horror film wisdom

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2004-04-15 07:54am

When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If you're running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
hen something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload).
If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2004-04-15 08:38am

Enforcer Talen wrote: Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

Don't forget "any small town in Massachusetts, especially if it's called Innsmouth".

(not horror film wisdom per se, though the movie Dagon was set in the Spanish village of Imboca, which basically is a Mediterranean version of Innsmouth)

More horror wisdom from Lovecraft:

If somebody looks like a monster, he most likely is a monster.

There's usually a reason why some sleepy villages are avoided by tourists despite the beautiful scenery.

There are books which turn the reader insane despite not being the Bible or written by John Norman.

The insane are the truly sane.

If you hear the sound "Tekeli-Li", there is only one thing to do: [Bruce Dickinson] Run for the hills, run for your liiiiiiiiiiiiiives! [/Bruce Dickinson]

Old drunkards always tell the truth.

Every self-respecting university has a collection of spellbooks.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 02:15am

It's made from people!!!!

sorry had to say that....

If some wierd drunk/witch/old black guy takes a liking to your son/daughter, the kid is the prophsized reincarnation of some super witch/voodoo priest, or has strange powers.......

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2004-04-16 02:23am

I prefer this version. Check out the rest of the site too, he has some great Wars/Trek humor.

Post by **haas mark** » 2004-04-16 02:27am

ET, how do you explain Georgie in IT or Gage in King's other story (Pet Sematery?)?

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 02:33am

Also Cats are evil, and other monster's refuse to kill them, though dogs will beaten/converted. (exception Pet sematary)

Sarevok · Post by **Sarevok** » 2004-04-16 02:41am

Rogue 9 wrote:I prefer this version. Check out the rest of the site too, he has some great Wars/Trek humor.

I like it !

wautd · Post by **wautd** » 2004-04-16 02:58am

You forgot one of the most important things in horror movies:

when trying to escape, its almost impossible to start a car, so dont bother

Dargos · Post by **Dargos** » 2004-04-16 03:04am

verilon wrote:ET, how do you explain Georgie in IT or Gage in King's other story (Pet Sematery?)?

Gage doesn't really count. He was run over and killed by a Tractor trailer and then turned into the "Monster"after being buried in the "Sematery".

IT havn't seen or read.

Post by **haas mark** » 2004-04-16 03:17am

Dargos wrote:
verilon wrote:ET, how do you explain Georgie in IT or Gage in King's other story (Pet Sematery?)?
Gage doesn't really count. He was run over and killed by a Tractor trailer and then turned into the "Monster"after being buried in the "Sematery".

IT havn't seen or read.

Georgie is the first death in IT.

And IIRC, King has a thing for killing kids (read: Insomnia and Needful Things) - going against the grain, if you will.

Post by **haas mark** » 2004-04-16 03:18am

wautd wrote:You forgot one of the most important things in horror movies:

when trying to escape, its almost impossible to start a car, so dont bother

hen something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

No, he didn't.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 03:24am

Also on places to avoid...

Rundown Motels/service stations, or any town full of Rednecks (TCM, Motel Hell, Psycho, Idenity, CAbin Fever, House of !000 corpses, Deliverance, Mother's Day, Wrong Turn etc.)

Never visit/move to a town named after a demon, or native american canaible Spirit (Note having spent two years of my life in Windigo Oregon I can tell you that one applies to real life as well)

Post by **haas mark** » 2004-04-16 03:27am

If it involves a large building and staying there over the winter, don't agree to it. Reference, The Shining.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 03:35am

If you parents put you or your sibling's up for adoption, or moved away from some small town before you were born. They did so for a reason. If you have a twin they will ommit murders and leave the bodies for you to clean up. What ever you do, NEVER go to the family estate to collect an inhaiatance.

If your visting the town im Europe your ancestors came from, do not be suprised if the locals are hostile, if all of you family's graves have been disintered and the ashes scattered, leave immedatly or shoot your self.

General Zod · Post by **General Zod** » 2004-04-16 12:23pm

Never try having sex with the hot chick. She'll inevitably turn out to be a zombie after your brains, a vampire out to drain your blood or an alien out to give you an anal probe. admittedly these may not be so bad from a really hot chick, but it's recommended you avoid going after the hot ones until you're certain the weird stuff is over.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 12:48pm

when facing monsters/zombies/vampires/aliens/homocidal maniacs/sewer rats from stevben king.

The goal is to do as much trauma to as much of there bodies as possible. follow the examples of Bruce Cambell a double barreled sawed off shotgun is your best freind. especially if paired with mexican revolutionary style bandelleer belts. Even using bullet time effects they can't stop it....

CDiehl · Post by **CDiehl** » 2004-04-16 01:16pm

When travelling, stick to major cities and main roads. Little villages, while quaint, far too often harbor horrific secrets best left alone.

If the chance to inherit millions hinges on doing anything with a creepy mansion but selling it off, pass it up. No amount of money is worth your life or your sanity, so let your distant cousins deal with it.

If someone tells you not to open a certain door in his home, no matter how curious you might be, turn around and walk out. Then head for the nearest ocean, cross it and start a new life in a major city of another country. You might have to learn a new language, but it beats dealing with whatever is in that room.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2004-04-16 01:56pm

You can add, "Crystal Lake" to that list.

BlkbrryTheGreat · Post by **BlkbrryTheGreat** » 2004-04-16 02:01pm

What the hell is Nilbog?

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-04-16 02:07pm

If loaw on bullets, dont use the last ones for you and your freinds/lovers. Use them on the monsters, then turn the gun aroiund and start coldcockin' em with the butt of the gun. Make them sing for their supper.

Not so much wisdum, but some advise anyway.

General Zod · Post by **General Zod** » 2004-04-16 02:08pm

BlkbrryTheGreat wrote:What the hell is Nilbog?

Nibolg. ph34r my 1337 g00g13 sk1llz!

wautd · Post by **wautd** » 2004-04-16 02:17pm

verilon wrote:
wautd wrote:You forgot one of the most important things in horror movies:

when trying to escape, its almost impossible to start a car, so dont bother

hen something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
No, he didn't.

/me stands corrected

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-04-16 03:08pm

Never investigate an abandoned archeological dig.

And museums are no place to horse around, not if you want to keep your soul.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2004-04-16 04:47pm

The Yosemite Bear wrote:any town full of Rednecks (TCM, Motel Hell, Psycho, Idenity, CAbin Fever, House of !000 corpses, Deliverance, Mother's Day, Wrong Turn etc.)

Dunwich, anyone?

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2004-04-16 06:38pm

If your girlfriend is hot, give it up, you don't stand a chance againts the Vampires, Mummy's, Elder Gods and other things just as evil... (The Mummy, Dracula, Rocky Horror....)

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