Dont read if youre not into personal stuff

[haas mark]

I need advice....I mean MAJOR advice.....I dunno what I should do.

Here are my two most recent journal entries...

3:18AM - I'm going ot go off and be depressed, now, there's no point in trying to be happy...

I had a very long conversation with sf_treat tonight. Man, I love talking ot him....he's sometimes the only one that can really put a smile on my face. It's like we really are best buds....but we have yet to meet. I would love to meet him. Of anyone can help me get out to San Francisco and back to ABQ, I'm taking donations!

Well, it seems that he and I are meant to be friends......every time he tells me *hugs* it's like I feel it here........every time I chat online with him, he always sends me his feelings...no matter where I am, or at which computer....he just does. No one else has ever been able to do that, not even velvetgashes, one of my best friends IRL. It's like I feel held, and warm when he tells me that...it's such a weird feeling. But it's a good feeling.

Peter has made such an improvement on my week...and it is all going to drop once I wake up tomorrow. I'm going to wake up and realize that I *don't* have someone there to really hug me, and I *don't* have someone there giving me the advice that he's given me. It really sounds crazy, but he is one of the reasons I even decided to write tonight. He even gave me inspiration to write a poem.

I dunno what it is about him, but he is one of the coolest people I have ever met online, and one of the people I am making it a goal to meet within the next few years.

I just want to break down.

I just want to cry......but I don't want to cry until I have someoen's shoulder to cry on, someone that will understand. A pillow isn't good enough...it never has been, it never will be........I need another person.....

And whenever you get to read this, I want you to know that you have everything it seems that I look for in a personality.......value that always...you are a perfect friend...

I no longer have the heart to write any more....I will break down if I do....

Blessed Be,
Patrick.

Lovingly.

Current mood: melancholy
Current music: Music will depress me further

-----------------------------------------

4:29AM - Okay, I'm ready for another entry...

Do you ever get the feeling that you never are going to find that special someone (don't answer that, Yin)? Do you ever find that maybe you just can't be enough for the one person you like? I am feeling that way now....and it sucks ass. I have one guy that I really, truly care about...and all he does is ignore me. He tells me to call him. I do, but nobody answers. I leave a voice mail (three) leaving my phone number and a message, "Call me whenever." Of course, I don't get a call. No, Patrick isn't allowed to get a call from the guy he likes. No, Patrick isn't allowed to get to the one he cares about, the only person he's ever felt the same way about one other person. No, he's not allowed to have any happiness.

Assume that I'm going to have some really depressing entries for a few days.

I am NOT the happiest person in the world right now...I'm sure that there are some that are just as unhappy, but fuck it, right now, I need to take care of me. I need to learn what *I* need. I need to figure out what it is that's gonna keep *me* going. I need to figure out how I'm going to get a job, how I'm going to support myself next semester, how I'm going to get by. I need to know this, and I need to know it soon. I need to get my shit together. I need to get myself in gear. I need to get everything together.

And now, of course, I want to talk to Miriam, and she is online, and she is drunker than a fucking monkey. And of course, no one told me about it, so I am once again stuck at the computer lab. For an entire fucking night. Again. Do you know how hard it is to know that all your friends are out having fun and you're stuck in the fucking computer lab all fucking night because you're a fucking insomniac and you have fucking nowhere else to go!? It is fucking hard. I can't sleep, and I can't go out. On a FUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT. Yes, I can't go out on a Friday night. That is what sucks the most. That people won't invite me over when they have something to do. And of course, I can't go. No, I am not allowed any happiness, am I?

I can't have a job, because i can't get off my lazy ass to actually go get the applications for jobs.

I can't have a car because I don't have the money, because i can't get off my lazy ass to go apply for jobs.

I can't have a viola, or an apartment for the same reason.

I can't have a boyfriend just because. I am looking, and am getting bold, but I have yet to find someone for me.

And then of course, I have to be hounded by my family. Ugh. I need to get away from everything.

To where, I don't know.

Please, somebody help me. I don't know what to do. I don't plan on hurting myself, I don't feel that bad...but I need some help.......

*breaks down and cries*

Current mood: distressed

[HemlockGrey]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to improve, get up, dust yourself off, stop bitching, and actually start working on it. You can either sit at a computer and gripe and regret it, or you can get up and start working at improving your life.

[haas mark]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to improve, get up, dust yourself off, stop bitching, and actually start working on it. You can either sit at a computer and gripe and regret it, or you can get up and start working at improving your life.

What the fuck do you think the point was? I know I need to get up, and what the fuck do you think I plan on doing? And I'm sick of you fucking hounding me all ove rthe fucking place because sometimes I wish I had a fucking life that I could fucking deal with! Now how about something other than your "poor baby" attitude for once, huh?

[Shinova]

Holy...

"Hard life" is such an understatement.

I don't know what to say or suggest, except that we can hear you. Your suffering has not gone ignored, and though I don't have any help to offer, I can at least lend an ear (metaphorically speaking, since this is a message board).


One piece of advice I can perhaps give is to...find something in life that the rest of you can hold onto, and let that carry you to prosperity. Sooner or later you can find the funds to meet this Peter, get a decent lifestyle, and make a good living.

What I have to offer is mostly philosophical junk, but you have not gone unheard, and I wish you the best of luck for everything.

[neoolong]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to improve, get up, dust yourself off, stop bitching, and actually start working on it. You can either sit at a computer and gripe and regret it, or you can get up and start working at improving your life.

I agree. Sometimes life kicks you in the balls. It doesn't mean you take it lying down. Get up and start doing something about your life. Everything won't just fall into your lap. Take some intiative and go for what you want.

[Shinova]

Are you in college, verilon? What major?

[haas mark]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to improve, get up, dust yourself off, stop bitching, and actually start working on it. You can either sit at a computer and gripe and regret it, or you can get up and start working at improving your life.

I agree. Sometimes life kicks you in the balls. It doesn't mean you take it lying down. Get up and start doing something about your life. Everything won't just fall into your lap. Take some intiative and go for what you want.

Hey, I'm trying to......I DID ask for some advice, not for a "kick Verilon in the balls some more." Look, maybe you don't understand, but these past few weeks have been a living hell for me. You won't understand how, and I'm not going to tell you how, but it has been. That's all you need to know. Look, I need some time to get myself together, and its basically just a rant. Get over it. Why do you think I titled the topic the way I did? I am also in quite a bad mood, if you haven't already noticed. I am trying to get myself together. Maybe if you atually read it all you would understand?

[haas mark]

Are you in college, verilon? What major?

Yes; Computer Science. And it is very pressing right now....I just haven't mentioned that in the entries. I don't need to. I don't see the point.

[Shinova]

How are your studies going?

[Shinova]

Are you in college, verilon? What major?

Yes; Computer Science. And it is very pressing right now....I just haven't mentioned that in the entries. I don't need to. I don't see the point.

Just trying to find out more about you.

[haas mark]

Holy...

"Hard life" is such an understatement.

I don't know what to say or suggest, except that we can hear you. Your suffering has not gone ignored, and though I don't have any help to offer, I can at least lend an ear (metaphorically speaking, since this is a message board).


One piece of advice I can perhaps give is to...find something in life that the rest of you can hold onto, and let that carry you to prosperity. Sooner or later you can find the funds to meet this Peter, get a decent lifestyle, and make a good living.

What I have to offer is mostly philosophical junk, but you have not gone unheard, and I wish you the best of luck for everything.

Thank you. I know at least one person isn't going to turn this into a bashing because I dunno what I can do with so many things floating around and just slamming into me all at once.

[HemlockGrey]

I wasn't bashing you. You asked for advice and I gave it. If you find it too cynical/insulting/petty, ignore it.

[haas mark]

I wasn't bashing you. You asked for advice and I gave it. If you find it too cynical/insulting/petty, ignore it.

Could you at leats try not to make it sound like that, then?

[Shinova]

Me thinks you're in the "doldroms", verilon. A state in life where nothing seems to move, nothing seems to happen. Everything looks gray, there's no life in anything, and you feel really, really tired. Too tired to live.

Something has to be done to jump-start you.

I'm just not sure what, from lack of experience.

[Frank Hipper]

Well, I could try and cheer you up by telling you how much my life sucks right now, but I just don`t have the balls to air my dirty laundry like that. I`m 35, and at the lowest point in my life, but past experience has taught that life has it`s ups and downs, and sometimes problems seem so insurmountable it`s beyond belief. But it shall pass. I would, however, suggest that you not drop eveything and run off to SF, you`ve been working for something by going to school, right? Concentrate on that for now. Just because pop culture hammers relationship into our heads everywhere we turn, doesn`t mean we have to pursue it to the exclusion of all else. It will happen on it`s own and wanting the situation to be different than it is will only make you feel worse. Cheer up, oh sleepless one, it really will get better for you.

[haas mark]

Well, I could try and cheer you up by telling you how much my life sucks right now, but I just don`t have the balls to air my dirty laundry like that. I`m 35, and at the lowest point in my life, but past experience has taught that life has it`s ups and downs, and sometimes problems seem so insurmountable it`s beyond belief. But it shall pass. I would, however, suggest that you not drop eveything and run off to SF, you`ve been working for something by going to school, right?

You expect me to go there at the drop of a hat? No, I'm not that stupid.

Concentrate on that for now. Just because pop culture hammers relationship into our heads everywhere we turn, doesn`t mean we have to pursue it to the exclusion of all else. It will happen on it`s own and wanting the situation to be different than it is will only make you feel worse.

Problem here is, I am generally only on a continuous span of happiness when I know that I am with someone. Strange as it sounds, its true. I am dependent on a relationship. Can't help it, and its not because of society.

Cheer up, oh sleepless one, it really will get better for you.

Thank you.

[Frank Hipper]

I`m really glad you`re not dumb enough to fly off like that. Smart people do dumb things under strong emotional influences sometimes. I know I have. I know depression inside out and backwards, too. Don`t like to hear anybody feeling like that.

[haas mark]

I`m really glad you`re not dumb enough to fly off like that. Smart people do dumb things under strong emotional influences sometimes. I know I have. I know depression inside out and backwards, too. Don`t like to hear anybody feeling like that.

Well, thank you for the support.

[SWPIGWANG]

awwwwwwwwww *virture hugs*

It is too bad that probably no about of intellect that can be expressed in this post can help you since you know exactly what is wrong.....

Be strong.......

[Lagmonster]

You'll do fine, verilon. I can't tell you *how* to fix your problems, but I can tell you that they'll get fixed. You see, as a hobbyist folklorist, I've heard a lot of stories. i like stories. And in all my years of meeting people and listening to their stories, I can tell you with utter assurance that there are no new ones. For every situation and problem and depression that one person has, there's a thousand identical stories out there. And millions more through history. And I can tell you this: The only ones that end badly are for the ones who give up. The ones who don't give up, even when they don't have a fucking clue what they're doing, eventually pull it together and everything works out.

[salm]

good luck!

[Guest]

You could just jump off a really tall building and end all of the pain quickly. Or just take a vacation for a while.

[haas mark]

You could just jump off a really tall building and end all of the pain quickly. Or just take a vacation for a while.

Haha very funny.....now lemme get back to my schoolwork...

[neoolong]

You'll do fine, verilon. I can't tell you *how* to fix your problems, but I can tell you that they'll get fixed. You see, as a hobbyist folklorist, I've heard a lot of stories. i like stories. And in all my years of meeting people and listening to their stories, I can tell you with utter assurance that there are no new ones. For every situation and problem and depression that one person has, there's a thousand identical stories out there. And millions more through history. And I can tell you this: The only ones that end badly are for the ones who give up. The ones who don't give up, even when they don't have a fucking clue what they're doing, eventually pull it together and everything works out.

Isn't that a form of structuralism?

Oh and Verilon, I just meant that life can be hard for everybody and I'm sure you can cope. Like the guy who got killed in The Crow says "It can't rain all the time."

[haas mark]

You'll do fine, verilon. I can't tell you *how* to fix your problems, but I can tell you that they'll get fixed. You see, as a hobbyist folklorist, I've heard a lot of stories. i like stories. And in all my years of meeting people and listening to their stories, I can tell you with utter assurance that there are no new ones. For every situation and problem and depression that one person has, there's a thousand identical stories out there. And millions more through history. And I can tell you this: The only ones that end badly are for the ones who give up. The ones who don't give up, even when they don't have a fucking clue what they're doing, eventually pull it together and everything works out.

Isn't that a form of structuralism?

Oh and Verilon, I just meant that life can be hard for everybody and I'm sure you can cope. Like the guy who got killed in The Crow says "It can't rain all the time."

Yeah.......I was just having a particularly bad day to top off a particularly bad week. It's getting better as we speak....In fact, after I go eat lunch in an hour, I'm, going out to go job hunting....not that very many places are hiring, mind you...