Great Asskickers Of History

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2004-04-30 10:33pm

Title is as title does.

Name a few people from history (preferably pre-20th century, I'm sure Shep or Skimmer could churn out about 250 army guys) who really stand out as shining examples of larger-than-life, asskickers. And tell why. Try to keep it cotton. Anyone naming someone who did not actually exist will be shot on site.

That said, I nominate:

Robert Guiscard. He comes in from Normandy as a penniless mercenary and then proceeds to totally dominate southern Italy and retake Sicily from the Muslims. For a time his kingdom dominates the central Mediterranean and anyone who can prosecute two simultaneous successful campaigns against both the Eastern and Western Empires deserves praise. Too bad he had to die when he did, he could have sat enthroned in Constantinople, and been a worthier ruler than the goddamn Dukas.

Gian Visconti, simply for ruling over a Milan that was the most powerful state in Europe and nearly conquering north Italy. Damn shame that flu killed him off. Similar props go out to Filippio Visconti for rebuilding the Duchy after the regency and expanding it further. In a similar note honorable mention would go to Carmagnola if he hadn't been such a goddamn idiot.

I think we all know that Francis Drake kicked ass, no explanation necessary.

And of course we've got all the Great Conquerers. Duke William, Alexander, Caesar, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Babur, Kublai, Belisarius, Napoleon, Scott, etc.

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-04-30 10:57pm

General George Patton.

He fought like hell, and wasnt affraid to smack the taste out of a man's mouth for dicking around. I always sorta admired him.

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2004-04-30 11:02pm

18-Till-I-Die wrote:General George Patton.

He fought like hell, and wasnt affraid to smack the taste out of a man's mouth for dicking around. I always sorta admired him.

He said pre 20th century

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2004-04-30 11:08pm

Commodore John Paul Jones. He kicked ass and took names in defiance of the Royal Navy all up and down the Irish coast. In particular were the capture of the H.M.S. Drake, sent forth purposely to stop him when he captained the Ranger, and of course his famous capture of the H.M.S. Serapis from the Bon Homme Richard when outgunned, outmanned, and outmaneuvered. Quite frankly, the Bon Homme Richard sucked ass and he won anyway. You don't defy the entire Royal Navy in a ship with only 18 guns and then in yet another ship that's not even seaworthy without being a great ass kicker.

Straha · Post by **Straha** » 2004-04-30 11:40pm

Winfield Scott...

He was THE man

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-04-30 11:53pm

General Ulysses S. Grant.

Again, because i always admired him as a warrior.

Raptor 597 · Post by **Raptor 597** » 2004-05-01 12:11am

Cosimo I of Tuscany defintely qualifies as one. Letting Florence suffer greatly in rebellion and making them crawl back to him. Fredreich der Grosse II also gets his kudos for smacking down Austria and taking Silesia Silesia.

Agent Fisher · Post by **Agent Fisher** » 2004-05-01 12:30am

Even though it says pre-20th century I would like to put in the entire Easy company of the 506th PIR of the 101st Airborne.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2004-05-01 12:42am

I second John Paul Jones.

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » 2004-05-01 01:07am

General Sherman, U.S cival war.

General Lee, fought for the wrong cause, but damn he fought well.

Minamoto Yoshitsune, Destoried the Taira Clan, ending the Gempai wars at the battle of Dan-no-ura, making his brother first ruling Shogun of Japan. Popular legend states that when his brother turnned on him, he escaped to the wildlands of Asia and took a new name... Genghis.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2004-05-01 01:14am

I second Winfeld Scott. The man toop 10,000 troops, seperated them from their supply line, and proceeded to repeatibly kick the shit out of an enemy many times his size in numbers.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2004-05-01 01:14am

Popular legend states that when his brother turnned on him, he escaped to the wildlands of Asia and took a new name... Genghis.

False, of course; the Genghis Khan (its a title, not his name) was Temujin, a Mongolian. But he still deserves it for the other stuff.

I nominate Genghis Khan Temujin. We all know what he did.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2004-05-01 01:20am

Minamoto Yoshitsune, Destoried the Taira Clan, ending the Gempai wars at the battle of Dan-no-ura, making his brother first ruling Shogun of Japan. Popular legend states that when his brother turnned on him, he escaped to the wildlands of Asia and took a new name... Genghis.

Well, actually, he died, but that whole "cavalry charge down a sheer cliff" thing was pretty badass.

Tzeentch · Post by **Tzeentch** » 2004-05-01 02:10am

Agathocles the Tyrant, 343-289 BCE

A potter's son, Agathocles joined the army of his homeland, Sicily, as soon as he was able. 20 years or so later he had ground his enemies to the ground and took over Syracuse with a mercenary army.

Fought repeatedly against the much stronger Carthaginians and nearby Greeks, claiming numerous victories and eventually making a favorable peace with Carthage and retiring to rule over all of Sicily and several other Mediterranean islands.

Though he had been a complete and utter bastard on his rise to power, in old age he was quite popular amongst his subjects, and he made many public works. Even when he died at the ripe old age of 72 (either poisoned or of natural causes), he was apparently planning an assault on Carthage itself. In his will he basically refused to establish a dynasty.

Machiavelli discusses him briefly in The Prince; apparently he was so consistantly ruthless on his way to power that he cannot be held up as an example even of the amoral prince.

He was still a badass, however.

Stuart Mackey · Post by **Stuart Mackey** » 2004-05-01 02:21am

Gustavas von Tempsky, the best leader of what is arguably New Zealands first Special Forces unit, The Forest Rangers

Deathstalker · Post by **Deathstalker** » 2004-05-01 04:18am

Oldies but goodies:

Francisco Pizarro, captured the largest amount of land ever taken in a single battle. 265 Soldiers defeated 4000 Incas, captures the Inca king ans Pizarro set himself up as ruler of most of South America

Admiral Horatio Nelson, 'nuff said.

Fritigern leader of the Goths(not the current punk version

) who killed 20,000 Romans at Adrianople.

Scipio Africanus, who defeated Hannibal at Zama.

General Benedict Arnold, despite being branded a traitor, kicked a lot of British ass before he switched sides. It is unfortunate he turned traitor, otherwise his name would have been mentioned in the same breath as Washington, Gates and Greene and the the other American heroes of the Revolutionary war.

All I can think of off the top on my head.

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2004-05-01 04:27am

I second Robert E. Lee, kicked ass for a cause he didn't belive in.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2004-05-01 10:27am

I dunno about Lee. Sure, he crushed a succession of incompetant Union generals but once he started his grand invasion and started facing competant commanders everything went rather rapidly downhill.

Xenophobe3691 · Post by **Xenophobe3691** » 2004-05-01 11:47am

HemlockGrey wrote:I dunno about Lee. Sure, he crushed a succession of incompetant Union generals but once he started his grand invasion and started facing competant commanders everything went rather rapidly downhill.

Yeah, but that was also the point at which he rather ran out of men to fight with...

I still think of Salah-Din as a pretty kickass man...

consequences · Post by **consequences** » 2004-05-01 01:09pm

Oliver Cromwell, New Model Army anyone?

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2004-05-01 02:23pm

HemlockGrey wrote:I dunno about Lee. Sure, he crushed a succession of incompetant Union generals but once he started his grand invasion and started facing competant commanders everything went rather rapidly downhill.

Not quite. Lee would have won at Gettysburg had Richard Ewell acted to seize the Round Tops on the first day of the battle. Stonewall Jackson would have, but he of course was killed at Chancellorsville. And without command of those heights, the battle's outcome was foreordained.

I also would have to endorse John Paul Jones and Horatio Nelson as two of history's major-league asskickers. Jones' exploits with ships of insufficent force and in one case unseaworthy speak volumes.

Nelson, in addition to his major sea victories, also had his own ideas on dealing with the Barbary pirates. When Algiers seized 200 British citizens in 1805, he led seven frigates into Algiers harbour and without preamble began shelling the city with iron and heated shot. He refused their first offer of parley and continued the bombardment until they signalled truce, gave up the hostages and pledged to leave British shipping and citizens unmolested.

General Zod · Post by **General Zod** » 2004-05-01 03:01pm

Miyamoto Musashi, lived in Japan during the 16th century. Reportedly fought over sixty duels and was never defeated. Created his own swordfighting technique, iirc, which i believe is still practiced til modern times. even created various pieces of art which are considered national treasures by Japan.

wautd · Post by **wautd** » 2004-05-01 03:19pm

The 100 or so Spartans that held off the Persian army (about a million soldiers IIRC) for days. They fought to the death and took thousands of Persians with them

ukamikazu · Post by **ukamikazu** » 2004-05-01 03:42pm

Alexander the Great, titular Ruler of the Known World before the age of 20? Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten the the Great King of Eastern Europe, the Meditarranean, North Africa, the Middle East, Central Asia and India.

The biggest exponent of the light cavalry, an excellent strategist, cunning politician, scholar and a truly benevolent dictator loved by all his subjects as well as a fearsome warrior given his small stature.

Things have just not been the same without him.

paladin · Post by **paladin** » 2004-05-01 04:25pm

wautd wrote:The 100 or so Spartans that held off the Persian army (about a million soldiers IIRC) for days. They fought to the death and took thousands of Persians with them

Current research put the Persian Army at several hundred thousand not close to million!