galaxy, a Crossover by
Crossroads Inc With material derived by Douglas Adams and George
Lucas.
((cue music“Journey of the Sorcerer”))
The HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the topic of
Crossovers.
Avoid them. They are messy affairs that consumes an authors time
and lead either to a short lived failure or a success that will, inevitably,
only consume more of your spare time. They open one up to both scorn
and ridicule by the requisite fans on either side of a given story.
Consequently, several Sacrifices to the Dark God “Yog-Sothoth” are
advised before beginning.
This naturally has done little to dissuade them from propagating the Sub-
Ether-Net bands and flooding popular SE sites with pages of drivel and
mindless fan ‘wanking’ ((see Guide section 29 page 23654)). It is
small wonder that despite all of the above, the proceeding ramblings are
none the less transposed for a hapless readers amusement.
PART ONE
At long last, things where safe. The planet Krikket was at peace, the
Galaxy was safe, the Universe was safe.
That is at least what most of the residents within the Galaxy believed
when they where told that, moments after the Slo-Time enveloping
Krikket was turned off and the release of the horrible Krikket war
machine was about to once more be unleashed, the whole nasty affair
had been set right by the President of the Galaxy, a resident from the
vicinity of Betelgeuse, a very old man, and two primitive ape decedents.
In truth a number of rather peculiar events has transpired. Marvin the
paranoid android had successfully pacified nearly all of the hideous
Krikket robots. Trillian and Arthur had spoken with HACTAR and later
dispersed him. And Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Ford Prefect, had retired to
the now restored “Heart of Gold”
What was curious is that slightly before Arthur Dent had requested to go
back to return The Ashes ((the burnt remains of a stump symbolizing the
death of English Cricket)) A single remaining Krickket warship had
appeared and destroyed the starship Bistromath before anyone could
board. Forced to retreat to the Heart of Gold, they demanded a very
brash and very stupid thing from the ships computer. Zaphod was
obvious the one behind it.
“Computer!”
“Hi guys! This is Eddi your—“
“Shut up and listen! There’s a Krikket warship out there and we need to
get away from it now!”
“Sounds swell! Where can I take you?”
“We don’t Care! Just take us somewhere the ship can’t get to! Anywhere!”
“You got it!”
“Zaphod Wait! Is that a good id--”
It is at this point that it should be noted that what the computer knew,
and Zaphod did not, is that there is really no place within a Galaxy safe
from a Krikket warship. Obviously, there was only one choice of action.
End Introduction;
On the outer western arm of the Galaxy, a horribly be-weaponed ship
plied seldom-plied paths in deep space. The mighty wedged vessel was
squat, painted a horrible grey, and had a distinct look about it. It was a
distinct look because it left you with a feeling of immense admiration, as
well as an equal sense of impending doom. It was the latter part the
ship did exceedingly well in.
Sadly for this ship, but more importantly it’s captain, it rarely if ever got
to convey a sense of impending doom as it had been relegated to the
vast backwaters of it’s particular Galaxy.
The captain in question was one Thadius Throtmorten. A great important
looking man who had seen much in his many days, though none of it had
been very interesting. He sat in a great dull chair, on a dark bridge,
looking at the black space. He had been looking at that same space for
about a year now, and it was getting to be rather bothersome.
Naturally the odd pirate or unregistered alien would pass by and needed
to be dealt with as paperwork commanded, but very little of importance
truly had transpired. The tall, round, noticeably balding man was
actually tremendously important, as he was the last blood aire of an
ancient line of dark wizards who had long ago plagued his Galaxy. But
that actually has little to do with this story and dose not really need to be
addressed.
What would need to be addressed was that in exactly 32 seconds, a ship
would appear that would have vast and highly Improbably ramifications
upon the Galaxy.
“Captain Throtmoren?” This was spoken rather timidly by a small fellow in
one of the pits lining a great walkway to the Captains chair.
“Yes Ensign Ployee, what is it?” This was spoken rather drolly by the
captain, who overlooked the pits.
“It’s our sensors sir, it says there’s a ship coming, but, it keeps changing.”
“What do you mean changing, the position?”
“No the ship sir, size, mass, shape, speed, It’s as if it where in a constant state of flux.”
“Are you getting a correct reading? Whats going on?”
“I, I don’t know sir, but what ever it is it’s Highly improbable”
Half a second later, 267 Hockey pucks, 17 Bagpipes, 12,953 improperly
marked Butterfly Ballots and a shoe shaped starship emerged from a rip
in probability.
The Heart of Gold had existed from its mighty jump after nearly a day
and a half trapped in Improbabilities. When it emerged the crew had
spent so much time outside the laws of reality that one would think there
had been a few lasting affects upon them. The bridge, which now was
covered in luxurious shag carpeting and pink Fuzzy Dice, was empty
save Arthur Dent, who was only now waking up due to a loud beeping.
“It’s beeping at me, how rude. I suppose I should see why it’s beeping.”
Strangely a screen nearby informed him it was beeping because
someone from a horribly be-weaponed ship wished to talk with him.
Arthur quite naturally assumed he was going to die, and decided to get
things over with by pressing the button.
“I say again! This is Thadius Throtmorten of the Imperial StarDestroyer
Hadoken, I order you to Identify your ship and it’s purpose in this sector
of the Outer Rim immediately!”
Arthur stared at the man for a moment. He didn’t stare at him because
the man, for all intensive purposes looked like a human, Arthur was far
too accustomed with most “aliens” either superficially or completely
resembling humans, but he stared at the man because he seemed to
speak with a British accent. This, quite naturally, evicted a simple
response to the captain’s complicated question.
“Do you have any tea?”
On the bridge of the Imperial warship, captain Throtmorten looked
stunned. He didn’t know what ‘tea’ was, he didn’t know why this starship
appeared spewing so much flotsam into space, but what he did know
was that in all his years no one had ever addressed him, without
addressing him.
“I beg your pardon! But when an Imperial officer questions you, you will
respond!” Thortmorten said, his voice rising slightly. Sadly before Arthur
could regain his wits and answer in a way that would not make matters
worse, Zaphod entered with a fish in his ear, not a Babelfish, which was
in his right ear, but a red hearing.
“Zarking’ey, How long was I out? Monkey boy! What’s going on, who’s the
suite on the screen” Zaphod mentioned, pointing to the captain with one
arm and removing the fish with his third arm.
“Well, I, I don’t rightly know yet. He says he’s from some Empire and
wants to know what where doing, to be honest I’d like to know that
myself.”
“Happy to be of service”
“Arthur, Zaphod, there you are. Woke up covered in yarn and couldn’t
make heads or tails of things, what’s going? Did we escape from the
Krikket ship?”
“I think so, but Monkey boy here says there’s another ship out there
wanting to talk with us.” Zaphod commented as he looked around
“Froom, I really need a drink”
Captain Throtmorton watched this all with growing annoyance. In his
mind there was a natural and precise order to how people responded
when he contacted them. First fear, then panic, then usually either
bribing or pleading followed by disintegration or release, depending on
his mood. He had never encountered anyone who treated him or
importantly his ship, with such indifference. He was beginning to wonder
why when the people on the other side of his vid screen gave him the answer.
“Hey Arthur, just what ship did you say he was on anyways?”
“You’ve got me Ford, a StarDestroyer or something. Though if you ask
me I think destroying a Star is rather silly. Destroying a planet is quite
enough thank you. And where is Trillian?”
“I passed her coming in, she was talking to Slartibartfast, he seemed
upset over something in your luggage.”
“Oh? What was it?”
“Pleasure to open for you”
“Oh sod off you stupid door”
“Marvin Baby! How are you?”
“Dreadful, not that you care much, my whole body aches and I have this
terrible pain in all the diodes in the left side of my body.”
“Um yeh that’s great, but where kinda busy with this guy out here, k buddy?”
“Ok, but I was just talking with the ships computer and it seems a bit
concerned about the ship outside.”
“Oh come on, there’s nothing to worry about! This is the heart of Gold!
Will just fire some Kill-O-Zaps and raise shields!”
Arthur looked to Ford as Zaphod was making “pow pow” gestures with his
fingers. Throtmorten was still trying to figure out if he should be horrible
angered, or simply amused by what he now knew to be a ship that had
no idea who he was.
“Well, you should know the ship doesn’t actually have any weapons, and
our shields where never repaired properly. Also, the ships outside is
roughly as large as a Vogon constructor ship and just as lethal.
Arthur and Ford looked at each other immediately. Zaphod was still
making “pow pow” gestures with his hands, and Throtmorten had decided he had had enough.
“Ensign Mort?”
“Aye Captain?”
“Target them with the Ion cannons, the big ones.”
“Aye Captain!!!”
“Hey you guys! This is Eddi here, and I just want to say what a Thrill its
going to be being shot with you all!”
The rear turrets of the might cheese shaped starship swung forward,
pointing toward the tiny ship hovering just over the bow. Each one spat
forth a horrible blue explosion of energy before the Heart of Gold went
dark and it’s occupants once more unconscious.
The HitchHikers Guide to the StarWars Galaxy, a Crossover by
Crossroads Inc With material derived by Douglas Adams and George
Lucas.
((cue music“Journey of the Sorcerer”))
The HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the topic of
Crossovers.
Avoid them. They are messy affairs that consumes an authors time
and lead either to a short lived failure or a success that will, inevitably,
only consume more of your spare time. They open one up to both scorn
and ridicule by the requisite fans on either side of a given story.
Consequently, several Sacrifices to the Dark God “Yog-Sothoth” are
advised before beginning.
This naturally has done little to dissuade them from propagating the Sub-
Ether-Net bands and flooding popular SE sites with pages of drivel and
mindless fan ‘wanking’ ((see Guide section 29 page 23654)). It is
small wonder that despite all of the above, the proceeding ramblings are
none the less transposed for a hapless readers amusement.
PART ONE
At long last, things where safe. The planet Krikket was at peace, the
Galaxy was safe, the Universe was safe.
That is at least what most of the residents within the Galaxy believed
when they where told that, moments after the Slo-Time enveloping
Krikket was turned off and the release of the horrible Krikket war
machine was about to once more be unleashed, the whole nasty affair
had been set right by the President of the Galaxy, a resident from the
vicinity of Betelgeuse, a very old man, and two primitive ape decedents.
In truth a number of rather peculiar events has transpired. Marvin the
paranoid android had successfully pacified nearly all of the hideous
Krikket robots. Trillian and Arthur had spoken with HACTAR and later
dispersed him. And Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Ford Prefect, had retired to
the now restored “Heart of Gold”
What was curious is that slightly before Arthur Dent had requested to go
back to return The Ashes ((the burnt remains of a stump symbolizing the
death of English Cricket)) A single remaining Krickket warship had
appeared and destroyed the starship Bistromath before anyone could
board. Forced to retreat to the Heart of Gold, they demanded a very
brash and very stupid thing from the ships computer. Zaphod was
obvious the one behind it.
“Computer!”
“Hi guys! This is Eddi your—“
“Shut up and listen! There’s a Krikket warship out there and we need to
get away from it now!”
“Sounds swell! Where can I take you?”
“We don’t Care! Just take us somewhere the ship can’t get to! Anywhere!”
“You got it!”
“Zaphod Wait! Is that a good id--”
It is at this point that it should be noted that what the computer knew,
and Zaphod did not, is that there is really no place within a Galaxy safe
from a Krikket warship. Obviously, there was only one choice of action.
End Introduction;
On the outer western arm of the Galaxy, a horribly be-weaponed ship
plied seldom-plied paths in deep space. The mighty wedged vessel was
squat, painted a horrible grey, and had a distinct look about it. It was a
distinct look because it left you with a feeling of immense admiration, as
well as an equal sense of impending doom. It was the latter part the
ship did exceedingly well in.
Sadly for this ship, but more importantly it’s captain, it rarely if ever got
to convey a sense of impending doom as it had been relegated to the
vast backwaters of it’s particular Galaxy.
The captain in question was one Thadius Throtmorten. A great important
looking man who had seen much in his many days, though none of it had
been very interesting. He sat in a great dull chair, on a dark bridge,
looking at the black space. He had been looking at that same space for
about a year now, and it was getting to be rather bothersome.
Naturally the odd pirate or unregistered alien would pass by and needed
to be dealt with as paperwork commanded, but very little of importance
truly had transpired. The tall, round, noticeably balding man was
actually tremendously important, as he was the last blood aire of an
ancient line of dark wizards who had long ago plagued his Galaxy. But
that actually has little to do with this story and dose not really need to be
addressed.
What would need to be addressed was that in exactly 32 seconds, a ship
would appear that would have vast and highly Improbably ramifications
upon the Galaxy.
“Captain Throtmoren?” This was spoken rather timidly by a small fellow in
one of the pits lining a great walkway to the Captains chair.
“Yes Ensign Ployee, what is it?” This was spoken rather drolly by the
captain, who overlooked the pits.
“It’s our sensors sir, it says there’s a ship coming, but, it keeps changing.”
“What do you mean changing, the position?”
“No the ship sir, size, mass, shape, speed, It’s as if it where in a constant state of flux.”
“Are you getting a correct reading? Whats going on?”
“I, I don’t know sir, but what ever it is it’s Highly improbable”
Half a second later, 267 Hockey pucks, 17 Bagpipes, 12,953 improperly
marked Butterfly Ballots and a shoe shaped starship emerged from a rip
in probability.
The Heart of Gold had existed from its mighty jump after nearly a day
and a half trapped in Improbabilities. When it emerged the crew had
spent so much time outside the laws of reality that one would think there
had been a few lasting affects upon them. The bridge, which now was
covered in luxurious shag carpeting and pink Fuzzy Dice, was empty
save Arthur Dent, who was only now waking up due to a loud beeping.
“It’s beeping at me, how rude. I suppose I should see why it’s beeping.”
Strangely a screen nearby informed him it was beeping because
someone from a horribly be-weaponed ship wished to talk with him.
Arthur quite naturally assumed he was going to die, and decided to get
things over with by pressing the button.
“I say again! This is Thadius Throtmorten of the Imperial StarDestroyer
Hadoken, I order you to Identify your ship and it’s purpose in this sector
of the Outer Rim immediately!”
Arthur stared at the man for a moment. He didn’t stare at him because
the man, for all intensive purposes looked like a human, Arthur was far
too accustomed with most “aliens” either superficially or completely
resembling humans, but he stared at the man because he seemed to
speak with a British accent. This, quite naturally, evicted a simple
response to the captain’s complicated question.
“Do you have any tea?”
On the bridge of the Imperial warship, captain Throtmorten looked
stunned. He didn’t know what ‘tea’ was, he didn’t know why this starship
appeared spewing so much flotsam into space, but what he did know
was that in all his years no one had ever addressed him, without
addressing him.
“I beg your pardon! But when an Imperial officer questions you, you will
respond!” Thortmorten said, his voice rising slightly. Sadly before Arthur
could regain his wits and answer in a way that would not make matters
worse, Zaphod entered with a fish in his ear, not a Babelfish, which was
in his right ear, but a red hearing.
“Zarking’ey, How long was I out? Monkey boy! What’s going on, who’s the
suite on the screen” Zaphod mentioned, pointing to the captain with one
arm and removing the fish with his third arm.
“Well, I, I don’t rightly know yet. He says he’s from some Empire and
wants to know what where doing, to be honest I’d like to know that
myself.”
“Happy to be of service”
“Arthur, Zaphod, there you are. Woke up covered in yarn and couldn’t
make heads or tails of things, what’s going? Did we escape from the
Krikket ship?”
“I think so, but Monkey boy here says there’s another ship out there
wanting to talk with us.” Zaphod commented as he looked around
“Froom, I really need a drink”
Captain Throtmorton watched this all with growing annoyance. In his
mind there was a natural and precise order to how people responded
when he contacted them. First fear, then panic, then usually either
bribing or pleading followed by disintegration or release, depending on
his mood. He had never encountered anyone who treated him or
importantly his ship, with such indifference. He was beginning to wonder
why when the people on the other side of his vid screen gave him the answer.
“Hey Arthur, just what ship did you say he was on anyways?”
“You’ve got me Ford, a StarDestroyer or something. Though if you ask
me I think destroying a Star is rather silly. Destroying a planet is quite
enough thank you. And where is Trillian?”
“I passed her coming in, she was talking to Slartibartfast, he seemed
upset over something in your luggage.”
“Oh? What was it?”
“Pleasure to open for you”
“Oh sod off you stupid door”
“Marvin Baby! How are you?”
“Dreadful, not that you care much, my whole body aches and I have this
terrible pain in all the diodes in the left side of my body.”
“Um yeh that’s great, but where kinda busy with this guy out here, k buddy?”
“Ok, but I was just talking with the ships computer and it seems a bit
concerned about the ship outside.”
“Oh come on, there’s nothing to worry about! This is the heart of Gold!
Will just fire some Kill-O-Zaps and raise shields!”
Arthur looked to Ford as Zaphod was making “pow pow” gestures with his
fingers. Throtmorten was still trying to figure out if he should be horrible
angered, or simply amused by what he now knew to be a ship that had
no idea who he was.
“Well, you should know the ship doesn’t actually have any weapons, and
our shields where never repaired properly. Also, the ships outside is
roughly as large as a Vogon constructor ship and just as lethal.
Arthur and Ford looked at each other immediately. Zaphod was still
making “pow pow” gestures with his hands, and Throtmorten had decided he had had enough.
“Ensign Mort?”
“Aye Captain?”
“Target them with the Ion cannons, the big ones.”
“Aye Captain!!!”
“Hey you guys! This is Eddi here, and I just want to say what a Thrill its
going to be being shot with you all!”
The rear turrets of the might cheese shaped starship swung forward,
pointing toward the tiny ship hovering just over the bow. Each one spat
forth a horrible blue explosion of energy before the Heart of Gold went
dark and it’s occupants once more unconscious.
