Zaia's Babysitting Adventure!

[Zaia]

What about your car?

Eh, the car I have now means very little to me, since I donated Bob (my Camry) a few weeks ago to a local charity-type-thing. Which I'm sure will be taken as a dare, but go on! Do your worst! I can take it, Kuj!

Z... Hon. I'm in the group, you really think anything short of leaving the state will keep your house standing?

I'm an optimist. I can't help it. Leave me be.

[Typhonis 1]

If anything happens I`m sure RML can build Zaia a newer even better house with a computer to run it even.

[Darth Yoshi]

Wow, things are staring to heat up. Not only can chibizilla perform vastly powerful magic, Zaia is insane enough to take the carnival out for dinner.

Can you blame me for wanting to keep my house standing?

Z... Hon. I'm in the group, you really think anything short of leaving the state will keep your house standing?

Well, there is that whole thing with you being tiny.

[Singular Quartet]

If anything happens I`m sure RML can build Zaia a newer even better house with a computer to run it even.

Yep, and with me programming it, there's only a 12%* chance that it'll kill you, even!

*Physical, mental, property, and spiritual damage not included in estimate. The writer of this statistic has never taken a statistics course, and is merely using the United Federation of Planets "Calcumatronanator of Time Until Your DOOM" to arrive at numbers. The PADD he was using was a little old and dusty, much like the rest of his computer equipment, and he may have misread, and the percent sign may have been a colon, followed by two zeros. Like I said, the equipment was old and a little dusty.

[Kuja]

PART 6: Clown Cars and Pretty Kitties

*OPEN UP on the garage as the door to the house opens and the KIDS come piling out*

LINDAR: SHOTGUN!

CYRAN: No way! I called it first!

LINDAR: It doesn't count unless you can see the car!

CYRAN: What?

NANAHI: I'm afraid she's right. That's the most accepted way.

CYRAN: Who made up THAT dumbass rule?

ZAIA: *off-screen* CYRAN!

CYRAN: I'm sorry already! Jeez!

LINDAR: HAHA!

*they turn to find CHIBIZILLA buckling into the front seat*

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

LINDAR: HEY!

*CYRAN snickers and climbs into the backseat along with ALETIA and NANAHI. LINDAR scrambles over CHIBIZILLA and throws the armrest up to get to the middle front seat*

CHIBIZILLA: RRRRRROOOOOONNNNNK!

LINDAR: Sorry, didn't mean to step on your…whatever that is.

*ZAIA comes out holding BRAINCHILD, then hands him off to CHIBIZILLA*

CHIBIZILLA: Rrronk?

ZAIA: Because you're in the passenger seat.

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk.

ZAIA: I'm not asking you to like it, I'm telling you to do it.

*CHIBIZILLA glares down at BRAINCHILD*

BRAINCHILD: Do not even attempt to blame this on me.

*ZAIA crossed the garage and gets into the driver's seat, hits the garage opener, and glances into the rearview mirror as she starts the car*

ZAIA: Cyran, why do you look so glum all of a sudden?

CYRAN: I'm in the back of a car with two females and not only are they not human, we're also all underage.

*NANAHI and ALETIA both turn to glare at him*

CYRAN: Uh...no offense intended...right, ladies?

*ALETIA chomps on CYRAN'S arm and NANAHI sinks her fangs into his neck. CUT TO the car pulling out of the driveway. A lot of thrashing can be seen in the backseat and a few faint screams are heard as the car turns to drive away. CUT TO the car on the highway a few minutes later. A heavily bandaged CYRAN sits in the back seat*

ZAIA: So, does anyone have any preferences on where we're going?

LINDAR: Squee!

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

BRAINCHILD: I have none.

ALETIA: Chi!

CYRAN: Hospital.

NANAHI: Animal Shelter!

LINDAR: Squee!

ZAIA: Good lord, I am not asking that question again. OK, let's try this. Who likes Chinese?

*several affirmatives*

ZAIA: Alright, we're going to Banzai Buffet.

BRAINCHILD: Ah yes, banzai, a traditional Japanese battle cry. Also defined as a mass attack of troops without concern for casualties, a definition originating-

*CHIBIZILLA shakes the jar*

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

BRAINCHILD: Oh, shut up yourself! You'd do well to listen when I speak, you overgrown salamander!

CHIBIZILLA: RONK!

ZAIA: No fighting in the car!

*silence*

ZAIA: Well, here we are.

*the car pulls into the parking lot of a strip mall, near a store with the emblazoned words 'BANZAI BUFFET' above the door. The KIDS pile out*

ZAIA: Now, stay together-

LINDAR: OOH, LOOKEE!

*she bolts off into a nearby alleyway*

BRAINCHILD: Calculated attention span, point six seconds.

ZAIA: Lindar, come back here!

*LINDAR reappears holding a mangy cat*

LINDAR: Isn't he cute?

*a CHINESE MAN dressed as a chef comes out of the alley, wielding a bloody cleaver*

CHEF: Hey! That not yours! That mine! That for dinner hour! Give back!

NANAHI: Wow, I like this place already!

ZAIA: Everyone back in the car, now. Lindar, give the nice man his cat.

LINDAR: *tearing up* But I like the kitty!

ZAIA: Now!

LINDAR: OK.

*she hands the cat to the CHEF, who promptly runs back into the alley. A moment later, a bloodcurdling screech is heard*

ZAIA: Note to self: never come here again. Ever.

[darthdavid]

heheheh. THis gets better and better with every chapter.

[Captain Cyran]

ZAIA: So, does anyone have any preferences on where we're going?

LINDAR: Squee!

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

BRAINCHILD: I have none.

ALETIA: Chi!

CYRAN: Hospital.

NANAHI: Animal Shelter!

LINDAR: Squee!

Hehehe, great stuff man.

[Zaia]

*glares* You just had to make a cat joke, didn't you.

[Ford Prefect]

As to why the Chinese restaurant had a Japanese name, I neither know nor care. Great stuff Kuja.

[The Yosemite Bear]

yeah time to send the kittens after Kuja

[Singular Quartet]

So that's what that random unidentifiable meat was... it all makes perfect sense,

[The Duchess of Zeon]

*paces ominously whilst waiting for another chapter*

[Darth Yoshi]

"Squee!"
Good stuff.

[Kuja]

PART 7: I Reach For My Browning...

ZAIA: So, Chinese is out.

NANAHI: That cat looked stringy anyway.

*ZAIA shudders*

CYRAN: What about pizza? Is there a pizza joint around here?

ZAIA: Actually, there is. Any objections?

LINDAR: Squee!

BRAINCHILD: I have none.

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

ALETIA: Chi!

NANAHI: Not here.

ZAIA: Then we're going. There's a Pizza Hut next to the mosque up on MacBeth...

KIDS: *noises of celebration*

*minutes pass until the mosque comes into view*

NANAHI: Hey, it looks like there's a demonstration going on!

*she points two a pair of groups set up in front of the mosque, a group of LEFTWINGERS and a group of RIGHTWINGERS. The RIGHTWINGERS are burning a large pile of copies of the Koran as one of them shouts into a megaphone*

R-WING NUT: TELL THE FOLKS IN LONDON IT'S A RELIGION OF PEACE!

RIGHTWINGERS: YEAH!

R-WING NUT: TELL IT TO THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS!

RIGHTWINGERS: YEAH!

*meanwhile, the LEFTWINGERS are toting pro-Islam and pro-diplomacy signs as one of their own does the megaphone thing*

L-WING NUT: YOU CAN'T BURN A BOOK BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH IT!

LEFTWINGERS: YEAH!

L-WING NUT: WE HAVE TO ACCEPT MUSLIMS AND WORK TOGETHER FOR A BETTER FUTURE!

LEFTWINGERS: YEAH!

*someone in the Left-wing crowd shouts at the RIGHTWINGERS*

GUY: You ought to respect Muslim culture!

*MKSHEPPARD, dressed in a full-blown Nazi uniform, steps out from the Right-wing crowd*

SHEP: Wenn ich 'Kultur' höre, entsichere ich meinen Browning!

LINDAR: Huh?

BRAINCHILD: Translation from German: "When I hear the word 'culture', I release the safety catch on my Browning."

ZAIA: What?!

*SHEP proceeds to whip out a rifle and open fire on the unfortunate Left-winger. People on both sides begin panicking. ZAIA hits the accelerator*

ZAIA: Kids! Everyone look out the left side, right now!

*all but CYRAN do so. He cranes his head to watch the disappearing mosque*

CYRAN: Wow, he got him right between the eyes.

ZAIA: Cyran!

CYRAN: Just look at the blood spray, the skull's gotta be shattered-

ZAIA: CYRAN!

CYRAN: Must've just pulped the brain-

*LINDAR is beginning to look green*

CYRAN: Blown it all out the back-

ZAIA: CYRAN, SHUT UP!

*CYRAN looks around, confused*

CYRAN: What? I was just commenting that it must've been an armor-piercing round, since it just blew right through the guy and didn't explode like a hollowpoint-

ZAIA: Nanahi!

*NANAHI turns on CYRAN and again sinks her fangs into his neck*

CYRAN: YYYYEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW! GET HER OFF, GET HER OFF!

*CHIBIZILLA chants in an unnaturally deep voice*

CHIBIZILLA: N'GAI, N'GHA'GHAA, BUGG-SHOGGOG, Y'HAH!

*NANAHI suddenly lets go of CYRAN and begins panting and fanning herself while thrashing in her seat*

NANAHI: IT BURNS, IT BURNS! MAKE IT STOP!

CYRAN: Wow.

*CUT TO the labs*

SINGULAR: Kid's practicing again.

TYPHONIS: Yep.

*CUT TO the car*

NANAHI: IT HURTS!

ZAIA: I thought I said no fighting in the car!

*CHIBIZILLA grunts and makes a hand-twisting motion. NANAHI collapses into her seat*

NANAHI: Ooowwwww...

*CUT TO a very dark cavern-like place with flames covering the ground and walls. Something huge and misshapen can be vaguely seen moving through the flames when it suddenly halts and looks at the ceiling. A deep bass voice speaks*

VOICE: WHO HURT MY LITTLE GIRL?!

[Instant Sunrise]

huuuuhhh boy.

Things just go from bad, to worse. Now, mind telling me where the line for "zomg, include me plzkthx!"?

It would be appreciated.

[Singular Quartet]

Well... all I have to say is this: I'm impressed. I didn't think it was possible to make that incantation with only four fingers.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

*Choking, cackling, laughing madly*

[MKSheppard]

I hope The SHEP appears more in this story

[darthdavid]

hahahahha

[Ford Prefect]

That's just insane!

[Singular Quartet]

That's just insane!

IT'S SHEP. What do you expect?

[Captain Cyran]

That's just insane!

IT'S SHEP. What do you expect?

He's young yet.

The part about the SHEP and Cyran talking about the bullet was beautiful Kuja.

Though I'm glad it was chibizilla who has earned the wrath of whatever the hell that thing was and not me.

[Singular Quartet]

That's just insane!

IT'S SHEP. What do you expect?

He's young yet.

The part about the SHEP and Cyran talking about the bullet was beautiful Kuja.

Though I'm glad it was chibizilla who has earned the wrath of whatever the hell that thing was and not me.

Don't worry. When the shit hits the fan, the fan makes sure that everybody gets hit, not just the person you throw it at.

[Kuja]

PART 8: When the Shit Hits the Fan, Duck

ZAIA: Alright, Chinese is out, pizza's out. Any ideas?

LINDAR: Squee!

CYRAN: Outback Steakhouse!

NANAHI: Burger King!

BRANCHILD: Friday's!

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

ALETIA: Chi!

ZAIA: Come on guys, you have to just pick one.

LINDAR: Squee!

CYRAN: Outback Steakhouse!

NANAHI: Burger King!

BRANCHILD: Friday's!

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

ALETIA: Chi!

ZAIA: *sigh* This may take a while.

*CUT TO what appears to be a cathedral drenched in flames that appear to sprout from pools of blood. The smoke is so thick it obscures virtually everything, but a pair of demonic FIGURES can be vaguely seen moving through it. They come to an altar and take a knee*

VOICE: You know what you must do.

DEMONS: Yes, lord.

VOICE: Then go.

DEMONS: Yes, lord.

*they turn to leave*

VOICE: And hey.

*DEMONS turn back*

VOICE: Pick up some hot wings on the way back, will ya? Like a basket or something.

DEMON 1: Sure thing.

DEMON 2: You got it.

VOICE: OK, that's all.

*the DEMONS exit. CUT TO a real-world church, where the RIGHTWING NUTS have apparently gathered*

PREACHER: Go out and DESTROY the unbelievers, sayeth the Lord!

RIGHTWINGERS: HALLELUJAH!

PREACHER: Their heathen beliefs were what cased a RIOT today!

RIGHTWINGERS: PRAISE JESUS!

PREACHER: There is only ONE place to find God, and it is HERE!

*he throws his arm back at the church, at which point a pair of BALROGS come ripping out the front doors*

PREACHER: HOLY SHIT!

BALROG 1: Can you believe those idiots built a church right over the portal?

BALROG 2: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't make them.

*the PREACHER holds out a Bible in one trembling hand*

PREACHER: S-stay back! Get thee behind me Satan! Thou art an offense to me...and...uh...

*he trails off as the two BALROGS come up to tower over them. One holds up a hand and flicks the PREACHER in the forehead with his middle finger, sending the man flying across the street to slam into a lamppost and bend it*

BALROG 1: Jackass.

*RIGHTWINGERS panic and scatter as the two BALROGS calmly turn and walk down the street*

BALROG 1: Remind you of home yet?

BALROG 2: Nah, let's blow some shit up.

BALROG 1: Just can't forget the cheese fries.

BALROG 2: Hot wings.

BALROG 1: Right, those too.

*CUT TO a Subway parking lot. ZAIA is herding the KIDS across to the eatery*

LINDAR: Yay! I love Subway!

CYRAN: You love everything and everyone.

LINDAR: I do! Yay!

*they get inside. The Subway folks behind the counter stare at the group*

ZAIA: Ask no questions and you all get five bucks.

*they get to work*

SUBWAY GUY: What can I get you?

LINDAR: Uhmmm...

*others bypass her while she spends the next half-hour trying to decide and failing*

CYRAN: Meatball sub.

BRAINCHILD: Ice water for myself, hold the ice.

*ALETIA indicates the picture of a chicken finger sub*

NANAHI: Give me one of those triple meat subs, but no mayo. And no tomato. No lettuce either. Come to think of it, screw the sub, just give me the meat.

*CHIBIZILLA growls the crew into guessing what kind of sub he wants*

ZAIA: Just a turkey sub for me, thanks.

*ZAIA pays up and joins everyone else at the pair of tables they've taken over*

CYRAN: Yum.

ZAIA: Lindar, honey, don't you want anything?

LINDAR: *tearing up* I can't make up my mind!

*ZAIA rips her sub in two and offers half to LINDAR*

ZAIA: Here.

LINDAR: Yay! I love you!

*everyone starts eating or, in the case of BRAINCHILD, sticking a tentacle into the glass of water and somehow making the level of the water slowly drop*

ZAIA: Well, everyone's so quiet all of a sudden. I guess that means the food's good.

*without warning, the two BALROGS come ripping through the wall*

BALROG 1: GO TIME!

NANAHI: Oh, crap.

[Ford Prefect]

No swearing! *chortle* almost as good as my harmonica, but not quite.

I like the Balrogs. They remind me of a lot of great things, like their non-presence in my life. I ws however, dissappointed at the non-presence of THE SHEP, who made such a visceral impact on the previous chapter.