If Star Wars was an anime...

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-10-19 09:49am

One or two of these are outdated (with DVD, the dub-vs-sub wars are now a thing of the past), but it's still good stuff.

HOW STAR WARS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE ANIME

*Two words: missile swarms.

*Luke would do a lot more screaming.

*All the important stuff, like Ben's death, would be repeated three
times... and re-referenced later in flashbacks.

*Vader would be at least eight feet tall.

*X-wings and Y-wings would transform, and then combine to form a more
powerful craft.

*The Death Star's superlaser would have an even flashier charge-up
sequence.

*The destruction of Alderaan would be preceded by idyllic ground-side
sequences. Then everyone looks up, and BOOOOM. (cf Hiroshima)

*When Luke lines up on the exhaust port, he hears Ben's voice.
Everything freezes, tight closeup on one of Luke's eyes as the
background goes black. "Luke. Trust your feelings."

*Yoda would look much like Happosai.

*Fans would draw pictures of a naked Luke and Leia embracing *after*
their parentage was revealed. In fact, it might not be revealed until
after they'd slept together (cue the angst).

*Jabba the Inju would get a lot more, um, friendly with Slave Girl Leia.
(FAN SERVICE!)

*The Emperor would be even taller than Vader.

*The Ewoks would be even cuter. (Eeeeeee...)

*Lando and the Falcon would be destroyed, probably accompanied by a
flashback with lots of cherry blossoms.

*Han Solo, being the epitome of American Power, would be blond, carry
around a HUGE gun, and scare small children.

*Alternately, Han would wear an eyepatch and cape.

*The Mon Calimari would have ships that heavily resembled units from the
various Darius games. (Giant mechanical FISH!)

*Luke would have black hair, and be a lot more negative.

*Light sabers would be replaced by katanas or Chinese long-swords that
would glow so you could see which was flashing against the black
background. The swords would have to be metal, so that injuries could
be emphasized with gushing blood.

*Chewbacca would have horns, alhough he might otherwise resemble an
upright Mugi.

*The Emperor would have tall spiky hair and little bits of things would
float upward in slow-mo when he zaps Luke.

*Lightsaber scenes wouldn't be 9 (counted!) per 6-hour trilogy, but per
half-hour episode.

*The AT-AT would have claws. BIG ones.

*Vader would still be Luke's father, but we would would have known about
it waaaaay before Luke did.

*Luke's uncle and aunt would really be alive!

*The sandcrawler would have flown.

*We'd see the Sarlac's full body.

*Leia wouldn't have a band of surgical tape constraining her
generously-sized breasts in all three movies except for the Metal Bikini
scene.

*For that matter, Leia wouldn't have been wearing a Metal Bikini,
either.

*The Rancor wouldn't have had a big bold black outline, but it would
have drooled MUCH more.

*The AT-ST would have been either armless and rounded or armed and
squared-off, not armless and squared.

*Imperial pilots would have been cloned from the very beginning.

*Every time Vader tells some fool that he's underestimating the power of
the Dark Side, the bystanders would mutter "Sugee!"

*The music and soundtrack would be much worse and less orchestreated,
but have singable lyrics.

*Greedo wouldn't have been the only one with blue hair.

*There wouldn't be Imperial-class Star Destroyers. Super-class
Destroyers would be the *very bare minimum*.

*The sound of the Force would have been "DONNNNG!" (a la Akira) instead
of "WhwhWhwhWhwhWhwho..."

*Three words: Super Deformed Stormtroopers.

*Princess Leia would wear a sailor suit...and she would sing.

*Vader wouldn't have to squeeze air to kill a guy with the force. He
would just touch him and tell him "You are already dead," followed by
gratuitously vile explosions.

*Luke's aunt and uncle would run a dojo instead of a farm.

*The Millenium Falcon would sport a big skull and crossbones.

*Luke wouldn't have to use a rope to jump across a trench. Anime heroes
can jump as far as they want to.

*Emperor Palpatine would have a daughter. In an amusing mix-up, Luke
would be betrothed to her.

*Bandai would make kick-ass toys.

*R2-D2 would be cuter...and he would fly.

*The explosion of the Death Star would be shown with a sequence of
watercolor paintings.

*C-3PO would be a girl robot...with the hots for Luke.

*People would actually drink beer in the cantina.

*Luke would not build his own lightsaber. He would have to win it from a
demoness who has been imprisoned for thousands of years... and who has
the hots for Luke.

*Obi Wan Kenobi wouldn't disappear when Vader cuts him down, he'd get
sliced in half. It would just take him a couple of seconds to figure it
out.

*There would be a LOT more walkers.

*X-wings would have cool heads-up displays.

*Emperor Palpatine's legs and lower torso would dissolve into a mass of
cables and merge with the new Death Star.

*Did I mention Princess Leia's sporty yet feminine powered armor?

*Speeder bikes would be replaced by monster-sized racing cycles...with
lasers.

*Boba Fett would have a bigger part.

*A nemesis TIE fighter pilot would defect...and have the hots for Luke.

*Luke wouldn't agonize over Vader being his dad until AFTER he killed
him.

*The American voice actors would be crap, and the subtitled version
would be more expensive.

*Series titles would be Star Wars, Star Wars Zeta, and Forever Star Wars
Double Zeta. People would argue interminably about the time line
conflicts.

*And, last but not least, Imperial Stormtrooper armor would MOST
DEFINITELY NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BE WHITE!!!!

-- Collected by the Mekton Z Mailing List

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » 2004-10-19 10:12am

Iceberg wrote:*Jabba the Inju would get a lot more, um, friendly with Slave Girl Leia.
(FAN SERVICE!)

I was expecting Jabba to have tentacles.

wautd · Post by **wautd** » 2004-10-19 10:26am

Jedi would go Dragon Ball Z

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-10-19 11:03am

I think one could actually work (and no, not if "done like Cowboy Bebop").

Elheru Aran · Post by **Elheru Aran** » 2004-10-19 11:22am

iirc, there's a series of OT Star Wars manga comics... haven't seen them personally, but i've seen them advertised in the Insider.

Executor32 · Post by **Executor32** » 2004-10-19 11:37am

I like manga Leia's hair better than movie Leia's. She still has the goofy cinnamon buns, but she has bangs and the hair on the back of her head is merely pulled up in a loop, rather than pulled into the buns.

Praxis · Post by **Praxis** » 2004-10-19 11:39am

Funny stuff. Oh, and I saw those manga star wars comics once, and ran in terror.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-10-19 12:04pm

Elheru Aran wrote:iirc, there's a series of OT Star Wars manga comics... haven't seen them personally, but i've seen them advertised in the Insider.

There's also one for TPM (all from Dark Horse Comics, though I don't know if they're still in regular print circulation).

I have the four ANH volumes, and have read through several of the EBS and RotJ volumes. They're done in sort of a Ranma 1/2-ish style, and I personally think the art in ANH is the best.

But it works, and works very well.

VT-16 · Post by **VT-16** » 2004-10-19 02:46pm

Heh, funny enough, on one of TFN´s updates for the SW TV-series , they claimed that in addition to the Live-Action series, there might be a SW anime. Now this was a couple of months ago and I´ve never heard anything more on the subject, except a vague hint of an animated feature film alongside the TV-series.

Now these two things might not even be the same project, but if they are, I´m hoping for the story of how the Sith were seemingly made extinct, in the war that took place a thousand years before TPM. Would kick ass, imho.

The Original Nex · Post by **The Original Nex** » 2004-10-19 06:20pm

If Star Wars was an anime...

...I wouldn't watch it.

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 2004-10-19 07:21pm

.....lots of internal monolouges, flashbacks in black & white....

....all the "sidekick" characters would look like anime sidekicks, ie: less detailed, fat round and cute with lots of "whoa!" expressions.

Two words:

Sweat beads.

JediMaster415 · Post by **JediMaster415** » 2004-10-19 07:25pm

If Star Wars was an anime, I'd be a lot more obsessed.

There would be a lot more explosions, fistfights, duels and Force-fights going on. Dogfights, too.

Plus the Falcon would have more surprises than her frame can hold.

President Sharky · Post by **President Sharky** » 2004-10-19 07:32pm

This has been done before. But it's still good after all this time.

mauldooku · Post by **mauldooku** » 2004-10-19 07:38pm

Hey! R2 already flys!

I found this particularly amusing:

*Series titles would be Star Wars, Star Wars Zeta, and Forever Star Wars
Double Zeta. People would argue interminably about the time line
conflicts.

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2004-10-19 08:52pm

*Vader wouldn't have to squeeze air to kill a guy with the force. He
would just touch him and tell him "You are already dead," followed by
gratuitously vile explosions.

Man, I wish Showtime was still running Fist of the North Star. That show ruled. Kenshiro was the ultimate 80's action hero: Incomprehensibly violent, utterly sadistic in his dealings with the bad guys, with the personality of a wooden plank.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-10-19 10:27pm

I read through that list for first time just now, and while some are genuinely clever, most are mind-numbingly, idiotically stupid. Leave it to fans to fuck up a parody list to the point of banality.

For instance, they forgot this:

Every time a character (ex: Luke, Han) storms off in a huff, another character (ex: Leia) will watch them walk away with a worried expression and say the first character's name in a quiet, concerned tone, and stand silently for several seconds until the scene changes. This will happen at least once in every episode.

See? That's funny because it's refering to a specific cliche rather than a shoddy generalisation.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » 2004-10-19 11:30pm

The Original Nex wrote:
If Star Wars was an anime...
...I wouldn't watch it.

Seconded.

*R2-D2 would be cuter...and he would fly.

Half of that statemet is obsolete as of AOTC.

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2004-10-20 12:03am

Vader would also be wearing a tuxedo and cape.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-10-20 12:08am

You see? That doesn't even make any damn sense...

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2004-10-20 12:27am

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:You see? That doesn't even make any damn sense...

You're just too easy to get going.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-10-20 12:36am

Bah...

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2004-10-20 12:46am

Elheru Aran wrote:iirc, there's a series of OT Star Wars manga comics... haven't seen them personally, but i've seen them advertised in the Insider.

It's got some neat stuff. Like a shot of the DS1 surrounded by almost a hundred ISDs, or the Death Star sihiloetted and enveloped by Alderaan exploding.

Aki-Wan Hanabi · Post by **Aki-Wan Hanabi** » 2004-10-20 01:16am

All the ships would transform into huge combat suits, just like in Macross.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2004-10-20 01:30am

Piss-on-physics bendy beams. Don't forget the bendy beams.

And don't forget that in the lightsabre duels, the two opponents rush at each other, screen goes black, there's a small flash with that characteristic *Sching!* and the two characters have suddenly switched places on the screen, facing away from each other.

One of them spontaneously spews blood and collapses. The other turns around and spouts some weird mumbo jumbo.

Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman · Post by **Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman** » 2004-10-20 04:31am

Star Wars would have longer ending, with mellow theme song and impossibly cheerful scenes never shown in the movie (like Han & Leia playing frisbee on the beach, Vader melancholically staring at Amidala's photograph, or the Emperor playing with little kids on the park).

Heck, if Star Wars is an anime, it would soon be followed by a hentai version, where Luke, Han, & Leia have threesome together.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

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