Top Ten Other Terrorist Announcements
10. "If the UN does not immediately withdraw support for the US occupation of Iraq, the Jihad Brotherhood will cut off one of Papa Smurf's three fingers"
9. "We have captured Rainbow Brite, and we will hang her as an infidel at dawn"
8. "Al-Zarqawi is pleased to announce his new lieutenants, following last week's captures-- COBRA Commander and Megatron of the Decepticons (also, we may get that completely-useless robot who can turn into a fuckin' camera)"
7. "If the American infidels do not depart Iraq immediately, the streets will run black with the ink of a thousand Etch-a-Sketches"
6. "I swear to Allah, if you do not release our brave warriors held in captivity, by next week Garfield the cat will have a whole new reason to hate Mondays"
5. "You have no chance of defeating us in Iraq, in Afghanistan, or in high-stakes games of Hungry Hungry Hippos"
4. "We have Jarts and we're not afraid to use them"
3. "By Allah the Great, if our demands are not met immediately, we will begin pestering your female soldiers with our great stockpiles of Mr. Microphones; they will not be able to sleep, for our constant utterances of Hey good-looking, be back to pick you up later!"
2. "Deliver Donald Rumsfeld to us as a war criminal for trial or we will take our collection of Muppets and pose them in the most insidiously-sexual of manners; verily, your children will weep bitter tears when they witness Elmo being sodomized by the deviant Gonzo and his pansexual chickens"
... and the Number One Other New Terrorist Announcement...
1. "A thousand explosive Chia Pets will thunder in the streets of Bagh... oh, fuck it, we're a bunch of buffoonish wankers everybody knows it!"
This is a special report from ABC News....
Peter Jennings: Good evening, the leader of the organization known as GI Joe has been kidnapped by the M.U.S.C.L.E. Insurgency. The leader known as Duke is now being held at the bunker known as section 4 in ToysARRUS.
Now we have video from Section 4.
Duke: Hello i am Duke, the all amercan hero. I have been captured by a group known as M.U.S.C.L.E. I am a 30 year old hero who runs the group who couldnt shoot straight to save our asses. Now look at me..
MUSCLE: our demands is this... we want the GI Joe Infidels to evacuate ToysARRUS and forever or we will kill Duke.
Peter Jennings: This just in... The Toy action figure group known as the Actuon League and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been dispatched to the ToyARRUS country.
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