Ronald Reagan's Humor (Jokes he told)

[CaptainChewbacca]

He was amazingly funny, and I thought I'd share these tidbits with you all.

Quotes by Former President Ronald Reagan

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries"

"My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes." –joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

"I don't know. I've never played a governor." –asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession, but it bears a striking similarity to the first."

"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance."

"There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears." –on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." –explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings

"I hope you're all Republicans." -speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." -during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

"I'm afraid I can't use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." –refusing a gift of a mule

"My name is Ronald Reagan. What's yours?" –introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, "I'm your son, Mike," to which Reagan replied, "Oh, I didn't recognize you."

"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing."

"What does an actor know about politics?" –criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"How can a president not be an actor?" -when asked "How could an actor become president?'

"I was up late burning the afternoon oil" in reference to being lazy.

"Thank you for your letter. I've never felt so potent." -In response to a blistering complaint about the sky rocketing illegitimate birth rate during his presidency

"Thomas Jefferson once said that we measure a man not by the number of his years, but his ideas... and ever since he told me that I havn't worried about my age at all." -about his age.

I mean, who else made jokes in the SoTU?

[Montcalm]

Is there more?

[kojikun]

Didn't like the man, but atleast he had a sense of humor.

[Comosicus]

What's SoTU?

[Hamel]

State of the Union.

[Faram]

"Thank you for your letter. I've never felt so potent." -In response to a blistering complaint about the sky rocketing illegitimate birth rate during his presidency

Loved that one!

[Chardok]

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

SO siggified. I may be a Democrat, and Pro choice, but I know good humor when I see it!

[Macross]

Dont remeber the exact wording, but as President he said: " I was a C+ student, I often wonder how far I could have gone if I had only applied myself."

[Master of Ossus]

I remember that he was receiving the gift of a baseball bat from a hall of famer, and he was looking at it saying "I can't wait for Congress to get back in session."

[Bob McDob]

"Libya has now gone Communist, and that's a sign that the day of Armageddon isn't far off."

"It isn't that Liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"Republicans believe every day is 4th of July, but Democrats believe every day is April 15."

"This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well let me tell you something; I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine and Governor... You're no Thomas Jefferson!"

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy. It's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket."

"When you see all that rhetorical smoke billowing up from the Democrats, well ladies and gentleman, I'd follow the example of their nominee; don't inhale."

"A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist."

"The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away."

"I've been told that I go over the heads of Congress. So what? A lot of things go over their heads."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

[Vympel]

Witty. Coherent. Funny. Startling contrast to that bumbling wonder-chimp in there right now.

[Chardok]

Witty. Coherent. Funny. Startling contrast to that bumbling wonder-chimp in there right now.

FUQ

[Mr. Sinister]

Ronald Reagan on Communism

(paraphrasing)
“I was told the story of a man walking at night in the Soviet Union. A Soviet soldier told him ‘Halt!’ The man took off running and the soldier shot him. A second soldier asked ‘Why did you do that?’ He said ‘Curfew.’ The second soldier said ‘But it’s not curfew yet.’ He said ‘I know, but he was a friend of mine. I know where he lives. He wouldn’t have made it.’”

[The Kernel]

"My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes."

This is my favorite by far!

[Col. Crackpot]

i'm parphrasing here

'It's hard to keep up on all the new trends, but i try. Pac-Man for example. They tell me that he's round guy that gobbles up money...and i thought that was Tip O'Neil!'

[phongn]

"My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes."

This is my favorite by far!

While it was a mic check, IIRC it was accidentially broadcast on-the-air

[Stofsk]

"My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes."

This is my favorite by far!

While it was a mic check, IIRC it was accidentially broadcast on-the-air

Didn't they hear it in Russia? My politics teacher told me a similar story, and whether it was true or to make the story sound more humourous he added to the end "and Russia went on Red Alert."

[Vympel]

It was heard, yes. Created a big stink.

[Durandal]

The man had a good sense of humor, and unlike certain presidents, those jokes didn't come at the expense of hundreds of American soldiers in Iraq.

[Sam Or I]

Heres a couple more:

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin."

"His hair was cut like Tarzan, he acted like Jane, and he smelled like cheetah." --About Hippies

"Nancy, I forgot to duck". --When he saw his wife while at the hosptial after being shot he was heard to remark.