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This is a sript of an SNL Sketch that doesn't exist and will never exist, and it is a parody of the upcoming Halo movie. Sit back and enjoy.




Fake Halo:TMP parody SNL Transcript 2/31/74

1: INT Halo Set

PETER JACKSON(Horatio Sans) is on set discussing a scene with an actor in a MASTER CHEIF suit(Jimmy Fallon). The set is clearly one of the generic corridors from "Assault on the Control Room"

PETER JACKSON
Okay, now what I want you to do
for this scene in to run into
this room and kill all of the
Covenant.

MASTER CHEIF
Uhh.. Peter, didn't I JUST do a
Scene like this?

PETER JACKSON
Nooo.. That was a uhh.. different
scene, this is the room right
after it. I'm trying to stay
true to the source material here.

MASTER CHEIF
You sure thats a good idea? I
mean, I played the original game.
I thought that the repeating
rooms were annoying.

PETER JACKSON
My eleven Oscars for Return of the
King think that the scene is
fine. Aannnnd Action!

The house lights dim as the scene lights turn on for the scene to start. An actor in a GRUNT suit(Rachael Dratch)

enters the scene.

GRUNT
Hey! No sleeping on the job!

MASTER CHEIF enters the scene.

MASTER CHEIF
Boo!

GRUNT
Aaahhhh! He's Everywhere!

The GRUNT runs screaming from the shot.

CORTANA(OS)
Cheif! We've got trouble! The
Monitor is going to activate
Halo! Your sexy body is going
to have to stop... Alright,
you know what. CUT!

The house lights come on as the scene stops.

PETER JACKSON
What was wrong with that scene?

CORTANA(Tina Fey) enters the scene, She is wearing a purple jumpsuit that leaves little to the imagination.

CORTANA
I don't know about this line, it
seems out of character for
Cortana to be saying it here.

PETER JACKSON
Yeah, I wanted to change the
story a bit to make the movie
better.

MASTER CHEIF
Wait.. what happened to being
faithful to the source
material?

PETER JACKSON
Well... Look, just do the scene.
Action!

The house lights dim as the GRUNT enters the shot.

GRUNT
Hey! no sleeping on the job!

The MASTER CHEIF enters shot.

MASTER CHEIF
Boo!

GRUNT
Ahhhhhhhh! He's Everywhere!
(beat) Wait.. CUT!

The house lights come back on

GRUNT
Peter, this line makes no sense.
How can he be everywhere?

PETER JACKSON
I thought I would throw that
line in just for the fans.

MASTER CHEIF(CUTTING IN)
Yeah, but it makes no sense.

PETER JACKSON
Look, I am EXECUTIVE PRODUCER of
this movie. I get what I want.

MASTER CHEIF
Alright, I quit.

GRUNT
Me too.

CORTANA
I quit as well.

PETER JACKSON
Alright! fine! I can make this
movie without you!

2 EXT Halo intro

The Halo logo apppears on screen. The familiar theme plays in the background.

3 INT Control Room Corridor.

A husky Master cheif(Horatio Sans) that barely fits into the suit enters the scene.

MASTER CHEIF
Boo!

An obvious cut to game footage of a frightened grunt running away.

CORTANA(OS, OBVIOUSLY VOICED BY PETER JACKSON)
Cheif, you sexy beast, the
Monitor is goibg to activate Halo!
We have to stop him!

MASTER CHEIF
What's the plan?

CORTANA
In this canyon there are three
Phased pulse generators. Go to those
and disrupt the power to them.

MASTER CHEIF
Thats too much work for me.
Let him activate Halo. I mean
Whats the worst that could
happen, right?

Heh.
A bit too "close to the source material" for many people to get, but it was pretty amusing. Imagining Sans as the Chief...