The first three were taken from the Praire Home Companion Annual Joke Show.
Did you know they're taking out all the K-Marts in Iraq? They're being replaced with Targets.
What will the authorities do if Michael Jackson molests another child? Give him his own parish, of course.
Isn't the US great? In what other nation can even the President dream of being elected President?
And now, the WORST JOKE EVER:
Two Mexican policemen are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzolez. After examining the body, one of the policemen says, "This man was killed by a golf gun." His partner asks what a golf gun is, to which he replies "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
Couple of Jokes
Moderator: Edi
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HemlockGrey
- Fucking Awesome
- Posts: 13834
- Joined: 2002-07-04 03:21pm
Couple of Jokes
Last edited by HemlockGrey on 2004-04-22 07:17pm, edited 1 time in total.
The End of Suburbia
"If more cars are inevitable, must there not be roads for them to run on?"
-Robert Moses
"The Wire" is the best show in the history of television. Watch it today.
"If more cars are inevitable, must there not be roads for them to run on?"
-Robert Moses
"The Wire" is the best show in the history of television. Watch it today.
You think that was bad?
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "It sure is heating up in here."
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "It sure is heating up in here."
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"
DPDarkPrimus is my boyfriend!
SDNW4 Nation: The Refuge And, on Nova Terra, Al-Stan the Totally and Completely Honest and Legitimate Weapons Dealer and Used Starship Salesman slept on a bed made of money, with a blaster under his pillow and his sombrero pulled over his face. This is to say, he slept very well indeed.
SDNW4 Nation: The Refuge And, on Nova Terra, Al-Stan the Totally and Completely Honest and Legitimate Weapons Dealer and Used Starship Salesman slept on a bed made of money, with a blaster under his pillow and his sombrero pulled over his face. This is to say, he slept very well indeed.
What do zombie vegetarians eat?
....GRAAAAAAAAAINS.......
What do zombies in Denmark eat?
.....DAAAAAANES....
What do zombie plumbers unclog?
....DRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS....
....GRAAAAAAAAAINS.......
What do zombies in Denmark eat?
.....DAAAAAANES....
What do zombie plumbers unclog?
....DRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS....
BoTM / JL / MM / HAB / VRWC / Horseman
I'm studying for the CPA exam. Have a nice summer, and if you're down just sit back and realize that Joe is off somewhere, doing much worse than you are.
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Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi
- What Kind of Username is That?
- Posts: 9254
- Joined: 2002-07-10 08:53pm
- Location: Back in PA
I can't make up a sick joke of my own, so I'll steal the L.A math test Snopes had posted:
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Now, a sick and demented joke I made up.
Why do male actors in Hollywood do nude scenes?
So viewers can tell the Jews from the Scientologists!
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Now, a sick and demented joke I made up.
Why do male actors in Hollywood do nude scenes?
So viewers can tell the Jews from the Scientologists!
Last edited by Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi on 2004-04-18 05:41pm, edited 1 time in total.
BotM: Just another monkey|HAB
Amateurs. THIS is the worst joke ever, bar none:Mayabird wrote:You think that was bad?
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "It sure is heating up in here."
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"
How many dirty, stinking apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One dirty, stinking ape to screw in the bulb, and two dirty, stinking apes to throw feces at each other!
I love Family Guy.
Name changes are for people who wear women's clothes. - Zuul
Wow. It took me a good minute to remember I didn't have testicles. -xBlackFlash
Are you sure this isn't like that time Michael Jackson stopped by your house so he could use the bathroom? - Superman
Wow. It took me a good minute to remember I didn't have testicles. -xBlackFlash
Are you sure this isn't like that time Michael Jackson stopped by your house so he could use the bathroom? - Superman
Re: Couple of Jokes
Minor nitpick: I think the name is Juan...HemlockGrey wrote: Two Mexican policemen are investigating the murder of Wan Gonzolez. After examining the body, one of the policemen says, "This man was killed by a golf gun." His partner asks what a golf gun is, to which he replies "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Wan."
I love the Joke that the Funny Man told in Boondock Saints (be warned, much racial slurring, and poor paraphrasing):
A white guy, a nigger, and a spic are walking along a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. They rub it and the genie pops out, and offers them three wishes, one each. first it's the niggers turn, "I wish that all my brothers and sisters could be happy and together in Africa", poof, the genie does it. Then the spic says, "I wish that all my latino brothers and sisters could be happy and together in Latin America", bampf, done. The genie turns to the white guy and asks what his wish is. The white guy says, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America? uh.. I'll have a coke then."
A white guy, a nigger, and a spic are walking along a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. They rub it and the genie pops out, and offers them three wishes, one each. first it's the niggers turn, "I wish that all my brothers and sisters could be happy and together in Africa", poof, the genie does it. Then the spic says, "I wish that all my latino brothers and sisters could be happy and together in Latin America", bampf, done. The genie turns to the white guy and asks what his wish is. The white guy says, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America? uh.. I'll have a coke then."
Sì! Abbiamo un' anima! Ma è fatta di tanti piccoli robot.
A Mexican, a Frechman, a British man, and a Texan are all in a plane together when the pilot comes and tells them that the plane is critically low on fuel and three of them must sacrifice themselves and jump out.
The British guy yells, "Long live the Queen!" and jumps out of the plane.
The Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" and jumps out.
The Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
AND
A man wakes up on day to see that he has a guerilla in his tree, so he calls up the exterminator to remove it. A man comes with a long pole, a pair of hand cuffs, a chinchila, and a shotgun. The exterminator tells the man, "I'm going to climb the tree and knock the guerilla out of the tree with the pole. Once he's on the ground, the trained chinchila will attack the guerilla's...private areas. Naturally, the guerilla will move his hands down to protect himself. Once he does that, place the handcuffs on his arms and I'll take him away."
"Okay," the man replies, "but what's the gun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first SHOOT THE CHINCHILA!"
The British guy yells, "Long live the Queen!" and jumps out of the plane.
The Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" and jumps out.
The Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
AND
A man wakes up on day to see that he has a guerilla in his tree, so he calls up the exterminator to remove it. A man comes with a long pole, a pair of hand cuffs, a chinchila, and a shotgun. The exterminator tells the man, "I'm going to climb the tree and knock the guerilla out of the tree with the pole. Once he's on the ground, the trained chinchila will attack the guerilla's...private areas. Naturally, the guerilla will move his hands down to protect himself. Once he does that, place the handcuffs on his arms and I'll take him away."
"Okay," the man replies, "but what's the gun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first SHOOT THE CHINCHILA!"
"I want to mow down a bunch of motherfuckers with absurdly large weapons and relative impunity - preferably in and around a skyscraper. Then I want to fight a grim battle against the unlikely duo of the Terminator and Robocop. The last level should involve (but not be limited to) multiple robo-Hitlers and a gorillasaurus rex."--Uraniun235 on his ideal FPS game
"The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force."--Darth Vader
"The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force."--Darth Vader
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Montcalm
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 7879
- Joined: 2003-01-15 10:50am
- Location: Montreal Canada North America
A plane lands on the lake to pick up the hunters.
The pilot sees they have four mooses,and he tell them
"You can't carry all that in this plane,it will not take off"
On of the hunter reply "But last year the pilot loaded the same amount in his plane"
The pilot says "Its impossible"
The hunter reply "It is possible"
The pilot reply "OK load them up then"
The plane leaves the shore,star to take off then crashes in the forest.
The hunter says "Well we went farther than last year"
The pilot sees they have four mooses,and he tell them
"You can't carry all that in this plane,it will not take off"
On of the hunter reply "But last year the pilot loaded the same amount in his plane"
The pilot says "Its impossible"
The hunter reply "It is possible"
The pilot reply "OK load them up then"
The plane leaves the shore,star to take off then crashes in the forest.
The hunter says "Well we went farther than last year"
Jerry Orbach 1935 2004
Admiral Valdemar~You know you've fucked up when Wacky Races has more realistic looking vehicles than your own.
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The lost Prophet
- Youngling
- Posts: 88
- Joined: 2004-03-29 08:21pm
- Location: somewhere......
disclaimer - i am from arizona, and i am in no way a raceist, bigot, or any of the other little fucks like that, and i not the best of spellers either.
A russian, jamacian, american, and a mexican all go on a cruise. one night they are all standing on the bow of the ship just talking, suddenly the russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, chugs it, then throws it off the ship. the american turns to him and asks him why he did that. the russian replies, "in my country, we have pleanty of it". the american figures it's not a bad reason. next the jamacian pulls out a huge joint, smokes it and throws it over. the american asks him why he did that, and in turn gets a similer answer as from the russian, "man, we got tons of it, i dont care". the american just nodded. suddenly the american turns to the mexican and throws him overboard, the russian and jamaican in utter shock as him why the hell he did that. the american turns calmly and replies "where i come from we got enough of those things to".
A russian, jamacian, american, and a mexican all go on a cruise. one night they are all standing on the bow of the ship just talking, suddenly the russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, chugs it, then throws it off the ship. the american turns to him and asks him why he did that. the russian replies, "in my country, we have pleanty of it". the american figures it's not a bad reason. next the jamacian pulls out a huge joint, smokes it and throws it over. the american asks him why he did that, and in turn gets a similer answer as from the russian, "man, we got tons of it, i dont care". the american just nodded. suddenly the american turns to the mexican and throws him overboard, the russian and jamaican in utter shock as him why the hell he did that. the american turns calmly and replies "where i come from we got enough of those things to".
Bams rules: Rule #1. If you dont like it, destroy it
Rule #2. if it serves no purpose, burn it.
"No one is taller then the last man standing" - unknown
"Don't run, you'll only die tired" - Shark Bait
Rule #2. if it serves no purpose, burn it.
"No one is taller then the last man standing" - unknown
"Don't run, you'll only die tired" - Shark Bait
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Alyrium Denryle
- Minister of Sin
- Posts: 22224
- Joined: 2002-07-11 08:34pm
- Location: The Deep Desert
- Contact:
I can hardly believe you posted that...
LMAO!!!
LMAO!!!
GALE Force Biological Agent/
BOTM/Great Dolphin Conspiracy/
Entomology and Evolutionary Biology Subdirector:SD.net Dept. of Biological Sciences
There is Grandeur in the View of Life; it fills me with a Deep Wonder, and Intense Cynicism.
Factio republicanum delenda est
BOTM/Great Dolphin Conspiracy/
Entomology and Evolutionary Biology Subdirector:SD.net Dept. of Biological Sciences
There is Grandeur in the View of Life; it fills me with a Deep Wonder, and Intense Cynicism.
Factio republicanum delenda est
Joe wrote:What do zombie vegetarians eat?
....GRAAAAAAAAAINS.......
What do zombies in Denmark eat?
.....DAAAAAANES....
What do zombie plumbers unclog?
....DRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS....
What does Joe lack?
....BRAAAAAINSSS.....
What's left of Joe after I smack him around?
....STAAAAIIIINNNSSS.......
ASVS('97)/SDN('03)
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
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The lost Prophet
- Youngling
- Posts: 88
- Joined: 2004-03-29 08:21pm
- Location: somewhere......
Hi, this is God, you've reached my voicemail...
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm out back beating Jesus.
...I'm currently in talks with the four horsemen concerning the whole Apocalypse thing.
...Leave a message, but if your calling for that prick son of mine, tell him to give me back my $30!
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm off creating a replacement world.
...I can't come to the phone right now, I told Jesus to cut himself a switch and I cant hold back on my promises.
...I'm at the hospital, the little bastard is trying to take the easy way out again.
...I'm busy plotting eternal damnation, I'll call you back... or not, let's see how things work out.
...I'm at the bar picking up chicks with Lucifer. I call you back when the alcohol wears off...
...I'm out at the psychiatrists talking about the "Mary, Mother of God - The Mother is my Daughter thing."
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm currently in negotiations with Death about his Life Insurance policy.
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm out back beating Jesus.
...I'm currently in talks with the four horsemen concerning the whole Apocalypse thing.
...Leave a message, but if your calling for that prick son of mine, tell him to give me back my $30!
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm off creating a replacement world.
...I can't come to the phone right now, I told Jesus to cut himself a switch and I cant hold back on my promises.
...I'm at the hospital, the little bastard is trying to take the easy way out again.
...I'm busy plotting eternal damnation, I'll call you back... or not, let's see how things work out.
...I'm at the bar picking up chicks with Lucifer. I call you back when the alcohol wears off...
...I'm out at the psychiatrists talking about the "Mary, Mother of God - The Mother is my Daughter thing."
...I can't come to the phone right now, I'm currently in negotiations with Death about his Life Insurance policy.
Bams rules: Rule #1. If you dont like it, destroy it
Rule #2. if it serves no purpose, burn it.
"No one is taller then the last man standing" - unknown
"Don't run, you'll only die tired" - Shark Bait
Rule #2. if it serves no purpose, burn it.
"No one is taller then the last man standing" - unknown
"Don't run, you'll only die tired" - Shark Bait
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Lord Pounder
- Pretty Hate Machine
- Posts: 9695
- Joined: 2002-11-19 04:40pm
- Location: Belfast, unfortunately
- Contact:
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Bob the Gunslinger
- Has not forgotten the face of his father
- Posts: 4760
- Joined: 2004-01-08 06:21pm
- Location: Somewhere out west
You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman! 
"Gunslinger indeed. Quick draw, Bob. Quick draw." --Count Chocula
"Unquestionably, Dr. Who is MUCH lighter in tone than WH40K. But then, I could argue the entirety of WWII was much lighter in tone than WH40K." --Broomstick
"This is ridiculous. I look like the Games Workshop version of a Jedi Knight." --Harry Dresden, Changes
"Like...are we canonical?" --Aaron Dembski-Bowden to Dan Abnett
"Unquestionably, Dr. Who is MUCH lighter in tone than WH40K. But then, I could argue the entirety of WWII was much lighter in tone than WH40K." --Broomstick
"This is ridiculous. I look like the Games Workshop version of a Jedi Knight." --Harry Dresden, Changes
"Like...are we canonical?" --Aaron Dembski-Bowden to Dan Abnett
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Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
Are you sure is a guerilla, not a gorilla?Trogdor wrote: A man wakes up on day to see that he has a guerilla in his tree, so he calls up the exterminator to remove it. A man comes with a long pole, a pair of hand cuffs, a chinchila, and a shotgun. The exterminator tells the man, "I'm going to climb the tree and knock the guerilla out of the tree with the pole. Once he's on the ground, the trained chinchila will attack the guerilla's...private areas. Naturally, the guerilla will move his hands down to protect himself. Once he does that, place the handcuffs on his arms and I'll take him away."
"Okay," the man replies, "but what's the gun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first SHOOT THE CHINCHILA!"
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa
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Slartibartfast
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 6730
- Joined: 2002-09-10 05:35pm
- Location: Where The Sea Meets The Sky
- Contact:
Re: Couple of Jokes
Yes but native english-speakers can't pronounce the J. The cops can't possibly be mexican in that joke.Hobot wrote:Minor nitpick: I think the name is Juan...HemlockGrey wrote: Two Mexican policemen are investigating the murder of Wan Gonzolez. After examining the body, one of the policemen says, "This man was killed by a golf gun." His partner asks what a golf gun is, to which he replies "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Wan."
Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're 14 to come all over your face.
Name changes are for people who wear women's clothes. - Zuul
Wow. It took me a good minute to remember I didn't have testicles. -xBlackFlash
Are you sure this isn't like that time Michael Jackson stopped by your house so he could use the bathroom? - Superman
Wow. It took me a good minute to remember I didn't have testicles. -xBlackFlash
Are you sure this isn't like that time Michael Jackson stopped by your house so he could use the bathroom? - Superman
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Agent Fisher
- Rabid Monkey
- Posts: 3671
- Joined: 2003-04-29 11:56pm
- Location: Sac-Town, CA, USA, Earth, Sol, Milky Way, Universe