STEROIDS IN SPIRA (FFX Parody)

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2005-03-09 10:20am

BLITZBALL STEROID USE AT ALL TIME HIGH

Luca (AP)- In what has been called the most "revealing story" for this Blitzball season, a recent study has shown that steroid abuse among Blitzball players has nearly doubled since the last calm. While attendance and ratings show no sign of lagging, the findings do have many fans questioning the integrity of the sport, which has been played professionally for over 1000 years. While most accusers point fingers at the heathen Al Bhed, insiders suggest that the Besaid Aurochs were the catalyst for this new wave of steroid abuse. Bickson, a forward for the six time champion Luca Goers, made his feelings clear shortly after their defeat in the Crystal Cup championship.

"We've played the Aurochs almost every year for the last six years and they've never even been close to this talented. That Jassu guy used to be so pathetic he nearly drowned in the pool on two separate occaisions, and don't get me started on that new guy they brought in. I've never seen anyone kick like that before, not even High Summoner Ohalland ever kicked two guys out of the way using the ball and then rocketed it past the goalie like that. Thats unnatural, he has to be on something. Trying to tackle him was like trying to tackloe a Ronso, only a helluva lot faster."

The new player refused to comment, saying that the only things he's had are a few Hi-Potions, perfectly legal health supplements. But one of our correspondents, who gained access to the unlocked readily availiable Aurochs locker room via the Save Sphere, claims to have found several Stamina Springs as well as an Elixir. Other theorists point to the new player's association with an Al Bhed who has a proficiency at "Mixing" items, in which common everyday potions can be combined to have incredibly potent effects.

But while many fans are calling for random testing of Blitz players, some fans are defending the use of Steroids by Blitzball players and accept their usage.

"I've been using Mega Potions for years and I feel great." Says Barthello, a guardian. "In my training days I had to be as strong as possible, certain items gave me an edge. When the first Strength Spheres started coming out you couldn't get your hands on them unless you forked over some serious gil. But nowadays you can find them in any randomly located treasure chest it seems like and most of these potions everyone is upset about can be bought from merchants all over Spira." When asked if the mega potions had any effect on his love life, he mentioned the fact that on his recent pilgrimage he had no problems "summoning the mighty aeon" so to speak.

Another fan, a former Crusader named Lucil had another take on it. "The way I see it, crowds are demanding more and more action every year, when they legalized Venom tackles a year ago the purists were clamoring that it was the end of the game as we knew it. But its even more popular than its ever been, and the crowds keep asking for harder hits and more goal scoring. Its no wonder these players are leveling up further and further, soon they'll reach their max though, and when that happens they'll have to find another way to up the ante."

While many questions still hang in the air over this new Blitz season, one thing is for certain, we're sure to expect a lot of controversy in the coming weeks, that is if Sin doesn't kill us all.

addendum: DF wrote dis

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2005-03-09 04:13pm

OMG LOL!

Agent R · Post by **Agent R** » 2005-03-09 09:58pm

ROTFLMAO!

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2005-03-09 11:41pm

YEVON PRIESTS CALL FOR HEARING ON BLITZBALL STEROID ISSUE

Bevelle (AP) - In an anticpiated, yet still surprising move, the leaders of Yevon have decided to call for a hearing on steroid abuse in Blitzball. Several players including star players Datto of the Besaid Aurochs, Larbeight of the Kilika Beasts, and Argai Ronso of the Ronso Fangs, have been summoned to testify before a council of priests and monks headed by Maester Kinoc.

Players have been supeonaed to arrive, and although the player's association strongly objects to the hearing, none of them wish to be labeled traitors. Maester Kinoc at a press conference at the palace of St. Bevelle said today that: "For one thousands years we have looked the sport of Blitzball as our sole past time of escaping the misery that is living in Spira. While I am confident that our investigations will find that the steroid use is limited amongst the faithful, we cannot deny the fact that traitors and heretics have slowly begun integrating into the league."

Several players and coaches (who asked not to reveal their identity) are quietly speculating on wether or not this investigation will turn up any legitimate findings. One of these non believing heretics, an Al Bhed, says that "It's funny how Yevon is ready to intrude into league business with this investigation, and yet they haven't summoned the most controversial player in the league."

That controversial player, an annoying blonde haired rookie for the Besaid franchise, is currently on a pilgrimage serving as guardian and is unavailable for comment. Recently he shattered the all time record for goals scored with an astonishing 14 goals in one game in a league match between the Aurochs and the Guado Glories.

"Nobody has a shooting stat of +30 like that. Whatever he's on we'll need to start feeding it to the goalies pretty soon." Said Zazi Guado. "It really doesn't matter what strategy you use or what techniques you use if the guy can grab a long pass and just fire the ball from wherever."

Nevertheless even though some fans relish in the highly defensive low scoring duels the crowds have lately been roaring in approval with the number of victories being racked up by the Aurochs.

BLITZBALL ANNOUNCER FIRED FOR RACIST REMARKS

Beloved Blitzball announcer Jimma "The Greek" was dismissed today after comments he made regarding Ronso athletes. including such remarks as "What makes Ronso great players is that they have heaps of fast twitch muscle fiber they evolved on the plains at the base of Mount Gagazet." Jimma's long time partner Bobba admitted that his colleaue "made a mistake" but that "he knows he said something stupid and he has nothing but respect for Ronso athletes."

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2005-03-10 12:26am

Hahahahaha!

That is awesome!

(Also - Would that count as a fanfic? Maybe it ought to be moved.)

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » 2005-03-10 12:38am

This is good stuff man.

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2005-03-25 02:02am

WAKKA BROUGHT TO TEARS AS SCANDAL WIDENS

Luca (AP) - In what should be a time of great celebration following the defeat of Sin by High Summoner Yuna and her retinue of guardians, a dark ominous cloud still hangs over Blitzball.

With the Yevon clergy in disarray, the League has taken measures of its own in investigating steroid abuse. At the center of recent attention is the former captain of the Besaid Aurochs, Wakka. The most notable figure in the current scandal, the young blonde haired rookie for the Aurochs, seems to have vanished in the wake of Sin's defeat. Several members of the League's head office though had several questions for Wakka today about his whereabouts as well as reports that the entire roster for Besaid had been using the so called "Hi-Potions."

One of the members of the investigation panel attempted to link the current scandal with Sin's defeat asking Wakka "HOw is it that for 1000 years it takes a mystical Final Aeon to beat Sin, yet you and six others simply flew up to him and hacked him to bits with swords? That feat has been unthinkable for years. Mr. Wakka would you please reveal the source of this strength to us?" Wakka declined to answer, making continual references to a 'Sphere Grid' of sorts as well as 'Triple AP' weapons. But sphere footages from a item shop in the Calm Lands show Wakka purchasing several potions from an Al Bhed.

"It seems rather hypocritical to me," says an Aurochs fan who used to be an ardent supporter until the scandal broke, "that Wakka would be purchasing his 'roids from an Al Bhed when he's done nothing but belittle them for years. Rightfully so those traitorus sprial eyed freaks."

When asked if wether or not the use of banned potions should be legal in Blitzball. Wakka declined to answer, saying that it wasn't his place to judge. Wakka also refused to confirm or deny his potion use over the last few months. Many fans though have been wondering how in Yevon's name did the Aurochs win the Cup from the Luca Goers after years and years of mediocrity.

One thing is cretain, whomever does reveal the truth will give us a lot more information than Wakka did on the stand yesterday.