Kerry's new strategy: "Let the Wookie Win"

Augustus · Post by **Augustus** » 2004-09-27 11:16am

This was too good not to share.

BY JAMES TARANTO
Friday, September 24, 2004 2:00 p.m. EDT

'Let the Wookie Win'
A blogger called "bkm" has come forth with one of the most inventive insights of the 2004 campaign: John Kerry may actually be C-3PO, the neurotic, English-sounding metallic droid, who by the way served in the Clone Wars. We weren't about to take the word of some jammie-clad no-name, so we went out and bought the "Star Wars" DVD box set, released just this week (Karl Rove must've had something to do with the timing), watched the first movie, which is now called "Star Wars IV" for obscure reasons, and jotted down a bunch of Threepio quotes:

*"We'll be destroyed for sure! This is madness! We're doomed."

*"Hey! You're not permitted in there! You'll be deactivated for sure! Don't you call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease!"

*"Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there! I'm going to regret this."

*"How did we get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

*"Where do you think you're going? Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier."

*"What mission? What are you talking about? I've just about had enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! And don't let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won't get it!"

*"No more adventures! I'm not going that way."

*"That malfunctioning little twerp! This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better."

*"Protocol? Why, it's my primary function, sir. I am well versed in all the customs."

*"No, I don't think he likes you at all. No, I don't like you either."

*"It wasn't my fault, sir! Please don't deactivate me! I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning. Kept babbling on about his mission."

*"I suggest a new strategy, R2: Let the wookie win."

"Help! I think I'm melting! This is all your fault!"
The resemblance to Kerry's foreign policy is uncanny. C-3PO also has a lot of awkward arm movements, just like Kerry when giving a speech. On the other hand, Threepio has a certain lack of self-regard that is quite unlike the narcissistic Kerry. At one point, he tells Luke Skywalker: "I'm only a droid, and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I am on." Apart from the confusion about what planet he's on, this is a decidedly un-Kerrylike comment. You can't imagine this droid ever demanding: "Do you know who I am?"

If Kerry is C-3PO, which "Star Wars" character most closely resembles President Bush? The obvious candidate is Han Solo, whose cocksure attitude is reminiscent of the president's. "Bring 'em on," he actually says at one point, and at another, Princess Leia mocks him as a "flyboy."

On the other hand, some readers of the "bkm" blog see a resemblance to C-3PO's counterpart, R2-D2. As one explains anonymously: "He's not real articulate, and he doesn't say much, but he's resolute, calm in a crisis, and usually solves the problem while other people are arguing about it." Another reader, Nicole Griffin, offers this suggestion:

Perhaps the Kerry as Threepio and Bush as R2D2 thing would work well in the debates. Just picture it: Kerry can blather on and on in his Threepio fashion and Bush can just beep in response--it's not like anything Kerry will say will warrant a real response anyway. The level of discourse might actually be raised by such a tactic!

The thought of Bush beeping calls to mind another analogy from 20th-century popular culture: the Road Runner. One can imagine Wile E. Coyote opening an "Acme Purple Heart Kit" and having it blow up in his face.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2004-09-27 11:33am

It's sadly true. Kerry does act a little like Threepio, sometimes.

General Zod · Post by **General Zod** » 2004-09-27 11:38am

gotta link to that article there? otherwise, this is damned funny and frighteningly accurate. . . .

Augustus · Post by **Augustus** » 2004-09-27 11:45am

Darth_Zod wrote:gotta link to that article there? otherwise, this is damned funny and frighteningly accurate. . . .

Happy to oblige

http://www.opinionjournal.com/best/?id=110005670

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2004-09-27 01:41pm

If C-3PO were running for President, he'd get my vote...

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2004-09-27 01:47pm

DPDarkPrimus wrote:If C-3PO were running for President, he'd get my vote...

Yeah, but he's not a native born

.

Guardsman Bass · Post by **Guardsman Bass** » 2004-09-27 02:06pm

Rye wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:If C-3PO were running for President, he'd get my vote...
Yeah, but he's not a native born .

You could pay the Imps to make another there on Earth.

Bush is Solo without the competence.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2004-09-27 02:32pm

Rye wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:If C-3PO were running for President, he'd get my vote...
Yeah, but he's not a native born .

Simply replace all his parts with those made in the USA. LOOPHOLE!

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2004-09-27 02:42pm

Guardsman Bass wrote:You could pay the Imps to make another there on Earth.

Bush is Solo without the competence.

No, Han Solo is a basically decent guy. Certainly not a fundamentalist whack job.

If Bush is anyone it's Jabba the Hutt minus the brains. Nasty, intolerant, and corrupt.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2004-09-27 03:51pm

Just picture it: Kerry can blather on and on in his Threepio fashion and Bush can just beep in response

It would be the first time that Bush would sound truly inteligent.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2004-09-27 05:04pm

Stormbringer wrote:
Guardsman Bass wrote:You could pay the Imps to make another there on Earth.

Bush is Solo without the competence.
No, Han Solo is a basically decent guy. Certainly not a fundamentalist whack job.

If Bush is anyone it's Jabba the Hutt minus the brains. Nasty, intolerant, and corrupt.

I always thought that Bush's limited intelligence, poor command of the English language, and mindless optimism made him a fairly good analogue for Jar-Jar Binks.

The Cleric · Post by **The Cleric** » 2004-09-27 05:06pm

Darth Wong wrote:I always thought that Bush's limited intelligence, poor command of the English language, and mindless optimism made him a fairly good analogue for Jar-Jar Binks.

He doesn't have the ears yet, but he's working on them

Grand Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Grand Admiral Thrawn** » 2004-09-27 05:16pm

Darth Wong wrote:
Stormbringer wrote:
Guardsman Bass wrote:You could pay the Imps to make another there on Earth.

Bush is Solo without the competence.
No, Han Solo is a basically decent guy. Certainly not a fundamentalist whack job.

If Bush is anyone it's Jabba the Hutt minus the brains. Nasty, intolerant, and corrupt.
I always thought that Bush's limited intelligence, poor command of the English language, and mindless optimism made him a fairly good analogue for Jar-Jar Binks.

Who is manipulated by Palpatine (RE: Cheney) who is working on a Death Star (RE: Death Ray)

OMG SW predicted the future! Praise!

theski · Post by **theski** » 2004-09-27 06:36pm

Grand Admiral Thrawn wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:
Stormbringer wrote: No, Han Solo is a basically decent guy. Certainly not a fundamentalist whack job.

If Bush is anyone it's Jabba the Hutt minus the brains. Nasty, intolerant, and corrupt.
I always thought that Bush's limited intelligence, poor command of the English language, and mindless optimism made him a fairly good analogue for Jar-Jar Binks.

Who is manipulated by Palpatine (RE: Cheney) who is working on a Death Star (RE: Death Ray)

OMG SW predicted the future! Praise!

Are you sure.... Palpatine.. is not ROVE...

Sriad · Post by **Sriad** » 2004-09-27 09:12pm

BY JAMES TARANTO
Friday, September 24, 2004 2:00 p.m. EDT
[...]

If Kerry is C-3PO, which "Star Wars" character most closely resembles President Bush? The obvious candidate is Han Solo, whose cocksure attitude is reminiscent of the president's. "Bring 'em on," he actually says at one point, and at another, Princess Leia mocks him as a "flyboy."

On the other hand, some readers of the "bkm" blog see a resemblance to C-3PO's counterpart, R2-D2. As one explains anonymously: "He's not real articulate, and he doesn't say much, but he's resolute, calm in a crisis, and usually solves the problem while other people are arguing about it." Another reader, Nicole Griffin, offers this suggestion:

Perhaps the Kerry as Threepio and Bush as R2D2 thing would work well in the debates. Just picture it: Kerry can blather on and on in his Threepio fashion and Bush can just beep in response--it's not like anything Kerry will say will warrant a real response anyway. The level of discourse might actually be raised by such a tactic!

The thought of Bush beeping calls to mind another analogy from 20th-century popular culture: the Road Runner. One can imagine Wile E. Coyote opening an "Acme Purple Heart Kit" and having it blow up in his face.

Isn't that a bit backward? IIRC R2 was the droid injured in combat, and C-3PO was always trying to hide behind his flimsy respectibility... I also like how they're calling the debates for Bush because Kerry will answer questions and Bush will reply with a snide little beep.

But most of these quotes are just dumb little things that people are trying to pretend Kerry said.

...okay, except for *"That malfunctioning little twerp! This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better." That one's kinda funny.

CaptainChewbacca · Post by **CaptainChewbacca** » 2004-09-27 10:20pm

I LIKE IT

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Kerry's new strategy: "Let the Wookie Win"

Kerry's new strategy: "Let the Wookie Win"

Re: Kerry's new strategy: "Let the Wookie Win"