Adoptee Seeks Advice

gizmojumpjet · Post by **gizmojumpjet** » 2005-07-05 10:12pm

Hello and welcome. I'm an adoptee; specifically, I was adopted by a loving couple 30+ years ago, ~2-4 months after my birth.

A few months ago, thanks to the interwebnet, I learned the identity of my birth mother and, as Google would have it, found out her work location and email address. I will cut to the long and short of it: I emailed her and briefly introduced myself, described my situation, and said if she didn't contact me I wouldn't bother her again.

This last part is the issue. I became troubled as soon as I included that language in the message. Email sucks ass due to spammers, so I'm not entirely certain she ever received the message where I told her I wouldn't contact her if she didn't respond to it.

The question is: Since I can't be sure she received my original message, should I contact her again through more reliable channels?

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2005-07-05 10:21pm

Try giving her a call by phone if possible, I can imagine it would take building up your nerve quite a bit, but you could remove all ambiguity by actually talking to her.

Mr. T · Post by **Mr. T** » 2005-07-05 10:41pm

Yes, I'd advise you to call her as well. I think a few minutes of possible awkwardness is worth it, since you really don't want to deal with "what ifs" down the road in the future. Besides, worst case scenario is your life just returns to normal. Good luck!

Solauren · Post by **Solauren** » 2005-07-05 11:03pm

Call her.

Remember, some companies also completely sensor there employee's email, making it impossible to send or recieve external email

FSTargetDrone · Post by **FSTargetDrone** » 2005-07-06 01:44am

Just remember, you've not been in her life all these years, so suddenly hearing from you might come as quite a shock. It may take some time for her to become comfortable, especially since you may not know all the details or reasons why she chose adoption for you.

Good luck!

gizmojumpjet · Post by **gizmojumpjet** » 2005-07-08 12:24am

I appreciate all of the input, which affirms my initial instinct on the subject. Thanks to you all!

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2005-07-08 04:58pm

I'm going to say this...

You shouldn't have emailed her at all. You shouldn't call her. She gave you up for a reason, and contacting her out of the blue more than likely upset her horribly.

What you *should* have done was go to the Vital Records office and ask them if there was a Voluntary Adoption Registry, which puts birth families back in touch with each other, *IF* they want to be contacted.

Your birth mother may not have wanted to hear from you. She's build her new life without you, thinking that she sent you to a better life. She's got a job, probably another family to care for. She might not appreciate the past returning so suddenly.

gizmojumpjet · Post by **gizmojumpjet** » 2005-07-08 05:45pm

LadyTevar wrote:I'm going to say this...

You shouldn't have emailed her at all. You shouldn't call her. She gave you up for a reason, and contacting her out of the blue more than likely upset her horribly.

I think you're making an assumption here; it's just as possible that getting in contact with me would fill her with joy (please see below regarding what I know of her situation). Also, not knowing anything about one's roots and family health background is pretty upsetting itsself, and it never goes away.

If hearing from me does upset her, she'll get over it. If I don't get answers to my questions, I'll take them to my grave. That's not really acceptable to me without giving it the old college try.

I'll admit that my motivations are completely selfish and I'm willing to take the chance of upsetting someone if there's also the chance that I'll find out more about my roots.

LadyTevar wrote:What you *should* have done was go to the Vital Records office and ask them if there was a Voluntary Adoption Registry, which puts birth families back in touch with each other, *IF* they want to be contacted.

Been there; done that. After about a decade of trying it, I decided to be more proactive. A week later I had the info I wanted and I don't regret it at all.

LadyTevar wrote:Your birth mother may not have wanted to hear from you. She's build her new life without you, thinking that she sent you to a better life. She might not appreciate the past returning so suddenly.

Tough. She had me, and as far as I'm concerned there are certain responsibilities and obligations that go along with that. I don't want Christmas cards, I don't want money, and I certainly don't want another Mom since I've got a great one already, but I feel strongly that I deserve to know at least the most general details about my bio-family's history, and I'm particularly interested in knowing any medical history I should be aware of.

LadyTevar wrote:She's got a job, probably another family to care for.

As a matter of fact, she doesn't have a family. I've managed to learn quite a bit about her via the 'net and a kindly investigator. If I knew she did have a hubby and/or other kids I probably wouldn't have given a lack of response to my original email a second thought, but knowing that she doesn't has made me awfully suspicious that she didn't get my original message.

If she doesn't want to tell me these things that's fine. As I explained in the OP, I informed her that I wouldn't contact her again if she isn't interested in being in touch, but I need to know she actually received the message in order to put the matter to rest.

I sincerely appreciate your input but I am afraid we will have to agree to disagree on the issue.

FWIW, I am leaning away from callong and towards sending her a certified letter.

Mr. T · Post by **Mr. T** » 2005-07-08 05:50pm

LadyTevar wrote:I'm going to say this...

You shouldn't have emailed her at all. You shouldn't call her. She gave you up for a reason, and contacting her out of the blue more than likely upset her horribly.

What you *should* have done was go to the Vital Records office and ask them if there was a Voluntary Adoption Registry, which puts birth families back in touch with each other, *IF* they want to be contacted.

Your birth mother may not have wanted to hear from you. She's build her new life without you, thinking that she sent you to a better life. She's got a job, probably another family to care for. She might not appreciate the past returning so suddenly.

Let's not forget that it was her that had him and gave him up for adoption. If hearing from him again damages her little world she's built for herself now who gives a fuck?

gizmojumpjet · Post by **gizmojumpjet** » 2005-07-08 05:59pm

Mr. T wrote:Let's not forget that it was her that had him and gave him up for adoption. If hearing from him again damages her little world she's built for herself now who gives a fuck?

Well, I would, for starters, since while I'm admittedly selfish on the issue, I'm no sadist. It's a risk I'm willing to take because I'm not convinced that's the most likely outcome.

Post by **Coyote** » 2005-07-09 02:59am

There is another way to look at this which could be unexpected-- things may go the opposite direction. She may be thrilled to hear from you, and want to resolve feelings of guilt. She may want to know every detail of your life, and want to "make up the lost years" and "be a good mom".

She could start calling all the time, even calling your adoptive parents, insinuate herself into your life, and basically try to become a co-parent or start telling you all manner of unwanted advice. This can make life very uncomfortable for all involved.

It may get to the point where coldness or a grunted greeting, a few moments of awkward silence, and a closed door would have seemed like paradise.

My adoptive mom is a wonderful and loving woman, but she comes with quite a combo plate of neuroses. The thought of compounding that with another leaves me feeling very wary about making an effort to find my real mom.

gizmojumpjet · Post by **gizmojumpjet** » 2005-07-09 03:52pm

Coyote wrote:There is another way to look at this which could be unexpected-- things may go the opposite direction. She may be thrilled to hear from you, and want to resolve feelings of guilt. She may want to know every detail of your life, and want to "make up the lost years" and "be a good mom"

Such a situation wouldn’t be at all unexpected for me. This isn’t exactly an issue I haven’t put some thought into. If she wants to know every detail of my life, I’m cool with that. It’s not particularly exciting, and I don’t really have anything to be ashamed of. I’m not chest-thumping, though; I don’t live in a rose garden, but I’ve never met anyone who does.

Coyote wrote:She could start calling all the time, even calling your adoptive parents, insinuate herself into your life, and basically try to become a co-parent or start telling you all manner of unwanted advice. This can make life very uncomfortable for all involved.

That's entirely possible, and it's something I've considered. I've discussed the issue with my folks and they understand the issues involved and support my efforts entirely. They've been completely open about my adoption since I could speak, and understand that I'm not looking for my "real family," since that's them. I am trying to answer some questions about my roots and getting unwanted advice and learning how to deal with or ignore it gracefully is, I’ve observed, an important part of growing up.

Coyote wrote:It may get to the point where coldness or a grunted greeting, a few moments of awkward silence, and a closed door would have seemed like paradise.

I have a lawyer on retainer and wouldn’t hesitate to invoke a restraining order if it came to that. In all things we do, there are risks. We need to balance these against the possible rewards, and we need to keep the in mind how likely any particular outcome might be. I judge the likelihood of such an event to be acceptably low.

Coyote wrote:My adoptive mom is a wonderful and loving woman, but she comes with quite a combo plate of neuroses. The thought of compounding that with another leaves me feeling very wary about making an effort to find my real mom.

I doubt you’d be able to find a single SD.net member that can’t attribute at least one neurosis to at least one of their parents. I’m not looking for another mom, I’m looking for basic information, and everything else after that which I deem pleasant is gravy. That which isn’t can be dealt with accordingly.

Post by **Coyote** » 2005-07-09 10:23pm

You have indeed thought this out, and covered your bases well. Having the family and a lawyer pre-briefed was definitely insightful. I say, go for it.