Don't eat the Cryptosporidium!

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-24 08:34pm

I would have written this Chardokian review sooner, but I spent a lot of time trying to think up the perfect title. And it still sucks, I know. Fuck you.

So, you, uh, fancy yourself a ruthless alien warrior? No? Then don't buy this game. As one of our scout ship pierced the atmosphere of the tiny blue planet, streaking toward some strange radioactive signatures below.....

BLAM!

IDIOT HUMANS! They set off nuclear weapons INSIDE THEIR OWN ATMOSPHERE! Have you ever heard of something so ridiculous? So, we've lost contact with our scout ship, and with it's pilot, Cryptospridium-136. That's right, my brother. What were we doing scouting out this backwater planet anyway? I'll tell you what. Thousands of generations of genetic manipulation has left my race without functioning genitalia. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, MONKEY BOY?! Anyway, with our advanced technology, we had no need for the messy process of sexual reproduction. But we were short-sighted. After thousands of generations of cloning, it turns out our DNA has been unravelling at the tips, and our clones are becoming increasingly unstable.

We (By we I mean orthopox, my commander) have discovered that on this pitiful mudball lives a race of slightly evolved monkeys called "Humans". What is the significance of this? Inside their primitive and nearly-worthless brains is a tiny little piece of Furon DNA. This is the key to our survival as a race. My mission? To go down and prep the planet for invasion, collecting as many brain stems as possible for study.

We know the humans have pitiful chemically propelled projectile weapons at their disposal. Scaaaaary. check out what I got!

Zap-o-matic- This handy-dandy little gun features 900,00 volts of electricity at 400 amps. More than enough to wrnech the pathetic monkes from their mortal bindings.

Anal Probe Gun- This little gem prevents me from having to extract their brains with my mental powers. I just charge this baby up for a few seconds and let it fly. the beam worms it's way up their rectums, all the way up to their brains, where it painfully extracts their brain stems! If I dont want to extract their brains, I simply give em a half juiced shot, and watch em run away screaming, clutching their butts.

Disintegrator ray- Even as stupid as you Humans are, you should know what a disintegrator ray does. A couple bolts from this bad boy roasts em to dust. It can also take out vehicles, Tanks, pretty much enything you care to pour energy into.

Ion detonator launcher- Ever get that itch to just blow something up? Enter the detonator launcher, I can detonate these baby's remotely, or let em sit and blow up on their own.

And that's not even saying ANYTHING about my ship! my ship is equipped with some WICKED weaponry for roasting mokneys, or taking out buildings. I got:

Death Ray: standard issue stuff here, Ever see war of the worlds? Orson Wells got the idea for his martian's death ray after being abducted by us Furons and regaining conciousness long enough to overhear a conversation between Orthopox and I about juicing up the one on my scout craft.

Abducto Beam- this is what we use to steal your cows. we can also use it to pick up cars, tanks, pretty much anything not bolted down, and SWING EM AROUND LIKE A GIANT FLAIL!

Sonic boom- This one is fun! Shoots out a ring of sound waves! Oooh, you may say, sounnnnnnnd waves! Well, PISS OFF, PRIMATE!, this ain't no ordinary aound wave! This baby'll take down a skysraper in two shot, and scatter Majestic agents like twigs!

Quantum deconstructor- This is secret technology that I ain't saying NOTHING about, Monkey. Well, okay, I'll say one thing. "Boom".

So now you know the mission, let's talk about the dangers. From what we can tell, it's about 1955, the height of McCarthyism and Anti-commie hatred. You got the cops, you got the military, and a secret organization known only as Majestic. They use stolen and recovered Furon technology in their weapons, but that doesn't stop MENTAL POWERS! I can still pick em up and toss em around with the power of my TELEKENISIS! I can also read their primitive thoughts, explode their heads, or make em dance around like the ridiculous monkeys they are!

That's all I'm saying about this game. Oh, and the fact that it rocks. the dialog is clever, witty, and entertaining, and the gameplay is smooth (On the XBOX, anyway) draw distance is phenomenal. the soundtrack is straight out of a B movie, which adds to the ambience. Even my Girlfriend enjoys watching me play this game. It gives you alot of choices on how to copmlete the missions, too. Now, that's not to say that youhave the freedom of, say, GTA, it's still not so linear that it's no fun. sometimes, I pop in DAH just to jump in my saucer and level a city. (My fave is capitol city, where I get to burninate the White House) In short, get this game. it has tons of extras, too. But I ain't sayin shit about them either except: They're cool.

And NO! It's not, and will not be released for PC! so STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, ASSES!

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2005-06-24 09:34pm

You know what rocks for game reviews? The name of the game. But I'm guessing it's Destroy All Humans.

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-25 03:42am

SirNitram wrote:You know what rocks for game reviews? The name of the game. But I'm guessing it's Destroy All Humans.

No! You were supposed to google it, pathetic human! Prepare for probing!

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2005-06-25 10:33am

Chardok wrote:
SirNitram wrote:You know what rocks for game reviews? The name of the game. But I'm guessing it's Destroy All Humans.
No! You were supposed to google it, pathetic human! Prepare for probing!

*Shoots you with his disintigrator beam*

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2005-06-26 04:23pm

Ohhh for some fun listen carfully to the first two soldiers you see when starting the mission Whatever happened to 136 yes foolish human Holobob them then listen in.

" I am not green you color blind monkey"

"Here are they keys and do be sure to bring it back 00...I mean Crypto "

Max · Post by **Max** » 2005-06-29 05:15pm

Ok... I went and bought DAH and Conker...I bought DAH on your glorious review...and I was inspired after seeing War of the Worlds...Hopefully this game will keep my attention like Psychonauts did.

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-29 07:24pm

Conker fucking rocks, too. Man...the opera-singing giant shitball makes the game! LOL

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-29 08:35pm

mplsjocc wrote:Ok... I went and bought DAH and Conker...I bought DAH on your glorious review...and I was inspired after seeing War of the Worlds...Hopefully this game will keep my attention like Psychonauts did.

And let me know how you like DAH. I personally give it my seal of approval

LaserRifleofDoom · Post by **LaserRifleofDoom** » 2005-06-30 10:20am

Guys, you're just now gettin Conker? that's been out on the N64 for years. Looks like you're a little behind the curve. But it is still definately one of the greatest games out there, even if I've already heard all the jokes a dozen times over and know how to get 99 lives and beat all the bosses.

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2005-06-30 10:28am

LaserRifleofDoom wrote:Guys, you're just now gettin Conker? that's been out on the N64 for years. Looks like you're a little behind the curve. But it is still definately one of the greatest games out there, even if I've already heard all the jokes a dozen times over and know how to get 99 lives and beat all the bosses.

The new Conker, its pretty now

LaserRifleofDoom · Post by **LaserRifleofDoom** » 2005-06-30 10:46am

Bah, they ruinated the graphics. It was cute and funny then, now its too damn realistic.

Max · Post by **Max** » 2005-06-30 11:27am

LaserRifleofDoom wrote:Guys, you're just now gettin Conker? that's been out on the N64 for years. Looks like you're a little behind the curve. But it is still definately one of the greatest games out there, even if I've already heard all the jokes a dozen times over and know how to get 99 lives and beat all the bosses.

I had Conker for N64, that was another reason I got the current version...plus the fact that now you can go live and play against people...which I have to say, is more fun than Halo 2 right now.

DAH...it's fun...but it get repetitive for me. Then again, I only played it for an hour before my friends were bugging me to get online to play Conker. Good thing I have a 4 day weekend. =)

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-30 12:40pm

I love the online conker. Did you know you get rewards for the number of kills you get with each class? Like for the long-Ranger, when you get 1000 kills with that particular class, you get a sniper rifle the, as you power it up, there's no laser to trace it back to you.

Max · Post by **Max** » 2005-06-30 01:15pm

add my gamertag...we can play sometime...I doubt I'll get 1000 kills this weekend. I still have to play DAH some more.

By the way, on DAH...

How many brains do I need to get in order to upgrade? Do you find yourself going through the different levels just to anally probe people...or am I the only one. =)

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-06-30 04:17pm

Well, it'll tell you return to your mothership when a new storyline mission is available, and the upgrades become available as you complete the misions.

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2005-06-30 05:03pm

Well after 5 days I managed to get a 100% completion rating on the game......what I would like to see for the next one...

A day/night cycle..... you are harder to see at night and its easier to sneak around but there are fewer people about.

larger playing area...as in GTA SA sized....open endedness yes...

more upgrades...like say a speed upgrade so your saucer can fly faster and even shield upgrades....

more enemies damint!!! like say APCs....artillery....and even helicopters...

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-07-01 02:25pm

Typhonis 1 wrote:Well after 5 days I managed to get a 100% completion rating on the game......what I would like to see for the next one...

A day/night cycle..... you are harder to see at night and its easier to sneak around but there are fewer people about.

larger playing area...as in GTA SA sized....open endedness yes...

more upgrades...like say a speed upgrade so your saucer can fly faster and even shield upgrades....

more enemies damint!!! like say APCs....artillery....and even helicopters...

Holy shit, dude. That's amazing! Did you get all of the hidden probes on the ground, too? Sheesh. I am jealous!

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2005-07-01 06:42pm

I need to get DAH and Conker. The former because everytime I see South Park it's advertised ("Oh my giddy aunt!") and the latter because, well, it's Rare.

By the way, Chardok, it's Orson Welles (notice the "e") and it was H.G. Wells that wrote the novel. Those monkeys have infected you with stupiditah.

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-07-01 06:55pm

Admiral Valdemar wrote:I need to get DAH and Conker. The former because everytime I see South Park it's advertised ("Oh my giddy aunt!") and the latter because, well, it's Rare.

By the way, Chardok, it's Orson Welles (notice the "e") and it was H.G. Wells that wrote the novel. Those monkeys have infected you with stupiditah.

DISGUSTGING PRIMATES! Hmm... obviously they have more advanced weaponry than we had anticipated. Well, Thank you Admiral Valdemar, We were going to let a few of your species live in Cryo-sleep for study, so that we didn't completely wipe you all from the face of the galaxy; but you have shown that you are all simply too dangerous to be allowed to live. CHEW ELECTRIC DEATH, SANRLING CUR!

*ZAP*

(cookie?)

EDIT_______________-

holy run on sentence batman!

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2005-07-01 09:35pm

yes all probes all side missions ...all main missions....alll advances..... I have a 100% completion rating in the game Like shooting monkeys in a barrel

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2005-07-01 09:43pm

Typhonis 1 wrote:yes all probes all side missions ...all main missions....alll advances..... I have a 100% completion rating in the game Like shooting monkeys in a barrel

Bastard.