This little story is a parody. I'll leave it to curious readers to figure just what it is it parodies and how. First I'd just like to say that if you think that it is a parody of Mr. Skyman's SG/Zelda crossover, you are wrong. Though his thread did sort of inspire me to write down the strange ideas that have been brewing inside my head for the last few months (and to a lesser degree, the last few years) into a story. Also, this is my first piece of fan-fiction; I've only written original stories before (well this story is totally original too, but you know what I mean).
Yep, so here's the first chapter. It's a little short and weird but that's how it's supposed to be
Missing Link
Chapter one
Am I happy?
The sun shone over the field, accompanied by a gentle breeze. Link felt all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw that Malon smiled at him. He could get used to this feeling. Link smiled back at her and waved his hand. The tingly feeling in his stomach got stronger as the redheaded beauty walked up and put her arms around him. This was the girl that he loved, whom he had always loved; and she loved him. He hugged her, closed his eyes and forgot about everything else in the world.
“Link, do you… you know?” Malon whispered.
Link knew perfectly what she meant. He looked into her eyes and smiled. He would do anything for those eyes. She kissed him and they lay down in a soft bed. Her body was so warm. She looked more beautiful than ever before.
“Malon…”
The Queen of Hyrule, Zelda, walked through her huge castle. Ever since that day when she became Queen, she had been quite a busy woman. She had to organise and finance the reconstruction of her land, settle all the petty disputes that cropped up seemingly everywhere; ruling a land was not so easy. But this was what she was destined to do since her birth; it was her duty as the crown princess of Hyrule to one day become the ruler. She had just been to an urgent meeting with the Gorons, who had complaints on their new, Zora-constructed sewage system. Apparently, it would clog up occasionally. Zelda had calmed the Gorons by sending her finest royal engineers to their city, and now she headed for her quarters to get some rest. She opened the large oak door.
Link made a strained noise and sat up in the bed. He was dripping with sweat.
“What the Hell are you doing?” said Zelda with an annoyed voice.
Link looked at her, still a bit tired.
“Sleeping”, he said.
“For someone that’s been sleeping for eight hours, you look awfully exhausted.”
“Dream… Nightmare.” Link explained.
Zelda closed the door she was standing by and continued: “Uh-huh? Could you get up, please? I’ve had a long day already, and it’s not even noon yet. I need to rest.”
Link was a little irritated but did as his wife the Queen wanted. There was no use arguing with her and he was already fully awake now anyway. He put his clothes on and went for the door. Zelda sighed as she lay down in the bed.
“Oh, and Link?” she said. “You need to shave.”
Link walked out through the door and down the hallway. He felt his chin. She wasn’t wrong.
A young Zoran chef named Jepau ran the royal kitchen of Hyrule. His speciality was fish, and in fact that was the only thing which he knew how to cook. Fortunately he had a large array of different ways of cooking fish, all using the different traditions of the Hyrulean cuisine. His “Fresh fish deep-fried in milk” was for instance widely renowned even outside of Hyrule. When Link came into the kitchen, Jepau was in the middle of preparing a vegetarian dish with fish for some visiting Deku Scrub royalty. Link asked him if there was anything to eat, preferably something with no fish. Jepau humorously explained to him, that if Link had a problem with the food, he should try to cook his own. The two of them were actually good friends. Link didn’t really mind eating fish, even though he had eaten it practically every day since Zelda hired Jepau, three years ago.
“Here you go!” said Jepau in his Zoran accent, and threw Link some egg and fish sandwiches.
Link thanked him and went on his way to the courtyard, quickly consuming the delicious meal.
It was truly a wonderful summer's day. The sun was shining brightly and the sky was almost free of clouds. A quiet wind made the courtyard a very pleasant and relaxing place.
“Hey you, Mr. Red-hood guy!”
Link turned around. ‘Mr. Red-hood guy’? That Deku royalty clearly did not know whom he was speaking to. Then again, whom was he speaking to? Many years had passed since Link’s last adventure, and the last world he saved wasn’t even Hyrule. He had made his choices; the Hyruleans had their Hero, and Link wasn’t him anymore. He was ‘Mr. Red-hood guy’…
“You’re one angsty fellow, aren’t you?” It was the Deku Scrub again. While Link was thinking, the Deku had walked up to him and was now pulling Link’s red tunic. Link looked at him.
“Well you have that expression on your face”, the plant-like creature explained, “just like my butler. He’s very angsty indeed, and always making the court miserable. I really should just fire him…”
Link gave him an impatient look.
“Right, right. You don’t care of course. Ugh, I talk too much. You see, my fiancée – that’s her over there.” He pointed at a female Deku Scrub wearing a red scarf, sitting at a table on the castle veranda. “She was eating the chef’s delicious, delicious vegetarian fish, when some sort of animal, perhaps a cat or monkey, came and snatched all her food. Would you be such a gentleman and find this thing for us so that we can punish it?”
Link agreed to do this mostly because he did not have much else to do. There were no cats or monkeys within the castle grounds that he was aware of, so at least he had an excuse to get out to the real world again.
A heavy knocking on the door woke Zelda up from her brief sleep. She got up from the bed and allowed whomever it was to enter. No one did though, so Zelda went for the door to open it and see who it was. The great hallway on the other side was completely empty. There was only the sound of the wind blowing outside the walls. She looked around but Zelda still couldn’t find anyone, so she went back inside and walked to the dressing room. She had to look respectable for the coming audience with a Deku crown prince from a far-away country, and clothes that she had just been sleeping in wouldn’t do. She called for a handmaiden to come and help her put on the delicate but complicated dress.
In a different part of the land, a brutal fight was about to come to a violent end. The trees in the forest were splattered with the blood of one of the combatants. Menacingly, a deadly warrior approached his beaten opponent. He said, in a low tone:
“Kooloo-limpah, Mr. Fairy. Now you shall die!”
