StarDestroyer.Net BBS

This is my first attempt at a fanfic, don't be too harsh . The science isn't perfect, nor is the writing itself. Concept material for the universe can be found in this thread (just the posts I did there, for clarification). I will post the prologue and the first chapter and see how it is received.

===============================================
Prologue
===============================================

In a remote corner of our galaxy lies a star, still young by astronomical standards. Though slightly smaller than our sun, it is equally bright and a healthy yellow. Around it orbits but a single planet at the precise distance required to produce a stable, temperate climate. Its two moons keep the expansive oceans churning and provide ample light to the nocturnal creatures indigenous there. The planet posesses three major continents, all with a significant amount of arboreal terrain.

Several centuries ago, with the advent of expedient interplanetary travel, we humans explored the galaxy, mapping and recording everything of interest they encountered. Colonization of distant worlds picked up and quickly became second nature to our distant ancestors. Soon, a group of colonists arrived at this distant star. They called it "Kartal". It is generally assumed that the planet was given a name as well, however it has been lost in the stormy winds of our history. Thus, the planet is simply known as Kartal Prime.

And so the colonists of Kartal Prime did what they did best: they colonized. They built towns, cities, spaceports; erected towering monuments to civilization; built complex, winding infrastructure. They prospered as trade routes were established under a fledgeling galactic government and soon the planet became a favorite tourist destination.

Luxury resorts were built, cheap tourist attractions made, and tacky souvenir shops founded. Kartal Prime ascended to the status and prestige afforded the megalithic wealths of the galaxy. The now-defined Imperial government established a military outpost on one of the moons where secret weapons research was conducted. Alas, the scientists stationed there quickly succumbed to base human qualities, foremost among them, greed.

At first, the researchers were amazingly succesful, designing many things still in use today: the multi-phased energy shield, the neutron cannon, plasma converters, and a prototype phasing-cloak field generator. As time went on, they became more secretive, insubordinate, and they no longer heeded the orders the of the facility's commander. A mutiny was staged, and the Imperial garrison was eliminated. Word got out to the citizens of Kartal Prime, and they became nervous and requested assistance from the sector's Fleet Admiral. The researchers' cabal then publicly announced they were devising the "ultimate weapon", and brook no aggression or harrasment. Fleet Admiral Zachson (see attached report, file number 43274C) ordered an immediate assault on the facility, an attack which cost the Imperium her 3rd Fleet. The madmen had used their secret technologies to annihilate Zachson's forces. The last transmission ever received from the Kartal system originated from Lt. JG Fazzic (43274D), a pilot who's ship had been incapacitated. His report stated that the scientists had apparantly unleashed their secret weapon in retaliation for the attack.

Unfortunately, we never learned what precisely occured. Scholars have pieced together what little we do know, however most of it is pure speculation. All reconnaisance ships and scanning probes sent to investigate never reported back, and were never located again. We believe the researchers had used their weapon on the star Kartal itself, and caused some disruption in its nuclear reactions. It is evident that their so-called "ultimate weapon" backfired on them, as Fazzic's ship's logs (43274E) revealed that the moon's orbit began to decay. It should have crashed on Kartal Prime some 23 years later, 2557 A.D. We cannot be certain, however, as soon after the incident Kartal's color began to fluctuate and darken to red. It pulsed with excessive amounts of gamma radiation, until finally, all contact was lost. The entire system became shrouded in a black sphere, much like a black hole. We assume it has some type of event horizon, which would explain the loss of all our ships sent there.

Yesterday, however, the entire "black sphere" seems to have disappeared, without a trace. A lost merchant ship stumbled its way into the system, and reported back to a listening post a few light-years away.
Recontanct has been made with the Kartal System.

- Imperial Magistrate Iez Zinzt, Oct. 7 2973 A.D.

===============================================

Chapter 1 in a bit... I'm lazy, so sue me

Hmmmm....

===============================================
Chapter I: Recontact
===============================================

- Oct. 7 2973 A.D. 09:21:32 Galactic Standardized Earth Time (GSET)
Outside Kartal System

Lieutenant Hariyoto "Harry" Lee looked over his screens on the bridge of the Steel-class escort cruiser Adventurous, periodically shouting sensor reports to the captain. "Nothing yet, sir!"

"Keep scanning, Mr. Lee," the captain replied.

"Aye, sir." Lee returned to his screens, which displayed to him particles floating around nearby, radiation levels, light readings from Kartal, and orbital patterns of the planet and its one remaining moon. He saw very little of interest, as usual. Harry watched as the computers tracked another boring asteroid tumble listlessy around Kartal and eventually disappear of the charts. Cripes, this is boring,he thought. As soon as this is over I'm requesting a transfer to a combat vessel. Maybe then I can see some action. The naval officer rested his head in one of his hands while the fingers of the other drummed monotonously against the metal console. It gave off an electronic beep as another asteroid demanded his attention.

Suddenly, the intercom activated and alarms began to wail throughout the ship. The captain's deep, authoritative voice sounded, "All hands to battle stations! We have detected hostile CIRF forces entering the region! I say again, all hands to battle stations!"

Lee jerked alert immediately as his displays were automatically reset to be more useful in a combat situation. The ridiculously boring charts, graphs, and maps disappeared and were replaced by weapon charge readings, shield strength representations and a damage control interface.

"Mr. Lee, target the incoming ship's engines, I want to board it and interogate the officers aboard," the captain told Harry.

"Aye Captain, targeting now," he responded as he calibrated the weapon batteries. The captain shouted orders to the rest of the bridge crew and the neutron cannons began to fire upon the CIRF ship in a blaze of blue light.

The Coalition for Independent Resistance Factions is an anti-Imperial anarchist terrorist alliance formed when resistance leaders realized that small terrorist cells would not stand a chance against the Imperial military. CIRF consists of hundreds of formerly autonomous "freedom fighter" groups that have banded together to harass and destroy Imperial assests. While generally poorly equipped, they pose a threat to Imperial civilians and unarmed supply convoys. And reconnaisance ships.

The gunners in the neutron turrets received their orders to disable the enemy destroyer, and shifted their aim accordingly. Thin bolts of bright blue energy lanced out and impacted on the CIRF ship's shields. The destroyer moved into range and returned fire with its somewhat antiquated weaponry, and while smaller than the Imperial cruiser, it did mount a considerable amount of guns. The weakly shielded Adventurous began to buck against the incoming energy blasts. Harry was rocked in his seat every salvo, and struggled to allocate power to the shields. Oh shit, he realized, we're gonna die. Suddenly boring charts seemed very appealing.

The destroyer's shields held fast, and it moved in to get better shots at the bigger cruiser. Adventurous's shields eventually failed, and neutron bursts impacted on the hull, causing severe damage. Her gunners fought on valiantly, but to little effect. The enemy destroyer was simply to powerful, and the weakening blue blasts ceased to have any effect on the shields.

On the bridge, Lee banged his fists on his malfunctioning control console. As if in protest, the ship rocked and threw him out of his seat. From his new vantage point, Harry saw that fires had sprung up around the bridge and the captain was regaining his feet. Primary power had failed, and the bridge was now dimly lit by both the fires and the red emergency lighting. Half of the bridge crew lay sprawled on the deck, dead or dying. The dying vessel's commander, bloodied but alive, shouted over the intercom, "Attention ship, prepare to... abandon ship." He sounded depressed at having to issue the order, but Lee was all too happy to be able to get off the gutted ship. "Get to your evac pods, and good luck."

Harry started scrambling for the nearest exit hatch when the ship was hit by yet another salvo of explosive energy. He managed to keep his footing, until he was propelled up off the deck and slammed into a bulkhead. To his amazement, he did not land back on the deck, but instead remained suspended in the air. The artificial gravity had been knocked, it seemed. Well that wouldn't stop Lee from getting the hell out of here, damnit!

His fellow crewmen were deftly navigating the zero-g environment, and were heading toward the nearest evac pods. Cursing, Harry tried to keep up with them but he had never quite gotten the hang of zero-g movement. As more explosions created more hull breaches, automatic pressure doors sealed off exposed sections of the ship. Lee clumsily pushed himself into a new corridor and he saw the rest of the bridge crew at the other end. He tried to shout to them but the noise of an explosion prevented him from being heard. The officer tried again, but this time all he heard was the sound of rushing air as the corridor was depressurized by a hit. A neutron blast had opened up the hull where his compatriots had been a second before.

Just as Harry was preparing himself to be sucked out into hard vacuum, a pressure door sealed off right in front of him and he smacked into it at high speed. He heard the crunch of bone and saw globes of red liquid float by. Lee shook his head clear as well as he could and tried to find another route to an evac pod. He managed to reach one without further incident, and finding it to his satisfaction, he clambered in, sealed the pod, and hit the big, red "EVAC" button. The pod catapulted out of the shredded Adventurous. As he was hurtling down to the blue and green planet below, another explosion flashed as the escort cruiser's reactor went critical.

===============================================

Ok, rip it to pieces, disect it, flame it, whatever [/u]

Well, first of all a few nitpicks: an "escort Cruiser" is indeed a combat vessel, so I could presume that Harry Lee is right where he wants to be.

Secondly, a "Destroyer" by definition is much lighter than a Cruiser, so in reality the Cruiser should rule the sky here. Unless, of course, you are intentionally ignoring or re-arranging standard ship classifications. Star Wars did it, after all.

Most importantly, avoid using "expository lumps"; ie, stopping everything to explain what is going on, who/how/what/why, etc. This really stops the flow of entertaining reading and temporarily dumps us into a textbook. Science fiction fans ar pretty patient, we don't need everything explained as we read.

For example, you could just introduce some nice characters that seem sympathetic and show that they are very afraid of what's happening on their moon. This gets the reader wondering. Or some snotty characters that we won't mind seeing killed. They do something stupid close to the moon and get wiped out. Now, the reader is all excited, wondering "what's up with he moon here, anyway?"

Later another character comes along, perhaps Harry Lee, who is ignorant of what goes on and as he slowly gets filled in through character interaction, dialogue, exploration and observation of his own, then the reader picks up on it as well. Slowly introducing pieces of the puzzle to us keeps us strung along-- dumping it all in our laps before we care can make it tedious.

My last criticism, and this is a major one: the Mad Scientist(s) with a Killer Weapon is very, very cliche. It has been done to death and was old when Boris Karloff refined it to a fine art. I'd recommend finding some new angle, perhaps some odd sort of alien invasion, or the opening of a dimensional door, or something new.

Good luck!

Coyote wrote:Well, first of all a few nitpicks: an "escort Cruiser" is indeed a combat vessel, so I could presume that Harry Lee is right where he wants to be.

Secondly, a "Destroyer" by definition is much lighter than a Cruiser, so in reality the Cruiser should rule the sky here. Unless, of course, you are intentionally ignoring or re-arranging standard ship classifications. Star Wars did it, after all.

Most importantly, avoid using "expository lumps"; ie, stopping everything to explain what is going on, who/how/what/why, etc. This really stops the flow of entertaining reading and temporarily dumps us into a textbook. Science fiction fans ar pretty patient, we don't need everything explained as we read.

For example, you could just introduce some nice characters that seem sympathetic and show that they are very afraid of what's happening on their moon. This gets the reader wondering. Or some snotty characters that we won't mind seeing killed. They do something stupid close to the moon and get wiped out. Now, the reader is all excited, wondering "what's up with he moon here, anyway?"

Later another character comes along, perhaps Harry Lee, who is ignorant of what goes on and as he slowly gets filled in through character interaction, dialogue, exploration and observation of his own, then the reader picks up on it as well. Slowly introducing pieces of the puzzle to us keeps us strung along-- dumping it all in our laps before we care can make it tedious.

My last criticism, and this is a major one: the Mad Scientist(s) with a Killer Weapon is very, very cliche. It has been done to death and was old when Boris Karloff refined it to a fine art. I'd recommend finding some new angle, perhaps some odd sort of alien invasion, or the opening of a dimensional door, or something new.

Good luck!

Thanks!

To address some of your concerns:

No, I did not re-arrange ship classifications. However I should have made it clear that the Adventurous was first-and-foremost an exploratory/reconnaisance vessel, not designed for front-line combat.

The problem with only posting the prologue and first chapter is that I really didn't get into the story at all, this is still introductory stuff. The first chapter is very misleading, as the entire story will be revolving around ground combat, specifically a Marine private. Mr. Lee here is just going to be the little lost Navy boy the Marines pick up

Noted, I will try to avoid these info dumps in the future.

Thanks again

I think by definition this isn't a fanfic. You're the owner of this universe not a fan

Crazy_Vasey wrote:I think by definition this isn't a fanfic. You're the owner of this universe not a fan

Bah! I can be a fan of my own universe if I want to be!

===============================================
Chapter II: Swift Retribution
===============================================

- Oct. 8
Imperial Fleet Command, Alpha Centauri

Yurk was furious. His best Science and Exploration vessel ambushed and destroyed by a handful of bottom-feeding, good-for-nothing, disparate scum-bag pirates. Vice Admiral Kyle Yurk had lost a few ships before, but never one so valuable. He'd show those damn rebels. He'd have their heads on pikes.

Kyle yanked open a desk drawer and ripped a form out of it. It read, "Imperial Force Action Requisition Form 23-7A-C," and the blasted things were necessary these days, as even a Fleet Admiral couldn't so much as shoot an offending comet without first filing a request to do so. He scribbled out the various idiotic fields and also requested a regiment of Marines, to assist with securing Kartal Prime. He wasn't about to let those bastard "cirfies" waltz all over the planet and pilfer lost Imperial technology. Yurk thumped a bright read "Urgent!" stamp on the top and gave the cursed thing to some aide so he could get back to fuming over the loss of his precious ship. Fucking bastards.

------------ * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ------------

The form passed through a series of offices to be examined, modified, and mutilated by interns and bereaucrats, after which the Imperial High Council of War briefly examined it, and seeing no harm in smashing some terrorists in a remote corner of the galaxy, granted the request. They assigned Yurk a task force of three cruisers, five destroyers, and the I.S.S. Conflagrator, an aging but still formidable battleship. General Michaelson attached the 122nd Imperial Spaceborne Marines, a veteran unit he knew he could count on.

------------ * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ------------

Colonel Vladimir Krusnovik sat in his cushy office chair, booted feet propped on the fine wood desk. The gray-haired officer never ceased to admire the majestic red dragon emblazoned on the 122nd Regimental Standard, which hung on the wall opposite him. It may be a little ripped up, a little stained, and have several clean holes in it where enemy fire had pierced it, but it was nonetheless magnificent. Vladimir decided that he should probably get back to work filing the latest nonsensical bereaucratic report when a young NCO rushed into the room and handed him a packet of paper.

"Sir! Urgent orders from General Michaelson!" the soldier proclaimed.

The colonel took his feet off the desk and examined the papers. Apparantly the material was confidential, so he sent the aide out and began perusing the orders.

"PREPARE 122ND FOR ORBITAL DROP ON KARTAL PRIME. GATHER MEN, REPORT TO SPACEFIELD 106-A BY 08:00 TOMORROW. DETAILED BRIEFING EN ROUTE."

Well, at least he didn't have to fill out the report. Donning his dress jacket, he headed out the door and down to Captain Robert Tarheim's office. As his second-in-command, he had direct command of B Company, while Krusnovik himself commanded A Company. Rob was in his office, playing "Commando Force Alpha", a game that was currently popular among children throughout the galaxy. At first glance one might think Tarheim to be a childish prankster, but as soon as duty called he became hard as nails. So it was when Vladimir walked in. The captain stood up and gave a crisp salute.

Krusnovik smirked. "At ease, Rob." The captain relaxed. "I've just received orders from ol' Mikey, he wants us on an orbital drop mission in some ass end of space. I want your men suited up and ready to go by 07:30, understood?"

Tarheim replied casually, "Course, sir. Can I ask what particular ass end of space?"

"The Kartal System," the colonel answered.

"Never heard of it." Which was saying something, as the captain was well-versed in astronomy.

------------ * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ----------- * ------------

Trent was enjoying his leave. After the cakewalk on Sansit IV some three weeks ago, he'd taken some vacation time to get aquainted with the local females. The PFC may not be the most veteran man in his platoon, but he deserved some downtime, damnit! At the moment he was slurping up the last drops of his chocolate Liquidator shake at a vendor in Alpha Centauri Station. The brown-haired 19-year-old then noticed a particulary mouth-watering lady walk up to the salesman and order something. He sauntered over to her and asked, "So, uh... you like these shakes, huh? Yep, pretty good." He accentuated the statement with a loud slurp. The woman ignored him and left.

"Ha, she just knows I'm out of her league," he said confidently to himself.

The salesman, overhearing, added, "Oh, yeah, there's no way a gal like her could hook up with you."

Obviously not picking up on the sarcasm, Trent inquired, "Huh?" He threw away the empty cup, shrugged, and wandered off to find something entertaining. Just then he was interupted by the incessant beeping of his comm. Now what? he thought. The marine took it out of a pocket and activated it. "Yeah?" he answered.

"Private? This is Sergeant Backman. Get your ass down to the barracks, we're suitin' up and headin' out tomorrow morning. Backman out." His gruff tone didn't leave much room for argument.

Well shit, Trent silently cursed, just when I'm having a perfect vacation and picking up chicks, we gotta go hop around the galaxy. He stuffed the comm back into a random pocket and headed down to the barracks.

===============================================