Religious Humor...

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2002-11-06 06:29am

Freedom of religion includes the freedom to laugh at it.

Family values: My family is good, your family sucks.

Every time I have all the answers, someone changes the questions!

Get a taste of religion.....bite a nun!

"God is dead." (Nietzsche) ... "Nietzsche is dead." (God) ... "God is Nietzsche!" (Dead)

I believe in a God that doesn't need heavy financing. - Fletch

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.

Jesus died for our sins... Let's not disappoint him!

Jesus loves you. But then again, so does Barney.

Jesus saves, passes to Moses, He shoots, He SCORES!!!

Jesus saves...Moses invests...but the Mongol Hoards!!!

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

One man's myth is another man's religion.

One nation under God; with liberty, fries & a Coke to go.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Sects, sects, sects! Is that all you priests think about?

Thy output come, thy input done. On disk as it is in memory.

Total spiritual enlightenment helps me score with chicks.

Do I believe in the Bible?! Sheesh, man! I've seen one!!!

Do preachers do more than lay people?

End of sermon. Let the orgy begin.

Post by **haas mark** » 2002-11-06 06:32am

Thy output come, thy input done. On disk as it is in memory.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR too many sexual implications with this one!

But LMMFAO anyways!!!

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2002-11-06 06:32am

And another....

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2002-11-06 06:32am

More...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human, because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Post by **haas mark** » 2002-11-06 06:33am

EmperorMing wrote:"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

WOOT!!!

Post by **haas mark** » 2002-11-06 06:33am

EmperorMing wrote:More...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human, because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2002-11-06 06:38am

Last one for now...

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly man who sat calmly his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked;
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Post by **haas mark** » 2002-11-06 06:42am

OMG!! ROFL!!! TOO MUCH!!!

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2002-11-06 06:46am

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!!!

Crazy_Vasey · Post by **Crazy_Vasey** » 2002-11-06 06:54am

That last one was brilliant

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2002-11-06 09:27am

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH*Looks around, Dashes into the fog and darkness*

Ted · Post by **Ted** » 2002-11-06 10:17am

MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alferd Packer · Post by **Alferd Packer** » 2002-11-06 11:27am

This one's a little more topical...and vile.

"The Catholic Church: Where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar."

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2002-11-06 11:36am

Alferd Packer wrote:This one's a little more topical...and vile.

"The Catholic Church: Where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar."

Snort, laugh, cough, laugh.............

Setzer · Post by **Setzer** » 2002-11-06 12:13pm

Alferd Packer wrote:This one's a little more topical...and vile.

"The Catholic Church: Where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar."

I like that one... and I'm a christian, so it's telling you what I think of the Catholic Church.

ElBlanco · Post by **ElBlanco** » 2002-11-06 02:27pm

From a devout Catholic and former altar boy:

A priest was hearing confessions when he realizes he needs to use the bathroom. He looks around for another priest to replace him but only sees a painter working on the wall. The priest runs up and says, " Quick, I need you to hear confessions for a few minutes while I am in the bathroom"

The painter ask," But what can I do?"

"Easy, just hear their sins and tell them to say a few Hail Marys and I will be back in no time"

So the painter steps into the confessional to hear the sins.

The first man walks in and says, " Bless me father for I have sinned. I have comitted adultary"

"Thats not so bad," says the painter," 5 Hail Marys and never do it again."

The second man walks in, " Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. My sins are adultary and anal sex."

The painter tells him to say 10 Hail Marys and never do it again.

A third man comes in and confesses to adultary and oral sex. The painter doesn't know what to do at this point, because of the seriousness of the sin, so he looks for the priest. All he finds is the altar boy setting up for the mass. "Quick, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy looks up, "Milk and cookies"

Enlightenment · Post by **Enlightenment** » 2002-11-07 07:17pm

Jesus saves...Moses invests...Allah blows up the building.

Post by **haas mark** » 2002-11-07 07:22pm

Alferd Packer wrote:This one's a little more topical...and vile.

"The Catholic Church: Where the only way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar."

very funny.....*looks away*

That particular one I didn't find very funny....I had a mentor that was a Catholic priest,. so I have room to speak....just don't post another one like that...

Also:

http://www.saysgod.com