Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy

[Darth Fanboy]

Well over in another thread someone remarked that they didn't want their memories of the Muppets ruined, and just as I was about to be evil my conscience showed up after a seven year absence. But, if you hate the muppets as much as I do then enjoy:

MUPPETS: BEHIND THE BLOW*
shamelessy stolen title from South Park*]

Fozzie Bear: Died in an alley with his hand down Animal's pants, after his comedy show routinely bombed he was forced into the vagabond lifestyle, where he developed a taste for low quality speed and cheap booze

Kermit the Frog: Its not easy being green, or smoking green or earning green for that matter. After attempting to smuggle two hundred pounds of marijuana in the back of his car across the Canadian border he was gunned down in a firefight with police after they identified him as someone who wounded two mounties with a large fish hook.

Gonzo: Fugitive in twelve states for fucking chickens. Arrested for looking under women's skirts on crowded subways, was caught when his nose became erect and accidentally molested a Korean foreign exchange student, also addicted to hentai.

Miss Piggy: Starred on the hit TV Show "Fat Actress."

Bunson and Beaker: Bunson plead guilty to second degree murder when he killed Beaker during a lover's tiff, no matter how much lubricant was used the bastard just qouldn't quit squeaking.

Statler and Waldorf: Responsible for the box office flop "Stealth", and the murder of a waitress in the sleepy town of Bumpkin, Idaho.

Rolf: Hung himself in his home after getting his ass kicked by Schroeder of "Peanuts" fame in a piano playing contest.

Yoda: After filming ended for Star Wars ended he lived a life of relative obscurity until the Special editions brought a resurgence of the franchise, and more royalty checks to contribute to Yoda's addiction to hookers.

After a regrettable incident at the Playboy mansion following The premiere of Episode I Yoda cleaned himself up and married Carrie Fisher who had also cleaned herself up. Even though the marriage ended 10 months later they still keep in close contact. Yoda now is authoring a series of self-help books and owns a small vineyard in Temecula, CA.

[Ford Prefect]

Amusing, but an actual chapter would be better. I want to know what happens next! Will Shep and Falk actually retrieve you, and will this actaully make sense again*?

*As much sense as it used to make, anyway.

[Darth Fanboy]

UPF CHAPTER XXXI: Fight Night Part II, The Main Event! or "REVENGE OF THE GNOMES"

The voices of Cyran and Kuja become audible.

"Well shit Cyran that was good old fashioned slobberknocker! Albeit one sided! But the Rajun Canajun put on a fantastic performance!"

"You're damn right he did Kuja, as we look at the video highlights...(cuts to a video replay)

As soon as the bell sounded Mike Wong was alreayd prepared to engage the Imperial Smackdown, he started his assault by landing the "Canon Kick" to the side of Darkstar's forehead before nailing him with a "200 Gigaton Elbow Drop" from the top ropes. Darkstar curled up into the "Wall of Ignorance", which resembled the fetal position a lot more than a wall as Wong tried to hammer away with his boot. The attacks were futile, but as soon as Darkstar stuck his nose out of the position he was greeted rudle by "Providing the Evidence" in the former of a spinebuster. The fatal blow was landed when Wong landed his signature move, the ICS Atomic Drop. Darkstar's failure to wear a cup doomed him, probably because he thought his federation jumpsuit would provide him with the protection he needed, but as Wong's knee crushed the small amount of organic matter that compromised Scooter's genitals everyone could tell the match was over. Although a small band of Darkstar fans up in the cheap seats were celebrating their victory due to their poor vantage point. If only their eyes and brains functioned properly, they might have been able to witness the most lopsided match in history."

"Thanks for the recap Cyran, and now before we catch syphillis from prolonged exposure to this fanfic, lets take you live to our main event! UPF versus GSDA! NEXT!"

"Princes of the Universe" by Queen begins playing obnoxiously loud as the Fans cheer. DALTON and STRAVO, along with their ringside manager ZAIA walk out into the ring.

The two men acknowledge the crowd, with Stravo tossing about 973 more chapters of Star Crossed at the fans but still no ending in sight. Dalton rubs his chest, causing several young ladies and one guy in the front to swoon. Stravo, wrapped in a Feather Boa and Ric Flair tights, starts doing a pose in the middle of the ring as Zaia looks on at the crowd disinterested in everything around her. Their showboating is interrupted as the lights dim.

The darkness is shattered with a blinding orgasm of pyrotechnics and laser lights as the UPF Theme begins. Shep and Fanboy, flanked by their manager Falkenhorst come out to the ring as a group, the deafening cheers of the crowds grow even louder as Fanboy begins handing out small sheets of LSD to onlooking fans. Falkenhorst, covered in lipstick from the two cheap whores he had been poudning in the back area, begins handing out dollar bills that have "Spend me Fuckface!" written on them in permamnent black marker.

UPF...FUCK YEAH

FELONIES...FUCK YEAH

HARDCORE PORN...FUCK YEAH

OPIUM...FUCK YEAH

The GSDA team looks on and Zaia nonchalantly exits the ring, standing near a couple of security guards who are charged with keeping the nasty sweaty wrestling fans away from her. The lights return to normal and Stravo begins waving his Championship belt in the air, Dalton does the same but steps slowly out of the ring. Sheppard and Fanboy play a round of rock paper scissors, Fanboy wins with Scissors and gets to begin the match for his team.

"And we're underway as Fanboy and Stravo seem to be exchanging choice insults! If you're just tunign in this is Kuja along with my broadcast partner Cyran..."

"BROADCAST partner, that's the key term, if we were gay, we would have already been together a long time ago."

"...Well maybe if you would just acknowledge my feelings maybe it wouldn't take so long."

"What the fuck did you just say?" Cyran asked looking very very confused.

"Forget about it. And Fanboy opens the match by attempting to grapple but Stravo immediately goes for a boot to the gut, landing a swinging neckbreaker in quick succession. Stravo gets to his feet and he is countered by Fanboy who uses a leg sweep to knock Stravo off of his feet, Fanboy is the first back up to his feet and immediately he lands an elbow on Stravo's chin! Fanboy looks like he hasn't fully shaken of fthat neckbreaker though as he moves over to the corner to tag in Sheppard.

Sheppard runs into the ring and charges right at Stravo, kicking him right into his own corner. That could be a mistake htough as Stravo is easily able to tag in Dalton though. Dalton Enters the Ring but Shep isn't about to allow that as he charges forward with his shoulder, knocking the big man off the ring apron and to the floor! Dalton crashes into the steel railing! Shep is climbing out of the ring as Fanboy races around to the side to keep Dalton occupied and keep the fighting honest. Falkenhorst meanwhile is trying schmooze a couple of girls near the ring entrace and is completely oblivious to the action in the ring.

Sheppard now is looming over Dalton and..Oh! Zaia just came up from the side and booted SHeppard in the Shin, Shep turns and begins shouting at Zaia who is shouting back. Man that woman is gutsy! Sheppard raises his hand and...He isn't swinging! Turns out he is more of a pussycat than anyone would have thought and...OH MERCY! Dalton just ROB SMASHED Shep from behind with his insanely large fists. Shep has collapsed onto the canvas, just as Dalton was but a moment ago!"

"Women are the decievers Kuja, it would do you well to remember that."

"I'd watch out if I were you, rumor has it that the SOS Champ herself is somehwere in the arena tonight!"

*Cyran gulps* "You mean..MA...MA...Marina is here?"

"That's right! The Duchess of Zeon and reigning champion in the SDNWF Women's division is observing the events from an undsiclosed location in the building."

*Cyran stutters* "HA HA AH OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THERE HASN'T BEEN A WOMAN PRESIDENT YET BOY I WOULD SURE VOTE FOR HILARY CLINTON HA HA HA HA! HOW ABOUT THAT WNBA EH? OH I TELL YOU I SURE THINK THAT THE GLASS CIELING IS TOTALLY LAME....*a wooshing sound through the air*...HURRRRRK!"

Kuja looks over at Cyran as DALTON continues to pummel the fuck out of Sheppard, tossing him back in the ring and dragging him towards the corner where he and Stravo beat on him mercilessly as the official holds Fanboy back from assisting. A large dart is evident in Cyran's neck as a pair of women wearing fatigues drag Cyran's body off.

"Looks like Cyran is going to wake up tomorrow without one or more of the parts essential for reproduction, the brutalization of Sheppard continues as Stravo grabs Sheppard by the head going for the Starcrossed DDT and, Sheppard counters! Sheppard Counters by kneeing Stravo in the crotch, turning to Dalton and waylaying him with a freakishly lucky punch. Sheppard should be headed for the other corner of the ring to tag but instead he's, HE'S CLIMBING THE ROPES! SHEPPARD IS AT THE TOP TURNBUCKLE AND...IT'S THE NUKEY NUKEY BODY SPLASH! He landed it on Dalton square but nearly knocked himself out in the process also. Dalton and Sheppard are out cold as Fanboy desperately reaches out trying to encourage his teammate to tag him in! Falkenhorst is handing out business cards to the two women, most likely trying to entice them into another one of his smut films!

Stravo is back up now and Sheppard is halfway across the ring, Stravo, who is currently the legal man in the ring, is in hot pursuit but Sheppard reaches out, and just as Stravo is about to drag Shep back HE MAKES THE TAG! Fanboy jumps into the ring, Stravo is in shock, still reeling from the crotch kick by Sheppard! Fanboy runs back, bounces off the ropes and LANDS A spinning leg kick! But as Stravo falls backwards he managed to tag in Dalton. Dalton and Fanboy are now fighting toe to toe and exchanging punches, but wait. Stravo is on his cellular phone making a call! What in the hell could be going on? Dalton uses the ROB SMASH again and Fanboy buckles under the pressure, managing to break free though of a quick grapple. Dalton and Fanboy exchange glares as Fanboy attempts to evade him and tag in the recovered Sheppard but...SHEPPARD IS DRAGGED OFF THE RING APRON!

ITS THE MODERATORS! Dalton and Stravo's stable teammates have grabbed Sheppard and are draggining him up the Arena entrace and... OH MY GOD ITS THE BANWAGON! The large black GMC Van of No Return! Now it's a handicap match and as much of a professional as Fanboy is, there's no way he is going to be able to take down both Stravo and Dalton on his own! Its taking the effort of about thirty five moderators to contain the nuclear nightmare but they have managed to toss him into the back of the BANWAGON.

Fanboy and Dalton trade punches in the ring, Fanboy Just misses a right hand and Dalton tags in the rejuvenated Stravo, who immediately uses a double axehandle to knock Fanboy to the ground. Stravo then snares Fanboy by the legs, OH MY GOD! ITS THE GSDA DEATHLOCK! NO ONE HAS EVER BROKEN STRAVO'S GSDA DEATHLOCK! Fanboy struggles to reach the ropes but he is just out of reach! Falkenhorst has only just now quit mingling with those two girls and, wait a minute, the two girls are motioning to Dalton, OH MY GOD THEY JUST FLASHED HIM! Dalton is an unstoppable force in the ring but Falkenhorst has discovered his main weakness, BOOBIES! Dalton is temporarily stunned as Falkenhorst procures a large metal briefcase and bashes Dalton over the head with it! Dalton is out cold!

Stravo meanwhile is gloating and showboating in the ring, Fanboy reaches into his pocket and OH MY GOD HE JUST THREW POWDER IN STRAVOS EYES. The crowd is booing incredibly loud at the cheap shot! Fanboy winds up for a big punch and , OH MY GOD Stravo is looking right at Fanboy like a demon possessed! Fanboy is cursing wildly, I can;t read his lips exactly but he seems to be yelling 'My Coke! My Fucking Coke!' I don't know what soft drinks have to do with this, but Fanoby had better think fast because Stravo is doing laps around the ring at speeds usually reserved for Formula One racing cars. OOHH! But The overenergized Stravo is taken down as Fanboy kicks him square in the balls! I can only imagine how much that would hurt! Fanboy tries to capitalize and go for the pin but...ZAIA TRIPS HIM! Zaia trips Fanboy as he is going for the pin! Fanboy looks over and rushes out of the ring to confront Zaia!"

Ringside!

Fanboy: You fucking bitch!

Zaia: Oooh i'm so scared what are you gonna do about it big man! You gonna SPANK ME?"

Fanboy: I could never hit a woman...

Zaia: Pansy

Fanboy: BUT SHE CAN!

[/i]

"And what's this?!?! THe Duchess of Zeon has climbed out of the crowd and just knocked Zaia out with a clenched fist across the Jaw! Fanboy crawls back up into the ring where Stravo is recovering from the brutal shot to the nuts while Marina is walking over towards Falkenhorst, who opens the Metal briefcase he used to brain Dalton. ITS FULL OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS! My god, and i'm sure UPF didn't hold a fucking bake sale to raise that money either!

Fanboy and Stravo are now in a one on one match to win the titles for their respective teams, Stravo just getting to his feet and FANBOY HAS GRABBED A STEEL CHAIR! MY GOD! Falkenhorst is distracting the referee with Polaroids of naked women and Fanboy climbs into the ring and NAILS STRAVO RIGHT ON THE FOREHEAD WITH A STEEL CHAIR, OH MY GOD. Fanboy tosses the chair just outside of the ring as the referee turns around. Stravo is out cold and Fanboy is going for the pin ONE...TWO...TH...DALTON MAKES THE SAVE!!!!!

Dalton finally recovered and dragged Stravo over to the corner as Fanboy moves back to defend himself, slapping his unconscious partner's hand Dalton charges into the ring with every intent on murdering Darth Fanboy and destroying UPF for all time! But Falkenhorst has just thrown a piece of paper into the ring, Fanboy has snatched it up and Dalton is charging forward!

In the Ring

Dalton: I would have waited an eternity for this! It's over Fanboy!

Fanboy: "This story is for enjoyment purposes only - I was trying to write a dramatic and tense bit of fiction, not to depict what I think would actually happen if the USS Enterprise met the Star Wars Empire. In 'reality' (strange word to use in this context!), I think that the events here would go MUCH more in Starfleet's favour, but pushing that argument is emphatically NOT what this story is for."

Dalton: What are you doing...Is that?

Fanboy: "Captain's log, Stardate 51102.4. The Enterprise is proceeding with her second shakedown cruise after leaving Spacedock last month. So far we have had few problems, and it appears that we were successful in removing the Borg technology from the ship. Our visitor continues to offer valuable help on tweaking the tactical systems." Picard smiled at that; Worf was rarely happier than when he was practising firing weapons systems."

Dalton: OH GOD NO!!!!!!! DON'T DO IT!

THe Announcers desk

"Dalton seems to have completely stopped and he is clutching his ears and his side in pain, my god what is Fanboy doing to him he is...wait a second. OH NO HE'S READING FROM "PORTAL!" THE DIRTIEST MOVE IN THE BOOK! The referee is clutching his ears but Dalton was caught off guard! I can see blood trickling from his eyes and ears but he refuses to give up! Fanboy is still reading, his mind obviously numbed from excessive alcohol abuse! Several of the fans within earshot are having epileptic fits! My god this is barbaric! Dalton is keeling over from the pain and, YES HE'S TAPPING OUT! The referee is waving his hands wildly in the air to ring the bell! Its over! The Referee has actually pulled the paper from Fanboy's hands and is burning it with a lighter! A mixture of wild cheering and deafining boos are filling the arena! UPF ARE THE NEW CHAMPIONS OF FANFICTION! UPF WINS!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-


"Upf are the champs! Upf are the champs!" Fanboy was muttering incoherently in the lounge aboard the Asskicker, passed out after another long night of brain cell genocide.

"Fanboy, wake up you gutterfuck!" Falkenhorst was swearing, they had been following Fanboy's wild lead to the planet Coedicus III. Now the man who was supposed to guide the way was having awful sounding nightmares, probably as a result of hiding his stash in the ship's warp core. "Listen goddamnit, we're going to be coming out of warp in less than an hour and you better have your shit together by then or else!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

*cue Star Wars scrolling*

WAR! Well at least, there would be if anyone knew whom to declare it on. After the theft of the iconic Zeon butter cow the Principality of Zeon has been put on high alert in search of their holiest artifact. Across their borders, the Federation of planets has been dealing with weekly assasinations and mishaps, destabilizing the government and eroding the public faith in their "big brother". As the aggression of nations rises so does the tension amongst the numerous underground factions. Drug dealers, smut peddlers, hidden militias, and attorneys are all finding themselves caught up in a swirling nexus of chaos, threatening to engulf the galaxy.

[Somewhere on the Edge of Space...]

The space around asteroid J20767 had been free of traffic for over a hundred years since the last stellar cartographer and been present, making this the perfect place for the Conclave of Gnomes. Ever since the apparent demise of the Liege Maxignome, Darth Garden Gnome, the entire species had become scattered and the leadership remained in a vaccuum. The Conclave had been arranged by the various factions with the intention of crowning a new leader, however this was merely a pleasant way of saying that each faction was ready to vie for dominance over the others. Several powerful factions of gnomes had arisen, none more powerful and influential than the Zionist Faction of Ace Pace, who promised to lead the entire gnomish race to the promised land of Gnomania. Gnomania was the legnedary homeworld of all Gnome and near-gnome species, including dwarves, Hobbitts, circus midgets, and Corsicans.

Ace had a two pronged strategy for his ascenscion to Leige Maxignome, first and foremost he enticed the population at large by promising them a new homeland, where no longer would they be used as disposable soldiers for an Empire of Sin, secondly he brought leaders of various factions into his camp by promising them key positions in his new government. The Zionist faction leadership was confident that after the Conclave, Ace Pace would be crowned leader of the gnomes. Of course there would be many high profile attempts to discover the lost homeland but they would all be halfhearted, funds instead would be diverted to the Gnomish military and they would eventually turn to the task of carving out a new homeland from the territories of the Federation and the Principality that had forced them into their current predicament.

The day had finally come, when every Gnome of distinction had boarded the battlecruiser Sistine Avenger, as a race of nomads the Gnomes no longer had a building to conduct their ceremony in. The white flares had signaled the rest of the assembled fleet once the decision had been made and despite the worst fears of many less conservative observers, Ace Pace had been selected to be the Liege Maxignome. The first time any gnome other than Darth Garden Gnome had been the leader in some time. A broadcast from the Sistine Avenger was prepared from the conference room. "My fellow Gnomes, it is with great elations and a heavy heart that I take the mantle of leadership for our people! Though diminuitive in size our spirit is as boundless as space itself! Upon returning to our promised land we will be as numerous as the stars! My fellow gnomes I ask that...."

Suddenly communications traffic across the fleet scrambled as sn explosion shook the Sistine Avenger. As the rest of the fleet anxiously repositioned itself and awaited a response a terrible drama began to unfold. Ace Pace, knocked to the ground had finally managed to stand himself up, pushing the podium from his path he stormed out of the room along with several guards from his entourage. "Take me to the bridge now, we must dsicover the meaning of this at once." But Ace got the answer much sooner than he had bargained for, and he definitely did not like it.

"YOU FOOL! DID YOU THINK THAT ANYONE ELSE COULD LEAD MY GNOMES!" Only one being was capable of speaking in that voice, only one being ever reffered to the Gnomes as his own posession." As Ace turned around the enormous, hideous, slime dripping and razor bearded bulk of Darth Garden Gnome filled the availiable space. Tendrils began spewing forth from his mass, creating a web throughout the corridor and pinning Ace Pace in Place. "My lord! But we all thought that you had..." Ace tried to stammer out an apology, but no apology could stop the events set into motion. "YOU THOUGHT THAT I HAD DIED? THEN YOU ARE AS STUPID AS YOU ARE IGNORANT. MERE BULLETS CANNOT KILL ME! NOW YOU AND THE OTHER FACTION LEADERS WILL PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR LACK OF FAITH IN MY SURVIVAL!"

[Flashback!(tm)]

There had been no time to react when the human woman burst in through the skylight spraying bullets at everything around her. In a meeting that was to have established the Gnomes as the undisputed heads of black market pornography in all of known space, Darth Garden Gnome had underestimated the amount of negative attention from unkown enemies. He had prepared for the Federation, and Riker's team had be detained with ease, but the commando raid by the Zeon Agent and the havoc caused by that masked Mercenary had ruined his reputation. But revenge would come in time. More importantly, survival was at stake.

As he detatched his consciousness from his body to begin the gestation of his new body he watched the bullets shred his old form, many of them hitting vial organs. Truly if he had not responded in time he would have been dead for sure. However he was no ordinary gnome and not bound by the flesh. His mind was so twisted and evil that he was able to detatch his mind from his body, he would then use his unique powers as a Gnome Birther to create a new body for himself and implant his sconsciousness inside the new body. Darth Garden Gnome had eaten all of the other Gnome Birthers hundreds of years ago, establishing himself as the sole birther and the only method for his species viable reproduction, making him the de facto ruler.

He had rushed creation of the new body, causing it to be small and weak. To make matters worse it still needed to gestate in order to properly develop. Darth Garden Gnome had no intention of letting himself die as a small mass of barely sentient flesh. Thinking quickly, he used the last of his telekinetic powers to summon a gnome soldier nearby to him. AS his former body died a new figure entered the picture. A red haired demon who called himself, The Einhander. Einhander had chased off almost everyone on the station except for the few surviving gnomes, whom he was hunting down and brutally skullfucking. The summoned gnome soldier was impaled on the beasts cock and that is when Darth Garden Gnome took the opportunity and slithered up the beasts leg and through his asshole. Now he could bide his time until he was developed enough. In this gnome larval stage he was an invertebrate capable of parasitic feeding. Covering himself in a mucous layer, he was protected frim the Einhanders digestive fliuds as he rested deep in his belly.

It had taken many weeks but the body of Darth Garden Gnome grew well ahead of schedule, feeding off of the genetic alterations Einhander had been given by GALE Industries, The Gnome Birther had accelerated through his larval stage in record time, as well as the polyp and ephyra stages. Now he was ready for his final metamorphosis, which would begin the transformation into a fully grown Gnome Birther. He made his escape, through the same cavity that he entered. As Einhander took a mighty dump, Darth Garden Gnome found himself floating in a toilet bowl at some location he did not immediately recognize. After he was flushed, his new form began to congeal and grow in the hot steamy sewage. His final form would be far more powerful than his previous body, and all he needed now was a way to seek out his people, who had left him for dead.

Spewing forth a burst of acidic vomit, Darth Garden Gnome melted a new path through the sewage recycling system and found that he was on a space station, the GLSS Objective Interim. Although he was now in his sentient adult stage he had not amassed a large bulk and could still roam undetected. He scoured the netire station, searching for a way off. An opportunity arose when he crawled into an armory, after crawling along the floor he spotted a large torpedo shaped object. Upon closer inspection he found the designation "Gnome Seeking Missle" stenciled on the side and he knew he had his vehicle. He crawled into the missle and activated the firing sequence, the missle burst from the station almost comically wrecking things in its path. The missile shot out into space from the HAB Weapons Complex, and began streaking towards the Conclave of Gnomes. While biding his time in the missle, Darth Garden Gnome's rage began to grow, and with it, his size...

[The Present]

Ace began to scream as one by one the web tightened around him, his guards died first, the four small but powerful gnomes crushed into a pasted by the web as it closed around them, Ace could feel the sharp splinted bones stabbing into his sides as he became enveloped in his claustrophobic prison. "Master! Please spare me! I beg of you!" Ace could no longer see at this point, as his eyes were now covered as a tendril wrapped around his head, the slime mixed in with the tears running down his cheek. "I THINK NOT ACE PACE! FOR TOO LONG YOUR ZIONIST MOVEMENT IMPEDED MY AGENDA AND NOW I WILL CUT OFF ITS HEAD! NO ONE SHALL OPPPOSE DARTH GARDEN GNOME BWAHAHAHAH!" Ace felt a sightness in his abdomen and his shoulders, tendrils were now pulling his arms free from their sockets and it wasn't long before the stubby gnome arms were torn, another tendril squeezed Aces belly so hard that vital organs now began to ooze from the shoulders. Ace's screaming was finally muffled when a chunk of his intestinal tract became wedged in his throat, and his death spasms ceased shortly afterwards.

In order to keep the remaining hardcore Zionist Gnomes in line Darth Garden Gnome was forced to grow a new Ace Pace the same as he had grown the old one. As he had done millions of times with his previous body he began forcing the necessary genetic and fecal material into his birthing cavity, then with great force he pushed the fetal gnome from his bunghole and it slid into the world covered in a thick viscous fluid. Ace Pace had been reborn as Ace Pace II, but it would take time for him to become as rebellious as his previous incarnation and Darth Garden Gnome would use that time wisely. Then The Dark Gnome began implementing his most diabolical shceme yet. A scheme that would establish Gnome Dominance over all sentient beings. Before the death of his last body, Darth Garden Gnome had personally supervised the interrogation of Starfleet Lieutenant Anderson, a member of Riker's away team, during this interrogation a mind-scan revealed some of the details regarding the Borg's plot to take over Earth using time travel. The Gnomish Lord smiled as the foundations of a great plan formed in his mind...

~THE END of everything you hold dear, bwahahahah!~

With Sheppard's banning and Falkenhorst's negligence I am now in complete control of UPF. MWHAHAHAHAHAH!

[Tiger Ace]

of everything you hold dear, bwahahahah!~

This chapter is great! One of the all time best plot peices.

[Singular Quartet]

People died, and the peasents rejoiced

YAY, BITCH!

Now give us more.

[Admiral Drason]

I had a feeling that we hadn't seen the last of Darth Garden Gnome

Great work Fanboy.

[Zaia]

This is such bullshit. Marina would never punch me.

[Darth Fanboy]

This is such bullshit. Marina would never punch me.

Well it was all a dream sequence concocted in the mind of the Fanboy character. Another Deus Ex MAchina broughnt to you by UPF Industries.

PLOT DEVICE...FUCK YEAH!

DEUS EX...FUCK YEAH!

CONTINUITY...FUCK NO!

UPF...FUCK YEAH!

[Ford Prefect]

Ah, good. It was about time we finally got back to the good old UPF of old.

[Dakarne]

Good...
Insane, funny, and most of all... you killed Wesley Crusher!

I can now easily picture you shoving me in there by name as someone who just won't stop talking... which sort of fits...

Just make sure to spell my name right!

[Tiger Ace]

No, you just made sure they WON'T spell it correctly.

They'll shove you in as a random red shirt

[Dakarne]

No, you just made sure they WON'T spell it correctly.

Sort of deliberate action on my part there...

They'll shove you in as a random red shirt

Hmm... I'm now wondering how I die...

I could always kill myself off in a fic... by real name rather than screen name.

[Darth Fanboy]

Whatever Falk and Shep do with their chapters is up to them, but I can assure you Im not even going to bother using a fucking twit like you in any of my chapters, because you have absolutely no value even as fodder.

Thanks for reading UPF!

Addendum for our fans:

Press Release by UPF Industries Regarding Shep, Time Travel, and possibly deformed genitals.

Despite the month long absence of Shep I can assure you that were are still working on content. Also, a little known fact, Sheppard was banned from SDN for using Steroids he scammed from Rafael Palmiero.

If you haven't guessed yet we are about to begin what could be the greatest chapter yet, the OBLIGATORY SCI-FI TIME TRAVEL CHAPTER. We're promising a return of "back to basics" which should include some extreme violence inspired by graphic video games, as well as UPF HOT COFFEE, of course since we never locked our sexual content to begin with I guess you don't need it. But there's only two words I need to hook all of you on another thrilling edition: Gnome Massacre.

Oh, and i'm toying with the idea of holding a UPF Fanfic Contest. Fanfiction about Fanfiction! Basically writing a fucked up fic set in the UPFverse. But I don't have any prizes as of yet, I need to work out details and talk to the rest of the UPF Crew, and also generate some interest.

EXSMELLSIOR!

[Dakarne]

Whatever Falk and Shep do with their chapters is up to them, but I can assure you Im not even going to bother using a fucking twit like you in any of my chapters, because you have absolutely no value even as fodder.

I feel so liked... [/sarcasm] If you've got anything more creative than that, I'd like to know.

Thanks for reading UPF!

You're welcome, arsehole!

That's some funny shit.

[Singular Quartet]

Oh, and i'm toying with the idea of holding a UPF Fanfic Contest. Fanfiction about Fanfiction! Basically writing a fucked up fic set in the UPFverse. But I don't have any prizes as of yet, I need to work out details and talk to the rest of the UPF Crew, and also generate some interest.

Oooooo... I like this idea.

[Dakarne]

Oh, and i'm toying with the idea of holding a UPF Fanfic Contest. Fanfiction about Fanfiction! Basically writing a fucked up fic set in the UPFverse. But I don't have any prizes as of yet, I need to work out details and talk to the rest of the UPF Crew, and also generate some interest.

Someone needs to fuck up the SW main cast, or do an all British Starship, similar to the all Aussie Starship... but replacing beer with tea (sips own cup of said drink)... and making them as stereotyped as humanly possible.

[Ford Prefect]

Oh, and i'm toying with the idea of holding a UPF Fanfic Contest. Fanfiction about Fanfiction! Basically writing a fucked up fic set in the UPFverse. But I don't have any prizes as of yet, I need to work out details and talk to the rest of the UPF Crew, and also generate some interest.

Oooooo... I like this idea.

I concur. It's sheer brilliance, and it also means that we get our names in lights (I mean, who doesn't read this?).

[Glocksman]

I read this for the first time this week, and I must say that I'm disappointed that none of you thought of having Q force Janeway to have his baby while making 'Jean-Luc' both his and Janeway's bitch boy in a French Maid's uniform.

[Perseid]

I read this for the first time this week, and I must say that I'm disappointed that none of you thought of having Q force Janeway to have his baby while making 'Jean-Luc' both his and Janeway's bitch boy in a French Maid's uniform.

Given that the up coming chapter is a time travel one, theres a distinct possibility of this happening *shudders*, but I suppose it depends on how twisted our esteemed, not to mention slightly disturbing, author(s).

Nice chapter Fanboy looking forward to Gnome Slaughter [mr burns] Excellent [/mr burns]

[Darth Fanboy]

I read this for the first time this week, and I must say that I'm disappointed that none of you thought of having Q force Janeway to have his baby while making 'Jean-Luc' both his and Janeway's bitch boy in a French Maid's uniform.

Oh come on now, wouldn't it more interesting to have Q turn Picard into Janeway and make love to the tracheotomy hole with an unhealthy amount of Klingon Targ Lard as a lubricant whilst simultaneously having his prostate massaged by a sentient yet perverse tribble?

[Darth Fanboy]

Someone needs to fuck up the SW main cast, or do an all British Starship, similar to the all Aussie Starship... but replacing beer with tea (sips own cup of said drink)... and making them as stereotyped as humanly possible.

Yeah, because rehashing previously used plotlines worked so well for Voyager.

EDIT:

WE now officially have more replies and views than "Fast Times" thus furthering our case for UPF Stickyfication.

[Dakarne]

There's a massive difference between brits and aussies...

The only similarity at this point being the frequent use of "bloody"

[Zaia]

WE now officially have more replies and views than "Fast Times" thus furthering our case for UPF Stickyfication.

Hey, like I said before, I completely support the stickyfication of this thread, as well as many other things.

[Darth Fanboy]

WE now officially have more replies and views than "Fast Times" thus furthering our case for UPF Stickyfication.

Hey, like I said before, I completely support the stickyfication of this thread, as well as many other things.

*WARNING, JOKE OF UTTER WRONGNESS TO COMMENCE IN 5..4..3..2..1*

Yea Zaia supports Stickyfication.....IN MY PANTS!.

*WARNING, EMASCULATION OF FANFIC AUTHOR TO COMMENCE IN 5..4..3..2..1..*

[Dakarne]

Don't hurt the author... he won't be able to write anymore!