"Five shitty movies that everyone loves"

Post by **Vympel** » 2004-06-17 08:27am

Galvatron wrote:You know it was cool when he strapped a cassette player to his leg and played cheesy (even for the time) 80s "rock" music to get pumped for combat.

*God* that was fucking stupid. How the hell are you supposed to hear your RWR with that shit on ?

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-06-17 08:39am

Vympel wrote:
Galvatron wrote:You know it was cool when he strapped a cassette player to his leg and played cheesy (even for the time) 80s "rock" music to get pumped for combat.
*God* that was fucking stupid. How the hell are you supposed to hear your RWR with that shit on ?

Vympel, that is the least of Iron Eagle's brainfarts. Lets take a look, shall we? 2 F-16's that were stolen and piloted by a mechanic and a 16 year old kid wiped out sqadrons of mirage...er MiG's, an oil refinery, an airbase, a wing of attack helocopters, landed to rescue a hostage, engaged in a fucking ground battle with an APC, took off, shot down some more mirage...er, MiG's and flew home. *takes breath* Still wanna complain about Gimme Some Lovin'! and One Vision blasting in the background?

Galvatron · Post by **Galvatron** » 2004-06-17 08:48am

Col. Crackpot wrote:Still wanna complain about Gimme Some Lovin'! and One Vision blasting in the background?

Great Caesar's Ghost!

You actually know the names of those songs?!

Post by **Vympel** » 2004-06-17 08:53am

Col. Crackpot wrote:Vympel, that is the least of Iron Eagle's brainfarts. Lets take a look, shall we? 2 F-16's that were stolen and piloted by a mechanic and a 16 year old kid wiped out sqadrons of mirage...er MiG's, an oil refinery, an airbase, a wing of attack helocopters, landed to rescue a hostage, engaged in a fucking ground battle with an APC, took off, shot down some more mirage...er, MiG's and flew home. *takes breath* Still wanna complain about Gimme Some Lovin'! and One Vision blasting in the background?

All I remember from that dumbass movie is the music and "flying with one hand on the ejection handle".

Really, which dumbass thought up that one? If you've got one hand on the fucking stick .... how exactly are you gonna operate the OTHER half of the HOTAS on your throttle if you're holding the damn ejection handle?

Whoever wrote that movie should be dragged out into the street, and shot.

Galvatron · Post by **Galvatron** » 2004-06-17 08:59am

I love this user comment about Iron Eagle 2 at IMDb...

Neonsamurai wrote:Throughout my teens I looked to the character of Doug Masters as a kind of big brother that I never had. He was cool, a hit with the ladies and had pretty much single-handedly wiped out a small Middle Eastern country in the film Iron Eagle. Like many teenage boys in the 80's I wanted to wipe out a Middle Eastern country of my own, but was never given the opportunity, so when I heard that there was going to be an Iron Eagle 2 I was very excited.

Now, bearing in mind that Doug had shot down dozens of evil, nasty non-American pilots in the first film, and that was without any training, he would now be an even better pilot, since he'd joined the US air force. But who could stand in Doug's way now? Surely this young pilot could single-handedly wage war on pretty much any country he wanted. Libya, Iraq, Columbia, Canada, no one could stop him.

However in the first two minutes of the film he was shot down and killed.

The rest of the film is a kind of blur to me now as I was in a state of shock and going through the early stages of post-traumatic stress disorder. I had just witnessed my elder brother (I know, I know I am seeing a therapist) getting killed by a Russian pilot! What made it all the more worse was that he'd not even put up much of a fight. Through the shock my mind started ticking over and analysing the situation.

`If Doug was capable of obliterating a country the size of Wales or the State of Washington and he'd just been shot down by some naughty communist, then surely a single Soviet pilot could wipe out the entire USA!'

I'm sorry, but I don't think that's very realistic. I've seen Red Dawn, so I know how easy Russians are to kill and this film failed to realise that But to make matters worse, the Americans then team up with the Russians to attack a small Middle Eastern country together! Hang on a minute! Doug could have done that by himself!

Don't watch this film. It killed the big brother I never had.

PeZook · Post by **PeZook** » 2004-06-17 09:08am

Vympel wrote: All I remember from that dumbass movie is the music and "flying with one hand on the ejection handle".

Really, which dumbass thought up that one? If you've got one hand on the fucking stick .... how exactly are you gonna operate the OTHER half of the HOTAS on your throttle if you're holding the damn ejection handle?

Whoever wrote that movie should be dragged out into the street, and shot.

You've missed the magic LED display that was able to tell a pilot when his missile destroyed an enemy aircraft. And a kid shooting down a veteran pilot with his trainer F-16. Not to mention the entire stunt did not cause an international FUBAR on a massive scale, no sir. It's not likie Libya was part of the soviet sphere of influence...

P.S.

Wasn't Iron Eagle III the movie where a P-51 pilot improvised chaff by throwing out pieces of aluminium foil out of his cockpit by hand?

Dirty Harry · Post by **Dirty Harry** » 2004-06-17 09:12am

lol

oh my god.... Galavatron, that is too good....

And I agree with maddox 100% about those films.

Dirty Harry · Post by **Dirty Harry** » 2004-06-17 09:18am

PeZook wrote:
Wasn't Iron Eagle III the movie where a P-51 pilot improvised chaff by throwing out pieces of aluminium foil out of his cockpit by hand?

Iron Eagle III?, I'm not too certain but didnn't that film involve a number of world war 2 planes shooting down jet-powered fighters? I'm having trouble remembering the specifics of the film. My minds suppressed them no doubt

.

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2004-06-17 10:53am

Dirty Harry wrote:
PeZook wrote:
Wasn't Iron Eagle III the movie where a P-51 pilot improvised chaff by throwing out pieces of aluminium foil out of his cockpit by hand?
Iron Eagle III?, I'm not too certain but didnn't that film involve a number of world war 2 planes shooting down jet-powered fighters? I'm having trouble remembering the specifics of the film. My minds suppressed them no doubt .

I don't know. Maybe, as I recall there were a number of truly shitty sequels. The second Iron Eagle was the only one that approached half way decent.

Galvatron · Post by **Galvatron** » 2004-06-17 10:54am

Sonny Chiba was in Iron Eagle III??

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2004-06-17 11:17am

He's a little off with the "corrupt German officials (played by Americans with fake German accents)" because in tSoAF Dressler was played by Alan Bates, an Englishman who has recently passed away.

Otherwise, funny.

Dirty Harry · Post by **Dirty Harry** » 2004-06-17 11:17am

Galvatron wrote:Sonny Chiba was in Iron Eagle III??

It would appear so.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2004-06-17 11:23am

Vympel wrote:
Galvatron wrote:You know it was cool when he strapped a cassette player to his leg and played cheesy (even for the time) 80s "rock" music to get pumped for combat.
*God* that was fucking stupid. How the hell are you supposed to hear your RWR with that shit on ?

Doesn't matter when your F-16 has the ability to not only reload the complement of 3 Mavericks, 3 iron bombs, 500 odd rounds of 20mm and two 'winders, but also turn into a two-seater just when you need to pick your pa up.

Alyeska · Post by **Alyeska** » 2004-06-17 11:34am

Tsyroc wrote:I thought they were F-5s. The Top Gun school used to use a lot of A-4s and F-5s as part of their adversary squadron. After the movie they even kept one plane panted black with the red star on the tail.

Anyway, if you want to see F-14s in a movie watch The Final Countdown.

The F-5 is the fighter version built off the T-38 frame.

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-06-17 04:06pm

Stofsk wrote:
evilcat4000 wrote:I dont agree with his review of Top Gun. Top Gun is a great movie. It is pure mindless fun.
Top Gun was good for seeing Tomcats (IIRC) blast Migs into little flaming wrecks, or just to see jetfighters doing aerobatics. Too bad we had to sit through an hour and a half of dreck resembling a plot.

Wrong. Top Gun was good for seeing Tomcats blasting models of F-5s into little flaming wrecks. They were F-5s! Tom cruise was killing airforce pilots who were just being trained! That bastard.

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-06-17 04:08pm

evilcat4000 wrote:
Top Gun was good for seeing Tomcats (IIRC) blast Migs into little flaming wrecks, or just to see jetfighters doing aerobatics. Too bad we had to sit through an hour and a half of dreck resembling a plot.
The MIGs in the movie were actualy USAF T-38 Jet trainers.

oops. yeah, that';s what they are. Why do I remember them as F-5s? Iron Eagle or something? (But those were f-4s...)

Bob the Gunslinger · Post by **Bob the Gunslinger** » 2004-06-17 04:08pm

SylasGaunt wrote:
Tsyroc wrote:
Anyway, if you want to see F-14s in a movie watch The Final Countdown.
Is that any good? I've seen it in the stores.

Oh and I love the TC plot generator.

Final Countdown is 80's sci-fi goodness.

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2004-06-17 09:49pm

Galvatron wrote: Oh come on. You know it was cool when he strapped a cassette player to his leg and played cheesy (even for the time) 80s "rock" music to get pumped for combat.

You're thinking of the first Iron Eagle.

Moderately good in it's cheesy badness.

Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take it is on the soundtrack and plays sometime after they decide they are going to try and get his father back.

He also plays Queen's One Vision to help them "make up time" on their combat mission.

'Cause you know that cool music makes your aircraft fly faster.

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2004-06-17 11:19pm

i especially like this...

A tribute to real men.

When did it become acceptable in this country for a man to go from being a rugged, plaid-wearing, beef jerky eating badass to a well-groomed, "metrosexual" girly-boy like Ben Affleck? Affleck recently agreed to be a spokesman for L'Oreal, with L'Oreal quoted as saying "Ben embodies a new generation of men who show their strength in their personality but are not afraid to care for their appearance." Afraid of taking care of their appearances? It's not that we're afraid you assholes, it's that we don't menstruate. What next? Men getting hormone injections so they can breast feed?

"Ben embodies a new generation of men who show their strength in their personality but are not afraid to breast feed their children."
Is it okay that I don't have a sense of style? Is it okay for me to scratch myself? I'm hairy. I like wearing plaid and I don't want to be told how to dress by some dude with a "queer eye." Is that okay with you sissies, or would you like me to package my balls and neatly carry them in a purse? For crying out loud. You're turning us into a nation of pussies.

That's why I wrote this tribute to real men, the kind of men who perpetuate our species, don't know what conditioner is used for, and don't apologize for not wearing makeup. Without further ado, real men:

Gregory Peck:

Gregory Peck is a man's man, the kind of man you read about in the bible. A man who came from a time when beating your woman was not only socially acceptable, but encouraged (not that I'm saying spousal abuse is right, I'm just saying that sometimes she deserves it). He has the charisma of Frank Sinatra and the rugged manliness of a lumber jack. Even his last name is manly: "Peck," the phonetic equivalence of a slang term for a man's chest; it's a simple, almost primitive sound like a grunt, straight and to the point without fancy extra syllables and gratuitous punctuation. His default expression is a determined scowl, like he's prepared to introduce you to the business end of his shoe if you look at him wrong.

Picture of Peck driving with a face full of scowl and a woman in the passenger seat, like God intended.

Unlike the self-serving asshole Christopher Reeve, Peck became chair of the American Cancer Society despite the fact that he never had cancer. His integrity was genuine on-screen and off. Hats off to Peck for being a real man.

Aron Ralston:

If you're asking yourself "who the hell is Aron Ralston," you'd better step back and re-evaluate your life right now. Ralston, the living legend, was hiking up a cliff in southern Utah (probably to do something manly like take a leak off of it), when a giant boulder fell on him, pinning his arm against the ground. Most people would have just died, but did he surrender his life to a mere giant life-threatening boulder? Hell no. He just kept getting angrier and angrier until he finally CUT OFF HIS ARM WITH A DULL KNIFE. This after he literally chiseled away at the bone so he could snap his arm off and free himself from underneath the rock. Yes, you read that correctly, he cut off his own arm with a dull pocket knife.

Since I don't have any credible sources of what happened next, I'm going to go off of the next best thing: hearsay and rumor. After he cut off his arm, he jumped off the cliff and broke his fall with his face, just because he's that tough. Then he got ambushed by a tribe of angry Indians, caught an arrow in his heart, pulled it out and killed all the warriors with it. On his way back a buffalo crossed his path so what did Ralston do? He head-butt it to death, then he found its offspring and broke their ribs just for pissing him off. Then he chopped down a tree with his undoubtedly large penis, built a raft out of it and rafted down the green river. That's the damn truth--more or less. Aron Ralston is a real man and one tough son of a bitch. He deserves utmost respect for being such a badass.

Captain Sigurdur "Iceman" Petursson:

I couldn't find a picture of captain Petursson, so I drew one:

Picture of Captain Petursson beating the shit out of a Dimetrodon.

Captain Petursson, the skipper of a trawler named "Erik the Red," was watching his crew gut some fish one day when he saw a shark swimming towards them. Did he grab his skirt and run screaming like some nancy-boy? Hell no! He ran alright, right into the water, grabbed the 660 lb (300 kg) shark by its tail, dragged it to land and MURDERED IT WITH HIS KNIFE!!*$# Holy shit!

Although he's called the "Iceman," I have no doubt this man was born and raised a pirate. How can he not be? He probably eats rocks and shits gun powder. If he were any manlier, he'd start a website where he lambasted morons who emailed him on a daily basis. Captain Petursson is a real man in every sense of the word.

John Hirsch:

John Hirsch was minding his own damn business in his back yard when a black bear had the audacity to assault him in his own home. Hirsch pulled out his 3 inch knife and called the bear on, circling him like a wrestler in a ring. The bear kept swatting at him, but Hirsch ducked, then stabbed the bear in the face each time it lunged. When the bear finally had enough of its shit ruined, it finally gave up and died like a pussy: its tongue was severed, jaw broken and it had several new assholes ripped into it, making it more aerodynamic (if you happen to be optimistic).

Of course, animal rights groups bitched about Hirsch, saying the bear was just looking for food. No shit? I'm sure the bear would have had no qualm about eating Hirsch, and the dumbass animal rights activists would have gotten a huge chubby if the bear had eaten him. I wish a bear would eat them instead.

That about covers it for this tribute to real men, but there's one more I have to mention:

Judge Mathis:

Judge Mathis deserves to be on this list simply because he happens to have the most finely tuned bullshit detector I've ever seen. Nothing gets past him. Sometimes he plays along with someone when he knows they're lying, letting the person build a complex house of contradictions thatched together with bullshit so he can come back and stomp everyone's ass in the court room. Judge Judy, Joe Brown, and "Texas Justice" Larry Joe have nothing on him. Mathis could chew them up and spit them out like a pile of soggy sausages. He's part Shaft, part Matlock (the non-flaccid, non-geriatric part), and all badass. Hail Mathis.

he forgot

Steve McQueen

Charles Bronson

Jon Voight

John Wayne

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2004-06-17 11:27pm

MY tom clancy plot

The Bush Administration devise a scheme to steal plans for a phased nucleogenic polaron pulse generator with a leather interior that need to be explained in layman terms for ransom under the watchful eye of corrupt US diplomats. The plot twists when the Bush Administration threaten to unravel the keystone of Stardestroyer.Net with wild animals, unless some kids from coolsville who calls themselves "The pup named scooby-doo kids"(the show from 1988) eager to prove their worth can overcome there fears and extreme reactive behavior and stop the Bush Administration once and for all. The movie ends with a mildly comical and/or ironic scene in which the G.W. Bush is unmasked an revealed to be Richard Nixon who was impersonating G.H. Bush and did it in a bad way. Bush then says "I would have done it if it wasn't for them meddling kids." Another satisfying tale of political intrigue and personal redemption closes, and we all walk away from this movie a little wiser.

Darth Raptor · Post by **Darth Raptor** » 2004-06-18 12:48am

I about choked when he launched into Morgan Freeman's nose. Especially the "poster".

Maddox wrote:It looks like someone slammed a potato in his face and he decided to keep it out of spite.