Battle for the Victory (My PSW fanfic)

[Lord Revan]

Ok chapter 6

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Chapter 6

A dark cloaked figure was watching as the damaged Trade Federation battle ship arrived to the Separtist main fleet in this sector. Corvettes, Carrack cruisers, Dreadnaughts both Geonosian and Rendili, Providence-class cruisers, Trade Federation Battleships and other capital ships 300 ships in total, but no other ship was as big as ship in which the the Figure was standing in, the one around which all the other ships formed. The Figure smiled under his death’s head shaped mask as looked at the durasteel “city” that covered most of dorsal hull of ship exept for the pyramid shaped base of his command tower. Figure turned to face the hologram emiter as the shaped of General Grievous formed on it

“Report Governor” the metalic voice said

“We have had some minor set backs general” the figure, governor Tring said “the Republic forces raided one of shipyards and may have learned the location of the cloning center and what were our special units there”

“I hope you have made sure that such error don’t happen in future” Grievous said and his image faded.

Governor Tring pressed his mechnical left hand in anger to a fist, the hand he had lost to his Padawan when he had lost a duel against him and “died”, but a hand was small price for the Power of the Dark side or least that was what he thought

Governor returned to viewport to look at gathering fleet, He had many wordered if the Jedi knew that he still alive after all Tring was not his real name and the Dark side clouded the the Jedi.

Soon he would would be able to rid this sector of Republic forces and then he would turn on Dooku and his sepertist and after that the conquer the Republic and take care of Dooku’s master this Sidious, Yes that was Tring’s plan, but unless he could stop these idiot underlings of he’s from getting beaten by the republic in every turn it would be just a dream.

Govenor Tring looked at fleet again and smiled, there was no way that Republic would have anything that could defeat this fleet in the sector.

[Lord Revan]

OK this chapter 7, it's kind of short as my MS word is acting funny.

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Chapter 7

The Jedi had transfered from the Victory to Protector-class assault cruiser

Anakin fixing his Starfighter in the hargar due to battle damage had inflicted on it earlier. He looked and saw some pilot in republic uniforms near some Z-95 starfighters. Anakin noticed that the fighter were painted black with red markings and decorations.

“Hey you there” one of pilot shauted to Anakin “Can you fly that thing too or do you just tinker with it so nobody would find out you can’t fly”

Anakin’s blood boiled and he almost reached out to choke the arrogant pilot, but he gained his control as he heard a voice “you shouldn’t boast until you know to whom you’re talking to pilot”
Anakin turned and saw Jaden in open door way, he was wearing semi-armored flight suit of a design that anakin had never seen before

“come Anakin, it’s time for the briefing for our next mission”

Anakin looked back as entered to doorway and saw that the boastin pilot was very quiet and tried become one with the wall.

[Lord Revan]

OK this mainly for me, but

a Protector-class vs. Tring's flagship (with a Venator for scale).

Any comments?

[Lord Revan]

ok Chapter 8 (Kaya Suln is character from Lusankya's fic that I'm using on her premission)


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Chapter 8

Obi-wan and Marin were all ready at briefing room, so holopresences of Mace Windu and Yoda

“Master Ordo and Padawan Skywalker” Yoda said ”Begin the briefing we can”

“Very well, your reports say that there’s some kind separtist cloning facility in system S-12423” Mace Windu said ”your orders are to take the fleet to that system and confirm the existance of cloning facility and destroy it, if it exisists”

“Understood, Master Windu” Jaden said „our spies have reported that thew facility is located in this city” a Hologram of symmetrical city with pier emerging from pyramid based apeared ”the towers on base contain appartment of so called upperclass, with large tower in the center being some kind control center” Jaden explained “This was citadel built by the Sith during the Sith war against Darth Revan, so it is heavily defended as separtist force have upgraded most of the defence towers and the Citadel is also protected by deflector shield”

“Marin, Anakin go prepare our forces”

“Master Ordo, Master Kenobi more to say we still have” Yoda as Jaden and Obi-wan were leaving

“We have reason to belive that master Suln is at the city on S-12423”

“Kaya Suln” Obi-Wan asked and Yoda nodded

“Alive the chancellor wants her, carefull you must be” the Ancient Jedi master said.

[Crazedwraith]

Isn't it Kaya Suln?

Anyway, its pretty good, but the title seems a little silly, does anyone battle for anthing other than Victory?

[Lord Revan]

Isn't it Kaya Suln?

Anyway, its pretty good, but the title seems a little silly, does anyone battle for anthing other than Victory?

Victory as in Victory class SD.

[Lord Revan]

Ok ch.9 is ready, plus I made name change due to new idea

Chapter 9

“Anakin don’t worry about that shield, if the reports are that system is 4000 years old, so probaly ain’t up to task of resiting modern naval bombarment and anyway we’re taking siege ship with us just in case it is up the task” Jaden as they walking to their fighters

Anakin saw Jaden changed into semi-armored flightsuit based on a Mandalorian design with a refitted Clonepilot’s helmet.

“all right we will jump in just before the main attack and try to take down the deflector shield generators, so that our troops can land” Obi-wan said “May the Force be with us”

They when to their Delta-7 fighters, Anakin to his customised blue/white, Obi-wan and Marin to their standard models and Jaden to his that was repainted to black and silver and lifted off

They dock with their Hyperspace rings and jumped to the objective.

“there doesn’t seem any capital ship around, strange” Anakin said as their jumped back to realspace.

“Be carefull this may be a trap” Jaden “I have target in scope, lets begin. Follow me down”

Jaden pushed his dart shaped fighter into a dive to the atmossphere of the target planet and rest follwed in perfect formation.

[Lord Revan]

ok now chapter 10

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Chapter 10

Strafing run of Jedi fighters was perfect, the ancient shield generator was overloaded and exploded from the hail of blue lasers bolts. The citadel had lost it’s main means of defence, so anti-figther, turbolaser, ion cannon and missile launcher fire errupted from hundreds of defence batteries in the citadel

“I’m hit!!” Marin screamed. Jaden could see that her fighter crashed into something that looked like hangar.

Jaden Landed between two gun positions as the main force started it attack, LAATs, ARC-170s, V-wings and Z-95s desended on the citadel bringing numerous clonetroopers with them.

As Jaden jump out of his figther one droid maning the guns noticed him

“hey, hands...” the droid cut in half by Jaden and he proceed to wipeout the rest of guncrews, only the green glow of his saber was seen as Jaden slashed thru the droids.

After the droids were dealt with Jaden entered a door way that lead to walkway in the hangar below.

[Lord Revan]

then chapter 11. I'd really like some comments from people (yeah I know my grammar is the e bast possible, but I mean mainly the story, is it any better then the stuff KJA wrote?)

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Chapter 11

As he entered the hangar, Jaden could see a lanrge fighter of a type he had not seen before in the middle and in a corner he could see two droids that carring some kind of staff weapons near something that looked like the remain of Marin’s figther though Jaden could not see her.

He could see more of those droid with staffs near a blastdoor in back of the hangar, next to bulkier droid or was it even droid as it felt odd thru the Force. The large droid was talking to somebody in shadows, but truly odd was that all droids were wearing somekind of cloaks

“Lord Sidious is pleased with progress of the project, but he’s not satisfied with your notion of security” the metalic voice said

“It’s not my fault General if Tring won’t invest in staff that doesn’t reveal all of your plans to the republic” a female voice said, “your plans”? this seemed quite coming from somebody who seemed in charge of the project, anyway it was clear now that large droid was General Grievous the leader of the CIS forces.
“Someone is here” the female voice said

Grievous looked up and saw Jaden

“Crush the Jedi” the cyborg general screamed.

Missles launched from droids hit walkway, but Jaden wasn’t there any more, a Force asisted jump had brought him behind the droids. He slashed with his saber thru torso of the nearer droid and pushed the other thru the opening into the battle outside.

“you, jedi stop him” Grievous said to the figure in the shadows.

“ you follow me” figure ordred to the MagnaGuard droids near her.

[Lord Revan]

Chapter 12 (noted to self don't play JKA while trying write a Fanfic)

like with pics I'd like some comments
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Chapter 12

Jaden retrived Marin’s saber from her lifeless body and lit it’s blade.

The summer sky blue blade in his left and his own green blade in his right, he waited. The attackers were split into two groups, the first with two MagnaGuard in it and the second with Kaya Suln and other two droids

The first droids attacked and Jaden let go of his sabers and used the Force to make spin around him. The droid were for this kind attack and were destroyed before they could use their electro staffs.

“Well that trick will work only once” Jaden thought and prepared to face the second group, he once trained with Kaya and noticed that her saber skills were down right pathetic, this could help in this case.

Instead waiting from them to attack Jaden charged against Kaya, who tried to the best of her abilities to block the attack, but succeeded in that only partly causing one of the droids to hit the other directly at seconary photoreceptor and disabling it.

The remaining droid tried to hit Jaden but instead of his head the droid hit Kaya’s saber just below the blade emiter and the droid itself got cut in half by Jaden.

With the droids destroyed and Kaya weaponless and lying on ground motionless, Jaden turned to face Grievous who was walking to his fighter

Jaden used the Force to pull Grievous into near by pillar.

“Going somewere General?” Jaden asked

“Another time I would take your saber for my collection Jedi, but now I have more important business” Grievous replied and threw something at Jaden

Jaden looked at object, a thermal detonator about to explode and was just able to push it with the Force behind an crate before it went off

After smoke from the explotion faded Jaden could see Grievous’ figther disapearing into the distance.

[Lord Revan]

Chapter 13

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Chapter 13

Sound of blaster fire caught Jaden’s attention he had forgoten that there battle in the citadel, as he turned to face the sound Jaden saw two B1 battledroids shooting at full automatic fire into smoke filled corridor only to be cut down by hail green and blue bolts coming from the corridor.

Three men appeared from the smoke, the first was ARC-commader called Hunter carring blasters in both hands. The other two weren’t clones dispite ther similar armor, but Republic Auxilia Shocktroopers carring their Heavy Repeaters ready to fire any droids they could shoot at.

“sir, the resistance has been mild so far” Hunter said, taking of his helmet at same time.

“Very well commander” Jaden replied “send somebody to look at cloning center”

“Already did, sir. Delta Squad was sent to infiltrate the center”

“Very good work, commander” Jaden said

Hunter looked at young jedi as Jaden went look at Kaya, The Clone commander had hear that Jaden’s father had a Mandalorian from Clan Ordo and had survived the destrucktion of the Super Commandos, but the Jedi General did look or act like Jango Fett the only Mandalorian Hunter had known.

“She need medical attention” Jaden said looking down on Kaya

“Understood, sir” replied and put his helmet back on and spoke something into it’s comlink.

“I called for a LAAT/i to pick her up and deliver to the Enterprise, but I think we should join general Kenobi at the command center, sir”

“lets go then” Jaden said.

[Lord Revan]

[rant]you know, that your fic must REALLY suck when nobody doesn't even comment that it sucks[/rant]

[Utsanomiko]

I'll comment that it sucks.

First of all, these 'chapters' are absurdly short. I used to do weeky writing assignments at a 1 1/2 page length when I was 14, and even then I thought they were too short to do anything more than simple episodic situations. These 15-20 line snippets you've got would be imcomprehensibly short even if it weren't for the poor grammar and spelling.

The typing is a mess. If it were a consistent lack of plurals, conjunctions, and definitive articles (most notably 'the'), it'd be one thing, but as far as I can tell it's the same laziness used in all your posts. It's best not to write fiction that casually.

Finally, I 'd try to comment or constructively criticize the actual subject and material you're writing about, but it just seems too bland and empty for me. then again I have that problem one way or another with most fan fiction; they just go through the motion of telling events rather than stories. But this stuff? It's half-events being half-described, there's not enough descriptions or material, and the rest is uncomfortable to read. It plainly sucks.

Thank you and enjoy your review!

[Lord Revan]

OK as it seem the only thing I can produce alone sucks worse then the Portal, I'd someone to help me finnish this and to rewrite the existing 13 chapters so that they're at least readble.