"Adopt us, O Canada!"

[dr. what]

Hilarious.

link

As a blue-red split continues in the Divided States of America, we note that every blue state is contiguous to Canada or to a another blue state that is contiguous to Canada, except Hawaii - that's not contiguous to anything but a lot of blue water that's contiguous to Canada.

Therefore, we've got an idea. How about a sort of second American Revolution, Canada, in which you annex all the blue states, liberate us from King George, and thus become the world's sole superpower.

What Canada Gets:

• Higher education: All eight Ivy League universities, Stanford, U. Chicago and Northwestern all just lowered their admissions standards for the kids from Saskatchewan.

WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE:

• Serious sports: Forget the Super Bowl. With the Eagles, Patriots, Steelers, Jets, Vikings and Packers, the Grey Cup is where it's at.

You get the Expos back as they're now in D.C. But who needs the Expos when you've got the Red Sox, Yankees, Twins, Mariners, Giants, Dodgers, Angels, Padres, Phillies and Pirates. The World Series is coming! The World Series is coming!

The Raptors are Canada's favorite basketball team? We don't think so.

What about Flyers-Maple Leafs? Flyers-Canadiens? Settle the strike and drop the puck.

• Warm-weather vacations: Sun yourselves whenever you want in Southern California or Hawaii at Canada's beautiful beaches.

• The cultural arts: Tourists will love Canada's museums including the Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Plus, in addition to Broadway, the Kennedy Center and top regional theater, we're throwing in our best orchestras - Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago and L.A.

• The entertainment industry: You already love our movies and TV shows more than those red-staters and now when that rare production shoots in California or New York instead of Vancouver or Toronto, you still get credit for the jobs and the tax revenue.

• The automobile industry: Ohio can keep its Honda plant. GMs, Fords and Chryslers are made in Canada.

• The biotech industry: With many of the world's top biotech firms located in Massachusetts, New York, Washington and California (thanks to $6 billion in new stem cell research funding), it's likely that Canadian scientists will cure cancer and heart disease within the next 50 years.

• The computer industry: That's right, we keep Microsoft, Apple, Hewlett-Packard and Silicon Valley. "America" gets Dell.

• A burgeoning tourist industry: You've now got a lot more to sell than Toronto, the Cabot Trail and the glaciers in Banff. Even red-staters love to visit Atlantic City, the Liberty Bell, Maui, the Space needle and Disneyland (now Disney Canada).

• Fresher produce: Canada, the artichoke, garlic and strawberry capital of the world. And Canadian wines just got a whole lot tastier.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger: He can't be president but he'd make a swell Canadian premier.

What the Red-Staters get:

• Exactly what they want.

What Blue-Staters get:

• Canadian citizenship: And we don't even have to move.

• "O, Canada": A national anthem that's much easier to sing than "The Star Spangled Banner."

• Free flu shots. (Not to mention free health care.)

You don't like our "values," red-staters, you've got your wish - we're outta here.

But remember, the next time you want to see a Broadway show, visit wine country, Hawaii or the birthplace of liberty, don't just bring your Visa card, bring your visa.

You're in Canada now. And we're tightening our borders.

Don't delay, Canada. This offer expires in four years.
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[Wicked Pilot]

I actually wonder how the red states would survive if the blue split off. I mean, they'll have a few good states like Texas, but all the loser states, the whole South for example, are just gonna drive the Red States of America into the hole. In fact, Texas would probably find itself going back go Mexico in a few years.

[Xenophobe3691]

I actually wonder how the red states would survive if the blue split off. I mean, they'll have a few good states like Texas, but all the loser states, the whole South for example, are just gonna drive the Red States of America into the hole. In fact, Texas would probably find itself going back go Mexico in a few years.

Hey, there's Florida. Dont knock FL. Then again, PBC, Broward, and Miami-Dade all went for Kerry, so we'd probably secede...

[White Haven]

I can dig it. Just give me a few weeks warning before the big day, I need to pack up and get the hell out of Virginia.

[ReinnResauq]

Ok, this is probably the best idea I've heard all week. Except this:

• "O, Canada": A national anthem that's much easier to sing than "The Star Spangled Banner."

Ok, no offense, Canadians, but your national anthem, while addictive, doesn't evoke the strong sense of nationalism that the Star Spangled Banner does. With the high notes and raw power, as a Canadian, I'd just have to steal it's melody and make new lyrics.

Besides, one of the coolest things about the Star Spangled Banner is that the first verse is secular. If the Pledge of Allegience sickens me, having to pray for "God keep our land glorious and free" before every baseball game would make me vomit.

[brianeyci]

Ok, no offense, Canadians, but your national anthem, while addictive, doesn't evoke the strong sense of nationalism that the Star Spangled Banner does. With the high notes and raw power, as a Canadian, I'd just have to steal it's melody and make new lyrics.

No strong sense of nationalism? Are you on crack? The whole anthem is about protecting and loving Canada. And we do it without warmongering. "Standing on guard" is a whole lot better than "bombs bursting in the air".

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Besides, one of the coolest things about the Star Spangled Banner is that the first verse is secular. If the Pledge of Allegience sickens me, having to pray for "God keep our land glorious and free" before every baseball game would make me vomit.

I understand, but is it really any worse than hearing about bombs in the air and a fort under seige? If you look at the big picture, Canada is a shitload more secular and multicultural than the US, so saying something vague like "God" shouldn't be so bad.

Brian

[Rogue 9]

"Standing on guard" is a whole lot better than "bombs bursting in the air".

Point of order: Those bombs were British. Fort McHenry was standing guard over Baltimore Harbor; the anthem doesn't describe an American offensive operation.

[Stravo]

On the Star Spangled Banner - I agree that its far superior to the O Canada anthem. One of the best things written about the anthem was in the Play Angels in America "the guy who wrote that song knew what he was doing when he placed freedom with a note so high no one could reach it." or something to that effect.

[brianeyci]

Point of order: Those bombs were British. Fort McHenry was standing guard over Baltimore Harbor; the anthem doesn't describe an American offensive operation.

Did the Fort not shoot back? Some of the "bombs bursting in air" were obviously US cannons.

Brian

[Rogue 9]

Point of order: Those bombs were British. Fort McHenry was standing guard over Baltimore Harbor; the anthem doesn't describe an American offensive operation.

Did the Fort not shoot back? Some of the "bombs bursting in air" were obviously US cannons.

Brian

And you propose that they what, let the British sack Baltimore? Besides, airbursting bomb shells were a British invention; I don't think they had them in the fort.

[DPDarkPrimus]

On the Star Spangled Banner - I agree that its far superior to the O Canada anthem. One of the best things written about the anthem was in the Play Angels in America "the guy who wrote that song knew what he was doing when he placed freedom with a note so high no one could reach it." or something to that effect.

The Star Spangeled Banner is a poem. It was set to a pre-existing melody... and it twists the meaning of the poem, even, creating a statement out of a question ("Oh say, does that star spangeled banner yet wave/O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?").

[Ma Deuce]

Even as a Canadian, I also have to admit that "The Star Spangled Banner" is a superior anthem to "O, Canada", but the Russian/Soviet anthem (in terms of the tune and music, of course) beats them both...

[Joe]

In Soviet Russia, anthem sings you.

[Glocksman]

Within the blue and red states, there's a lot of division. Just look at the county vote breakdowns in each state (Pennsylvania for example). Some counties are hardcore supporters of one candidate while other counties within the same state are equally hardcore about the other.

If the blue states tried seceding to join Canada or the red states tried seceding to get away from the blue states, all that would be accomplished is the ignition of a civil war.

[Glocksman]

Eep.

That last sentence should read "If the blue states tried seceding to join Canada or the red states tried seceding to get away from the blue states, all that would be accomplished is the ignition of a civil war within the state(s) that was/were trying to secede.

[Loner]

I actually wonder how the red states would survive if the blue split off. I mean, they'll have a few good states like Texas, but all the loser states, the whole South for example, are just gonna drive the Red States of America into the hole. In fact, Texas would probably find itself going back go Mexico in a few years.

But they have god on their side. Surely he would save them from such catastrophe.

[CaptainChewbacca]

In Soviet Russia, anthem sings you.

*rimshot*

[Darth Wong]

Besides, one of the coolest things about the Star Spangled Banner is that the first verse is secular. If the Pledge of Allegience sickens me, having to pray for "God keep our land glorious and free" before every baseball game would make me vomit.

Some people (including my son's private school) replace that line with "O Canada, glorious and free". The original line is a piece of tradition that will hopefully wither away someday, but to be honest, atheists in Canada don't get too worked up over it. I think part of the reason for the apathy is that the religionists in our country don't have enough influence, audacity, or just plain assholery to shove it down our throats every day as proof that the nation should be run on Judeo-Christian principles. America is more divisive this way; the atheists launch lawsuits to keep their kids from saying the Pledge of Allegiance while the religionists try to criminalize anything that offends their religious beliefs. That's what you get when you view compromise as a synonym for "not having principles".

[Bertie Wooster]

I'm just curious, but suppose the Northeast and the West did secede from the US, how would it be more advantageous being part of Canada as opposed to being independent?

Wouldn't the Cali-Oregon-Washington bloc, and the Northeast bloc be better off forming their own respective countries?

Hell, the West could even form a union with British Columbia, and the Northeast could create a new country with Ontario. Maybe that would be an even more agreeable development.

[Uther]

Um, no. If anything, we adopt Canada.

"I'm Moe Green! You don't buy me out. I buy you out."

[Darth Garden Gnome]

Some people (including my son's private school) replace that line with "O Canada, glorious and free".

Ugh. It just doesn't sound right. The way some can do it, they make "God keep our land, glorious and free" line seem really triumphant.

And as a bonus to moving to Canada, I have O, Canada's melody memorized on my baritone. I only know the counter melody part to Star Spangled Banner, so it seems like a natural progression towards a greater musical whole.

[Guardsman Bass]

Most of the Red States are net importers of federal funds, while many of the blue states like California and New York are net exporters of funds. The Red States would probably be forced into a holy war against Canada in order to fill the public treasury.

Canada, as tempting as the offer looks, DO NOT ANNEX SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA! Or rather, since I live in a Red State, go ahead; now YOU get to deal with illegal mexican immigration!

[Glocksman]

Like I said, the whole idea is ludicrous simply because any attempt by a state to leave the US would cause that state to have a civil war within its borders as its inhabitants fight over secession.

Just look at this county map of the election results:
Linky
.

Such columns may make the losers of the election feel better, but the idea is simply wankery to anyone who knows anything about US politics and demographics.

[Darth Wong]

Like I said, the whole idea is ludicrous simply because any attempt by a state to leave the US would cause that state to have a civil war within its borders as its inhabitants fight over secession.

You don't think anyone in the thread was actually taking the idea seriously, do you?

[Glocksman]

I've been hanging out at the DU forums and a lot of the posters there really believe such talk.

I guess I'm taking this post here way too seriously as a result.