My attempt at a SW fic (off-board)

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-10-26 05:51pm

I tried to write my own SW fic (an AU), where beside the story I wanted to describe technology, scale and anything else as truthful as possible.

Examples:
-Alderaan of course has a shield.
-When there is no resistance, the Empire can conquer a planet in one hour. (in this case Alderaan)
-The crew of the Death Star is many times greater than the population of Alderaan (which I estaminated at 7 billion people)
-Since a pure male military sounded unrealistic to me, I not wrote it as a pure male-club (and give a explanation why we don't see female officers in the movies)
-The Empire uses many combined arms to attack and secure a planet. (walkers, artillery, tanks, APC's, airforce, infantery...etc.)
-The globes on a SD are sensor domes.
-A fleet of 30 Star Destroyers, 3 light and 1 heavy cruiser + the Executor is only considered a small attack fleet.

...and much more.

It can be found at:
Story at theforce.net boards (Posted in a forum, but this one also has pictures)
Story at Fanfiction.net (Better to read, but no pictures)

I hope I did a good job.

Praxis · Post by **Praxis** » 2004-10-26 06:21pm

We do know the Empire has female officers, btw. Look at Daala and Ysanne Isard. HOWEVER, females generally have to work twice as hard to get promoted, so only the best and brightest actually get a considerable rank- Daala was the only female to get promoted to Admiral, because she pretended to be male, whooped every other admiral in simulations, then told the truth, and Tarkin decided to promote her.

consequences · Post by **consequences** » 2004-10-26 07:12pm

Well, I just hit chapter viii, so before anything else, send me the porn!

consequences · Post by **consequences** » 2004-10-26 07:20pm

And upon further reading, Colonel to Major General?! Who did Veers blow?

Edit: I sense a great disturbance in the fic, as if the SW Christmas special was referenced, and millions of readers cried out in pain and terror. The Dark side of the continuity is gaining strength.

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-10-27 02:46pm

Please send all requests for the "porn"-chapter via e-mail.

Spice Runner · Post by **Spice Runner** » 2004-10-27 05:39pm

Damn thats a long story. Great fic. You're planning a sequel too?

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-10-27 06:11pm

Spice Runner wrote:Damn thats a long story. Great fic. You're planning a sequel too?

Yes, I plan a sequel.
Should I mention here every time I post a new chapter a the theforce.net-boards?
I just hope I got the whole technology, scale...etc. right.

Spice Runner · Post by **Spice Runner** » 2004-10-28 03:50pm

Why don't you just post it here too? Or is it too big to do so?

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-10-28 05:10pm

Spice Runner wrote:Why don't you just post it here too? Or is it too big to do so?

It is LOT of work, as long as it is.
I just hope that I will get some critiques about the points I brought up above.

Spice Runner · Post by **Spice Runner** » 2004-10-28 10:47pm

Well I read everything you've written so far. I like it. The way you present technology and sizes is fine. I like that your story shows a maximalist rather than minimalist view. And most important of all the plotline and story is very interesting.

For updates, I'm eagerly waiting.

Kazuaki Shimazaki · Post by **Kazuaki Shimazaki** » 2004-10-31 07:01am

This story looks good enough for comment.

"Primary ignition canceled! Power level in main weapon back to zero!" came from fire control. Bast relaxed. Vader's orders would not be violated. But Tarkin was a different matter. He was red-faced with anger, anger directed towards the masked Sith Lord

Wow. 1E38J goes away really fast. Did it merely head back to the capacitator, or did you vent it to space in neutrinos?

"Lord Vader, the shield is lowered! Viceroy Organa himself promised, that there will be no resistance!" the man at the comm reported.

Personally, I disagree from apparent action that Organa would give up so easily. However, I still agree with the choice, because it is the more technically plausible choice - the low power option requires such great precision it'd be quite unachievable.

Vader's thoughts are portrayed OK, I think, but the diction is not enough ... Vaderish IMO.

"Oh Ani, why did it had to be that way? Why have you trusted that tyrant, who now is your master? We could have been such a good family..." With tears in her eyes she watched as the troops proceed to capture all key positions

Be fair, everyone trusted him, down to more experienced Jedi.

"Lord Vader, here General Tagge! The planet is secured, and viceroy Organa, the government and court arrested!"

General Tagge would dare speak with Lord Vader in this casual manner?'

Overall, Chapter 1 looks promising except for some phrasing choices. It bodes well for the rest.

It seems representative of the good and bad. The technical stuff was good. I hadn't seen a large scale Reb-Imp fight yet, but the Imperials are winning for once. Nice mention of the sheer irresponsibility of the Rebel Alliance in their planning for the new government and showing what a bunch of loose sand it really is. Nice putting a bit of 3D behind Piett, though he really was only promoted to Captain, not LC in "reality". The only really bad problem I can see is the dialogue. Everyone seems more the way adolescents speak, whether they are Emperor, Dark Lord, Jedi, Naval Officers. I know it is hard to make them all sound right, but do make an effort. At least don't go "General Tagge here" as if this is some kind of casual phone call.

I'm logging this thread as one I'm reading. Keep it up!

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-11-14 08:12am

I've updated it at both fanfiction.net and theforce.net .

Kazuaki Shimazaki · Post by **Kazuaki Shimazaki** » 2004-11-14 08:18am

Tribun wrote:I've updated it at both fanfiction.net

Update? What update? I'm not struggling to be heard over all those TFN people. How can you have built 65 chapters so quickly?

EDIT: Ah, never mind. NOW it shows. But how come one is at at Ch. 65 and the ohter is at 12?

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-11-14 09:48am

Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote:
Tribun wrote:I've updated it at both fanfiction.net
Update? What update? I'm not struggling to be heard over all those TFN people. How can you have built 65 chapters so quickly?

EDIT: Ah, never mind. NOW it shows. But how come one is at at Ch. 65 and the ohter is at 12?

Because I mainly write at theforce.net, and when I've written 5 Chapters there, I put them together into one chapter for fanfiction.net (I still need to do the last one for ff.net).

Post by **NecronLord** » 2004-11-14 11:11am

Bah! You bad person. Killing all the gungans indeed! Pfft!

Post by **NecronLord** » 2004-11-14 11:54am

Incidentally, could you forward VIII/A to necron(at)stardestroyer.net?

Tribun · Post by **Tribun** » 2004-12-16 12:08pm

I hope that some other can tell me, if I got size, scope and technological stuff right.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

My attempt at a SW fic (off-board)

My attempt at a SW fic (off-board)

OK, here I go...