Short start to origional story

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2005-07-24 12:01am

Read this and tell me what I need to do to make it less sucky, and also if the premise vaguely interests you. If it does give the say so and I'll write some more.
Here it is---
The UECSFS Audacity drifted through the loose conglomeration of asteroids between Jupiter and Mars on a routine survey mission. She was an ugly little vessel, her cylindrical form covered in armored plates, bulbous protrusions, a veritable forest of antennae and several bulky turrets, each carrying a maser, that, relative to those of the rest of the fleet was of medium power. If one were to look closely they might even take note of several missile tubes.

These tubes would normally be stocked with high powered nukes strapped to high acceleration rockets. These could be used to turn humanity's enemies into molten slag in one of two ways, in the first, most obvious way, they could simply be accelerated at the enemy until said enemy was within the weapon's lethal radius. At that point it would detonate. The other, far more precise, method was to attach a special assembly to the weapon which would aim at a predetermined target, selecting another one from its priories list should it be unable to locate the first, and then detonate the thermonuclear warhead. While the assembly would only remain whole for a fraction of a second this would be all the time necessary to funnel the vast majority of the bomb's awesome destructive power into an X-Ray Laser. If the weapon's aim had been true this fear inspiring beam of sheer destructive force would then proceed to incinerate whatever it had been aimed at.

This was irrelevant for the Audacity at the moment because of the fact that her missile weapons had been removed to make room for a large number of survey probes. Because, after all, who would bother attacking a survey ship, especially one that was firmly within Earth's sphere of control?

Captain William O'Connor would have to kick the gormless twits who'd put him in command of this useless tin can in the teeth twice now. Once for putting him in command of the floating scrap heap in the first place, and then one more time for having stripped away his best weaponry, and not leaving any on the off chance that something, like, well, this, would happen. For at least the hundredth time since he'd taken command two weeks ago, he pondered how he'd gotten himself stuck on this floating coffin, and for what must have been the 10th time in as many minutes he wondered if he was going to live to administer those well deserved kicks to the teeth...

Post by **Kuja** » 2005-07-24 02:50am

Paragraphs. Need line breakage.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2005-07-24 02:52am

Kuja wrote:Paragraphs. Need line breakage.

I knew that might be a problem, I'm on it...
EdiT: Also fixed several bad wordings and fucked up sentence structures. I'm gonna write more by this time tomorrow so you won't just have this meagre bit of shit to judge this story by. And in case you couldn't tell I'm going for the classic greek "In Medias Res" (SIC) format...

Ford Prefect · Post by **Ford Prefect** » 2005-07-24 04:37am

UECSFS? United Earth Confederate Science Fiction Shitheads?

That's a long acronym. What does it mean?

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2005-07-24 10:41am

I also thing the prefix needs to be shorter and maybe the intor should be a little longer. Though it is nice to know there are people who write similar length chapters to me

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2005-07-24 05:32pm

Ford Prefect wrote:UECSFS? United Earth Confederate Science Fiction Shitheads?

That's a long acronym. What does it mean?

Motherfucker. You made me forget (teach me to write stories at 3 am, why don't ya?). When I remember what it stands for I'll fill you in. And if I don't by the time I've got something else written I'll just replace it.