Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy

[Singular Quartet]

Damn...

*takes away "Beatings will continue until more chapters are complete" sign*

[Glocksman]

I read this for the first time this week, and I must say that I'm disappointed that none of you thought of having Q force Janeway to have his baby while making 'Jean-Luc' both his and Janeway's bitch boy in a French Maid's uniform.

Oh come on now, wouldn't it more interesting to have Q turn Picard into Janeway and make love to the tracheotomy hole with an unhealthy amount of Klingon Targ Lard as a lubricant whilst simultaneously having his prostate massaged by a sentient yet perverse tribble?

Yeah, but wouldn't that keep her from screaming 'More, More' in that incredibly sexy 2 pack a day voice she has?

[Darth Fanboy]

Yeah, but wouldn't that keep her from screaming 'More, More' in that incredibly sexy 2 pack a day voice she has?

No, it would be a pretty wet mucousy sounding "More More" with the sound of hot wet stabbing interrupting it. Sort of like how Leia sounded in her Bousch(sp?) costume in RoTJ

[Perseid]

I'm getting very worried about peoples obcessions with Janeway having sex, it's one of the most disturbing things in this fanfic

[Darth Fanboy]

FAMOUS UPF AUTHOR ARRESTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY

[The Hague] Famed UPF Author and renowned politically incorrect (depending on whose politics) gun enthusiast Sheppard was arrested for crimes against humanity stemming from his co-founding of the Unnamed Porno Fanfic.

Sheppard, who refused to comment on his incarceration, was abducted by UN Blue helmeted soldiers during a promotional visit to Amsterdam. Sheppard was convicted in absentia for several counts of human rights violations for his treatment of Gnomes (citizens of Liechtenstein) on the set of UPF earlier this month but was never extradited due to UPF's massive contributions to the Republican Party. (The recent crackdowns on immorality have made quality 'smut N snuff' such as UPF hard to come by. An outright banning of porn would increase the value by nearly 300%).

Although Sheppard is widely reviled he does have his supporters, several demonstrators flocked to the Hague courthouse to protest the UN's actions, but few people are paying any attention to them.



In other news, Ron Mexico was sighted in Amsterdam, thus increasing the number of Ron Mexico sightings this year to 14.

[Perseid]

You really are in an update frenzy at the moment FanBoy. However I was expecting another chapter of the glorious fic that is UPF *cough*stickyupf*cough*

Of course my excuse for so many posts today is i'm bored, which is difficult to do when on holiday, but when your waiting for your better half to pick you up it's amazing what you find the time to do.

[Darth Fanboy]

You really are in an update frenzy at the moment FanBoy. However I was expecting another chapter of the glorious fic that is UPF *cough*stickyupf*cough*

Of course my excuse for so many posts today is i'm bored, which is difficult to do when on holiday, but when your waiting for your better half to pick you up it's amazing what you find the time to do.

That isn't an update, but I do lots of little thing like this so that when we do go a few months between chapters it doesnt seem so bad.

[Dakarne]

That isn't an update, but I do lots of little thing like this so that when we do go a few months between chapters it doesnt seem so bad.

The Itty-Bitty-Minor-Stopgap-whatever thing was funny anyway...

I look forward to the next installment of UPF...

[Glocksman]

You are of course aware that Shep will either laugh his ass off at the photoshopped 'Free Mumia' sign or be furious at you for associating him, however indirectly, with those morons.

[Perseid]

You are of course aware that Shep will either laugh his ass off at the photoshopped 'Free Mumia' sign or be furious at you for associating him, however indirectly, with those morons.

Given Shep's track record so far I would say it'll be a bit of both. He'll probably laugh at what's been done, and then get pissed off because of being associated with them, which sounds kinda entertaining.

Hmm is it possible to laugh whilst being furious or is that impossible?

[Dakarne]

Hmm is it possible to laugh whilst being furious or is that impossible?

Theoretically: Impossible
Practicallly: I've done it.

Other than that:

Will someone please sticky this thread.

[Darth Fanboy]

So that the VI's post isn't the most recent, and as a treat, we have more UPF ART!



come up with a better caption and win a spot in an upcoming chapter of UPF!

[consequences]

"It's a puscilascious display of exciteastic boxitude, magnoramously beating all other fics?"

[Dakarne]

Threatening Statement: You WILL like the UPF, won't you? Meatbag.

[Ford Prefect]

My name is Vin Diesel and I approve of this fanfic - Vin Diesel

[Darth Fanboy]

"It's a puscilascious display of exciteastic boxitude, magnoramously beating all other fics?"

Ooooooooooo.... that's pretty good! Where'd you learn to speak Don King?

[consequences]

"It's a puscilascious display of exciteastic boxitude, magnoramously beating all other fics?"

Ooooooooooo.... that's pretty good! Where'd you learn to speak Don King?

Harry Potter parody play.
'"Hello there, I'm-"

"A libel suit waiting to happen?"

"Doesn't this come under parody?"

"Only if its funny."

"Well in that case, I'm Don King...sonjunsinjonsingjonson"'

[Darth Fanboy]

I declare consequences the winner then. Magnifistencical!

THis however is not his appearance, merely another dramatic tidbit to keep you all addicted. Like any good crack dealer, the makers of UPF know that we need to keep our audiences HOOKED.

UPF THEATRE PRESENTS: A Colon's Tragedy

"Sir I have some bad news." said the doctor, who was looking at his clipboard with a worrisome look on his face. One of the nurses then walked over and peeked at the patient's chart, violenty spewing her partly digested breakfast of bacon and egg tacos across the hallway in a vain attempt to reach a restroom. She fell to the floor and clutched abdomen.

"What is it doc?" Asked the patient with a nervous tone, he had come in to get a particulalrly nasty hemmorhoid checked out and from the doctor's expression he was going to leave with the Ebola virus.

"I'm afraid its terrible news. You see, you have an acute case of Bowel Blockage Syndrome. A particularly nasty variant called Trek's disease." The doctor removed his glasses and placed a surgical mask over his face and replacing a pair of torn rubber gloves.

"I've heard of bowel blockage syndrome, but Trek BBS? What's that?" The patient asked nervously.

"It's probably the result of muscular desnsitizing. Tell me, do you spend an above average amount of time on the Internet each day?"

"That depends, how much would you consider above average?"

"Oh about twenty hours or so..."

"Oh I'm not on that much at all!"

"...per week."

"Damnit."

The Doctor was now wearing a full body hazard suit and the patient could see yellow tape being put up in the hallways behind him and he could have sworn he heard sirens in the distance.

"Prolonged exposure to Trek BBS leaves a human being desensitized to the extreme loads of shit produced within one's own colon. The Sphincter just shuts town and toxic levels of feces build up in the person's body. There is only two therapies availiable at this time."

"Give it to me straight doc, I can handle it."

"Well one treatment involves paralyzing the nerves in your butthole, and permanently leaving your bowels open. Its relatively painless."

"Hey that sounds good!"

"Unfortunately you will be forced to live your entire life from the toilet or wear diapers and shit your pants about eight or nine times a day."

"Ummm.... what's the other treatment?"

"Unfortunately Trek BBS desensitizes a person so much they cannot even feel the anal tightness associated with an impending dump. Approximately every morning, and additionally once at night for every large meal like a thanksgiving turkey, you will have to take an ice cream scoop, lube it up, shove it up your ass, and scoop out your rectum."

"Fuck that i'd rather shit my pants!"

"It's your decision, the colon-unlocking surgery will cost $80,000 but your health insurance won't cover it, because it is a new procedure."

"Fuck! How much does the Ice Cream Scoop thing cost?"

"About ten bucks for the scoop and another ten bucks for a bottle of cheap 'anesthesia' if you get my drift."

"Sounds about my price range, by the way doc is this stuff contagious?"

The doctor, now standing in the other room with the door locked while shouting through a megaphone responded. "Science is 99% sure that Trek BBS is only caused by direct exposure to the disease and cannot be transmitted by infected poeple, why?"

"Well I was just wondering if its not contagious why are you out there?"

"Because science is 1% unsure."


Two weeks later


The patient was squatting over his toilet seat, a shot of jet fuel that passed for vodka sitting by the sink. He winced as he inserted the nasty end of the scooper back up his asshole, feeling the stainless steel contours of the scoop as he winced in pain. Even though the Sphincter was densistized, the rest of his butthole wasn't. He removed the scoop and emptied its contents for the fourth time, hoping that the next one would be the last.

~Fin~

[Ace Pace]

sums it up.

For September 8th you need a jail breaking chapter

[darthdavid]

MY GOD, THE MENTAL IMAGE, IT BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNS.

[consequences]

Oh, I know that wasn't my appearance, because I'd rob a bank using the armored car I'd just jacked if I had too to make the fee. But funny.

And painful.

[Singular Quartet]

Now, that... that is frightening.

[frogcurry]

Theres a place in hell specially for people who create mental images like that, where they get their just desserts.

It's called the staff canteen. That's how evil you are.

[Zaia]

Lovely.

Now stop writing and get some sleep!

[Darth Fanboy]

Hey I did get SOME sleep, and that last post was on Wednesday.

However I managed to cobble THIS together this morning. With a little bit of help from Einhander!

UP THEATRE PRESENTS: A Reenactment of a Scene from THE LION KING as performed by the UPF PLAYERS.

Darth Fanboy as Simba
Zaia as Nala
MKSheppard and Falkenhorst as Timon and Pumbaa

**Start Song: "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" **

Sheppard:
I can see what's happening
(What?)
And they don't have a clue
(Who?)
They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line
Our trio's down to two.
(Oh.)

In a sarcastic mock-French accent
Ze sweet caress of twilight!
Back to normal, but still sarcastic
There's magic everywhere!
And with all this romantic atmosphere
Disaster's in the air

The scene passes from Timon and Pumbaa to Simba and Nala in front of a waterfall.

The Robert Oppenheimer Choir:
Can you feel the love tonight?
The peace the evening brings
The world, for once, in perfect harmony
With all its living things

After walking around each other, taking in each
other's movements, Fanboy and Zaia stop and begin downing a pitcher of beer.

Fanboy:
So many things to tell her (That rash...)
But how to make her see (my bedroom...)
The truth about my past? Impossible! (Twelve Felony Convictions...)
She'd turn away from me (After kicking me in the balls)

Zaia:
He's holding back, he's hiding (Typical pig)
But what, I can't decide (Small Dick?)
Why won't he be the king I know he is (How much have I had to drink?)
The king I see inside? (Perhaps i'll have another...)

During the Chorus the following occurs: Fanboylooks at Zaia, smiles, and runs off stage. He runs back on stage, grabs a shot of tequila and falls facefirst through a coffee table. Zaia looks out over the mess and shakes her head. Suddenly Fanboy lunges up under her and pulls down playfully. She immediately starts scratching and clawing and kicks him in the balls. When Fanboy stands back up to apologize, she kicks him in the nuts again. The scene switches to them tussling. They end up play fighting. After tumbling out a plate glass window and down a hill, Fanboy ends up pinning Zaia for a first. She leans in as if to kiss him, and the vomits a nights worth of booze onto him. Fanboy looks startled and stares at Zaia. Close-up of Zaia, who laughs her ass off. Close-up of Fanboy, whose expression changes from a surprised one to a one of disappointment.

The Robert Oppenheimer Choir:
Can you feel the love tonight?
The peace the evening brings
The world, for once, in perfect harmony
With all its living things

Can you feel the love tonight?
You needn't look too far
Stealing through the night's uncertainties
Love is where they are

Camera switches back to a tearful Timon and Pumbaa.

Sheppard:
And if he falls in love tonight
Falk sniffles
It can be assumed
Timon hugs Pumbaa, tearfully.

Falk:
His carefree days with us are history

Shep and Falk:
In short, our pal is doomed

They let loose crying full force. The UPF players enter on stage and Fanboy takes a bow, only to be beaten over the head by Sheppard weilding a metal pipe and Falkenhorst with a 2x4

"Hey are there any rusty nails sticking of of that thing Falk?" Zaia yelled. Falkenhorst nodded yes. "Gimmie that!" Zaia grabbed the 2x4 and slammed it over Fanboy's ass, spiking one of his butt cheeks with the rust nails and tearing the delicate flesh that formed his posterior. Sheppard grabbed the bottle of tequila used as a prop and took a swig.

"Jesus Christ I hope I get unbanned soon so I can take back control of this damn fic."