Some explain this to me, please!

[Solauren]

Hello everyone.

I just had an interesting proverbal-2-minute converstation with someone.

Here's the conversation
(I go on MSN, notice my friend Crystal, whom I rarely get to talk to, is online)
Solauren: Hey CK. If you want to talk, I'm home tonight. If not, I'm watching TV.
Crystal: I'm sick of you doing that.
Solauren: Doing what? Now what did I do?
Crystal: Of you saying your free to talk, on the nights I know your girlfriend is not there. If you can't talk to me while your girlfriend is there, you can't talk to me period.
(end of MSN)


Okay, so that's the 'ass end'. Here's the head and body

Many moon's ago, I flirted with Crystal alot, and I admit to having had a crush on her, and would probably date her/be more romantically with her if I was single.

A few years ago, Crystal feel in love, got married, got pregnant, and found out the husband was cheating on her through most of the marriage. She also gets the hind-sight is 20-20 thing going.

Now then
Every time in the past 6 - 8 months Crystal has called, it's always been on the weekend, and usually on a Saturday night. She called once every 3 - 4 weeks.
Her timing has been very, very bad. She's called in the middle of dinner once, going out twice, once during sex, a few times during a PPV movie, and once during a D&D game. Each time (with the exception of sex) I explained i was busy and why, and it would be best if she called back tomorrow, or give me a time I can call her back later (note: She has a kid that's nearing 2 years old, and I don't want to call her and wake him up past a certain time, I've been chewed out for doing that). Heck, once my girlfriend even called over 'If that's Crystal, I have no problem waiting to going later'

So, here's the question..

What's with her?

Jealousy? (Does she want Melissa out of my life) Insanity?
Just tired and cranky being a single mother while in school with a 2 year old kid? Think's I'm trying to cheat on her with my girlfriend the way her husband did on her (translation, transferring feelings).

Any insight is appricated. She's a good friend, and I don't want to upset her or loss her as a friend.

[Zaia]

Do you ever call her? Doesn't sound like it. I'd be annoyed as hell about that too.

[Trytostaydead]

Probably being cranky. The terrible two's man, the terrible two's.. have sympathy. That and she's probably questioning where you two stand in your relationship.

DTR = Define the Relationship.

[CrimsonRaine]

Well, it's not her fault her timing was bad. Yes, it may have made it more difficult for you, but she's just trying to keep in touch. Frankly, I don't blame her for being annoyed.

Also, it's a personal pet peeve when guys share feelings to another girl when they are dating someone else. To me, it's mind-fucking. Don't do it. I understand it was a while ago, but it sticks like Elmer's, man.

Like others have said, define the relationship. If you're too busy for her (which is seems like you are), let her know, instead of her grabbing her dignity by a loose thread. She's probably just confused on what to do.

'Raine

[Enforcer Talen]

yeah, I try to communicate where Im going with a chick.

dating monogamously
fuckbuddies
flirting with potential
flirting to pass time

about covers the range.

[His Divine Shadow]

Say something like:
"You are reading a bit too much into this, my GF has no problem with you talking to me or vice versa for that matter.
The times I couldn't talk to you where simply cases of bad timing, such as in the middle of dinner, going out, during a PPV movie and once during a D&D game, all perfectly normal reasons/coincidences, no need to think there's some kind of drama with my GF going on here"

[Broomstick]

Well, there's a bunch of stuff going on here.

The wanting to talk to you when your girlfriend is around could be:
1) Not wanting to get involved in a cheating sitution
2) A bid for adult (as opposed to a 2 year old's) attention
3) She wants to split you and your girlfriend up and "capture" you.

Calling on a Saturday night might be either good or bad timing... but if every time I called Saturday night I got the brush off I'd try some other night for calling. If you've offered to call her back, and asked for a good time to do so, or told when the timing would be better for you, and yet she continues to call at the same inconvenient time I'd think "bid for attention".

Yes, she's probably more than a bit cranky if she's the single mother of a toddler. She probably does feel her needs aren't being taken care of. She probably does want adult attention.

Question is - do you and/or your girlfriend want to get involved in this or not? If yes, you will have to call her, invite her over, whatever. If not... well, you can continue as is (potentially for a long time) or tell her you're not into headgames and brace for potential consequences.

[Zaia]

When do you call her?

If you call her and just didn't mention it in your original post, ok. But if you only ever say "Hey now's a good time to call," I'd be fucking pissed at you too. People who drop their friends when they get into a relationship (regardless of whether there was attraction between the friends in the past or not) make me really, really fucking angry. She'd have every right to be pissed at you, and it wouldn't have to have a damn thing to do about her kid or the fact that you're unavailable.

[SAMAS]

Say something like:
"You are reading a bit too much into this, my GF has no problem with you talking to me or vice versa for that matter.
The times I couldn't talk to you where simply cases of bad timing, such as in the middle of dinner, going out, during a PPV movie and once during a D&D game, all perfectly normal reasons/coincidences, no need to think there's some kind of drama with my GF going on here"

Better yet, have the Girlfriend tell her that.

[aphexmonster]

It sounds like she just wants all of your attention... or at least she doesn't want to share you with another girl and just hasn't spoken up about it .

[Solauren]

Time to address everyone’s individual points or thoughts.

Do you ever call her? Doesn't sound like it. I'd be annoyed as hell about that too.

Yes. However, nearly every time I’ve tried calling over the past 6 months, she’s been busy with something else (occasionally with someone-else), and can barely talk for more then 2 minutes. (No, I’m not faulting her for that).

Probably being cranky. The terrible two's man, the terrible two's.. have sympathy. That and she's probably questioning where you two stand in your relationship.
DTR = Define the Relationship.

SHE defined it long ago. We are friends. I have reaffirmed that. I’ve offered if she ever needs a place to stay, once I own a house, she and the baby can move in and rent cheap. (She’d have her own bedroom separate from mine). I’ve also offered if there’s an emergency, I’ll be there like any friend. However, I won't pursue more while I'm dating someone else.

Well, it's not her fault her timing was bad. Yes, it may have made it more difficult for you, but she's just trying to keep in touch. Frankly, I don't blame her for being annoyed.
Also, it's a personal pet peeve when guys share feelings to another girl when they are dating someone else. To me, it's mind-fucking. Don't do it. I understand it was a while ago, but it sticks like Elmer's, man.
Like others have said, define the relationship. If you're too busy for her (which is seems like you are), let her know, instead of her grabbing her dignity by a loose thread. She's probably just confused on what to do.

She has never had romantic feelings towards me that I am aware of. She’s known me for 14 years, know about the feelings for most of that time, and I’ve only had a girlfriend for the last 6 of them. And she was single at the same time I was for a long time prior to that, so she had plenty of chance to tell me if she did. There have also been rough spots with my girlfriend where she could have said “well, since your basically single now….”
She knows I have free time, and I’ve told her if she gives me a few days heads up, I’d be happy to come over or do something as friends. It’s just ‘2 minute warning’ hang outs that are difficult for me. I usually have my plans for the weekend set up Wednesday.

yeah, I try to communicate where Im going with a chick.
dating monogamously
fuckbuddies
flirting with potential
flirting to pass time
about covers the range.

Friends. Crystal’s even told me not to flirt while I have a girlfriend (and I haven’t flirted with her in over a year now, as she requested)

"You are reading a bit too much into this, my GF has no problem with you talking to me or vice versa for that matter.
The times I couldn't talk to you where simply cases of bad timing, such as in the middle of dinner, going out, during a PPV movie and once during a D&D game, all perfectly normal reasons/coincidences, no need to think there's some kind of drama with my GF going on here"

Tried that last night on MSN, didn’t get a reply.

1) Not wanting to get involved in a cheating situation

I’ve considered that. However, she has no problem talking with other friends of her’s without there girlfriends around, and she has called (in the past prior to her entering school) on nights where my gf was not around.

2) A bid for adult (as opposed to a 2 year old's) attention

I’m pretty sure on that one. (provided it’s not adult attention )

3) She wants to split you and your girlfriend up and "capture" you.

A few of my friends of the male gender have suggested that (including a few that know her). I have a female friend that I’m considering calling (if I can catch her on a free night) to get her opinion of it all. (She owes me for the help and advice I gave her with her bf, like this past fall: “Look, either stop seeing this other guy all together, or let your boyfriend know it’s over.”).

Calling on a Saturday night might be either good or bad timing... but if every time I called Saturday night I got the brush off I'd try some other night for calling. If you've offered to call her back, and asked for a good time to do so, or told when the timing would be better for you, and yet she continues to call at the same inconvenient time I'd think "bid for attention".
Reply: Offered to call her back. She usually says she’s going to bed in a few minutes. Considering she also says she’s an insomniac…

Yes, she's probably more than a bit cranky if she's the single mother of a toddler. She probably does feel her needs aren't being taken care of. She probably does want adult attention.

Reply: See below

Question is - do you and/or your girlfriend want to get involved in this or not? If yes, you will have to call her, invite her over, whatever. If not... well, you can continue as is (potentially for a long time) or tell her you're not into headgames and brace for potential consequences.

My gf doesn’t appear to have a problem with her. They’ve meet, and hell they had one fun time playing D&D together with me one night. (First person to make a 3-way joke gets Annally violeted with a Gladius, second with a Katana, third with a Claymore. Fourth and higher, a Battle’eh sideways).
As for telling her off, I’ve considered that as well. However, I don’t want to blast her and it turn out she’s just having a rough-spot due to school/kid/single mother.

Okay, to everyone over the adult attention
She has a lot of adult friends. She’s still close with several of our mutual friends from our teen years, as well as new friends from when she went to university, and new friends from old friends.

Now, if when you mean adult attention, you mean adult <I> attention </I> I have no idea on that. (None of my business).

Here is what I’m considering doing
1- Calling her, and explaining when she calls, she just has really bad timing. If need be, explain why.
If I call and she’s busy or can’t talk, tell her I’m sending her an email.
2- If she seems uncomfortable with the why, ask her why. If I suspect it’s cause she’s hiding feelings, get that out of her, directly if need be.
Basically: “Most times you call and we are either in the middle of something, or else are in the middle of that-thing. “ and if she sounds upset “Are you jealous? Come on, fess up”
3- Explain why I tell her it’s okay to call, (so she knows she’s not going to be interupting anything), and tell her the truth ‘when I call a friend and find out I’m interrupting something, I usually feel bad. You have enough to worry about without adding that to her plate”.

4a- If it turns out she wants a relationship, after I pick myself up the floor from fainting dead-away in shock, call her back, make sure I heard it right, and then figure out what the hell to do from there. (I’ve never been in a relationship and have another girl interested in me.)

4b- If it turns out it’s just a mis-understanding, try to set up a weekly/bi-weekly time to chat, or something that will not make her feel neglected as a friend. This includes inviting her to the bi-weekly D&D game, and offering a babysitter. (One of the players girlfriends comes over and just uses my computer to watch DVD’s. I’m pretty sure we could talk her into doing it if I keep digging up new movies. Since Crystal has a HUGE DVD collection, I don’t see an issue)

4c- If it turns out she’s just stressed out, be understanding as per usual.

5- If this suddenly blows up in my face. (I.e I’m told everything’s fine, she her face to face and she and my girlfriend get into a cat-fight), cut myself off from all contact with the world except work and SD.net.

If everyone wants or is interested, I’d be happy (and might find it useful) to type everything since she and I meet up into a nice little ‘Guide to..’ for further opinions.
I’d be especially interested in female opinions. I can look at it as a guy no problem. (Matter of fact, emailing/msning when it’s good to talk is how my male-friends and I get around the busy with the girlfriends/work issues)

Here’s the Email I have in mind sending her at this point.

Crystal.
Here’s the fact
Over the past few months, whenever you have called and Melissa is there, it’s always been the worse possible time for you to call. Simply put, you usually call when we are in bed. (There’s has been the odd exception, but again, usually in the middle of doing something). Calling you back isn’t really an option, because you don’t call another girl after you’d have sex with your girlfriend, or before you do. Simply put, when Melissa is over, I rarely have time to talk to anyone, and she usually doesn’t leave until around Midnight on the weekends. She’s over 1 night during the week, and is only over for 2 – 3 hours, so chatting with someone on the phone for 20 minutes is not really an option.
I’ve tried calling you, but I usually get your answering machine, no answer, or your sleeping or busy. That’s no fault for you, you’re a single mother, went back to school, and do volunteer work. Frankly, I’m amazed you have time to eat or breathe.
Your calls are always welcome. That’s why I try to give you good times to call, since I have no idea when you are free to talk. Heck, if you were to call in the first 30 minutes to an hour Melissa was over, we could talk then. Hell, I tell my mother, grandmother and other friends I’m busy when they call.
As proof I’m not trying to be being sneaky about knowing you, or ignoring you, or trying to blow you off:

For the past 2 months or so, I’ve been having bi-weekly D&D games at my place. Myself, Melissa, her sister Jennifer, Kirk are there for each game. My friends Wes and Matt make it when they can (depending on there jobs and lives). They even bring there girlfriends with them. (Wes and Matt’s girlfriends usually read a book or use my computer.)

You are more then welcome to come. Or if you want, call during the game around a set time, and I’ll call break and talk to you for 15 minutes. Not a problem. And don’t worry about bringing Aiden to the games. Wes and Matt’s girlfriends love kids, and I’m sure we could work out a deal with them to keep an eye on him. For example, Matt’s girlfriend Selena loves watching movies. My computer has a DVD player built in. You bring the DVD, we move my computer with the DVD player into the bedroom, Selena keep Aiden happy and they watch movies, we use my P300 to play music, and everyone is happy.

(I know getting here is an issue for you, but getting to your place would be an issue for everyone else.)

Your calls have just had really bad timing.

I’d also happily do something with ya, even if you just want someone over to hang out with, just give me a day or two’s notice before hand. My week-end plans are pretty much made by Wednesday or Thursday. Yeah, there usually with Melissa and just hanging out at my place, but I should at least give her a day or two warning that I’m doing something else.

Anyway, that’s that.

If you want to talk about this by phone or face to face, name the time and I’ll call, or if face to face, I’ll be there.
Otherwise, hope to see you online, and I’ll see you at the lake on Canada Day.

Well, that's that.

Let the commetary on my soap opera continue

[Solauren]

Oh, quick little extra
She ignored my attempt 10 minutes ago to try to talk to her on MSN

Solauren; Stareing at the wall says:
(Smiley goes here, I usually start chats with a smiley)

Solauren; Stareing at the wall says:
For someone that chewed me out last night about not talking to you....

Solauren; Stareing at the wall says:
The Silent treatment? Being ignored? Just no time or bother?

Solauren; Stareing at the wall says:
Interesting. Look, I'm sorry if I seem to blow you off, but your timing for calling on the weekend is horrible. Almost every time you've called, Melissa and I were busy with something you don't stop doing to talk to another girl. If you can't figure out what that is, I will spell it out for you. If you called at another time, I would talk to you, but talking with another girl...
before, during or after sex with your girlfriend is rather, well, wrong

Solauren; Stareing at the wall says:
Well, since I seam to be beating my head against a wall, I'm going to go back to what I was doing before attempting a civil converstation and opology/clarification to you. If I don't talk to you before hand, see you on Canada Day.