Wesleys Brain. (Warning: Contains humour) >< COMPLETE

[Singular Quartet]

Bastard. Give us a real update.

[TurboPhaser]

And inflict spelling errors and poor grammar upon you all? I think not.

Once it is finished to my satisfaction it'll be posted. In other words, tomorrow.

[Star Empire]

I just read through all of this and it was a real fun read. Thanks.

[TurboPhaser]

Part 14:

The Conclusion!

(Voyager Shuttle Bay which already has 20 escape pods, numerous shuttlecraft, Neelix's ship and the Delta Flyer in it)

Data: (walking through shuttle bay) Odd, it didn't look this big from the outside.
Darth: Maybe they use some form of molecular compression technology?
Geordi: Don't be absurd. Voyager never had that sort of technology. Next thing you'll be saying is that they have a second shuttlebay! Haha!
Data: *chuckles* Heh, thats ridiculous!
7: Actually we did, it was there for one episode, then we kind of lost it.
Data: AAAAAH! BORG! DIEDIEDIEDIE!
7: Relax, I'm de-bugged.
Icheb: You mean de-borged.
7: Yes. Anyway, Since the important people are actually running the ship for a change, us two were sent down here to be the Official Voyager Greeting party.
Icheb: GAK!
Data: Uh, why did you do that?
Darth: I got vibes of Wesley Crusher.
7: Understandable. I've been told to escort you to the Conference room, to meet with the Captain.

(Voyager Bridge)

Kim: All the escape pods are onboard.
Chakotay: Really? Where did we stash them all?
Kim: Well, I found Shuttlebay 2 on Deck 4 today, so I routed some of them there.
Chakotay: Good. And Mr. Tuvok, did your security team manage to extract Commander Riker and Counsellor Troi from the escape pod?
Tuvok: Yes sir. However the horrors I witnessed may have damaged my emotional control permanently.
Paris: Sir, the Captain of the Shinassi wishes to come aboard. He has promised not to kill anyone important.
Chakotay: Hmm, very well. I'll be in the conference room.

(Conference room)

Riker: Funny. This room seems so familiar. Almost as if I have been here before, yet was returned and had my memory wiped.
Troi: You always say that when you drink! Inter-quadrant memory wiping is not the answer to every mystery ya know!
Riker: YOU'RE just mad because they had to threaten you with phasers to get you to put your clothes back on!
Troi: At least I have the body for nudity! You should have seen Commander Tuvok's face when he saw YOU! And I thought only Vulcan blood was green!
Riker: Oh please! Humanity has evolved to a point where physical attributes mean nothing!
Troi: Oh right, then why was Enterprise's senior crew a bunch of hotties?
Riker: You thought PHLOX was hot?!
Troi: He had his charms! And besides, he was losing weight with that gut worm........!
Doors: Psssssht.
Chakotay: Sorry to keep you waiting, I had to gather a few people. Allow me to introduce Darth Vader....
Darth: Hey.
Riker: We already know him.
Chakotay: Oh. Also, your crewmates.....
Data: Sir! Are you okay? We heard there was fog on your windscreen! Did a plasma conduit burst? I don't see any burns.........
Geordi: *whispers*
Data: .........Oh. *sits down*
Chakotay: Also, this is 7 of 9.
7: I find this entire encounter distasteful.
Chakotay: Thats what you said on our honeymoon!
7: My statement stands.
Chakotay: Hmm. And this is the mangled, charred corpse of Captain Janeway.
Janeway:
Riker: Lost her looks a bit.
Troi: Ew!
Chakotay: And this is Captain Sh'Noll of the........uh....
Sh'Noll: Minbari Warcruiser Shinassi!
Chakotay: Right! Please, everyone sit down.
(everyone does so)
Chakotay: Now, before we begin, can I get anyone some coffee?
Janeway:
Chakotay: Come on Captain! You love coffee!
Riker: Uh, she's dead.
Chakotay: Come now Kathryn, just a widdle iddle bit?
Riker: Captain Chakotay, she is DEAD.
Chakotay: Not even triple strength? I'll even put a shot of whiskey in....(continues to ramble)
Riker: (whispering) Deanna, do something.
Troi: Uh, Captain Chakotay? My psycho...
Riker: Psychic.
Troi: ....Psychic senses tell me she says....yes. And thankyou.
Chakotay: Thankyou Counsellor! *pours coffee*
Darth: Exscuse me for interrupting this perfect example of why peaceful organisations suck, but why are we here?
Chakotay: Well, I felt it would be a good idea to debrief ourselves.
Geordi: Hmm. Dubious. I would like to thank Captain Sh'Noll for helping us against the Borg. And Voyager for doing the same.
Sh'Noll: Think nothing of it. Our ship is utterly trashed, making my crew resent humans somewhat more, but I digress. What is going on, you humans are different to the crappy low tech ones we know. And as to the matter of dual Duk(h)kats!
Chakotay: Okay. First, what was that giant blue vortex your ship came from?
Sh'Noll: It's called a jump point. Used to gain access to Hyperspace, which is a different layer of space adjacent to our own. Distances are much shorter in Hyperspace, which allows interstellar travel for us.
Darth: Weird. We have a hyperspace too, but its considerably less complex. It's not really a different layer of space. Infact, we don't know what it is or how it works, we are just glad it does.
Chakotay: Hmm. Captain Sh'Noll, did you detect any fluctuations or weird radiation during your exit from Hyperspace?
Sh'Noll: No. But our sensors don't scan for weird things, because our universe is not filled with freaky spacial whatsits.
Chakotay: May we see your sensor data?
Sh'Noll: Yes. (activates comm device) Sh'Noll to Shinassi.
Splork: (over comm) Captain! Are we ready to kill the humans?
Sh'Noll: Not yet. Transfer our jump point sensor data to Voyager.
Splork: Yes sir.
Sh'Noll: Thankyou, Sh'Noll out. (shuts off comm device)
Monitor: Bleep! (various text and graphs appear)
Chakotay: Hmm. (studies display) Aha! Right here! (points to a blue blob on one of the graphs)
Sh'Noll: What is it?
Chakotay: Your jump engines scraped a layer of subspace, which is apparently not as accessable in your universe as it is here. The resulting instability screwed space and time around a bit and you ended up here.
Sh'Noll: So we are in another dimension. We would like to contact the Minbari living in this universe.
Chakotay: They don't exist.
Sh'Noll: Nuts. Then who are the top dogs?
Chakotay: Well, pretty much the humans. We have a large Federation, stretching 8,000 lightyears.
Darth: (snorts) That's how far I travel everyday just for donuts!
Riker: Which brings up another thing. (to Darth) Where did you come from? Clearly your crew was human, as are you. Yet your ship matched nothing in our database.
Darth: Well, I suppose our hyperspace must have run across a a subspace thingamajig as well.
Chakotay: To shorten the considerable explanation, I'll give both of you these padds.
Sh'Noll: (picking his up) "So You Came From Another Dimension"?
Darth: (reading his) "A Guide to the Starfleet Universe"?
Chakotay: Yes. Since we encounter so many weird things, a lot from other dimensions, we decided to put together a handbook. It contains all sorts of useful information. Such as history and information about our Universe's known species, detailed information on the location of Sol and Human biological weaknesses. And the game section contains a 'Guess how much radiation it takes to kill a human' puzzle. And we decided to put a detailed schematic of that Thaleron Radiation weapon in the 'Extra Stuff' section.
Darth: Hmmm. Is it a phase shit factor of 98.1 or 98.2 on the central radiation core?
Chakotay: 98.2. We have arranged quarters for you aboard Voyager, I hope you will be .....
Comm: Bleep!
Paris: (over comm) Sir, theres a ship approaching. They just dropped out of warp.
Chakotay: On my way. Everyone, there may be a chance of special effects, if you wanna see, come with me! Heh. OW!!
Darth: Thankyou Counsellor.

(Voyager Bridge)

Chakotay: (entering Bridge and rubbing a lump on his head) Report!
Tuvok: The ship has been identified as a Dominion Warship. You know, one of those little ones.
Kim: They are hailing us!
Chakotay: On screen!
Vorta Guy: Greetings human scum!
Sh'Noll: Ooh, I like him already!
Vorta Guy: Were you aware that the Dominion war is over and that we are no longer enemies?
Chakotay: Er, no.
Vorta Guy: Good! Prepare to be destroyed! (commlink terminates)
Chakotay: Uh oh.
Tuvok: They are powering weapons!
Chakotay: Red Alert! Full power to shields!

(The Dominion 'Bug' fires at Voyager, hitting its forward shields)
Voyager: Oof!

Tuvok: Shields are at 50 percent! (CRASH) Er, 40 percent!
Chakotay: Return fire! Torpedoes, full spread!

(Voyager shoots back, however it's torpedoes have no significant effect)

Tuvok: We only inflicted moderate damage!
Console: BLAM!
Kim: OW!
Paris: Sir, Impulse engines are failing! We've already taken too much damage from the Borg!
Geordi: Then let's get outta here! (BOOM)
Sh'Noll: Hey! What about my ship? It's jump engines were destroyed and we don't have any warp engines!
Chakotay: Torres, can we tractor them at warp?
Conduit: (explodes)
Red Shirt: GAK!!
Torres: (over comm) No sir, the tractor beam would overload and explode! There is no way to tow a ship that big at warp! It's simply impossible!
Chakotay: What if we diverted warp power?
Torres: Yeah, that'd work.

(Bug)

Jem'Hadar: The Federation vessel's shields are weakening.
Vorta Guy: Good. And whats that other ship?
Jem'Hadar: Seems to be .....hmm. Not sure, does not appear to have any warp drive. Or shields. And I have no idea if those things are weapons or not.
Vorta Guy: Then let's assume it's harmless.

(Voyager)

Port Impulse Engine: KA-BOOOOM!!!
Bridge Crew: (suddenly shifted 90 degrees clockwise) ARRRGH!! (crumple)
Chakotay: (falls on Deanna) OW! Dammit! Torres, is the tractor beam ready!?
Torres: (over comm) Yeah, but with the warp power we need to divert, we can only make warp 6.
Chakotay: Return fire! Sh'Noll, we need your ship to cover us while we get into towing position!
Sh'Noll: Hmm, ok. Sh'Noll to Shinassi, Open fire on the alien vessel.
Splork: (over comm) Yes SIR!
Other Console: BLAM!!
Starboard Thrusters: GAK!!
Sh'Noll: No, the other alien vessel!!
Splork: Oh. Okay.

(Bug)

Vorta Guy: Oof!
Wall: BOOM!
Some other Jem'Hadar: ARRGH!
Jem'Hadar: Shields at 70 percent! The alien ship has opened fire!
Vorta Guy: Dammit. Split our fire between the 2 ships!
Jem'Hadar: But we only have one gun!
Vorta Guy: Do as I say!

(The Bug fires on both Voyager and the Shinassi, somehow. Bug takes fire from both Voyager and Shinassi)

(Shinassi)

Splork: Keep firing!
Underling: Yes sir!
Weapons System: ZAP!
Underling: We've damaged their shields, their port nacelle is leaking plasma!
Splork: And Voyager?
Underling: Their shields are failing, but they are almost in position.
Weapons System: (fails)
Underling: Dammit, they knocked out our weapons! Armour losing integrity!

(Voyager)

Chakotay: Activate tractor beam!
Tractor Beam: (activates)
Tuvok: We have a lock on the Shinassi! Increasing power to tractor beam!
Voyager's Shields: BZZZT!
Tuvok: Shields have collapsed! Hull breaches on decks 4, 8 and 15!
Chakotay: Warp 6! Now!
Paris: Aye sir!

(Voyager engages its warp drive and blasts off, with the Shinassi in tow)

(Bug)

Vorta Guy: Blast! Pursuit course!
Jem'Hadar: Can't. They broke our nacelle.
Vorta Guy: Oh well. Let's go bomb that space orphanage.

(Voyager)
(Ship is shaking a bit)

Kim: We did it! They arent pursuing!
Chakotay: Yes! Well done everyone!
Troi: Yeah, but could you get off me now?
Chakotay: No.
Data: Is the tractor beam stable?
Kim: Yes. And sir, may I go to sickbay now? The bit of console through my shoulder is getting painful.
Chakotay: You may. Paris, set course for Earth.
Paris: Aye sir.
Sh'Noll: I would like to speak to my crew now.
Chakotay: Okay. Open a comm channel to the Shinassi.
Tuvok: Aye sir.
Comm Channel: SPLACK SPLOP SPLAT GLORP SPLERP SQUISH
Chakotay: What the....?
Geordi: Er, did anyone check to see if the Shinassi has inertial dampeners?
Sh'Noll: Inertial what?
Geordi: Uh oh.

(Voyager Conference Room)

Sh'Noll: Am I to understand my crew is now the consistency of salsa?
Geordi: Chunky salsa, yes.
Sh'Noll: And the ship itself?
Geordi: Oh, it should be okay. Scans indicate it is holding together.
Sh'Noll: Very well. (to Chakotay) I kill you now. (pulls out knife and launches himself at Chakotay)
Chakotay: HELP! AGH! Stop it! (wrestles for knife) HEEEEELP!
Sh'Noll: DIE DIE DIE DIE!
Darth: (to Tuvok) Shouldn't you be shooting him?
Tuvok: I guess. (whips out phaser and fires)
Chakotay: OW!
Darth: I meant Sh'Noll.
Tuvok: Oh. (fires again)
Sh'Noll: AGH!
Tuvok: (sits down) Now, we'll be at Earth in about 3 days. Lieutenant, will we be able to maintain warp speed that long?
Torres: Probably. As long as we cross link the inter-scopic field regulators with the plasma flow to the flux capacitors, we should be fine.
Geordi: What?! That might cause an inversion field! You should realign the plasma injectors and tune them to a electro-magnetic frequency of 53 terahertz!
Torres: Perhaps on your primitive Enterprise-D that might be true. But our technology is far superior to that. If you want proof, check out our ultra high tech swirly warp core. Additionally, it has never been proven that realigning plasma injectors to any electro-magnetic frequency has any effect WHATSOEVER on engine stability!
Geordi: Let's kiss.
Torres: Okay. (lip locks with Geordi)
Tuvok: Excellent. Mr. Data, if you wouldn't mind, please arrange to have Chakotay taken to sickbay and Sh'Noll taken to the Brig.
Data: Right away.

(Brig, some time later)

Darth: (standing by forcefield) Wake up!
Sh'Noll: (inside cell) Guh? What happened?
Darth: You tried to kill Chakotay, which apparently is a common event on this ship but his crew defended him. Eventually.
Sh'Noll: That Spoo-head killed my crew!
Darth: Well, it was sort of accidental. Look, things could be worse!
Sh'Noll: How?
Darth: Maybe their crew can use their transporter technology to.....fix your crew?
Sh'Noll: FIX THEM? They were pulverised! Their innards are probably mixed together by now! And how long do I have to stay here?

(sickbay)

(Chakotay is unconcious on a biobed, with other crewmembers nearby)

Chakotay: Uuuhhh......
Doctor: Ah, look who decided to rejoin the land of the living. (injects Chakotay with hypospray)
Chakotay: Ah! Doctor, what happened?
Doctor: You know, your memory was not damaged in any way.
Chakotay: .......
Doctor: Fine. Captain Sh'Noll tried to kill you, which as you know, is a common event on this ship. Your crew defended you. Eventually.
Chakotay: Where is he!?
Doctor: In the Brig.
Darth: (entering) Hello Captain, how are you?
Chakotay: Furious!
Darth: Okay. I wanted to find out how long Sh'Noll will be kept in the Brig?
Chakotay: Depends. How long does it take for Galaxies to rotate in your Universe?
Darth: Oh.

(Earth, Starfleet Command, 2 days later)

Ensign: Sir, we just received a transmission from the starship Endeavour, they report that they have detected the USS Voyager. The Endeavour report that they are on a direct course for Earth. And that they had some giant blue fish held in their tractor beam.
Admiral Paris: Hmm. I don't like the sound of this fish business. How do we know that the fish doesn't have Voyager in IT'S tractor beam? It could be eating Voyager! How long till they get here?
Ensign: About 20 hours.
Admiral Paris: Right! This calls for kneejerk, decisive action! Call all available ships! Form a defense fleet and tell them to prepare for hostile fish invasion!!
Enisgn: Yes sir. And sir, are you the only Admiral here? Because I have never seen any others.
Admiral Paris: Clearly, I am.

(Voyager)
(Bridge)

Chakotay: (entering) I must say, a good 19 hour and 55 minute sleep does you the world of good.
Tuvok: Yeah. And speaking of worlds, we are approaching Earth.
Chakotay: Paris, take us out of warp.
Paris: Yes sir.

(Voyager drops out of warp, with the Shinassi still in tow. They both end up near the Moon)

Chakotay: Report.
Tuvok: Detecting numerous vessels in Earth orbit. They are changing course, heading in our direction.
Chakotay: Good. That's probably our non-hostile welcoming party. Disengage tractor beam.

(Voyager deactivates it's tractor beam, the Shinassi is released and starts drifting)

(Starfleet Command)

Ensign: The Evil Fish Monster has released Voyager! Our ships are still advancing.
Admiral Paris: How many ships?
Ensign: 19.
Admiral Paris: Good, tell them charge weapons and raise shields. Standby to destroy the Fish!

(Voyager)

Tuvok: Er, the Starfleet ships have activated their tactical systems.
Chakotay: Wha..? Hail them!
Tuvok: Aye sir, hailing the lead ship.
Captain Adams: (over comm) This is Captain Adams of the Starship Fluxoflex! Voyager, quickly! Get out of range! We're about to destroy the Evil Fish Monster!
Chakotay: What? You mean the Minbari Cruiser? No, no! We simply pulverised the crew and are towing their ship for a reason I can no longer remember. And if the Minbari captain was not in a homicidal rage about all this, I'm sure he'd be happy to confirm this story!
Captain Adams: Weird. I'll send a copy of that to Admiral Paris.

(Starfleet Command)

Ensign: Sir, receiving transmission from the Fluxoflex!
Chakotay: (on screen) Blah blah blah....
Admiral Paris: Blimey. Tell the fleet to stand down! Allow Voyager and the Minbari cruiser to enter orbit!
Ensign: Yes sir.

(Voyager)

Ensign: (on screen) .....and orbital permission is granted.
Chakotay: Thankyou! 7, our tractor beam is pretty much burnt out, get over to the Shinassi and navigate her into orbit.
7: I really don't think I want to go over there.
Chakotay: That's an order!
7: Okay, but I need Harry's help.
Chakotay: Ensign Kim, go with her!
Kim: Hey!
7: Heh.

(Shinassi, Bridge)
(Kim and 7 beam in)

7: (looks around) Well, this is the pits.
Kim: It appears they exploded more than slammed against the rear of the bridge.
7: Or a combination of both.
Kim: The navigation controls appear to be over here. (wipes the console) Hmm. Sublight thrusters appear to be functional.
Chakotay: (over comm) Whats your status? Voyager has just entered orbit, how long will you two be?
Kim: I've found the nav controls, and plotted the course into orbit. The thrusters are damaged, so we should be there in 10 minutes.
Chakotay: Good, remain there until you enter orbit.
7: WHAT?! This ships auto-nav isn't damaged, why do we have to stay on this ship of festering death!?
Chakotay: Do as I say! (comm link dies)
7: Is that a Captains catch phrase now?

(Voyager)

Tuvok: Captain, Admiral Paris is requesting to beam aboard.
Chakotay: Okay, tell him.....No wait! I know how to make a proper entrance! We'll land at Starfleet Headquarters!
Paris: Uh sir...
Chakotay: Think of it! We swoop down through the clouds, land at San Francisco, and disembark the ship and greet the Admiral! They'll talk of it for years to come!
Paris: Sir, the atmospheric thrusters were badly damaged, entering the atmosphere would be very dangerous!
Chakotay: Pffft. We've faced off plenty of other dangerous stuff. How bad could crash landing on a planet be?
Tuvok: Sir, I must agree with Mister Paris. This is reckless.
Chakotay: Enough out of you, all hands blue alert!
Blue Alert: Boop.
Darth: Captain, I don't think this is a good idea.
Chakotay: Was your ship capable of landing?
Darth: No, but.....
Chakotay: Then you know nothing. Take us in Mister Paris!
Paris: (wringing hands) Oh boy. Yes sir.

(Voyager starts to enter the atmosphere, in a somewhat erratic fashion)

(Starfleet Command)

Ensign: Sir! Voyager is entering the atmosphere!
Admiral Paris: Classy. What is their course?
Ensign: Difficult to tell, they are having trouble maintaining their trajectory. Their atmospheric thrusters are damaged. But, they appear to be heading....ah.
Admiral Paris: Yes?
Ensign: Er, they appear to be heading for us.
Admiral: Shazbot!

(Voyager)
(Bridge, shaking violently)

Paris: I can't keep us straight! We're heading right for the bay!
Chakotay: Extend landing struts!
Paris: Landing struts activated!
Landing Struts: (malfunction)
Tuvok: The struts arent responding!
Paris: Thirty seconds to impact!

(Shinassi)

7: There, we're in orbit. Hail Voyager.
Kim: ...............Theres no response.
7: Hmm, Bring us to within transporter range.
Kim: They are no longer in orbit! Wait......there! They are in the atmosphere, and appear to have lost control of the ship!
7: Does this thing have tractor beams?!
Kim: Yeah, but they're offline.
7: I hate that word.

(Fluxoflex)

Underling: Sir, Voyager is about to crash into San Francisco bay. Should we activate tractor beam?
Adams: Hmm. No.

(Starfleet Command)

Ensign: 20 seconds to impact!
Admiral Paris: Evacuate Starfleet Headquarters! Wait until I get my hands on that boy of mine!

(Voyager)

Paris: Impact in 10 seconds! I'm attempting to level our descent!
Chakotay: (shrieks)
Tuvok: All hands, brace for impact!
Riker: (releases bowels)
Troi: EEEEEEEEEEEE--Ew, Will! ------EEEEEEEEK!
Darth: (gags)
Geordi: (whispering) Pssst, Data?
Data: Oh yeah. Oooooooooooh, shit!

(Voyager, now flying almost horizontal to the water, hits at full speed. A massive blast wave of water goes in all directions as Voyager tears along, towards San Francisco)

(Voyager, bridge, shaking aplenty)

Paris: We're co-o-o-oming u-u-u-p on the B-b-bridge!
Chakotay: (is thrown out of seat) A-a-a-ll engines, f-f-f-full reverse!
Geordi: E-e-e-engines arent responding! They a-a-a-a-appear to be clo-g--gged with whale carcasses!
Chakotay: Da-a-a-mn George and Gra-c-c-cie! I di-d-d-din't think they'd reproduce o-o-o-only in the bay!

(StarFleet Command)

Ensign: They'll hit the bridge any second!
Admiral Paris: Come on, the hover limo is waiting! Let's go!
Ensign: Aye sir! (both run out)

(Voyager, still 'surfing' along the bay, tearing up the water as they go.)

Paris: Bridge impact in 10 seconds!
Chakotay: If we hit that bridge, we'll sustain heavy damage!
Geordi: We can't stop in time! Theres nothing we can do!
Chakotay: Incorrect! Mr. Tuvok, power the forward phasers!
Entire Bridge Crew: WHAT!?
Chakotay: If theres no bridge theres no danger! Lock target!
Tuvok: Target locked!
Chakotay: FIRE!

(Voyager fires a phaser blast at the bridge. It hits and the Bridge explodes, the entire structure is torn apart)

Office Building: Debris! Duck!
TransAmerica Building: Huh? GAK!

(Voyager)

Darth: Cool!
Geordi: Torres reports she has the thrusters purged of whale crap and they are back online!
Chakotay: Emergency reverse!
Paris: Aye sir!

(Voyager's thrusters give off a massive blast and the ship starts to rapidly slow down, just as it shoots past the wreckage of the bridge. Voyager, still going fairly fast, is on course for the city)

Chakotay: Maximum power to thrusters and structural integrity!
Paris: We're gonna hit the shore any second!
Troi: Want me to take over the helm?
Bridge Crew: NO!

(Voyager much slower, yet still going at 400 KM/H plows ahead, straight for the city. Just short of the Marina, they hit a sandbar)

Sandbar: (splatter)

(Voyager's saucer section is thrown downwards by the impact, the ventral hull now scraping the bay floor as they hit the Marina)

Marina: GAK!

(Voyager hits the shoreline, pulverising all the buildings there. Now going at around 200 KM/H, they are heading right for the Central Business District)

Chakotay: Brace!!!!!

(Their saucer hits an office building, destroying a large chunk of it. It collapses as the nacelle passes)

Voyager: CRASH CRUNCH BLAM SMASH, KA-BLOOEY!!

(Voyager rams building after building, including the odd gas main)

Paris: We're coming up on Starfleet Headquarters!
Chakotay: Full stop, NOW!

(Voyager slams the brakes on just as it crashes through the Headquarter's gates. The ship, about 300 feet from crashing into Headquarters starts screeching to a halt)

Bridge Crew: (all holding breath)
Chakotay: (gripping armrests)
Paris: (staring blankly at viewscreen)
Troi: (whimpers)

(The ship, a foot from hitting the main building, finally, stops)

Bridge Crew: (all exhale simultaneously)
Chakotay: Whew. That was close.
Troi: (finally snapping) CLOSE? CLOSE!? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET ANY CLOSER?! THIS IS THE WORST SHIP I'VE EVER BEEN ON! I HATE IT, I HATE YOU! (points madly at Chakotay) I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!! (shrieks madly and runs into turbolift)
Darth: Whoa.
Tuvok: Sir, receiving transmission from the Shinassi.
Chakotay: On screen.
Viewscreen: (falls out of wall and smashes as it hits the hull outside)
Chakotay: Errr, on speakers then.
Harry: (over comm) YOU IDIOT!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY APARTMENT WITH BRIDGE VIEWS WAS WORTH!?!?! NOW, THANKS TO YOUR BONEHEADED, UTTERLY INCOMPETANT LEADERSHIP, NOT ONLY IS THERE NO BRIDGE, THERE IS NO MORE APARTMENT! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU IDIOTIC STARFLEET REJECT!!!! IF I WAS DOWN THERE----------OWW!!!!
Chakotay: Thankyou 7.
7: Don't mention it. Is everyone okay?
Chakotay: Yes I think so, it seems----
Torres: (Over comm) OH THANKYOU CAPTAIN! WHAT A STELLAR PIECE OF CAPTAINING! I HOPE YOU'RE AWARE ENGINEERING IS NOW NECK DEEP IN WATER! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TAKE A SHIP WITH FRICKING HULLBREACHES INTO A BAY!?!?! OH YES, HOW COULD I FORGET! IT IS EARTH, THATS WHY! EVERY SINGLE, LOATHSOME DAY IN THAT GOD FORSAKEN STINKY QUADRANT IT WAS 'EARTH EARTH EARTH' ALL DAY LONG! WELL WE'RE HERE, SO SHUTUP!!
Comm line: KA-BLAM!!
Chakotay: Well, perhaps not everyone.
7: We'll beam down as soon as we can, 7 out. (commlink terminates)
Tuvok: Sir, detecting activity on the ground.
Chakotay: Ah, our adoring public. I expect they wish to meet their heroes. Come along everyone, to the landing ramp!

(After significant amounts of pumping, the crew reach deck 15)

Geordi: I wasn't aware the Intrepid class had a landing ramp.
Chakotay: We had it installed last year. It was getting annoying clambering up the landing struts everytime we landed the ship.
Data: (presses ramp button)

(The landing ramp starts to lower, but starts straining, the chains snap and the ramp crashes into position on the ground)

Tuvok: (waving dust away) Well, it is down.
Darth: I really think this ship has had it.
Chakotay: Don't be absurd! She's in her prime, and she's a damn tough ship!
Deflector Dish: (groans, creaks and falls out of the hull) CRASSSH!!
Chakotay: Nothing a fresh coat of paint won't cure.
(7 and Kim beam down)
Geordi: Hey guys, we're about to meet the greeting party. You feeling okay Harry?
Kim: (7 jabs a phaser into his back) Uh yes. I am fine. Not at all angry about my apartment.
Chakotay: Jolly good! Let's go!

(The crew walks down the ramp and stands on the grass)

Chakotay: Good to be home. Say I think that's Admiral Paris!
Admiral Paris (striding up) Oh yes. Welcome to Earth, Captain.
Chakotay: Great to be here! I must say we are honoured by the welcoming -----
Admiral Paris: To business. First, (points at Tuvok and Kim) you two are fired. You lot (points at Chakotay, Data, Geordi, Riker and 7) are all under arrest. And YOU (points at Paris) are so grounded!
Paris: Aw, dad!
7: (as security guards grab her arms) Hey! I wasn't even on board when they crashed into San Francisco!
Kim: Neither was I!
Chakotay: Admiral, is this really necessary?! We only wanted to surprise Starfleet and our adoring public!
Admiral Paris: Oh really? At the moment, the only thing stopping your 'adoring public' from killing you all for destroying their city is those portable forcefields! Guards! Take them away! Er, and him too!
Darth: Aw, crap.

THE END.


Epilogue: As we zoom out from the wreck of the Starship Voyager, we see the crew being arrested and dragged off, one by one. They were all held in maximum security for some time until their trials. Which, due to an out of court settlement, went fairly smoothly.

What happened to them all? Well:

Chakotay? He returned to his Native American tribe. However, the tribe branded him an 'idiot' and rejected him. His last known wherabouts is Mexico, running a shoe repair shop and faking US passports.

Tuvok? After convincing the Vulcan Government to pay for the damage to San Franciso he returned to his family on Vulcan. However, his wife, after long giving him up for dead, married the great Vulcan 'Billy T'Ral'. She, Billy and their 10 children now live in a caravan in Logic Fields trailer park. Tuvok is now seeking a court order to visit his children who unfortunatley refer to him as 'that fancy schmancy space slicker'.

Neelix? Unfortunately (or fortunately) he was killed by the crowd 5 seconds after he stepped off Voyager. His skin now decorates Starfleet Command's foyer, above a sign which reads 'Do Not F**k With Us'.

Darth Vader? After an abortive attempt to start a Galactic Empire based on pure evil, he constructed a secret Volcano Lair and is believed to be studying the ancient Austin Powers movies.

Data? After a holiday in Silicon Valley, Data returned to Starfleet. Eventually given the rank of Captain and given command of a Starship, Data now bores an entire crew with his relentless babble. However, due to his emotion chip, the crew are forced to listen, fearing a psychopathic rage fit.

Geordi & Torres? After considerable time, he and Torres married. According to visitors at their love nest, conversations with the couple are very hard to follow. Apparently, arguments involving 'inverted ion modules', 'plasma flux sensors' and 'interspatial signal enhancers' often result in a screaming fit that includes breaking crockery before they both fall into a passionate embrace and make love, often, right infront of their guests.

Voyager? She was left where she was, as a monument to the decision of allowing former terrorists to command multi-billion dollar, flying weapons of mass destruction.

The rest? I dunno, they died or something. I've run out of funny.

THE END. (2)

[PainRack]

I like this.............

[Mr. Coffee]

That was fucking awsome... Came near to making me shoot hot coffee out of my nose at least twice. You got any idea hot much hot coffee burns in your nose, man?

Please tell me there's gonna be a sequel.

[TurboPhaser]

Thanks.

Sequel......err. Possibly an Enterprise based one. But I feel I might end up repeating all the 'jokes'.

We'll see.

[Star Empire]

Very good. I think my favorite part of the whole story was when TNG Borg showed up.