Best Game Quotes <Tabletop and Otherwise>

[dragon]

Have several
Mega Travel
Me: the ex military pilot, Tracy:Cpt. Ken: Passanger
After having misjumped into hostile terrority me and pilot have a laser battle on bridge.
Passanger watching us "Whats them 2 red blibs moving at us for."
Missle impacts.

Shadowrun as a runner lights a flare he turns to other runner and says" What do you mean we're inside a oil pipe"

We had a runner so cyber up no one could beat him on initive. On second round we runs on to the car and sticks head in window.
GM " The driver in the car was holding hs action" Bang

2nd ed. AD&D
17thlevel ranger "What do mean I am lost"
After playing with a bunch of deliquents for over 10 years with multiple games I forgot most of the comments.

[Eleas]

Hotfoot: That one was good.

Setting: fantasy.
"Fuck! I can't fucking deal with another goddamn dragon right now. *sigh* Oh well, just have to kill it, then..."
--Micke, shortly before bagging another (yes, ANOTHER!) dragon



Setting: TWILIGHT 2000. Two german mercenaries are hired to liberate the presidential family of a random banana republic. The compound is breached silently, but the moment we're inside, things start going to hell in a handbasket. My character, Günther, is suddenly cursed by a random deity and becomes a walking bullet attractant. He's holed multiple times, and slumps to the ground. Not to be deterred, he bandages his wounds and goes to look-see.
(several gunshots are heard)
Günther: "Heinz, I zink zere is somevun in ze tower." (said in a horrendously bad german accent)
Heinz: "Vhy vould you say zat?" (ditto)
Günther: "Because he just shot me zrough ze left shoulder!"
Heinz: "Oh vell. Hold on, Günther, I'll deal viz him!"
(Heinz moves swiftly to a firing position, and discharges several mags of high-caliber ammo, turning the tower to swiss cheese in the matter of moments. He follows up with hosing the surroundings and finishes with a rifle grenade.)
Heinz: "Gunther, I zink I got him!"
(another gunshot is heard)
Günther: "Vell, Heinz... you may be mistaken."
Heinz: "And vhy is zat?"
Günther: "Because he just shot me zrough ze right shoulder!"



Setting: A cyberpunk world with big guns and concrete megacities.
GM (me): "Daniel, you're running along the street. You don't have much of a clue where the shooter is... but there's a thin red dot of light shining into your eyes from the farther end of the street."
Daniel: "Really? I stop and have a look..."
(Blammo. Character's head turns to bloody mist. That may in fact be the stupidest thing I've ever seen a player do...)





Setting: fantasy game. The experienced PCs are displaced evil overlords, who have hired a new PC, Stiehl, as a guide along a river. Stiehl is a real slimy piece of work, and a diplomat without peer. He's also very composed, which he needs to in the company of the severely psychotic group he now serves. He doesn't really know who the characters are - he just knows they're powerful and secretive (the group knows better than to announce their names, as they're number one on the hit lists of five countries and the largest church around). On the ship travel, among others, Esel the (arch-)demon mage, Gemmel the (arch-)mage and sword master, their retainers... and the most infamous creature on the continent, the old master of Esel and Gemmel... Lord Karondrik of Nordmark, executed by the church of the Illuminated Path and risen from the dead.

Stiehl: "Okay, nice boat."
Gemmel: "Thank you. We prefer permanency."
Stiehl: "So, you're traveling upriver? Heading for the, uh, 'sacred place' the locals talk about?"
Esel: "If you can't find it..."
Stiehl: "That won't be a problem. Anyway, where can I bunk?"
Gemmel: "Well, the ship's big, but not too big. We really only have one bunk left, so you get to sleep in the prow cabin."
Stiehl: "Wow, thanks..."
Stiehl exits belowdecks, leaving Esel and Gemmel chuckling quietly amongst themselves.
Belowdeck it's quite spacious, and from the outside it appears that the prow cabin has to be pretty large. Stiehl calmly opens the door, enters, and pauses in the doorway, taking in a rather strange sight. The room is devoid of any furniture. There are seven people here. Six black-cloaked robed people stand in the middle of the room, encircling a decaying corpse that lies arranged in a classic "fallen knight" pose. Standing at the head of the corpse is a shadow-shrouded man with glowing red eyes that positively exudes malice. The room is cold - cold enough that Stiehl's breath forms near-opaque clouds... and he seems to be the only one breathing inside the room.
"Ahem... pardon my intrusion, I must have taken a wrong turn," Stiehl says in his most polite tone of voice. Dread lord Karondrik shakes his head, equally polite in his disagreement.
"Oh no, please... step right in, step right in. There's not a living soul in here..."

Gemmel's player starts chuckling. "He's so sick... I knew he would say that the minute I set Stiehl up."





Setting: near-future cyberpunk. Players are three hoodlums from Manchester, stoners and degenerates, who've just teamed up with a highly dangerous and nigh-indestructible cyborg with anger management problems. Working for a guy named Mikey (who in turn works for the russian mob), they're given the task to retrieve a briefcase stolen by Mikey's underling.
After an excessively violent entry (the cyborg just smashing the door in and shooting everyone except the thief) the foursome start interrogating Mikey's former employee. It turns out that they're really not doing anything other than what Mikey says. In fact, Mikey seems to be planning to have the players bring him the briefcase secretly and then to kill them, so the russians will lose track of said briefcase without Mikey being blamed. This pisses the cyborg off. In homicidal rage, he begins beating the shit out of Mikey's underling (who, might I add, was actually on the players' side after all), and pulls a grenade.
Player: "See this? You want some of this?" (to GM) "I pull the primary pin and shove it down his throat."
GM: "Uh... okay." (considers) "It's too big, it won't fit inside his mouth."
Player: "Really?"
GM: "Yes, really."
Player: "Oh." (pauses) "Ok, I beat him up some more instead."
GM: (rolls) (rolls) (rolls) "You... hit him in the face. Critical damage." (pauses) "Holy shit. You shatter his jawbone with one punch."
Player: "Can I fit the grenade into his mouth now?"
GM: "Well... yeah."
Player: "Good. Then I put it in, pull the pin and toss him out the window."
GM: "..."

The other player characters are already in the stairwell. They hear a crash of shattering glass, and a choked-out cry that is abrubtly cut off by a muffled explosion. They exit the building to see a facade sporting a shattered window, a spray-painting whose epicentrum is directly below, and a headless corpse lying on the sidewalk. The three hoods just stand there, gaping, as the cyborg exits and glances at the scene. The cyborg shrugs and looks at the others.
"Say, you guys're sick."

[Imperial Overlord]

Forgotten Realms. The players are hunting trolls on the moor.

Me: You see three silheoutes in the fog.

Players: We take cover.

Me: As they come closer, you can make out their features. They are three trolls. The one on the left is big and heavily built, the one in the center is burly, and the one on the right is short and stocky.

Player: So how many trolls are there?

[Knighthawk]

Some of these require some setup:

I. The Fight of Big Red

The party was meeting a client for a job, a fully biosculpted, cybernetically modified assassin showed up to mead out justice. After sweeping the entire party with flamethrowers the medic of the group, 1 of 2 not hit asks that age old question:

Medic : "How is everyone?"
Group : "We're on fire!!"


II. Brazil Bruhaha

The party went to Brazil to fight with a central american ecoprotection revolutionary group. After trekking through the jungle to find equipment lost in a bad combat drop, they come across a tread-tracks:

Me (GM) : You see some tread tracks passing by your location, they disappear off into jungle
[party ponders]
Medic: "Maybe it's a zamboni."
Solo: "Steph, let's play a game, it's called 'what the fuck is a zamboni doing in the jungle?'"

Enjoy

-K

[LadyTevar]

the worst up shot, was I had to go to one of the Sac area official LARPS and attend in the Elysium, as the Illuminated Represenitive...

Please, Please tell me you were the Gnomes....

Worse I was an Alien....

*falls over, laughing hysterically*


Whilst playing Magic:the Gathering, Nitram was gleefully dropping a card from the Kamagawa set: Konda, the Legedary Human Samuri. Indestructable 3/3 Legend with Bushido 5 (when attacking, gain +1/+1 when blocked or blocking). Last time he'd played it on the field during a game, I lost horribly, and he was happily reminding me of it.
I played CounterSpell.
Martin: NNNNNNNNNNNNNOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You Caannnnnn't!!!! My Legend! Noooooooooooooooooo!
Me:

[The Yosemite Bear]

how I became known as "General Colinoff"

a guy was playing "Battle for Moscow" against the campus skinhead...

he was desperatly holding stalingrad, loosing, troops, after troops, and being encircled by the skin's elite panzer armies.

I looked down told him to withdraw, reinforce, and attack the flanks of the encircling forces...

two turns later, the SS Panzercorps was completly encircled inside STalingrad.

The next game, I was put incharge of city defense for a free trade state in a battle between TOG and The Renegade Legion...

with a fraction of their bid points, My mercs and I managed to bitchslap the two main groups. (mostly by setting booby traps and calling in off board artillery missions)

hence forth I was known as the Great Russian General Colinoff.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Then there's the tale of "Oswald" the jenner....

in a mechwarriors campaign someone got so good at shooting on the jump and getting lucky head shots, particularly when firing linked...

we named his mech "Oswald", the fact that by the time of his death he had managed to kill Kurtia Generals, and Clan Warlords that way....

(the lucky dice, just betrayed him one night, ending the reputation of the scout sniper, of battletech)

[Spiritbw]

We had in one AD&D game a thief that couldn't make a move silently roll to save his life. One time the party is about to be captured so he hopes to try and make a distraction by crashing through the woods making as much noice as he can. The DM rolls a dice to see how effective this is and....he fails...critical fail no less.

DM: So you go skipping through the forest over dry twigs and leaves with out breaking one. You pass through brush like smoke. Not a sound to be heard but those of the forest.

--------

Another time we encountered a group of giants we were suppose to kill (or be killed ourselves). Unfortunatly they are Mountain giants and for once, wearing very heavy armour. Ironicly it was some of the most funny moment s in history for us despite the ods to our group of lvl 5-8 characters.

Player 1: We need a diversion, something so we can do so we can take them by suprise.
Player 2: Okay, I think I might have something that will work.
Player 1: Alright, well anyone got any other ideas?
(There were none)
Player two:right, I take off down the tunnel waving my arms and shouting,"I'm a diversion! I'm a diversion!"

It worked.

---------

One of our characters was a few levels lowe rthant he tohers but had been given by way of compensation, a staff of the woodlands, it can grow in length and be wreathed in flames that can set fire to other things.

Though the fight she proceeded to set the staff against the side fo the tunnel as a brace as though to receive a charge and make a called shot agaisnt each giant in turn, extending the staff to 'hit them. The staff grew with quite a bit of stregth behind it and she aimed for what she thought should be an obvious target, the crotch. She never failed a called shot and every one caused the codpiece on the armour to heat up. All the guys would wince every time she made another blow.

-------------

During Mage LARP game an NPC was suppose to die. One character though would not give up trying to reserect the person in question. Being one of the Celestial Choir he called upon God, "Give me a sign!" ST quite miffed at this point,"Right,a lightning bolt comes out of the blue and strikes you in the chest throwing you off your feet and down those stairs behind you." One of the players looks down on where he has follen,"Well, I'd say that is a 'NO'."

-----------

the best though didn't ahppen in game though but between our local ST and supporter of all things WoD and one of our local DMs. We were playing D&D when the ST happend by.

ST(jokingly): Why are you playing that? You could be playing Mage or something with some more intrigue and safistication!

DM(without a pause): but we *like* being warmongering dicechuckers!

[consequences]

Vampire Dark Ages Game. Friend of mine has just joined, and he is running a Tzimisce. Through a series of unfortunate events, he has become stuck underwater, hiding from the local werewolf pack. His options are rapidly decreasing , and a Rokea(Wereshark) is closing in for the kill. He looks straight at the gamemaster, and calmly asks "What do I have to roll to turn the Wereshark into a submarine?"

[Mr Bean]

Our GM tried very hard to cub our ruthlessness as he keep throwing stuff to kill us off but we keep making it through by the skin of our teeth mostly by ignorning our alienments completly


At one point we had ended up in an city occupied by enemy forces with the commander housed in the best Inn in town and we need to slow the army

Mage:I've got an idea
Rest:Uh Ooh
Me:Lets here it
GM:Yes I'd love to hear how your going to get past fourty guards plus the folks inside to get to him
Mage:Whats the Inn like?
GM: Its a three story Inn with the Commander on the top floor
Mage:Made of wood?
GM:....Yes
Mage:Right Thief, Ranger sneak up pour four bottles of our oil on the sides of the building near the entrances, Then smash one of the widows next to the door and run for it, a second or two later I'll aim a fireball through the window then set off the three delayed blast fireballs I can cast on the first second and third floors, Take the FB wand Thief and flame the back exit
GM:.... Ok I forgot to mention the fact its a comepelty stone Inn
Mage:Right a powered up Stone to Mud should do it then
GM:.....

[SirNitram]

Back before I had any interest in WW, I was pulled into a Mage game. They nicely gave me the 'artillery peice' template for a Order of Hermes guy. Of course, being the sort of straight forward asshole I am, once I ascertained the other PC's were powerhungry schemers, I crafted the biggest fireball I could, and detonated. I freed the world from five madmen with magical powers that day. It was amusing, but sadly, they didn't invite me back. Everyone but the ST came to play D&D, though.

[Jade Falcon]

Soldier of Fortune 2:Double Helix Deathmatch, the Russian Trainyard map.

I've just killed someone.

Noob: Hah nice f***ing aimbot lamer
ME: Hey pal, I emptied an AK-74 magazine into your back at point blank range, I couldn't miss.

Later, the same asshole gets killed by another players M-203 Grenade launcher

"Ah you're all a bunch of cheating lamer fags" then exits.



Deser Combat. The El Alamein map, this server had the rules of No Base camping. Playing as the Iraqi team, I notice there's a sniper in the hills overlooking the base so he's ok, but I jump into the ZSU-23 and spray his area of fire killing him, he then says

"You cheated".....

[Knighthawk]

Here's another good one:

D&D Party is trekking through a polluted swamp in search of the pollution's source.

DM: You see a patrol of goblins approaching you with spears.
Sorcerer: Let me talk to them guys, I've got a great diplomacy skill!
DM: They get closer and ask you what your business is.
Sorc: We're here for the fishing
DM: Umm...you're joking right?
Sorc: Nope, we're here for the fishing
Rogue: [Sorc], you're not allowed to speak for the party anymore.

-K

[Uraniun235]

Doing a bit of role-playing over ICQ some years ago:

(mr. perkins is my pet mouse/sidekick)

"Well Mr. Perkins, that was such a nice man. And to think you had been scared of him at first."
"I am SO not going to roleplay that mouse."

Later, I went to trade in my autocrossbow...

"Mmmmnn........wait. You came here asking about that Fangs of Fury place? I have a patch into the intercom, hear lots of stuff that way. Well. Anyhow, THIS little fellow certainly didn't come from THAT world. Where'd you get it?"
"My father gave it to me. Isnt that right Mr. Perkins? (squeak!)"
"Fine, fine. Look, I'd trade you a one shot teleportation amulet, a sword, armor, a bath, a friend for that little mouse, new shoes, and this thing that we call an 'umbrella'."
"An... "umbrella"? What does it do?"
Wayland frowns at you, and speaks slowly.
"It's made of this, um, *cloth*....that.....protects you from .....*water*..... falling down on you....look, it folds up and back if you press this bit .....*demonstrates*"

[Fuzzy]

Friend, playing the ORIGINAL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his NES: "God, the seaweed sucks. I cannot believe how many of my fucking turtles have died to the fucking purple seaweed. What the hell? They easily survive dozens of enemy ninjas, beat the tar out of bosses for fun, and die by crashing into frickin' seaweed! I lose half my turtles every time I have to get in the frickin' water. Fuck the seaweed. Fuck it long and hard. Fuck the designers who invented seaweed. And since when does fucking seaweed kill you?"

Me: "Alright. It's okay. Remember to breathe."

Friend: "I can breathe just fine, but my fucking turtles are fucking dying! Do they really mean so little to you?"

omfg, i REMEMBER THAT. i had the same exact problem. fucking seaweed.

[Knighthawk]

Friend, playing the ORIGINAL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his NES: "God, the seaweed sucks. I cannot believe how many of my fucking turtles have died to the fucking purple seaweed. What the hell? They easily survive dozens of enemy ninjas, beat the tar out of bosses for fun, and die by crashing into frickin' seaweed! I lose half my turtles every time I have to get in the frickin' water. Fuck the seaweed. Fuck it long and hard. Fuck the designers who invented seaweed. And since when does fucking seaweed kill you?"

Me: "Alright. It's okay. Remember to breathe."

Friend: "I can breathe just fine, but my fucking turtles are fucking dying! Do they really mean so little to you?"

omfg, i REMEMBER THAT. i had the same exact problem. fucking seaweed.

That truely was the dumbest board

-K

[Petrosjko]

Tabletop Vampire. I'm playing a Brujah social manipulator type, kind of a revolutionary strategist.

So anyway, the Toreador of the group is throwing a party. (Surprise!)

I'm new in town, but get sponsored in by the elder who called me in for our upcoming intrigues.

Walk through the door, and I've got a Malkavian in my face offering me a beer. Not interested, but everyone around me is kicking my heel and saying "Take the beer!"

Great, take the beer. Got the beer. This is a mixed party, mortals and vamps, Masquerade is fully on.

And I've got a mug of beer in hand. So, what to do?

I sidle over to some of the decorative greenery and oh-so-smoothly deposit the beer.

ST gets back to the Torrie player.

"One of your housekeepers comes up to inform you that the Brujah have arrived and are dumping beer in the potted plants."

Not an auspicious start to winning friends and influencing people...

[Rob Wilson]

So we're playing a custom game of 40k, and to ease in a new player (a very green 2nd lt) Ive agreed to split my forces with him. So he's being an officer and I'm doing his RSM bit for him. OUr games were very rough and ready and My legion were once more doing their glorious holding action to by time for bigger forces to do thier job and buttfuck the enemy.

So far the Orifice has managed to get 30% of my men kiled for no good reason, I've spent 8 hr's keeping things together and due to his amazing strategic abilities (you can just taste that sarcasm can't you) we're now girding our selves for a massive push to get out of the hole he's dug for us.

Orifice - RSM, gather then men I want give them a pep talk."
Me - *Speechless*
Orifice - Now RSM, we don't have all day.
Me - Are you sure that's what you-
Orifice - Now RSM!
Me - Fine. Everyone listen in, The CO has something important to say.
[by now all the other players have actaully stopped to see what a mess of things twat can make.]
Orifice - My brave young soldiers, [At this point I tune out in sheer disbelief, I dimly remember bits that sounded like Henry V, and god only knows what else. After 5-6 minutes of this and no sign of it ending I finally Snap.]
Me - Oh for fucks sake shut up you yapping chinless fuckwit. We're in more trouble than necessary because you think your fucking Alexander the Great rather than Twatfuck the shitbrain. Guys, load up. Kill everyfucking one of them and meet at the Unit RV's. Unit Commanders take charge. KIIILLLLLLLL!.

Now there were 2 other officers in that game, and that poor 2nd Lt had to put up with having his Pigeonhole, Office door, and Mess placesetting having TFtSB after his name for the rest of his posting with us.