Battle for the Victory (My PSW fanfic)

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-10 08:12pm

Well this is first chapter of the fanfic I've writen. Hope you'll like it. any tips and/or fixes are wellcomed

....

Chapter 1

Anakin Skywalker looked around. This colony must be one of most coldest worlds in republic he thought, while at looking arid plains around the spaceport.

“Master why have did the council send us this frozen sandball” Anakin said. “The Republic has top secret project in this sector and local jedi have send raports that say that that separtist now know of this project and are using a local leader to capture or destroy this project.” Obi-Wan Kenobi said “we’re here to prevent that.”

“We’ll meet him at local cantina, lets go Anakin”

They rented one speeders from spaceport and headed to the cantina in city. The cantina was inside a fortress on top of a hill in midle of main settlement of the colony. For the top Anakin could apart for some hills and rock formation the settlement was surrounded by flat plains.

Inside of the cantina Anakin noticed typical mix of different races for major spaceport. While the wasn’t very big and would even exist if there wasn’t wealth of minerals on the planet.

Anakin looked around “Master, it’s very for Jedi to hide here look. Almost everybody wears similar robes to us.” Obi-wan looked at padawan fustraded Anakin has still lot to learn he thouth and walked to group of local militia soldiers.

“Master Kenobi, you should keep your padawan quiet.” One soldiers said. “And you should call me general Kenobi, Jaden.” Kenobi answered.

When the soldier rose from his seat Anakin could see the lightsaber attached to his belt. “I’m Jaden Ordo. I’m a Jedi Knight like master Kenobi, but you don’t have call me ‘master’, just Jaden will do.” The Jedi said “we’ll have leave now, it’s not safe to talk heare”

As the Jedi walked towards the door, group of merceneries stopped them. “where do you think you’re going !“ the leader of group a large twilek shouted “you’ll come with us” he added and grabbed his blaster, before the twilek could fire his weapons Jaden cut the leaders arm just above the wrist. Rest of the mercenaries fled leaving thier leader staring at the stump used to be his arm. “that is one way ‘disarm’ your opponent” Anakin said.

A loud sound of sirens came from the city. “what’s that?” Obi-wan asked. “an alarm if an attack comes” one soldier that had followed the jedi from cantina said. “the separtist are heare” he added after looking at the communicator he took from his belt.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-10 11:36pm

what?! Not even a stupid comment from Spanky, boy this must suck. Well back to the drawing board then. (BTW if this doesn't suck could somebody please tell that).

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2004-09-11 03:52am

As the Jedi walked towards the door, group of merceneries stopped them.

Just be a little more descriptive. Like with the above, don't just say they're mercenaries. Say something like:

"A group of surly-looking men moved to cut off their exit. Based on their steely glares and visible weaponry, Anakin guessed them to be mercenaries.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-11 04:20am

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:
As the Jedi walked towards the door, group of merceneries stopped them.
Just be a little more descriptive. Like with the above, don't just say they're mercenaries. Say something like:

"A group of surly-looking men moved to cut off their exit. Based on their steely glares and visible weaponry, Anakin guessed them to be mercenaries.

thanks

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-11 05:29am

Well revised fic a bit, so heare's a new version.

EDIT:revised a bit again.

...

Chapter 1

Anakin Skywalker look around. This colony must be one of most coldest worlds in republic he thought, while at looking arid rocky sand plains around the spaceport.

“Master why have did the council send us this frozen sandball” Anakin said.

“The Republic has top secret project in this sector and local jedi have send raports that say that that separtist now know of this project and are using a local leader to capture or destroy this project.” Obi-Wan Kenobi said “we’re here to prevent that.”

“We’ll meet him at local cantina, lets go Anakin”

They rented one speeders from spaceport, am old and rather slow model which had seen better days after some arguments from Anakin and headed to the cantina in city.

The cantina was inside a fortress on top of a hill in midle of main settlement of the colony. For the top Anakin could apart for some hills and rock formation there was nothing.

The settlement was surrounded by almost tree storey tall walls and behind them were the flat lifeless plains, dominaded by almost constant dust storms.

The settelement was typical colection of pre fadricated shelters and some special buildings for various duties.

Anakin could see the gigantic oxygen factories at edge of the city and at the distance he could see spaceport with it Tatooine like launch pits and some raised metal platforms for larger ships.

Inside of the cantina Anakin noticed atypical mix of different races for minor colony like this with traders, pilots, smugglers, miners and various others professions. While the colony was small and wouldn’t even exist if there wasn’t wealth of minerals on the planet.

Anakin looked around “Master, it’s very easy for a Jedi to hide here, look. Almost everybody wears similar robes to us.” Obi-wan looked at his padawan.

Anakin has still lot to learn he thought and walked to group of local militia soldiers in a dark alcove.

“Master Kenobi, you should keep your padawan quiet.” One soldiers said. “And you should call general Kenobi.” Jaden.” Kenobi answered.

When the soldier, a man about as tall as Qui-gon Jinn had been and about as young as Anakin rose from his seat Anakin could see the lightsaber attached to his belt and the general’s insignia in his black uniform’s collar.

Anakin also noticed that nobody else didn’t seem to be bothered with them “I’m Jaden Ordo. I’m a Jedi Knight like master Kenobi, but you don’t have call me ‘master’, just Jaden will do.” The Jedi said “we’ll have leave now, it’s not safe to talk here”

As the Jedi walked towards the door, group of harsh looking and heavily armed creatures, probaly merceneries stopped them.

“where do you think you’re going !“ the leader of group a large twilek who looked like he had been in many battles shouted “you’ll come with us” he added and grabbed his blaster, before the twilek could fire his weapons Jaden cut the leaders arm just above the wrist with swipe from his green bladed lightsaber.

Rest of the mercenaries fled panicing and hitting into each others, like stampeding Banthas, leaving their leader staring stunned at the burned stump used to be his arm.

“that is one way ‘disarm’ your opponent” Anakin said and put the mask, they had use outside, back on. “Anakin, behave yourself” Obi-wan said while puting his mask on

A loud sound of sirens came from the city. “what’s that?” Obi-wan asked. “an alarm if an attack comes” one soldier that had followed the jedi from cantina said his voice warped by sealed helmet he had.

“the separtist are heare” he added after looking at the communicator he took from the belt of his armor.

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2004-09-11 05:42am

Not to bad, needs a lot of spell checking though.

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2004-09-11 07:28am

Basically, it just needs to be a lot longer. You need to add in things that help us visualize the scene, and fill in the characters.

* Tell us what sort of speeder they rented. Have Anakin want a fast one, but Obi-Wan rents a piece of shit to blend in.

* Tell us briefly what the city looks like, and what the cantina looks like, and what sort of people are in there. Are they pilots, passengers, miners?

* Are the other people in the cantina surprised to see Jedi walking around in there with lightsabers on their belts?

* Did the Jedi sit down in a quiet corner booth to talk to Jaden, or did they just stand there in the middle of the floor?

* Why the hell did those mercenaries attack three Jedi?

* The one-liner about "disarming" the guy was a good line for Anakin, but for added effect you should have Obi-Wan scold him.

Just slow down and relax. Imagine it as a movie, and describe it. If the characters are in a new place, make sure we know what that place looks like. If we meet someone new, make sure we get a feel for the character.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-11 10:29am

GrandAdmiralPrawn wrote:* Why the hell did those mercenaries attack three Jedi?

it's explained in the next chapter. I'll try to add stuff when I have time.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-11 01:36pm

Added the title. and the is not misspelled it's a kind of a joke.

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2004-09-11 07:59pm

Getting better.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-09-13 01:46am

Lord Revan wrote:what?! Not even a stupid comment from Spanky, boy this must suck.

I generally don't read fanfics at all.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2004-09-13 02:06am

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:
Lord Revan wrote:what?! Not even a stupid comment from Spanky, boy this must suck.
I generally don't read fanfics at all.

And yet here you are posting in the fanfic forum...

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-09-13 02:15am

Them's the mysteries of the universe...

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-09-27 04:04pm

I'll probaly be able write chapter 2 this week.

Well here's chapter 2

....

Chapter 2

“why did those mercenaries attack us” Anakin asked “those were not mercenaries” a female voice said from behind. Anakin turned slashed with his saber, but his blow was blocked by another blue blade.

Anakin looked stunned at glowing red eyes that belonged to the creature that held the blade and were the only thing Anakin could see of her. “Anakin say hello to my padawan Marin Dell, Marin this is Anakin Skywalker and his Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. “

Greetings“ Marin said and stepped out of dark alcove she was in, now Anakin could she was chiss girl in her late teens and about same height as Padme.

“she was right, those ‘mercenaries’ were governor Tring’s shocktroopers” Jaden said “you sence them, because their training makes act and think almost like Nemodian Battledroids”

As they stepped out of the fortress they saw that the outer wall broken from several places and could hear the familirial sound of blasters and death.

“We must get to our fighters” Anakin said “we can’t do nothing here before republic fle...” rest of Anakin’s sentence drowned by engine roars of Acclamator-class transport.

“They were quick” Marin said and looked at Anakin like she knew something he didn’t, wouldn’t tell what it was.

A LAAT-gunship landed near the jedi and clonetrooper rank markings of commander stepped out amd ran to the jedi. “general, the droid army have taken control of spaceport and east gate” the commander said to Kenobi.

“the locals and our forces beating them back, but there’s a second wave coming and I dout that the defence grid can hold them.”

"We’ll need recapture the spaceport, before that wave arrives” Kenobi ordered “focus your troops to the spaceport” the entered the gunship as it lifted to join to battle at the spaceport

As the jedi arrived at spaceport, the clones who were with them in gunship started to blast the battledroids that were defending the spaceport to pieces. Anakin started to run to his modifed Delta-7 fighter.

“Lets go. The clones will deal with the droid, we will have deal with that second wave” Jaden said as climmed to his own fighter a sleek black and silver craft, build speally for him, Marin went to the co-pilot seat behind him and Obi-wan went to his own standard Delta-7

“this delta leader, all craft report in.” Jaden said.

“This is Delta 2 all system ready” Kenobi said.

“This is Delta 3 all systems ready” Anakin said

“this Gold leader we could, can you assist Delta group” a worried male voice said “all ready on our way gold leader” Jadden answered

the jedi fighters climmed join the local Z-95 starfighters. Trying to prevent second wave from reaching the surface.

Anakin looked at dense hail of turbolaser bolts coming from surface and wondered how anything get past that much firepower.

But 14 of the 25 transports in the first wave had reached their target zones and the droid army had destroyed several defence batteries.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-10-05 09:57am

Well chapter 2 now up and I've also some additions to chapter 1

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2004-10-07 02:39pm

aargh, the story itself is OK, but you reallyreally really need to use paragraphs and capitilisations. Its Painfull to read. And a little more exposition wouldn't hurt at all.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-10-07 03:52pm

Crazedwraith wrote:aargh, the story itself is OK, but you reallyreally really need to use paragraphs and capitilisations. Its Painfull to read. And a little more exposition wouldn't hurt at all.

I'll probaly need some help with that.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-10-09 07:43pm

Modified the text a bit. I hope it's easier to read now.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-11-09 12:16pm

I'm probaly gonna be able to write Chapter 3 soon (I hope).

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-11-12 01:51pm

This something I made. It's Jaden's Starfighter in its original colors (Jaden repainted it in Black&silver color to imidate pirates)

Edit: and in "true" color

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-11-13 10:32am

Now this chapter 3

....

Chapter 3

“This Delta leader concenstrate your fire on those droid figthers, gold group will deal with transports” Jaden commanded

“I got those 4” Anakin said and turned a formation of droid figthers into space dust with hail blue bolts from his cannons. “What is that?” Anakin asked looking at strange wedge shaped ship between two Rendili StarDrive Dreadnaughts.

“It’s the Victory, a new republic stardestroyer” Marin said, “You should’ve read the mission info Anakin”

“yes” Anakin said.

The republic ships opened fire on two Trade Federation Battleships launching the transport. Seven transport blew up in hail green blots and the federation started to take damage when their shield generator got over whellmed by the sudden hits of deadly turbolaser bolts.

The Separtist ship withdrew and jumped into hyperspace. The jedi could see huge holes in the hulls of the escaping ships. The republic ships and gold group took care of remaining transport.

“This is Victory to Delta group” A voice said “Senator Organa wishes to see you”

“you can dock in the main hargar”

“This delta leader, we understand prepare for our arrival. Delta leader out”

As the fighter landed in main hangar of the Victory a group clone trooper and protocol droid that look like it was build out of junk walked into the hagar.

“3PO? What are you doing here?” Anakin asked before the arrivals could say anything

“Master Annie, oh my , it so good to see you. And to reply to your question senator Organa thinked that my servises could be helpfull in this mission”

“The Senetor waits for you” a clone interrupted rudely

“lets go then” Jaden said.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-12-10 12:08pm

If You want to know this suppose happen after "Medstar" dualogy, but before "Jedi Trial" (Anakin is a Full Jedi Knight after "Jedi Trial")

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2004-12-10 01:23pm

And now chapter 4

......

Chapter 4

As the Jedi steaped out of the turbolift, Anakin could from huge window at back of bidge that they had jumped into hyperspace. He soon noticed that Padme was there talkin to the Gungan captain or the ship with Jar-jar. As Anakin went to takl with senator Amidala Obi-Wan and Jaden greeted Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan sent by the Senate to oversee the Project.

“General Kenobi. General Ordo. We have a security breach.” Senator Organa said

“Do you know who it is?” Jaden asked.

“More like what it is, it was a Human Replica Droid of very high quality.” Senator replied

“I always knew it had something to do with droids, why the separtists wanted this sector for. But this...” Kenobi said

“Indeed” Jaden said, as the ship jumped into realspace.

From the windows they could see hundres if not thousands station and ships that made up the shipyard they had arrived to.

Suddenly they noticed a large explotion on the biggest stations in the yard. A scout ship left the shipyard and headed for deep space.

“Master Kenobi I hope that don’t mind if I borrow your Padawan.” Jaden said as he ran for the turbolift.

“No, but do need him?” Kenobi asked.

“He’s without a dout the best pilot here. Anakin stop sudducing the senator and follow me”

the two men entered the lift and headed for the flight deck.

“We’ll use my fighter, there’s time get your Delta-7 ready” Jaden said as they entered the main hangar “you’ll be the pilot, I’ll handle the gunner station. Lets go”

They jumped to the cockpit and lauched the ship to follow the escaped scout.

“This Delta leader to scout AFDT-246524, stand down and prepare to be captured”
“Never. You won’t never capture me Jedi scum.” The female pilot of the scout said and ordered her craft to jump into hyperspace.

“We will never find it now” Anakin said

“Don’t worry there’s a homing beacon on the craft. I’m trasfering the cordinates to you, let’s follow”

“As you wish, master” Anakin said releaved

The Jedi craft jumped to follow the scout into hyperspace.

Lord Revan · Post by **Lord Revan** » 2005-01-03 04:26pm

here's chapter five

........

Chapter 5

“We have problem, Anakin. There’s fighter coming in.” Jaden said “I’ve alerted the fleet, they’ll be here in moments”

The Jedi had arrived into some kind of separtist shipyard in orbit of a gas giant, they could see several station and tugs, two damaged TradeFed battleships and a large cruiser of unknown design. There was also a lot droid starfighters coming their way.

“Our scopes say that the spy has entered that cruiser, so we must capture or destroy it” Ankin said

“You’re right , but there’s not much we can do without the fleet”

“that is not a problem, they are here”

Three wedge shaped ship’s arrived at the scene the Victory and two Vendator class Stardestroyers. The Republic ship started throwing a hail of blue and green turbolaser bolt at the separtist battleships that had powered up and joined the fighters.

“Why is that cruiser not joining the Trade Federation ships” Anakin asked

“It seem to imcomplete, our scopes are not reading any Hyperdrive, sensors or shield generators on it” Obi-wan said from the bridge of the Victory.

“Shuttle group Omega” Jaden said “This is delta leader. Disable and capture that cruiser.”

“Understood, sir” the Clonepilot said “ watch out for those fighters”

“Understood Omega leader. Anakin be ready, I’m gonna lauch our torps on that defence sat”

As the Jedi fighter lauched it’s Proton torpedos on its target and destroyed it, a Droid starfighter came behind it and open fire with lasercannons.

“where hit, portside engines are gone!” Jade said “Anakin try land on that cruiser, lets see help we can be to our troopers”

The Jedi fighter dived between firezones of the separtist cruiser and crashed into it’s hangarbay.

“We have to get to the brigde” Jaden said igniting his saber.

Anakin Looked as Jaden run towards the exit like green energy wirlwin and then jumped to follow deflecting blasterfire as he ran.

Two shuttles had already landed and their Clonetrooper were engaging the battledroid crew. Anakin and Jaden fought their to the bridge blastdoors leaving only wrecks of destroyed droids in their wake.

“locked” Anakin said angry

“Don’t worry Padawan Skywalker, I’ll just use master key for any door. Cover me” Jaden replied and started to cut the with his lightsaber

as the the door fel with big thump. The Jedi could see in the room was three Nemodians and a person that look like a young woman, but they could sense that it was in fact a droid, the spy they had followed here.

“how noble, but still too late” the woman said “finnish them”

The Jedi could hear the clank of droid feets.

“Hold them, I’ll take care of her” Jaden said and charged towards the droid.

The spy tried to gun to down the Jedi, but of her shot were deflected by a green wall.

As she drew a double-bladed vibrosword the Jedi was all ready in strike range.

Where ever she tried to strike the jedi was able to block her blow and the Spy was bearly able to block or parry his strikes.

“Master Ordo, here” said while fighting the B2s that tried to enter and threw curved lightsaber hilt to Jaden.

Jaden smiled as he lit the blood red blade and slashed with both sabers.

After few second the vibroblade dropped to the floor and jaden slashed the spy’s head of her neck.

Anakin saw that Jaden had cut the spy’s hands and head of and he had destroyed the droid, as Anakin looked out of the windows he could see that the Republic cap ships had turned one TradeFed ship into expanding fireball and the another was turning to run.

Post by **Rob Wilson** » 2005-01-03 06:10pm

Lord Revan wrote:here's chapter five

Well, what you need is some spelling and grammar aids (you're writing in a foreign language so don't be dis-heartened, it's bound to happen).

Mainly you need to flesh things out a bit more, few more descriptive passages and a bit more character work. Right now it reads more like a script than a story. But with a bit of work that can be sorted.

Other than that, there's potential here.