Darwin Awards

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2004-04-28 07:11pm

I know a lot of these end up being difficult to prove but I decided to post them anyway mainly because of the last one.

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they'd difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER..... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Personally I think the last one actually dose count because he's lowered the chances that he'll ever reproduce.

Vendetta · Post by **Vendetta** » 2004-04-28 07:39pm

Lowered the chances to zero.

Which qualifies fully for the traditional Darwin Award, unless it is either debunked or he's already spawned.

The darwin awards aren't just for killing yourself in a stupid way, they're for preventing yourself from paddling in the gene pool, even at the shallow end.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2004-04-29 09:13am

Those are seven I'll remember.

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2004-04-29 09:15am

SyntaxVorlon wrote:Those are seven I'll remember.

The winner makes me wince every time I think about it.

I also wonder if his friend who turned the crank on the ball washer survived?

After that kind of pain and permanent damage I'd be ready to kill the bastard.

BoredShirtless · Post by **BoredShirtless** » 2004-04-29 09:32am

Excuse me, but witnesses to number 2 saw the guy pull out a lighter in the dark? I. Don't. Think. So.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-04-29 09:45am

Well, it it probably wasn't too dark, but dark nonetheless. But how could there be witnesses when the entire building was blown into shit?

BoredShirtless · Post by **BoredShirtless** » 2004-04-29 09:49am

Shroom Man 777 wrote:Well, it it probably wasn't too dark, but dark nonetheless. But how could there be witnesses when the entire building was blown into shit?

That's my point. To see someone whip out a lighter in the dark, you'd have to be real close.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2004-04-29 09:58am

Tsyroc wrote:
SyntaxVorlon wrote:Those are seven I'll remember.
The winner makes me wince every time I think about it.

I also wonder if his friend who turned the crank on the ball washer survived?

After that kind of pain and permanent damage I'd be ready to kill the bastard.

Heck yeah...ARGH.

Number 2 though is a tad iffy.

But urgh...number one...though gotta give him props for being drunk and propping himself correctly.

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2004-04-29 10:01am

What crack was number 6 smoking?!

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2004-04-29 10:02am

Ace Pace wrote:What crack was number 6 smoking?!

Pocky, lots and lots of Pocky.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2004-04-29 10:33am

BoredShirtless wrote:That's my point. To see someone whip out a lighter in the dark, you'd have to be real close.

Nah, it could've been shinny and the dude could've seen it when the dead dude turned it on.

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2004-04-29 11:23am

Shroom Man 777 wrote:
BoredShirtless wrote:That's my point. To see someone whip out a lighter in the dark, you'd have to be real close.
Nah, it could've been shinny and the dude could've seen it when the dead dude turned it on.

True, but with the way they describe the explosion you wouldn't think that anyone who was inside actually survived to talk about it.

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2004-04-29 11:33am

Tsyroc wrote:
Shroom Man 777 wrote:
BoredShirtless wrote:That's my point. To see someone whip out a lighter in the dark, you'd have to be real close.
Nah, it could've been shinny and the dude could've seen it when the dead dude turned it on.

True, but with the way they describe the explosion you wouldn't think that anyone who was inside actually survived to talk about it.

Those explosions are usually exaggerated, though. There was one where they talked about an exploding fuel truck (which was not full) blasting huge chunks of debris a half mile away. A couple hundred feet maybe, but half a mile. Unlikely. I'm calling bullshit on the "three miles away" part.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2004-04-29 04:29pm

Didn't Snopes cover the last one?

But, given the stupid things some people would do, I wouldn't be surprised if the rest actually happened. I find number six especially amusing.

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-04-29 08:24pm

Ghost Rider wrote:
Ace Pace wrote:What crack was number 6 smoking?!

Pocky, lots and lots of Pocky.

Quiet you! I like Pocky!

And I'm sure I'll enjoy 3/8ths Chips, too, if I ever figure out what they are.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2004-04-29 08:52pm

Yes, Darwin Awards rock.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2004-04-30 12:06am

The funniest thread here in months.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2004-04-30 07:47pm

Patrick Degan wrote:The funniest thread here in months.

Which is about the time since the last Darwin Awards thread.

SAMAS · Post by **SAMAS** » 2004-04-30 10:36pm

Ace Pace wrote:What crack was number 6 smoking?!

His own, from the sound of it.

The Aliens · Post by **The Aliens** » 2004-05-01 07:07pm

I love the one with the redneck who strapped the JAT Engine to the back of his truck and ploughed into a mountain side. Idiot.

The lost Prophet · Post by **The lost Prophet** » 2004-05-03 07:54pm

I loved them so much i bought the book.

The Aliens wrote:I love the one with the redneck who strapped the JAT Engine to the back of his truck and ploughed into a mountain side. Idiot.

That was an urban legend that supposedly took place here in my home state of Arizona - capital of bad drivers.
He took a JATO rocket, straped it to his car and took off. about 2 miles after he started he ignited the rocket, quickly accelerating over 200 mhp, melting the road and the rear of his car. about 3 miles later he tried stopping, bursting the tires. as he approched the end of the road it curved and tilted slightly at an angle to make the turn easier and faster, but naturally it acted like a ramp to him. he launched off the road, gained a bit of altitude and slamed into the side of the mountain. leaveing behind only a scorch mark on the hill and an almost ledgable bumper sticker "How do you like my driving? call 1-800-eat shit".

The Aliens · Post by **The Aliens** » 2004-05-03 08:16pm

The Aliens wrote:I love the one with the redneck who strapped the JAT Engine to the back of his truck and ploughed into a mountain side. Idiot.
That was an urban legend that supposedly took place here in my home state of Arizona - capital of bad drivers.
He took a JATO rocket, straped it to his car and took off. about 2 miles after he started he ignited the rocket, quickly accelerating over 200 mhp, melting the road and the rear of his car. about 3 miles later he tried stopping, bursting the tires. as he approched the end of the road it curved and tilted slightly at an angle to make the turn easier and faster, but naturally it acted like a ramp to him. he launched off the road, gained a bit of altitude and slamed into the side of the mountain. leaveing behind only a scorch mark on the hill and an almost ledgable bumper sticker "How do you like my driving? call 1-800-eat shit".

I'll have to check, but I'm fairly sure that was 'confirmed true by Darwin'. I read that one a long time ago, and laughed my ass off at any rate.

The Aliens · Post by **The Aliens** » 2004-05-03 08:20pm

Whoops, my bad- Confirmed Bogus by Darwin.

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2004-05-04 06:37am

Some more

Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

Arthur_Tuxedo · Post by **Arthur_Tuxedo** » 2004-05-04 09:01am

These are great, but I doubt the majority of them ever occured. I wish they'd insist on only posting verified ones. That would make it a lot funnier.