I Need Help

Bob McDob · Post by **Bob McDob** » 2004-05-05 01:54am

This post has reached its natural expiration date. Have a nice day.

Bob McDob · Post by **Bob McDob** » 2004-05-05 02:01am

Also: Could a mod HoS this? I realized it would probably be more applicable there.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-05-05 02:06am

Take a look at yourself, then realise that you should look into getting some real help.

Post by **Dalton** » 2004-05-05 02:07am

Bob McDob wrote:Also: Could a mod HoS this? I realized it would probably be more applicable there.

HOS is for dumping trolls and flamewars, not this.

All I can say is...change takes time.

Post by **AdmiralKanos** » 2004-05-05 02:21am

Bob McDob wrote:Anyone who reads this, I beg you, say something. Advise me, chide me, but say something. Give me some perspective. Tell me I'm just being melodramatic and that it'll pass. Tell me I need to get off the computer this second and get a life, whatever that means. Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me something,

I feel sorry for you; I think every teenager has had some of the same feelings of alienation, neurotic worries of social incompetence, etc. However, your case sounds more extreme, more exaggerated, and more paralyzing.

Nevertheless, I'll toss out a few ideas.

Make some new friends, for fuck's sake. It's been said that an introvert only really needs one true friend, but if you don't even have that, you're going to have problems. And friends don't necessarily fall into your lap; the world is full of people who expect other people to befriend them, rather than deciding to go out and befriend somebody.
Reconsider your medications. I's impossible to say what effect those various medications have had on your development or your current state of mind, and I'm certainly not qualified, but you should at least entertain the possibility that your medications are related to your social problems.
Realize that other people have problems too. The biggest hurdle for teenagers to get over is their belief that all of the other kids are devoid of neuroses. Everybody has days when they're horribly embarassed. Everybody has self-esteem issues. Everybody not currently in a relationship secretly wonders if he or she will end up being one of those pathetic single 40 year olds. The fact that nobody talks about it doesn't mean nobody feels it.
Get the fuck out. Change of scenery, pal. Go to university in a different city, live in dorm, make a clean break with your existing life and start a new one. Work hard in school and use the prospect of this upcoming change of scenery as your incentive, ie- something to look forward to and strive towards.
Do not try to be "cool" and aloof with girls. Despite what you may have seen in the movies, the best way to find a girlfriend is to get off your ass and start talking to as many girls as you can find, not to stand in the corner by yourself in a leather jacket trying to look cool or glare at passerby and try to look tough. Big smile, friendly demeanour, walk right up to a girl and say "Hi, are you first-year too? Where are you from?" (that line, of course, only works in first year university). Hell, I used to make a point of walking through the entire girls' wing of my dorm and stopping to say hi or chat for a few minutes at every single door that was open, even if I wasn't romantically attracted to the girl living there (when all the girls in the dorm know you and are comfortable with you, that can't be bad).
If your social skills are really that bad, hang around the student lounge in dorm. Observe social interactions of other people. Talk to anybody in range. Consider it practice.

I know I'm making it sound like you have to go to university to implement anything, but in a sense, that's probably true. High school is a bad place to be when you've got a reputation that you're not fond of. For a lot of kids, a clean break after high school is the best thing that will ever happen to them. And at the risk of belabouring the point, it can give you something to work for and look forward to.

PS. I know I'm taking a risk by making an assumption without knowing much about you, but you were an only child, weren't you?

Bob McDob · Post by **Bob McDob** » 2004-05-05 02:54am

Thank you for your thoughts. You've given me something to chew on here, and I appreciate it. I have delayed this for far too long, kept it swept under the rug, and it's time I made a concerted, cooperative effort to break out of it. Fortunately, I'll be seeing my psychiatrist again in a few days, and I will discuss this further with him.

PS. I know I'm taking a risk by making an assumption without knowing much about you, but you were an only child, weren't you?

Yeah. Something I kind of regret, if that makes any sense

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2004-05-05 03:20am

Another suggestion would be possibly to cut off your internet or otherwise limit it. Ween yourself from it by limiting your time each day and let those time slots get smaller and smaller. In the time that you're not on the internet, spend time outside. Doesn't even have to be around people at first if you feel uncomfortable, just get out of the house. Take a jog down the street or a walk in the park. Once you begin to be less dependant on the internet, start spending time around people, go to the mall, the supermarket, wherever there are groupings of other humans. Just be around them, get comfortable talking to strangers by making small talk with clerks in stores when you buy things while they are ringing you up. Doesn't have to be much more than "Hi, how are you?" Just get used to people. I think that once you start getting back into the world, you'll find yourself communicating with other people. One thing you might also consider is joining some organizations. If you join an organization that interests you, you'll automatically be in contact with people of at least one similar interest, probably more. This gives you an opportunity to make friends with other people who share your interests and also allows you the opportunity to take a position of responsibility of you run for an office in the organization.

I'm no professional, heck, I don't know a thing about psychology, so these are just suggestions. Do what you feel comfortable with, but the best advice I can give is to just get outside.

Edit: And one more thing, by recognizing that you have a problem and are willing to take steps to correct it, you have already made it clear to yourself and others that you are in control of yourself and have the ability to get better.

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » 2004-05-05 03:26am

Bob McDob wrote:So, this is where I am now. I have no real friends (not even stereotypical nerd ones), I rarely go outside, and I spend my days living on the internet and generally feeling pathetic.

Bob, you sound like how I feel. The reason I quoted this part is because it's an accurate description of my own troubles. I guess that means you're not alone, when a complete stranger can relate to your troubles. And hell we've all been there: the feelings of loneliness and self-loathing are things everybody experiences. Like all introverts we internalise it, and don't try to seek help from people that are close to us, even if we would welcome it if it came.

My recent trip gave an invaluable experience to me, as I observed life outside the comfortable enclosure of my computer room. How does this apply? Simple: change the scenery. Do stuff. Go out. Take a walk. Whatever. The more you go out and do things the less you'll feel isolated. Who knows - you just might meet someone.

You've already been given plenty of good advice from others, but the above is an important one. The stark difference your life takes when leaving the familiar environment and into a new one just can't be explained. I'm not saying all your problems will be solved just by going to someplace new, I am saying that the experience will likely be a beneficial one. Or at the very least it will open your eyes a bit. Nor is it necessary to rush to rediculous extremes - all you have to do is go someplace where you've never been before. Just... do something different.

I hope that helps.

Bob McDob · Post by **Bob McDob** » 2004-05-05 04:02am

Nathan F wrote:Edit: And one more thing, by recognizing that you have a problem and are willing to take steps to correct it, you have already made it clear to yourself and others that you are in control of yourself and have the ability to get better.

The hardest part, for me, is that I've realized this for some time, and I have an idea of what I should do, and need to do, and yet once you start trying to change you realize there's a marked difference between what you want to do and what you are doing. And in between this (partly caused, I strongly suspect, by hormonal swings familier to teenagers) come periods where you feel good, and you begin to think you don't have a problem after all. Then you realize (or think you realize) that you haven't come as far as you thought you did, and at worst you fall into a binge again. Makes me feel almost like a drug addict (which might not be far from the truth, considering that I've been on medications for years, doing god-knows what to my developing brain).

Still, at least I have some idea of where I went wrong. And I don't really have any alternative other than to go out and try again, and again, and again if need be.

Alex Moon · Post by **Alex Moon** » 2004-05-05 04:04am

I agree with what the others have said, and throw in these two cents:

I would suggest changing your diet and getting more exercise (no offense, but it sounds like you arent' right now). Try going for walks in the morning or evenings and eventually jogging a couple of times a week. For me, this helped get rid of a lot of energy that was pent up and causing me problems. It's also a great confidence booster when you start to see that you're loosing weight and getting in better shape.

On the diet side, cut out the soda pop, if you drink any. Drink water and juice instead, and save the cokes for friday and saturday nights if you drink them at all. Once you cut out that caffene, it's amazing how much better you feel. Also, if you're working out more, the combination of the two should help alliviate your sleeping problems.

As for getting out of the house: try doing something that you wouldn't normally be interested in. You might find that you really like it, and it'll help keep you away from the triggers that caused your reclusiveness in the first place.

His Divine Shadow · Post by **His Divine Shadow** » 2004-05-05 05:08am

Weeell, I kinda feel like you in some ways, in HS I kinda retreated from active social life as well, I feel this has affected my abilities in social interaction, I have a hard time with the thing known as small talk, I say something now and then in a conversation of many people, it might get quiet if it's just me and another, though maybe I'm not that special in this either.

Still, since I was 18 I've started going out alot more and I'm alot more social, but I think I have ways to go still.

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2004-05-05 08:40am

I don't want to drag this OT, but this was happening to me (less, no meds for me), and the best thing I did was find a group of people who accept, who don't try to change you, in real life. Dosn't matter WHAT HS, there's allways a group like that.

Ravenwing · Post by **Ravenwing** » 2004-05-05 11:53am

i never had any friend until about 2 years back. always laughed at and feeling worthless does something to you, but i managed to find someone who ended up being the best friend i could have got (my parents didnt share the same view since i stared skipping classes rather than just not paying attention).
luckily i didnt get the internet until about nine months ago and up until that point i was not much of a net person, so i retreated into books instead.
try to find someone you can talk with without resorting to typing ( i realise that as i write this im talking to a whole bunch of people via msn

) it makes a world of a difference

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2004-05-05 01:48pm

Mike has made some really good suggestions that you may want to think about. Colleges and Universities are GREAT places to get to know people. If you have a choice, smaller schools will usually offer better social interactions than very large ones, even if their academics are more specialized. When considering schools, make sure you look at everything they offer. They differentiate themselves in a LOT of different ways, and finding the one that's best for you is one of the most important decisions you'll ever have to make. Good luck!

Arthur_Tuxedo · Post by **Arthur_Tuxedo** » 2004-05-05 03:18pm

Bob McDob wrote:*snip OP*

Mike already mentioned this, but I think it's important to drive it home. A lot of the things you think make you such a weirdo, everyone goes through. Would it surprise you to know that I was convinced that my life was a movie and the universe was simply there for my benefit? Everyone ponders that and it doesn't make you weird or crazy.

There's also nothing wrong with preferring to lurk instead of post. It's not a sign of a lack of social graces. I've been in and around this community for about three years, and yet only have a few posts on ASVS and about a thousand here to show for it. Most of the time when I hit the reply button, I write one or two sentences, look at what I've written, and then close the browser window. There's nothing wrong with that.

One of the most important things any teenager can learn is that everyone else is just as insecure and fucked up as him. Take a look at what your "cool" classmates are wearing. Look at how they walk. Why do you think they emulate each other? Confusion. Panic. Insecurity. It's the universal human condition. At least until adulthoood for a lucky few. From the depth of understanding in your post, I know that you will be one of those lucky few.

Your shame is unfounded, and I think it's critical that you understand that, but the fact that you expressed it here, that you had the balls to come and lay your soul bare in front of all of us, and did it so eloquently, is irrefutable proof that what you've gone through is temporary. You have courage and you have introspection. The vast majority of the people in the world have neither, especially the latter. With those two, you will conquer any problems you may face.

You have disproven that you have trouble communicating with and relating to people, because you have related to US. You will soon discover that the difference between posting here and talking to people, making friends out in the social jungle isn't as great as you think it is. You WILL overcome your reluctance. It's not even a question. It may not happen today, but sooner than you think.

The main thing you have to do is let go of your shame. If you can do that, then all of these other problems you describe go from insurmountable mountains to easily climbed anthills. If you find yourself unable, consider that you might have depression, and if you do, whenever you feel ashamed or that you have negative characteristics that others don't share, tell yourself that the only reason you feel that way is because of chemical imbalances, it's BULLSHIT, and you are NOT going to listen to that horseshit. It worked for me. I still have depression, but it only manifests itself as a lack of drive and energy anymore, and not in those feelings. The reason it worked for me is because I'm introspective and can make sense of my own emotions. From your post, I know you can, too.

Your hurdles in life are harder to overcome than mine, but your post strongly reminds me of my own adolescence. But because of my ability to introspect I learned how to be social, I learned how to let go of my shame, I even learned how to talk to women. You CAN LEARN these things if you can examine yourself, and your ability to do that is greater than mine. I've never known another person in my whole life who could introspect like I could until this post. I hope that makes you appreciate what a rare thing it is. So, in a way, you really DID have a superpower ;)

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2004-05-05 03:28pm

I have to echo Mike's bit, and get out and exercise. You will feel better.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2004-05-05 03:43pm

Ever try getting a job? It could be an interesting new way to get out and meet people.

The lost Prophet · Post by **The lost Prophet** » 2004-05-05 08:33pm

I have run through the same kind of stuff myself, as well as friends who have gone through it, minus some of the meds, internet, and time away from school, and I know you can feel better. Besides repeating what others have said about diet, exercise, and just generally getting out and talking, i also recomend talking to people through MSN or AIM who interest you or have something in common. Makeing a break from high school and all the negitivity, and starting again should help. i wish i could help more.

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-05-05 09:17pm

You remind me very much of a friend of mine.

He had all the same diagnoses, including some slight Assberger's autism, and he has very few social skills (he was an only child), but he's found ways to get out and be a part of the world. Mostly, he just attends film and acting classes at various local Junior colleges and meets the people in those classes who are similarly lonely and intersted in film. (He turned to film and all things movie instead of the internet, and now he's a walking imdb.)

He tends not to make friends easily, and often drives them away (the lack of social graces), but he tries to be the best person he can and talks to people in a friendly way, and it's helping him.

Sometimes he drives me and his other friends away with his inferiority/superiority complex and this pathological obsession with saving money. His arrogant assumptions of superiority combined with an internal lack-of-censor caused such things as him telling a chinese person that chinese people are barbarians for eating dogs, etc. Recently, since I'm now broke, paying off school loans and a wedding, the money thing has really started to bother me. Especially since he gets lots of money from the government. He'll go out with us, tell us he only has 3 dollars, and then order a $10 item at a restaraunt and expect us to cover him (which wouldn't be so bad if he would pay us back). He refuses to pay a share of the tax and tip when we all share a bill, and it has made hanging out with him somewhat less enjoyable. We've talked to him about it and he has tried to improve, but OCD... it's very strong.

So, if you can just be friendly and outgoing and avoid money troubles (money is one of the things that can screw up any friendship), you should be able to socialize well. At least, the treatment has started to work for my friend.

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-05-05 09:25pm

Also, I cannot overstress the importance of living in a dorm. If you feel that you need or want to learn social skills, there is no better place than a coed college dorm. Everyone is friendly and willing to meet you. You can people watch and learn a lot. You are forced to interact with your room and floormates. And in the right college dorm, you can make yourself feel a whole lot better by saying "at least I'm not as bad off as that guy." There's always a that guy.

So, unless you spend all day playing starcraft or only speaking Korean to Korean people, you're sure to make friends and experience life in a dorm.

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2004-05-05 11:00pm

For what it's worth, here's an air hug from a girl.

I feel your pain. I was in the same situation. Reading from a really early age, early high IQ testing, no friends or playmates, lonely all the time, with the added pain of being in the middle of the rural Bible Belt. The best thing I did to change that was to go to college out of town. One of the good things about my college is that I didn't know anybody at all, and nobody knew me. I was literally just a number (really, they assign us ID numbers which are used for identification and email). Then I joined the marching band. I don't know if marching band would necessarily be your thing, but there will undoubtably be a lot of other groups you could join.

Here's the thing. Where I go, just about everybody was that smart, lonely, socially awkward kid who stood alone in the corner and didn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on the gender and sexual orientation). Realizing that (and it didn't take us long to figure it out) made everything a lot easier, because we could see a lot faster that we had all gone through the exact same crap. I don't know where you might end up going, but it could help if you go out and find some people like that. Just talking with them will help you be able to talk to other people, if just because you have some practice with it.

One last thing: a good safe line for initiating conversation with someone you just met is to ask where they are from. Everybody's from somewhere, including the people who say they're from nowhere, and those people usually have the best stories to tell anyway. And if you're ever in a college dining hall and see a girl eating alone, don't be shy to go up to her and ask if you can sit and eat with her.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2004-05-06 07:46pm

Bob McDob wrote:Tell me something,

You're never, ever going to find anyone that can stand you in real life. You should turn your anxiety and fear into disdain for your fellow man, and focus on you career. Become an obedient, competent corporate drone who hides his loathng under a mask of dull complacency. Grow increasingly bitter and spiteful until you retire, when you can spend all your time on the front porch holding a shotgun and glaring at anybody who passes by for the rest of your days.

That's what I'm going to do, at any rate, and I'm just as friendless and probably not as smart as you are. I just don't feel bad because Ive got a plan.

Trogdor · Post by **Trogdor** » 2004-05-06 07:57pm

Andrew J. wrote:
Bob McDob wrote:Tell me something,
You're never, ever going to find anyone that can stand you in real life. You should turn your anxiety and fear into disdain for your fellow man, and focus on you career. Become an obedient, competent corporate drone who hides his loathng under a mask of dull complacency. Grow increasingly bitter and spiteful until you retire, when you can spend all your time on the front porch holding a shotgun and glaring at anybody who passes by for the rest of your days.

That's what I'mi] goingo, at any rate, and I'm just as friendless and probably not as smart as you are. I just don't feel bad because Ive got a plan.

Well, I think you know what NOT to do now.

On a more serious note, I feel for you. I'd probably be much the same, except I was fortunate enough to befriend a group of guys who will almost literally drag me away from my computer to hang out. Try meeting people like that. (I'm sorry I have no better advice for you.)

SWPIGWANG · Post by **SWPIGWANG** » 2004-05-06 09:07pm

Anyone who reads this, I beg you, say something. Advise me, chide me, but say something. Give me some perspective. Tell me I'm just being melodramatic and that it'll pass. Tell me I need to get off the computer this second and get a life, whatever that means. Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me something,

Be Brave.

Well, I can't say I'm any better adjusted then you are, so I probably can't give you any useful advice. After having only under two dozen days left in my teen years and totally screwing up my second university year after feeling depressed, I guess I don't have anything on you other than years of experience in misery. That said, experiences is something, even if it isn't much.

First, there will be no sudden realizations that will save your life, at least don't count on it. From what I read I think you are the kind that constantly analyze your own life and there really isn't that much space to fit in anything previously unimaginable. That said, I think the answer lies in the space between what you imagine but what you believe. I guess it'd take time and lots of grinding before everything becomes okay again.

Second, no you are not being maldramatic, merely dramatic because people can and do screw up major portions of their lives, like my own, and for that reason it can be considered as genuin and important as anything else.

So, this is where I am now. I have no real friends (not even stereotypical nerd ones), I rarely go outside, and I spend my days living on the internet and generally feeling patethci.

And you think you are alone or an statistically improbable case? If you go to some web boards you'd see a whole mess or mess up people. (than again, I have no life and see those boards out) I even know someone in real life who is totally socially withdrawn himself (which is saying something considering how few people I know) who even dropped out of school to home school to get away from it all.

You know, you'd probably do well piloting mecha.....haha (It sucks that angst alone is an insufficient condition for commanding giant robots of doom)

Does it qualify as "most fucked-up person ever?" I doubt it, but the whole reason I made this post was to prevent that from happening. My biggest fear is that I'll continue to pity myself, my self esteem will become irreparable, and I can easily see myself ending up as some forty-year old hermit living in my parent's basement.

Don't worry too much about that though. Even though you can be an hermit and be miserable, moving out it quite easy as the demands of stomach would guide you across the barriers.

Does it qualify as "most fucked-up person ever?" I doubt it,

You have to try real hard for that one, and you ain't trying....

P.S.

I was also a chronic procrastinator that piled up loads of backwork (in first grade!).

Thats nothing, I started pilling work since kindergarden. muhahahahahaha (thanks my parents for sending me to an kindergarden that demands weekly homework)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now for everyone else's advice, I have to say it isn't that simple......

Get the fuck out. Change of scenery, pal. Go to university in a different city, live in dorm, make a clean break with your existing life and start a new one.

If you feel that you need or want to learn social skills, there is no better place than a coed college dorm. Everyone is friendly and willing to meet you. You can people watch and learn a lot. You are forced to interact with your room and floormates. And in the right college dorm, you can make yourself feel a whole lot better by saying "at least I'm not as bad off as that guy." There's always a that guy.

....etc etc

yeah whatever....... I've move across the country and lived in a dorm and cut internet at home for an year and it didn't really help my social life that much. (actually made it much worst since I'm even more insecure with all the unfamilar surroundings) Don't count on the environment to do the job for you because it can't if you can't cope with them to begin with.

Its probably easier to start somewhere more familar.

jenat-lai · Post by **jenat-lai** » 2004-05-07 05:09am

You have depression.

you say your 16? well your just starting out. not too much of an opportunity to work it out. ad or live away from home. I'm crap at this stuff. however my best friend (female)

has an IQ of 146, is 3rd year university but only 2nd year 1st semester subjects (she always has huge depression issues around September and fails her courses by not turning up to uni 4 weeks in a row)

Of course she was also sexualy abused when around 9 to 14.

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