Sutekh's Review corner Ep 1 (warning pic heavy)
Posted: 2006-01-09 02:45pm
All images property of their creator, reproduced for parody purposes only, no profit made on this (nor would I accept any if their was to prevent being tainted by Jack Chick) Originals go to www.chick.com
Opening theme:19-2000 soulchild remix by The Gorillaz
Camera zooms in on a T.V. with four facing chairs
Announcer: Hello mortals, I am Anubis and welcome to Sutekh’s Sarcasm Review, and now your host Sutekh.
With a flash of lightning Sutekh appears in the chair.
Sutekh: Hi beings of the multi-verse, I’m your host Sutekh the Destroyer. Now lets have Anubis introduce my victims.....I mean guests.
Anubis: Well then here’s your first guest Quetzcoatl, feathered serpent god of the Aztecs. And surprisingly he volunteered.
Sutekh: Well it is our first show.
In a flash Quetzcoatl flies in and settles on a chair.
Sutekh: Welcome to the show.
Quetzcoatl: I’m pleased to be here.
Sutekh: I understand you actually volunteered for this
Quetzcoatl: Unlike your other guests I know what we’re going to be reviewing and it pleases me.
Sutekh: Oooookaaayyyy, Anubis who’s up next.
Anubis: From a long time ago, in a galaxy that’s far, far away, unless you know the shortcuts, Smuggler, Pirate, businessman, and general. Lando Calrissian.
A door appears for Lando to walk through.
Sutekh: Hi Lando, how goes it in the New Republic
Lando: Busy, I hear you’re a god.
Sutekh: Yup. Let’s move on who’s our last guest
Anubis: A very special guest, guardian of dreamland and video game cream puff of death, Kirby.
Kirby arrives riding a star that burst throwing him into the last chair
Lando: Gah!! That’s a lot of pink.
Quetzcoatl: No kidding.
Kirby: Bite me.
Sutekh: Your kinda surly for a children’s video game character.
Kirby: Why do you think I never talk?
All: Ahh
Sutekh: Moving right along, and since this our first show here’s how it works. I find something I feel like reviewing and Anubis finds me 3 co-stars to suffer through it. Now our first item.
Sutekh points a remote at the T.V.
Lando: I have a bad feeling about this.
Kirby: Kill me, kill me now.
Quetzcoatl: Muahahahahahaha.
Sutekh: Thats my line.
Quetzcoatl: Sorry
Lando: Is that guy in the back drooling?
Coatl: Wow, those are some large noses.
Kirby: Are these suppose to be Iraqis or Afganis?
Sutekh: Does it matter, he drew them with the Lawrence of Arabia stereotype to make them look evil
Lando: Good is a point of view.
Kirby: Where is your god now? Could that be any more trite?
Sutekh: I hate to bring it up but US casualties in the mideast are mostly from suicide bombs, they tend to win pitched battles hands down, what with the superior equipment training and close air support.
Lando: *to Kirby* You just had to ask.
Coatl: Because guys who live in deserts are less able to cope with sandstorms then guys from Jersey.
Sutekh: But *ahem* ‘God’ is on their side.
Kirby: *mocking* ‘Nothing can save us now.’ Maybe, maybe not, but keeping your fucking helmet on might be a good start, you know just incase some shrapnel flies into your head. Take it from someone whose body has the consistency of marshmallow.
Lando: 10 minutes!!! Aren’t these ‘middle east’ guys fighting with guerilla warfare tactics? Now not that I’m an expert.... Oh wait I am, 10 minutes is a ridiculous amount of time to fight a battle against guys who can call artillery and air support. An ambush should take 3-6 minutes max.
Coatl: This is a Jack Chick production, all his battlefield knowledge is derived from movies.
Kirby: I would have thanked our host.
Lando: huh?
Sutekh: I’m the god of sandstorms
Coatl: Among other things.
Lando: Why the kriff are they still there 40 minutes later?
Kirby: Cause Chick is a sad little man with no life, in his mind reality conforms to his view rather than the other way around.
Sutekh: Because it really matters where he got shot after bleeding out for 40 minutes
Lando: *face palms* let me guess since he thinks a guerilla ambush takes ten minutes a retreat by the guerillas, on their home turf, under near zero visibility cover is a 40 minute running battle.
Coatl: What the hell is going on over the word bubble.
Sutekh: Let me enlarge it
Kirby: *singing* ‘Sodomy, you must think its really odd of me...
Lando: I don’t know which is worse, the picture or the fact you know that song.
Coatl: I can make it worse Jack claims to have been in the Army for three years
Lando: *Groan*
Sutekh: It probably wasn’t intentional
Coatl: Yeah, its his subconscious desire for hot military man sex
Lando: Damn that’s cold
Kirby: Wait if he’s got bodybag duty wouldn’t he have put Max in the bag?
Coatl: Isn’t that helicopter a little out of date?
Sutekh: It looks like the vietnam era transport ‘copter, either Jack remembers them from his time in service, or he watched ‘We were soldiers’ recently.
Kirby: Yup, Jesus will reject him, he’s only a patriot, who died doing his duty, but he didn’t believe in ‘Jesus’ so he’ll be tortured for eternity.
Lando: What!!?
Coatl: The judeo-Christian god is a schizophrenic fuck according to his followers, they declare he’s a forgiving omni-benevolent god, but he sends you to be tortured forever if you don’t worship him. They’ve spent the last 2000 years saying ‘love thy neighbor’ while going out to kill said neighbors, mostly over differences over how he should be worshiped.
Kirby: Yeah, see Jack, like most fanatics, is convinced that his version of christianity is the only correct one and laughs with glee at the thought that anyone who disagrees with him will be tortured in hell for the rest of existence.
Sutekh: Don’t try to figure it out Lando, they’re the largest religion on earth yet still claim to be ‘persecuted’.
Lando: I think my brain just took an Ion Cannon hit.
Kirby: Yeah ‘cause anyone who doesn’t believe merely doesn’t know the most publicized story on the fucking planet.
Sutekh: Wow, a man with a jewish mother, who worships the jewish god, isn’t a jew.
Lando: *about second panel* What?
Kirby: Why would they be sending this guy? Chaplains don’t go through combat training, and as far as I know he would be left at headquarters and a chaplain assistant would be sent to replace one who dies.
Coatl: Looks like he got hung up on that as well.
Lando: Let me guess, a Chaplain Assistant is a job title not a literal chaplain’s assistant.
Kirby: Bingo, a Chaplain Assistant is a soldier of ‘high moral character’ who goes through basic religious training, now they are also responsible for protecting chaplains in the field, but they are already in the field as parts of units. Theoretically every platoon should have one. Either way since chaplains aren’t trained with weapons they aren’t sent into actual combat unless they volunteer for weapon training.
Lando: So this is....
Coatl: Complete and utter fiction. Chaplains that end up in active combat areas stay at main camps, they only see combat by chance.
Coatl: Jesus created the universe? I thought they believed God did.
Sutekh: Keep watching.
Kirby: So he believes Jesus, who’s supposed to be god’s son, is now both father and son.
Lando: That sounds vaguely incestuous.
Sutekh: And he abandons himself later.
Lando: what?
Sutekh: There are different versions of how he died, in Matthew Jesus’s last words are ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’ Which is part of why the battle over ‘Is Jesus god, or god’s son’ has raged to this day.
Kirby: The fact that according to early christian writings, until the mid second century the guys who would be called christians were a jewish sect.
Sutekh: He’s a fictional character, they created him out of pieces of several other Gods Horus, Mithras, etc. in order to convert non-jews. A move that backfired when it came to converting the jews themselves, since despite christian propaganda he doesn’t satisfy their prophecies on the subject.
Lando: And why is this scaring him?
Kirby: Probably the look in ‘preacher’s’ eyes.
Sutekh: Who wants to bet this guy isn’t a preacher, and despite the low qualifications isn’t a Chaplain Assistant. Despite the very, very, low qualifications.
Lando: What are they?
Sutekh: They want the job, be of ‘moral’ character, type at least 20 words per minute, possess a valid driver's license, and be willing to bear arms.
All: No bet.
Kirby: Cool, big screen t.v.
Coatl: Sins, or just really embarrassing moments.
Lando: Wait, didn’t this Jesus fellows death absolve everyone of their sins?
Kirby: Shh, the whole religion is based on guilt and fear.
Lando: *squinting* ‘For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.’ So words are more important than actions.
Coatl: Always with the rhetoric, see claiming to be a righteous godfearing person is more important than helping people.
Lando: Did Palpatine write their scripture?
Sutekh: No, good guess though. Each book of scripture was written by someone different, sometimes several someones. The old testament is worse, it was oral history for millenia before it got written down.
Lando: To quote my friend Luke, ‘Hate is the path to the darkside’
Coatl: 5 cents? I would hold out for the cost of a bullet.
Lando: You don’t have any arms.
Coatl: Yeah, but I want equal pay for swallowing
Kirby: That sounds dirty.
Coatl: Thank you.
Lando: Um....What makes this guy so rotten?
Sutekh: Don’t expect cohesive storylines, or characterization
Kirby: God left his throne, I thought God was omnipresent.
Coatl: It’s the rationale for how Jesus dying on the cross was a sacrifice if he was god since sacrificing him to himself seems sort of silly.
Lando: This all seems kind of silly.
Sutekh: Actually it was a cave, it’s been labeled a stable cause it had a hay filled box.
Kirby: Yeah cause the truth is why they would have hated him. Not for treating his mother like shit, being a drunk, telling people to hate their families, cursing cities, trees, among other rather bizarre acts.
Lando: He cursed a tree?
Coatl: For not bearing fruit out of season.
Kirby: I see someone watched Passion of Christ.
Sutekh: Yeah he allowed it to happen, not that he was a man who was no match for roman soldiers for whom brutality was a day job.
Coatl: Have they ever explained why romans are killing him instead of the usual stoning.
Sutekh: *shurgs* anti-roman sentiment I suppose.
Lando: Wait, he made people immortal? And doesn’t that quote contradict his position that Jesus is God?
Sutekh: No humans are still quite mortal, its suppose to be a sacrifice to forgive our sins.
Kirby: See Jack’s ‘Jesus is god’ position is undefendable since if he is god the sacrifice is pointless since he could just forgive them without it.
Lando: Glorified?
Kirby: Gloryholed.
Coatl: He doesn’t mention it but the apostles didn’t recognize him at first, as if he wasn’t the same guy.
Coatl: Yup, the forgiving god won’t forgive you for not kissing his ass while your alive.
Lando: Part of that whole rule through fear thing, I see. This sounds more like Tarkin’s work.
Kirby: What lines? America took over both countries in matters of weeks. There aren’t any lines in a guerilla war against insurgents.
Lando: Um...In the time it took to undo his chin strap and lunge towards the grenade he could have picked it up and chucked it.
Coatl: Wow a part I have no problem with.
Kirby: Though technically no one is ready to die if they’re killed by someone else
Sutekh: That’s a pretty big explosion for a hand grenade.
Lando: Four days? What did he do walk?
Coatl: Isn’t spiritual matters the whole point of the chaplain?
Kirby: Dude is that Scott Dolph?
Coatl: Who?
Sutekh: Commandant of the marine corp in the Metal Gear Solid 2 game, he has a romanian vampire goth boy toy named ahem Vamp.
Kirby: Yeah, I met him at the crossover christmas part last year, he likes him some cock. Though that looks like Sgt. Johnson from Halo.
Coatl: Noble Gesture? Shouldn’t that be Noble Action?
Lando: Not if true to form, words mean more than actions
Kirby: What the fuck is up with the dog and the rat?
Coatl: You know not all faiths require you to go to a theological seminary to become a preacher.
Kirby: What does reading Greek have to do with anything.
Sutekh: Some denominations use Greek language bibles. In some theologic circles its considered a sign you’re well educated to read Ancient Greek.
Lando: What does his actual status as a preacher have to do with his nickname?
Sutekh: This is a chick product, anyone who disagrees with his views on Christ they have to be portrayed as obnoxious assholes, never mind that if he was this much of an asshole he wouldn’t have the position.
Lando: Correct me if I’m wrong but don’t other christians who don’t agree with Jack also believe the bible is true and Jesus is the way to heaven.
Coatl: Actually most christians believe the bible is true, but they don’t agree with everything Jack has to say, so they are going to hell.
Kirby: What an asshole.
Coatl: Yeah, despite christian chaplains being the majority, and that they have to train them in comparative religion so they can work with non-christians, chaplains have to tolerate and aid other religions rather than annoy them or persecute them, and Jack doesn’t hold with tolerance.
Sutekh: Irony being if Jack got his wish and America became a theocracy Catholics are the largest percentage of the christian population and he hates Catholics.
Coatl: Chaplains are trained to aid spiritual matters regardless of faith, they won’t turn anyone away like this.
Kirby: The realistic response, ‘that’s nice son’ or maybe ‘good for you’
Lando: Religious terrorist?
Sutekh: Jack follows a different set of reality than the rest of the world. In his world anyone who disagrees with him must be persecuting him. His characters suffer the same way.
Kirby: Why the hell is he going with them? A Chaplain Assistant goes to the combat zone not the Chaplains.
Coatl: And Chaplains are always officers. They are ministers who are given comparative religion and counseling courses. They give them officer ranks to command respect not because they can give orders.
Lando: Damn he’s short.
Kirby: I bet that ‘respect’ will follow with his death.
Coatl: That’s a pretty big land mine for guys who use 20-50 year old surplus military equipment
Lando: Isn’t Jesus suppose to be sitting at the right hand of the lord?
Kirby: Jack believes they’re one and the same remember, making the sacrifice meaningless.
Sutekh: Either that or Jesus couldn’t measure up either.
Lando: He didn’t seem ashamed of the words, he seemed rather prideful he knew them. What’s the bible quote?
Sutekh and Coatl: ‘For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his Father's, and of the holy angels.’
Kirby: Damn that was creepy...
Lando: Wait doesn’t that line also say once again that Jesus and god are separate beings? If Jesus was God how could he come into ‘his own glory’ since as god he would be the source of glory?
Kirby: It gets better if the divine duo here will stereo the next verse.
Sutekh and Coatl: ‘But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.’
Kirby: *orgasmic* ooooohhh yeeeeeah creep me out some more.
Lando: So he told the apostle guys that the end of the world would come in their life time, how long has it been?
Coatl: Nearly 2000 years.
Lando: And no ones picked up on this?
Sutekh: Oh they have, christians have these guys called apologists who make up excuses for inconvenient parts of the bible. Sometimes by resorting to out and out lying about what stuff means.
Lando: So let me get this straight, this ever loving, forgiving, omniscient, all powerful god who created everybody, condemns people to ‘eternal fire’. Something there makes no sense. I mean if he’s omniscient, he’d know a person was going to hell as soon as he created them, but he creates them to be tortured anyway. That only makes sense if he either isn’t loving, isn’t all powerful or isn’t omniscient.
Sutekh: Welcome to christian theology.
Kirby: The biggest headache till time paradoxes
Sutekh: Look on the bright side, its over. It’s time for final thoughts, Kirby?
Kirby: I’m left with a burning desire to inhale your T.V., yet I’m afraid to do so while it displays Chicks work. Just incase it gives me his brain.
Sutekh: That explains the gloryhole comment, Quetzcoatl?
Coatl: Chicks art looks much the same as it did in the past, with cleaner lines. At least it’s better than the lolicon art of ‘little suzy’.
Sutekh: Hmm, true yet slightly disturbing. Lando?
Lando: I need a Colt 45.
Kirby: The beer.
Lando: No the revolver, the stupidity makes me want to shoot you for making me look at it.
Sutekh: Very enlightening. Well as usual Chick shows his complete distance from reality in his drivel. Tune in next time when I get 3 new victims.
Exit tune: Dragostea Din Tei by O zone
Comments, Questions, flames, suggestions for the next show.
(edited to fix spelling and spacing errors I didn't catch.)
Opening theme:19-2000 soulchild remix by The Gorillaz
Camera zooms in on a T.V. with four facing chairs
Announcer: Hello mortals, I am Anubis and welcome to Sutekh’s Sarcasm Review, and now your host Sutekh.
With a flash of lightning Sutekh appears in the chair.
Sutekh: Hi beings of the multi-verse, I’m your host Sutekh the Destroyer. Now lets have Anubis introduce my victims.....I mean guests.
Anubis: Well then here’s your first guest Quetzcoatl, feathered serpent god of the Aztecs. And surprisingly he volunteered.
Sutekh: Well it is our first show.
In a flash Quetzcoatl flies in and settles on a chair.
Sutekh: Welcome to the show.
Quetzcoatl: I’m pleased to be here.
Sutekh: I understand you actually volunteered for this
Quetzcoatl: Unlike your other guests I know what we’re going to be reviewing and it pleases me.
Sutekh: Oooookaaayyyy, Anubis who’s up next.
Anubis: From a long time ago, in a galaxy that’s far, far away, unless you know the shortcuts, Smuggler, Pirate, businessman, and general. Lando Calrissian.
A door appears for Lando to walk through.
Sutekh: Hi Lando, how goes it in the New Republic
Lando: Busy, I hear you’re a god.
Sutekh: Yup. Let’s move on who’s our last guest
Anubis: A very special guest, guardian of dreamland and video game cream puff of death, Kirby.
Kirby arrives riding a star that burst throwing him into the last chair
Lando: Gah!! That’s a lot of pink.
Quetzcoatl: No kidding.
Kirby: Bite me.
Sutekh: Your kinda surly for a children’s video game character.
Kirby: Why do you think I never talk?
All: Ahh
Sutekh: Moving right along, and since this our first show here’s how it works. I find something I feel like reviewing and Anubis finds me 3 co-stars to suffer through it. Now our first item.
Sutekh points a remote at the T.V.
Lando: I have a bad feeling about this.
Kirby: Kill me, kill me now.
Quetzcoatl: Muahahahahahaha.
Sutekh: Thats my line.
Quetzcoatl: Sorry
Lando: Is that guy in the back drooling?
Coatl: Wow, those are some large noses.
Kirby: Are these suppose to be Iraqis or Afganis?
Sutekh: Does it matter, he drew them with the Lawrence of Arabia stereotype to make them look evil
Lando: Good is a point of view.
Kirby: Where is your god now? Could that be any more trite?
Sutekh: I hate to bring it up but US casualties in the mideast are mostly from suicide bombs, they tend to win pitched battles hands down, what with the superior equipment training and close air support.
Lando: *to Kirby* You just had to ask.
Coatl: Because guys who live in deserts are less able to cope with sandstorms then guys from Jersey.
Sutekh: But *ahem* ‘God’ is on their side.
Kirby: *mocking* ‘Nothing can save us now.’ Maybe, maybe not, but keeping your fucking helmet on might be a good start, you know just incase some shrapnel flies into your head. Take it from someone whose body has the consistency of marshmallow.
Lando: 10 minutes!!! Aren’t these ‘middle east’ guys fighting with guerilla warfare tactics? Now not that I’m an expert.... Oh wait I am, 10 minutes is a ridiculous amount of time to fight a battle against guys who can call artillery and air support. An ambush should take 3-6 minutes max.
Coatl: This is a Jack Chick production, all his battlefield knowledge is derived from movies.
Kirby: I would have thanked our host.
Lando: huh?
Sutekh: I’m the god of sandstorms
Coatl: Among other things.
Lando: Why the kriff are they still there 40 minutes later?
Kirby: Cause Chick is a sad little man with no life, in his mind reality conforms to his view rather than the other way around.
Sutekh: Because it really matters where he got shot after bleeding out for 40 minutes
Lando: *face palms* let me guess since he thinks a guerilla ambush takes ten minutes a retreat by the guerillas, on their home turf, under near zero visibility cover is a 40 minute running battle.
Coatl: What the hell is going on over the word bubble.
Sutekh: Let me enlarge it
Kirby: *singing* ‘Sodomy, you must think its really odd of me...
Lando: I don’t know which is worse, the picture or the fact you know that song.
Coatl: I can make it worse Jack claims to have been in the Army for three years
Lando: *Groan*
Sutekh: It probably wasn’t intentional
Coatl: Yeah, its his subconscious desire for hot military man sex
Lando: Damn that’s cold
Kirby: Wait if he’s got bodybag duty wouldn’t he have put Max in the bag?
Coatl: Isn’t that helicopter a little out of date?
Sutekh: It looks like the vietnam era transport ‘copter, either Jack remembers them from his time in service, or he watched ‘We were soldiers’ recently.
Kirby: Yup, Jesus will reject him, he’s only a patriot, who died doing his duty, but he didn’t believe in ‘Jesus’ so he’ll be tortured for eternity.
Lando: What!!?
Coatl: The judeo-Christian god is a schizophrenic fuck according to his followers, they declare he’s a forgiving omni-benevolent god, but he sends you to be tortured forever if you don’t worship him. They’ve spent the last 2000 years saying ‘love thy neighbor’ while going out to kill said neighbors, mostly over differences over how he should be worshiped.
Kirby: Yeah, see Jack, like most fanatics, is convinced that his version of christianity is the only correct one and laughs with glee at the thought that anyone who disagrees with him will be tortured in hell for the rest of existence.
Sutekh: Don’t try to figure it out Lando, they’re the largest religion on earth yet still claim to be ‘persecuted’.
Lando: I think my brain just took an Ion Cannon hit.
Kirby: Yeah ‘cause anyone who doesn’t believe merely doesn’t know the most publicized story on the fucking planet.
Sutekh: Wow, a man with a jewish mother, who worships the jewish god, isn’t a jew.
Lando: *about second panel* What?
Kirby: Why would they be sending this guy? Chaplains don’t go through combat training, and as far as I know he would be left at headquarters and a chaplain assistant would be sent to replace one who dies.
Coatl: Looks like he got hung up on that as well.
Lando: Let me guess, a Chaplain Assistant is a job title not a literal chaplain’s assistant.
Kirby: Bingo, a Chaplain Assistant is a soldier of ‘high moral character’ who goes through basic religious training, now they are also responsible for protecting chaplains in the field, but they are already in the field as parts of units. Theoretically every platoon should have one. Either way since chaplains aren’t trained with weapons they aren’t sent into actual combat unless they volunteer for weapon training.
Lando: So this is....
Coatl: Complete and utter fiction. Chaplains that end up in active combat areas stay at main camps, they only see combat by chance.
Coatl: Jesus created the universe? I thought they believed God did.
Sutekh: Keep watching.
Kirby: So he believes Jesus, who’s supposed to be god’s son, is now both father and son.
Lando: That sounds vaguely incestuous.
Sutekh: And he abandons himself later.
Lando: what?
Sutekh: There are different versions of how he died, in Matthew Jesus’s last words are ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’ Which is part of why the battle over ‘Is Jesus god, or god’s son’ has raged to this day.
Kirby: The fact that according to early christian writings, until the mid second century the guys who would be called christians were a jewish sect.
Sutekh: He’s a fictional character, they created him out of pieces of several other Gods Horus, Mithras, etc. in order to convert non-jews. A move that backfired when it came to converting the jews themselves, since despite christian propaganda he doesn’t satisfy their prophecies on the subject.
Lando: And why is this scaring him?
Kirby: Probably the look in ‘preacher’s’ eyes.
Sutekh: Who wants to bet this guy isn’t a preacher, and despite the low qualifications isn’t a Chaplain Assistant. Despite the very, very, low qualifications.
Lando: What are they?
Sutekh: They want the job, be of ‘moral’ character, type at least 20 words per minute, possess a valid driver's license, and be willing to bear arms.
All: No bet.
Kirby: Cool, big screen t.v.
Coatl: Sins, or just really embarrassing moments.
Lando: Wait, didn’t this Jesus fellows death absolve everyone of their sins?
Kirby: Shh, the whole religion is based on guilt and fear.
Lando: *squinting* ‘For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.’ So words are more important than actions.
Coatl: Always with the rhetoric, see claiming to be a righteous godfearing person is more important than helping people.
Lando: Did Palpatine write their scripture?
Sutekh: No, good guess though. Each book of scripture was written by someone different, sometimes several someones. The old testament is worse, it was oral history for millenia before it got written down.
Lando: To quote my friend Luke, ‘Hate is the path to the darkside’
Coatl: 5 cents? I would hold out for the cost of a bullet.
Lando: You don’t have any arms.
Coatl: Yeah, but I want equal pay for swallowing
Kirby: That sounds dirty.
Coatl: Thank you.
Lando: Um....What makes this guy so rotten?
Sutekh: Don’t expect cohesive storylines, or characterization
Kirby: God left his throne, I thought God was omnipresent.
Coatl: It’s the rationale for how Jesus dying on the cross was a sacrifice if he was god since sacrificing him to himself seems sort of silly.
Lando: This all seems kind of silly.
Sutekh: Actually it was a cave, it’s been labeled a stable cause it had a hay filled box.
Kirby: Yeah cause the truth is why they would have hated him. Not for treating his mother like shit, being a drunk, telling people to hate their families, cursing cities, trees, among other rather bizarre acts.
Lando: He cursed a tree?
Coatl: For not bearing fruit out of season.
Kirby: I see someone watched Passion of Christ.
Sutekh: Yeah he allowed it to happen, not that he was a man who was no match for roman soldiers for whom brutality was a day job.
Coatl: Have they ever explained why romans are killing him instead of the usual stoning.
Sutekh: *shurgs* anti-roman sentiment I suppose.
Lando: Wait, he made people immortal? And doesn’t that quote contradict his position that Jesus is God?
Sutekh: No humans are still quite mortal, its suppose to be a sacrifice to forgive our sins.
Kirby: See Jack’s ‘Jesus is god’ position is undefendable since if he is god the sacrifice is pointless since he could just forgive them without it.
Lando: Glorified?
Kirby: Gloryholed.
Coatl: He doesn’t mention it but the apostles didn’t recognize him at first, as if he wasn’t the same guy.
Coatl: Yup, the forgiving god won’t forgive you for not kissing his ass while your alive.
Lando: Part of that whole rule through fear thing, I see. This sounds more like Tarkin’s work.
Kirby: What lines? America took over both countries in matters of weeks. There aren’t any lines in a guerilla war against insurgents.
Lando: Um...In the time it took to undo his chin strap and lunge towards the grenade he could have picked it up and chucked it.
Coatl: Wow a part I have no problem with.
Kirby: Though technically no one is ready to die if they’re killed by someone else
Sutekh: That’s a pretty big explosion for a hand grenade.
Lando: Four days? What did he do walk?
Coatl: Isn’t spiritual matters the whole point of the chaplain?
Kirby: Dude is that Scott Dolph?
Coatl: Who?
Sutekh: Commandant of the marine corp in the Metal Gear Solid 2 game, he has a romanian vampire goth boy toy named ahem Vamp.
Kirby: Yeah, I met him at the crossover christmas part last year, he likes him some cock. Though that looks like Sgt. Johnson from Halo.
Coatl: Noble Gesture? Shouldn’t that be Noble Action?
Lando: Not if true to form, words mean more than actions
Kirby: What the fuck is up with the dog and the rat?
Coatl: You know not all faiths require you to go to a theological seminary to become a preacher.
Kirby: What does reading Greek have to do with anything.
Sutekh: Some denominations use Greek language bibles. In some theologic circles its considered a sign you’re well educated to read Ancient Greek.
Lando: What does his actual status as a preacher have to do with his nickname?
Sutekh: This is a chick product, anyone who disagrees with his views on Christ they have to be portrayed as obnoxious assholes, never mind that if he was this much of an asshole he wouldn’t have the position.
Lando: Correct me if I’m wrong but don’t other christians who don’t agree with Jack also believe the bible is true and Jesus is the way to heaven.
Coatl: Actually most christians believe the bible is true, but they don’t agree with everything Jack has to say, so they are going to hell.
Kirby: What an asshole.
Coatl: Yeah, despite christian chaplains being the majority, and that they have to train them in comparative religion so they can work with non-christians, chaplains have to tolerate and aid other religions rather than annoy them or persecute them, and Jack doesn’t hold with tolerance.
Sutekh: Irony being if Jack got his wish and America became a theocracy Catholics are the largest percentage of the christian population and he hates Catholics.
Coatl: Chaplains are trained to aid spiritual matters regardless of faith, they won’t turn anyone away like this.
Kirby: The realistic response, ‘that’s nice son’ or maybe ‘good for you’
Lando: Religious terrorist?
Sutekh: Jack follows a different set of reality than the rest of the world. In his world anyone who disagrees with him must be persecuting him. His characters suffer the same way.
Kirby: Why the hell is he going with them? A Chaplain Assistant goes to the combat zone not the Chaplains.
Coatl: And Chaplains are always officers. They are ministers who are given comparative religion and counseling courses. They give them officer ranks to command respect not because they can give orders.
Lando: Damn he’s short.
Kirby: I bet that ‘respect’ will follow with his death.
Coatl: That’s a pretty big land mine for guys who use 20-50 year old surplus military equipment
Lando: Isn’t Jesus suppose to be sitting at the right hand of the lord?
Kirby: Jack believes they’re one and the same remember, making the sacrifice meaningless.
Sutekh: Either that or Jesus couldn’t measure up either.
Lando: He didn’t seem ashamed of the words, he seemed rather prideful he knew them. What’s the bible quote?
Sutekh and Coatl: ‘For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his Father's, and of the holy angels.’
Kirby: Damn that was creepy...
Lando: Wait doesn’t that line also say once again that Jesus and god are separate beings? If Jesus was God how could he come into ‘his own glory’ since as god he would be the source of glory?
Kirby: It gets better if the divine duo here will stereo the next verse.
Sutekh and Coatl: ‘But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.’
Kirby: *orgasmic* ooooohhh yeeeeeah creep me out some more.
Lando: So he told the apostle guys that the end of the world would come in their life time, how long has it been?
Coatl: Nearly 2000 years.
Lando: And no ones picked up on this?
Sutekh: Oh they have, christians have these guys called apologists who make up excuses for inconvenient parts of the bible. Sometimes by resorting to out and out lying about what stuff means.
Lando: So let me get this straight, this ever loving, forgiving, omniscient, all powerful god who created everybody, condemns people to ‘eternal fire’. Something there makes no sense. I mean if he’s omniscient, he’d know a person was going to hell as soon as he created them, but he creates them to be tortured anyway. That only makes sense if he either isn’t loving, isn’t all powerful or isn’t omniscient.
Sutekh: Welcome to christian theology.
Kirby: The biggest headache till time paradoxes
Sutekh: Look on the bright side, its over. It’s time for final thoughts, Kirby?
Kirby: I’m left with a burning desire to inhale your T.V., yet I’m afraid to do so while it displays Chicks work. Just incase it gives me his brain.
Sutekh: That explains the gloryhole comment, Quetzcoatl?
Coatl: Chicks art looks much the same as it did in the past, with cleaner lines. At least it’s better than the lolicon art of ‘little suzy’.
Sutekh: Hmm, true yet slightly disturbing. Lando?
Lando: I need a Colt 45.
Kirby: The beer.
Lando: No the revolver, the stupidity makes me want to shoot you for making me look at it.
Sutekh: Very enlightening. Well as usual Chick shows his complete distance from reality in his drivel. Tune in next time when I get 3 new victims.
Exit tune: Dragostea Din Tei by O zone
Comments, Questions, flames, suggestions for the next show.
(edited to fix spelling and spacing errors I didn't catch.)