Here are some "actual maintenance complaints" submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = problem; (S) = solution.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Pilots Vs. Ground Crew: Funny Stuff
Moderator: Edi
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Stormtrooper THX-1138
- Youngling
- Posts: 59
- Joined: 2002-09-19 09:05pm
- Location: Florida
Pilots Vs. Ground Crew: Funny Stuff
"Look, Sir ! Droids !"
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Stormtrooper THX-1138
- Youngling
- Posts: 59
- Joined: 2002-09-19 09:05pm
- Location: Florida
Here's another set of good ones; warning labels this time
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
"Look, Sir ! Droids !"
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Enlightenment
- Moderator Emeritus
- Posts: 2404
- Joined: 2002-07-04 07:38pm
- Location: Annoying nationalist twits since 1990
Re: Here's another set of good ones; warning labels this tim
The latter statement doesn't seem that far out of line given the traffic cone and hot pie incidents...Stormtrooper THX-1138 wrote: On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
It's not my place in life to make people happy. Don't talk to me unless you're prepared to watch me slaughter cows you hold sacred. Don't talk to me unless you're prepared to have your basic assumptions challenged. If you want bunnies in light, talk to someone else.
-
Sea Skimmer
- Yankee Capitalist Air Pirate
- Posts: 37390
- Joined: 2002-07-03 11:49pm
- Location: Passchendaele City, HAB
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks
like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation.
Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares
bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside"
and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. One has Foot & Mouth Disease, the other has Mad Cow disease. You shoot them both, burn their carcasses and bury the remains.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. You dismantle your fences, thinking no-one will steal your cows. Both cows wander away, one to Australia, one to Singapore.
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks
like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation.
Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares
bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside"
and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. One has Foot & Mouth Disease, the other has Mad Cow disease. You shoot them both, burn their carcasses and bury the remains.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. You dismantle your fences, thinking no-one will steal your cows. Both cows wander away, one to Australia, one to Singapore.
"This cult of special forces is as sensible as to form a Royal Corps of Tree Climbers and say that no soldier who does not wear its green hat with a bunch of oak leaves stuck in it should be expected to climb a tree"
— Field Marshal William Slim 1956
— Field Marshal William Slim 1956
Damn I have two that are pretty funny, but I can't really remember them that well and I am afraid that I will fuck them up... Oh well if I do I am sure someone will correct me! 
The first one (true, verified in 2 different publications) is a conversation between a British airways pilot, and a Frankfut (spell?) air controler.
The Frankfut air control, likes to run a tight ship (sort to speak), being on of the busyier airports they tend to be a rude lot to pilots who don't know where to go;
BA: Flight # requesting permission to land.
FAC: Flight # permission granted on runway #.
BA: FAC could you please repeat that?
FAC: Flight # permissing granted on runway #.
BA: FAC, is that the East or West? North or South?
FAC: East, Flight # haven't you ever been to Frankfut before?
BA: Once in 1945, but I didn't stop to say hi!
The second (possibly just myth) takes place between a US convoy and a Canadian, well you'll see!
US: Unidentified radar contact, we have you on our screen. Change course 15 degrees East to avoid collision.
CAN: Negative, suggest you change course 45 degrees West to avoid collision.
US: Unidentified radar contact, this is the US aircraft carrier #, with a destroyer screen. Suggest you alter course immediatly or hostile action will be taken.
CAN: US naval battle group; this is a lighthouse. Your call.
It's a shame I can't find the original quotes, but you guys get the idea!
The first one (true, verified in 2 different publications) is a conversation between a British airways pilot, and a Frankfut (spell?) air controler.
The Frankfut air control, likes to run a tight ship (sort to speak), being on of the busyier airports they tend to be a rude lot to pilots who don't know where to go;
BA: Flight # requesting permission to land.
FAC: Flight # permission granted on runway #.
BA: FAC could you please repeat that?
FAC: Flight # permissing granted on runway #.
BA: FAC, is that the East or West? North or South?
FAC: East, Flight # haven't you ever been to Frankfut before?
BA: Once in 1945, but I didn't stop to say hi!
The second (possibly just myth) takes place between a US convoy and a Canadian, well you'll see!
US: Unidentified radar contact, we have you on our screen. Change course 15 degrees East to avoid collision.
CAN: Negative, suggest you change course 45 degrees West to avoid collision.
US: Unidentified radar contact, this is the US aircraft carrier #, with a destroyer screen. Suggest you alter course immediatly or hostile action will be taken.
CAN: US naval battle group; this is a lighthouse. Your call.
It's a shame I can't find the original quotes, but you guys get the idea!
Η ζωή, η ζωή εδω τελειώνει!
"Science is one cold-hearted bitch with a 14" strap-on" - Masuka 'Dexter'
"Angela is not the woman you think she is Gabriel, she's done terrible things"
"So have I, and I'm going to do them all to you." - Sylar to Arthur 'Heroes'
-
Sea Skimmer
- Yankee Capitalist Air Pirate
- Posts: 37390
- Joined: 2002-07-03 11:49pm
- Location: Passchendaele City, HAB
Your second one is a myth, I've seen it with three different locations given, both pacific and North Atlantic. The wording isn't right for a radio message, especially the spew about the composition and threat of force. Basically bullshit, but amusing bullshit. I have the full thing.Crown wrote:Damn I have two that are pretty funny, but I can't really remember them that well and I am afraid that I will fuck them up... Oh well if I do I am sure someone will correct me!
The first one (true, verified in 2 different publications) is a conversation between a British airways pilot, and a Frankfut (spell?) air controler.
The Frankfut air control, likes to run a tight ship (sort to speak), being on of the busyier airports they tend to be a rude lot to pilots who don't know where to go;
BA: Flight # requesting permission to land.
FAC: Flight # permission granted on runway #.
BA: FAC could you please repeat that?
FAC: Flight # permissing granted on runway #.
BA: FAC, is that the East or West? North or South?
FAC: East, Flight # haven't you ever been to Frankfut before?
BA: Once in 1945, but I didn't stop to say hi!
The second (possibly just myth) takes place between a US convoy and a Canadian, well you'll see!
US: Unidentified radar contact, we have you on our screen. Change course 15 degrees East to avoid collision.
CAN: Negative, suggest you change course 45 degrees West to avoid collision.
US: Unidentified radar contact, this is the US aircraft carrier #, with a destroyer screen. Suggest you alter course immediatly or hostile action will be taken.
CAN: US naval battle group; this is a lighthouse. Your call.
It's a shame I can't find the original quotes, but you guys get the idea!
######################################
"Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
"Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
"Americans: This is the captain of a U. S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
"Canadians: No, I say again you divert your course.
"Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second-largest aircraft carrier in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
"Canadians: This is a lighthouse...your call."
######################################
There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globe-master's intentions were. It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and announced, "I'm going to eat you."
######################################
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat
######################################
Military Bravery
One day, a general of the Army, an Admiral, and an Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.
So the Admiral yells to a passing Sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."
The Army General says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The Private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The Army General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the Air Force General takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Air Force General turns to the others and`says, "Gentlemen, that took balls."
######################################
Which service has the dumbest officers and the smartest conscripts?
In the Army, the general sits in his bunker, pointing at a map where his soldiers have to go. The soldiers then slug through the mud, through minefields untill they are killed or achieve victory.
In the Navy, the officer sits on the same ship as the enlisted men. While the Captain enjoys his cigar in the ops room, he sais where the ship has to sail and when to attack. The sailors then have their ears pounded by the sound of the cannon, haul around with far-too heavy loads, and are lucky if the only accident they run into is bashing their head against a bulkhead. Things are fairer here though. If the ship sinks, not just the crewmembers but the officers drown as well.
And then, the airforce.
Here, the conscripts ready the plane for their officer. The officer then takes off to fight, while the enlisted men are off to the bar to drink their beers.
######################################
A German fighter pilot is making constant jokes on the Army on a cocktail party, finally an army general asks him:
"You've got something against the army?"
The fighter pilot:
"Yes, Sir. Napalm!"
######################################
Airline captain to Clearance Delivery:
- XXX1184 to Boston, and we're a DC-9 today!
Clearance Delivery:
- Roger, cleared to Boston via etc.etc. ....and we'll change the Boeing 737 to a DC-9.
Unidentified pilot:
- Clearance, while you're at it, could you change this Cherokee to a Learjet?
######################################
- Voodo flight, expect a re-route in five minutes....
- Why?
- There is a lot of traffic between you and your destination, we'll have to bring you around.
- In how many minutes again?
- Four minutes.
- OK, expect a radio failure in three minutes!
######################################
Little boy to airline pilot:
- You're a pilot! That must be exciting?
- Well, not if I do it right.
######################################
Last words on the CVR
While flying through the mountains, the last words of a Spanish airline pilot heard on the cockpit voice recorder in response to an audible warning in English from the aircraft safety devices saying: ("Altitude....Altitude....)
"Shut up, Gringo."
"This cult of special forces is as sensible as to form a Royal Corps of Tree Climbers and say that no soldier who does not wear its green hat with a bunch of oak leaves stuck in it should be expected to climb a tree"
— Field Marshal William Slim 1956
— Field Marshal William Slim 1956
Yeah I thought it was a myth, but funny none the less for it!
Η ζωή, η ζωή εδω τελειώνει!
"Science is one cold-hearted bitch with a 14" strap-on" - Masuka 'Dexter'
"Angela is not the woman you think she is Gabriel, she's done terrible things"
"So have I, and I'm going to do them all to you." - Sylar to Arthur 'Heroes'
Old, old story...
A USAF transport makes a stop at a field in the Aleutian Islands on a cold, dreadful night. As they sit on the tarmac the aircraft commander gets increasingly pissy at the lengh of time it's taking the ground crew to service the aircraft. One airman in particular is singled out for his fury - the guy draining the transport's toilets, When he finally completes his task the AC confronts the unfortunate airman and has a bit of a vent, concluding with the not-so-veiled threat that he'll pull some strings to punish the airman severely for his tardiness.
The airman calmly replies:
"Sir, I have one stripe, I'm stationed in the Aleutians and I'm pumping shit out of airplanes. What on earth can you do to me?"
Truth? Myth? Anybody?
A USAF transport makes a stop at a field in the Aleutian Islands on a cold, dreadful night. As they sit on the tarmac the aircraft commander gets increasingly pissy at the lengh of time it's taking the ground crew to service the aircraft. One airman in particular is singled out for his fury - the guy draining the transport's toilets, When he finally completes his task the AC confronts the unfortunate airman and has a bit of a vent, concluding with the not-so-veiled threat that he'll pull some strings to punish the airman severely for his tardiness.
The airman calmly replies:
"Sir, I have one stripe, I'm stationed in the Aleutians and I'm pumping shit out of airplanes. What on earth can you do to me?"
Truth? Myth? Anybody?
"Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!" - Professor Farnsworth
While taking a walk around an aircraft carrier's hangar, the captain of the ship noticed a member of the crew spitting on the floor. Irritated, the captain walked over to the man and demanded, "Do you spit on your floor at home?"
"No sir, the young man replied. "But I don't land planes on my roof, either."
"No sir, the young man replied. "But I don't land planes on my roof, either."
JADAFETWA