Signs that you're a computer newbie

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

72: When it says to insert a CD, you go to the bank.
73: You turn the volume down so you won't hear that annoying buzzing sound.
74: When you want to visit a website, you put [name of subject].com into a search engine (My brother actually did that once)
75: You don't backup your files because you think it's as bad as your toilet backing up.
76: When you feel happy, you gleefully press random buttons, not knowing what's going to happen.

[Hyperion]

#77: you put the CD on the record player thinking it's a new type of record. (my dad did this)

#78: you hear about cookies making some sites on the internet work, so you "feed" the computer a cookie thru the floppy drive and wonder why it's not working anymore... (had to fix one with this "problem")

#79: you call techsupport to find out how to make the "tv" come on... (dealt with one of these too, cussed the person out for the stupidity, the person thought that pushing buttons would cost her money if the comp broke. this was a state computer, yeah, those cost money, right, you break it, they buy a new one stupid...)

#80: you think SCSI (scuzzy) is something bad in your computer.

#81: you call tech support because your "motorized cup-holder" isn't working anymore. (yes, it was done earlier, but it still deserves a mention as i've had to deal with this one a couple of times. and i also put a dead CD-rom in my comp just for that use actually )

[Temjin]

82) You think system maintenance is just washing the outside of your case.

83) You wonder why people talk about coffee so much. (JAVA)

84) You think it's a good thing Microsoft has a monopoly

85) When you overhear a person talking about Linux, you ask if it can run on Windows 98.

[haas mark]

86) You hear the term cybersex and think, "so THAT'S what all thjose things are for...."

87) You hear the term chatroom and wonder if you can add one to your house.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

88: You decide to get an Internet filter
89: You think that pressing several keys at the same time will blow up the computer
90: You use the back of the monitor to heat pastries
91: That's the only thing you use the computer for
92: You think if you don't save your files, they will die
93: You try to create a masterpiece of art with MS Paint
94: You think Amazon.com is a tourism guide for South America
95: You think that the manual is a poorly translated Spanish novel, so you don't use it, causing you to call tech support for some idiotic question.

[jegs2]

you forgot a joke about the 'any' key! But the list was still worth a chuckle..

Like your new avatar, Next. Was a Fat Albert fan as a kid.

[haas mark]

96) You don't think that question is idiotic, and therefore get upset when the techie doesn't care
97) You can't figure out the tech support number from the manual

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

98) Your computer smokes, you ask the techie why your computer is smoking, he says run NOSMOKE.EXE to fix the problem, and you spend two hours searching for it.

[haas mark]

98) Your computer smokes, you ask the techie why your computer is smoking, he says run NOSMOKE.EXE to fix the problem, and you spend two hours searching for it.

99) Once you find it, you spend another two hours looking for a leash
100) Once said leash is found, you spend another two hours trying to figure out how to attach it.

[Temjin]

101) You try to make your computer explode by using logic. (Star Trek anyone?)

102) You think pop-ups on the internet is the sam as Pop-Up Video and you can't figure out why people hate them so much.

103) When you want to replace your desktop wall paper you go to the Home Depot.

104) You throw out your computer because whenever you leave it for a few minutes the screen turns black. (Screen-Saver)

105) You can't figure out why your computer won't do your homework for you.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

106: You throw the computer out the window in frustration, when it was unplugged
107: You try using one of those plastic display computers in some stores
108: When your computer gets a virus, you think faith healing might work
109: When you are told to plug in the keyboard, you look for a cord on a piano
110: You don't use spacing, and wonder what that big blank bar in the center is for

[haas mark]

I might discount that last one, for typewriter users.

[Ted]

I might discount that last one, for typewriter users.

Typewriters have a space bar...

[haas mark]

I might discount that last one, for typewriter users.

Typewriters have a space bar...

Exactly my point. That's why the last one should be discounted.

[Hyperion]

90: You use the back of the monitor to heat pastries

ROFLOL! been there done that... great for heating up burritos as well, and keeping slices of pizza warm at a lanparty...

same goes for jacking a TEC cooler unit into the power supply output to run a sodacan cooler or coffee heater.

btw, i've done both, i'll post pics of the box later.

[Temjin]

I might discount that last one, for typewriter users.

Typewriters have a space bar...

Exactly my point. That's why the last one should be discounted.

I say let him keep it. I first used a computer before I ever used a typewriter. Besides, hardly anybody uses typewriters anymore.

111) You thought the world would end in the year 2000.

112) Before installing each piece of software, you carefully read the E.U.L.A.


On an unrelated note: Yay, I finally made Youngling. It just took me a few months.....

[data_link]

112) Before installing each piece of software, you carefully read the E.U.L.A.

Hey, I do that. It's always fun to gauge how screwed up their lawyers are.

113) You don't know what l337 speak is.
114) You don't know whether your computer has to be plugged in to work.
115) Same as above, and you do not own a laptop.

[Yogi]

The mother of all Stupid Computer Stories

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

[CmdrWilkens]

116) When at a friend's computer you are frustrated that the "Home" key won't magically transport you back.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

117: When you try hacking a computer, you get an axe out
118: You end up getting your genitals hacked off in a computer-related incident
119: When you type a letter, and it shows up on the screen, you're amazed
120: You tihnk you need a key to "start up" the computer
121: You tihnk you need a different key for a search engine
122: When you get a 404 error, you look for the 403 preceding errors

[Hyperion]

A lady's power supply was smoking, so she rang tech support and asked, "Is there a fire in the file server room? Because it's smoking at my end."

ROFLOL!

[Hyperion]

At college we had a lesson in which we set up problems for each other to diagnose and fix. For example, we'd not put the RAM in properly, plug IDE leads the wrong way, etc. Some clever person thought that it would be a good idea to switch the voltage on the PSU. The person "fixing" the PC plugged it in, turned it on, and BANG!

been there done that, a guy in the electronics class had been wondering for a year what would happen to the comp if he switched the little red power switch from 110 to 220. well, i too had been curious and didn't know what would happen, so i didn't stop him... the class got a new comp...

[Hyperion]

I once went on site to fix a problem a customer had. Nothing would come up. I asked if he cycled the power, and he said he did. I asked him to show me exactly what he had done. He turned the monitor off and on again.

I reached down under the desk, hit the reset button, and everything was fine. He asked what the problem was. I said, "Don't worry about it sir, it's an eye-dee-ten-tee error -- takes too long to explain -- have a nice day."

Write down 'I,' 'D', '10', and 'T' together, and you'll see what I meant.

i actually did this to my boss one time, got away with it too... but it wasn't in regards to a comp. he had aquired yet another lawsuit and was bitching about having no way out of it, so i told him "go down to the department of licensing and fill out an 'I D 10 T form', it'll make your business immune to lawsuits for a little while."

he went down to the department of licensing, came back about 3 hours later redfaced and told me this: "i really should can you for that, but i needed a laugh. just don't do it again."

[Hyperion]

[quote]I have a Mac friend that convinced the other IBM people at his company that when the token ring network went down, it was due to someone removing the cable and the token falling out. He actually had businessmen on the floor looking for it. I think he eventually stated he found it himself to avoid getting lynched.[quote]


a true classic, also works great with some of the dimmer bulbs in a cisco networking class... (do i really need to say more about where 5 hours of classtime went?)

[Hyperion]

My friend was quite good with computers. His brother was not. His brother's biggest problem was double clicking. He could never seem to do it fast enough and would often get very frustrated in his attempts. One day, while his brother was away, my friend took a snapshot of his brother's screen, set it as the wallpaper, and cleared the desktop of all icons. You can't even begin to imagine how frustrated his brother grew trying and failing for hours to click on the "icons" in the wallpaper.

did this to the prof in the computer hardware class... as well as to numerous workstations in various classes over the next 2 years of computer classes at college... it never does stop working... same goes for changing everything to black on black, i'm one of the few saps out there who knows how to change pretty much any setting under windows by feel and timing.