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This little story is a parody. I'll leave it to curious readers to figure just what it is it parodies and how. First I'd just like to say that if you think that it is a parody of Mr. Skyman's SG/Zelda crossover, you are wrong. Though his thread did sort of inspire me to write down the strange ideas that have been brewing inside my head for the last few months (and to a lesser degree, the last few years) into a story. Also, this is my first piece of fan-fiction; I've only written original stories before (well this story is totally original too, but you know what I mean).

Yep, so here's the first chapter. It's a little short and weird but that's how it's supposed to be


Missing Link

Chapter one
Am I happy?

The sun shone over the field, accompanied by a gentle breeze. Link felt all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw that Malon smiled at him. He could get used to this feeling. Link smiled back at her and waved his hand. The tingly feeling in his stomach got stronger as the redheaded beauty walked up and put her arms around him. This was the girl that he loved, whom he had always loved; and she loved him. He hugged her, closed his eyes and forgot about everything else in the world.
“Link, do you… you know?” Malon whispered.
Link knew perfectly what she meant. He looked into her eyes and smiled. He would do anything for those eyes. She kissed him and they lay down in a soft bed. Her body was so warm. She looked more beautiful than ever before.
“Malon…”

The Queen of Hyrule, Zelda, walked through her huge castle. Ever since that day when she became Queen, she had been quite a busy woman. She had to organise and finance the reconstruction of her land, settle all the petty disputes that cropped up seemingly everywhere; ruling a land was not so easy. But this was what she was destined to do since her birth; it was her duty as the crown princess of Hyrule to one day become the ruler. She had just been to an urgent meeting with the Gorons, who had complaints on their new, Zora-constructed sewage system. Apparently, it would clog up occasionally. Zelda had calmed the Gorons by sending her finest royal engineers to their city, and now she headed for her quarters to get some rest. She opened the large oak door.

Link made a strained noise and sat up in the bed. He was dripping with sweat.
“What the Hell are you doing?” said Zelda with an annoyed voice.
Link looked at her, still a bit tired.
“Sleeping”, he said.
“For someone that’s been sleeping for eight hours, you look awfully exhausted.”
“Dream… Nightmare.” Link explained.
Zelda closed the door she was standing by and continued: “Uh-huh? Could you get up, please? I’ve had a long day already, and it’s not even noon yet. I need to rest.”
Link was a little irritated but did as his wife the Queen wanted. There was no use arguing with her and he was already fully awake now anyway. He put his clothes on and went for the door. Zelda sighed as she lay down in the bed.
“Oh, and Link?” she said. “You need to shave.”
Link walked out through the door and down the hallway. He felt his chin. She wasn’t wrong.

A young Zoran chef named Jepau ran the royal kitchen of Hyrule. His speciality was fish, and in fact that was the only thing which he knew how to cook. Fortunately he had a large array of different ways of cooking fish, all using the different traditions of the Hyrulean cuisine. His “Fresh fish deep-fried in milk” was for instance widely renowned even outside of Hyrule. When Link came into the kitchen, Jepau was in the middle of preparing a vegetarian dish with fish for some visiting Deku Scrub royalty. Link asked him if there was anything to eat, preferably something with no fish. Jepau humorously explained to him, that if Link had a problem with the food, he should try to cook his own. The two of them were actually good friends. Link didn’t really mind eating fish, even though he had eaten it practically every day since Zelda hired Jepau, three years ago.
“Here you go!” said Jepau in his Zoran accent, and threw Link some egg and fish sandwiches.
Link thanked him and went on his way to the courtyard, quickly consuming the delicious meal.

It was truly a wonderful summer's day. The sun was shining brightly and the sky was almost free of clouds. A quiet wind made the courtyard a very pleasant and relaxing place.
“Hey you, Mr. Red-hood guy!”
Link turned around. ‘Mr. Red-hood guy’? That Deku royalty clearly did not know whom he was speaking to. Then again, whom was he speaking to? Many years had passed since Link’s last adventure, and the last world he saved wasn’t even Hyrule. He had made his choices; the Hyruleans had their Hero, and Link wasn’t him anymore. He was ‘Mr. Red-hood guy’…
“You’re one angsty fellow, aren’t you?” It was the Deku Scrub again. While Link was thinking, the Deku had walked up to him and was now pulling Link’s red tunic. Link looked at him.
“Well you have that expression on your face”, the plant-like creature explained, “just like my butler. He’s very angsty indeed, and always making the court miserable. I really should just fire him…”
Link gave him an impatient look.
“Right, right. You don’t care of course. Ugh, I talk too much. You see, my fiancée – that’s her over there.” He pointed at a female Deku Scrub wearing a red scarf, sitting at a table on the castle veranda. “She was eating the chef’s delicious, delicious vegetarian fish, when some sort of animal, perhaps a cat or monkey, came and snatched all her food. Would you be such a gentleman and find this thing for us so that we can punish it?”
Link agreed to do this mostly because he did not have much else to do. There were no cats or monkeys within the castle grounds that he was aware of, so at least he had an excuse to get out to the real world again.

A heavy knocking on the door woke Zelda up from her brief sleep. She got up from the bed and allowed whomever it was to enter. No one did though, so Zelda went for the door to open it and see who it was. The great hallway on the other side was completely empty. There was only the sound of the wind blowing outside the walls. She looked around but Zelda still couldn’t find anyone, so she went back inside and walked to the dressing room. She had to look respectable for the coming audience with a Deku crown prince from a far-away country, and clothes that she had just been sleeping in wouldn’t do. She called for a handmaiden to come and help her put on the delicate but complicated dress.

In a different part of the land, a brutal fight was about to come to a violent end. The trees in the forest were splattered with the blood of one of the combatants. Menacingly, a deadly warrior approached his beaten opponent. He said, in a low tone:
“Kooloo-limpah, Mr. Fairy. Now you shall die!”

You're not parodying me? Dang... (-;

Seeing Tingle getting maimed and slaughtered is always a treat though.

EDIT: "Mr. Skyman"? I like the sound of that.

Sadly, this is the sort of thing that comprises 90% of the stuff on fanfiction.net, except it's not parody.

Link with stubble is just all sorts of funny.

Indeed

Darth Yoshi wrote:Sadly, this is the sort of thing that comprises 90% of the stuff on fanfiction.net, except it's not parody.

Ugh, do you have any idea how many times I wanted to gouge my eyes out while... researching? Finally, I decided against making Link a studdering moron in a thinly veiled high school drama

skyman8081 wrote:Seeing Tingle getting maimed and slaughtered is always a treat though.

Heh heh heh!!

Here's the next chapter. I call it "Chapter two". As you will notice, different parts of this story takes place in different times. I'm just mentioning it now in case you start feeling a bit lost (even though that's partly the idea)...



Chapter two
What is happiness… really?

“You’re leaving this land of Hyrule, aren’t you?”
Those were the words of princess Zelda. She was right, of course. There was nothing more for Link to do in this land. After the defeat of the Evil King Ganondorf, Zelda had turned Link back into a child, so he could regain those seven years lost to him while hibernating within the Temple of Light. But Zelda herself, and everyone else Link knew remained as adults. There was only one that could remember who he really was, and after some time, Link knew that he needed to find this old friend. Zelda gave him the mysterious Ocarina of Time to help him on his journey.

However, before Link found his friend, a series of unlikely events transpired and he found himself saving a strange, yet familiar world. Everyone in it seemed to remind him of people he met during his time in Hyrule, yet they were at the same time completely different. But they all had one big problem: The moon was about to fall down! The cause of this was a Skullkid, under the influence of an evil mask. With the help of the Ocarina of Time, and a strange Mask Salesman, indeed the very same salesman Link had met in Hyrule seven years earlier, Link managed to save this land called Termina.

Link had saved the world but he had not found any real friends. As far as anyone in that world knew, he had come from nowhere and saved them in a mere three days. So Link embarked on another journey. He left Termina, and expected to return to the Lost Woods, from where he came. Apparently whatever goddess it is that rules over fate had something special planned for Link, for he was sent trough a strange tunnel that ended in the mysterious land of Calrovia. Although at first he tried to find a way back, Link remained in this land until he had become twenty-one years of age. Before he knew it, he found himself doing precisely what princess Zelda had wanted him to; growing up into an adult, the way he was supposed to. Eventually he even found new friends.

But one day, as he was roaming the countryside, he felt a strong and odd wind. The world around him started behaving in unnatural ways, bending and folding, and structures of impossible geometry materialised out of nowhere. As the world transformed before his eyes, a strange voice echoed:
“Link! Link, listen to me! There is someone. In your home of Hyrule there is someone waiting for you. So please, Link, get out of my land!”
A blue light covered the strange landscape and it transformed again. Link found himself outside the once familiar gates to Hyrule’s castle town. The place was now repaired though, and not the way it was when he left, all those years ago. He walked inside.

* * *

The Moderately Great Deku Tree Sprout looked sceptically at the green-clad figure with the sword.
“You killed Mido, the leader of my forest children”, he said, “tell me why I should not turn you into compost.”
“Great Sprout, as you know, I am here for a reason. Your servant, I killed him because he did not let me enter this forest.”
“I know your reason very well, and had it not been for these strange times, I would have had you dead as soon as you entered the Lost Woods.” The living tree let three vines fall down and catch the little man, who in his vain struggles to get loose dropped his sword. The Deku Tree continued:
“But I may have a use for you. Several years ago, we of the forest lived in peace with the rest of the Hyruleans. But recently, they have begun destroying and tearing down my trees! They use them for fuel for their fires and to build big houses, but do they not know that these trees are sacred? They are alive; they are my friends! And the children of the forest feel it also! They feel the deaths of the trees and they get weaker and weaker.”
The tree was now very upset. He calmed himself and regained his senses. His captive listened, what else could he do?
“It has to stop. But my children cannot leave this forest, or they would die. Therefore I need someone such as yourself to do this for me. You must make an example of the leader of the land. It is a grave task, and I do not take it lightly, for the relation between the forest and the Royal family of Hyrule was once very good. Alas, how times change!” Another vine came down and wiped what appeared to be a tear from the Tree’s face. It spoke again:
“I shall assign you with an assistant in this task. She too has become very disillusioned with the new Hyrulean leadership lately. Her name is Navi.”
The Deku Tree let the green man down on the ground and out from the forest came a blue little fairy. The man was very fascinated by it.
“What is your name, stranger?” asked the Tree.
“Tingle. Tingle is my name.”
“Good”, the Tree said, “Navi, go with Tingle. Once again the fate of the forest depends upon you.”
Navi nodded and she flew in under Tingle’s hood. Tingle picked up his sword and with a sinister smile he left.

Tingle found that the fields of Hyrule were even greater than he had heard, much greater than the fields of his homeland Termina. Navi guided him, but the trip to the castle would take several days at the least. That didn’t bother the thirty-nine year old fairy enthusiast the slightest. He was used to travelling far distances. In his homeland he did it for his father, who used to be a great explorer. He drew him maps over the places he visited. One time he had sold some of his maps to an adventurer. It was a boy, green-clad just like Tingle himself, but he had a fairy. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so fascinated by the boy’s fairy, Tingle would have been able to prevent him from doing that horrible thing he did. But now the deed was done, and Tingle recalled the reason why he finally succeeded in reaching the fabled land only the Four knew about. Revenge. Mr. Fairy would pay for the grief that he had caused.

* * *

The last of the three Royal Engineers climbed up from the zora-constructed sewer.
“That’s one smelly sewer pipe. I thought these rock-eaters only ate… well rocks”, he said.
“Indeed they do. Maybe they’ve got parasites…” said another.
“I haven’t ever heard of any parasites that eat petrified shit”, said the third.
“Well if they ate shit then they wouldn’t exactly be parasites, would they?” the second one replied.
“No, they’d be…”
“Guys!” the first one had noticed something. “Cut it out! One of them’s coming this way.”
It was the Master Technician of the Goron City that was approaching. He wondered if they had found the problem and if they could repair it. The head engineer said to him:
“We found a large pile of half-digested rocks a bit down the pipe. I don’t know if the zoras really had the goron physiology in mind when they designed this system.”
“Really-goro?” the goron said. “We’re going to tell the Queen about this-goro!”
“I don’t think there’s much she can do. She’s a very busy person, you should go directly to the zoras.”
“Harumph-goro! Those zora people, they are too proud of themselves. Even though it was we Gorons that freed them from their icy prison-goro!”
“Yes we all know that. You are free to do as you want, I’m just saying that you’ll get results faster if you go directly to them. There is nothing more we can do here now, so… Good day, sir goron!”
The Royal Engineers of Hyrule bowed and left. The goron closed the entrance to the sewer and went back to Goron City.

In the city, there were a few gorons that were especially interested in what the technician had to say about the sewer. He told them what he knew of the situation and that they were probably going to need some of the special crop to clean it all up again. These gorons were actually members of the so-called “Goron Army of Resistance Fighters”. Over the years they had become fed-up with the perceived abuse of the goron race by the other Hyruleans. They saw this sewer problem as the last drop; something radical had to be done! Of course, the technician, and many other gorons with him, knew nothing of this extremist group, since they were a secret organisation. They had to be, as their ideas would have granted them a one-way trip to the Dodongo cavern to dig for edible rocks.

The leader of GARF, when he heard that the humans would not fix their sewer decided that the time had come. He selected the three most able loyalists and told them about the situation:
“The others have oppressed us long enough-goro! I have selected you to do this task, because you are the bravest of the brave. It will not be easy and come with a great price, but if… no, when you succeed, you will have achieved greater glory for the goron people and race-goro.”
He told them what they had to do and gave them all a bomb flower each and sent them on their mission.
“I will tell your families about your great sacrifice! Goro!”

The three gorons marched down the Death Mountain trail that led from the goron capital to the idyllic little village of Kakariko. This was also their target. When the village was in sight, they lit their bomb flowers, swallowed them, curled up, and with goron war-screams they rolled down the sloping trail.

One of the gorons exploded on the village gate, destroying it and also letting the other two through. Iron spikes were thrown through the air and impaled an unsuspecting bystander. The second goron managed to roll into the village’s great windmill, causing it to fall on the houses below as his payload detonated. The last goron bounced on a rooftop and after a long flight landed on a grave. An earth-shattering boom shook the whole graveyard and fragments flew far from the explosion. Where the tombstone once stood there was now a huge gaping hole.

In the great confusion following the attack, no one had time to seal off the opened grave and the dead one that was imprisoned within noticed this. Once night fell, he managed to escape. With a murmuring laughter he crept into the soft darkness of the sleeping village, eager to once again feel the presence of the living.

I like where this is going.

This fic seems to be leading into Twilight Princess a little bit with the Gorons becoming the enemy.

But I never would have pegged Tingle as the enemy, good work.