Jackass

[Sidewinder]

A Californian jackass rents some Japanese S & M DVDs. "Wow, geisha chicks are hot!" he says, watching a woman in a kimono moan as she's tied up. The jackass maxes out his credit card to fly to Japan, hoping to score with some "geisha chicks". Unable to speak Japanese, he's fortunate that the taxi driver understands English when he says, "Take me to where the chicks are at."

"Chickens?"

"Chicks. Babes. Women!" the jackass shouts in frustration at the taxi driver's ignorance of American slang.

The taxi driver takes him to a fancy bar. After paying off the driver, the jackass swaggers towards the bar like he owns the place, ignoring the angry stare of the bouncer at the door.

Inside, the jackass sees a yakuza sitting in a corner as prostitute kneels between his legs, performing fellatio.

"Baka!" The yakuza slaps the prostitute for not doing a good job.

"Cool!" The jackass swaggers up to the bartender. "How much for a BJ?"

The bartender is fluent in English, but not in American slang. "A what?"

"BJ. A blowjob. Head!"

The bartender points to a woman in a trench coat, who marches into the bar. "Ask her. She delivers heads."

The woman takes a seat and orders a double of vodka. The jackass swaggers to the woman's side, not noticing the yakuza throw hundred dollar bills at the prostitute before he runs out of the bar, as if the building was about to collapse on his head.

"How much for head?"

The woman empties her shot glass in one gulp. "Fifty to one-hundred thousand dollars per head, depending on whose you want."

"What?! That's highway robbery!" the jackass exclaims.

"I am the best. Your money will be well spent." The woman puts down the empty glass and grabs the second one.

"Listen, Princess,"-- the jackass reaches for the woman's shoulder-- "you better stop being such a snobby bitch, or I'll knock you off your throne and..."

The bartender opens his mouth to say, "Don't...!" He's too late.

The woman lets go of the glass and reaches into her coat to draw a katana, a Japanese long sword. She beheads the jackass, sheathes her katana, and catches the glass before it hits the table. Her arm moved too fast to see; it seemed like a ghost had removed the jackass' head.

The bartender watches the headless body fall off its stool, spraying blood all over the floor as heart continues pumping blood. "Akaden-sama," Miss Red Lightning, "please..."

"He wanted a head. He should've used the one he had." Blood had spilled into the woman's vodka. She ignores the taste as she empties the glass in one gulp, pays her bill, and leaves.

"Not again." The bartender picks up the phone and calls a professional to dispose of the body.

[Sidewinder]

Two Californian jackasses spend the weekend watching some slasher movies they rented. "Wow, psycho killers are so cool!" "It must be fun stalking a chick through a dark forest!" "Hey, I got an idea! Why don't we become psycho killers, kidnap some chicks, and release them in the woods so we can stalk them?" "Hey, that'll be awesome!"

The neighbor angrily knocks on the wall. "It's freaking midnight, and I'm trying to get some sleep! Quiet down next door, or I'm calling the cops!"

"Bitch." The jackasses turn down the volume and continue watching a movie.

The next day, the jackasses drive to town and return the movies. "You know where we can find some hot chicks?"

"The college is a good place to start," the video store clerk answers.

"Thanks, dude." The jackasses go to a hardware store to buy some rope. Jackass One buys a chainsaw to imitate his favorite psycho killer. Jackass Two buys work gloves, kitchen knives, and superglue, sticks the knives through the fingers of a glove, and glues the blades in place to form claws, like the one used by his favorite. Then the jackasses drive to the local college in search of chicks to kidnap.

Jackass One points at a student. "How about her?"

"No, her hair's too short for me to grab so I can pull her face towards me and scare her by waving my claws in front of her." Jackass Two waves his claws to demonstrate.

"Like Freddy?"

"Damn right."

"How about her?"

"No, her boobs are too small."

"Yeah. We need someone with big boobs who can scream good, like that chick in 'Halloween'."

Jackass One points at a teacher. "How about her?"

"No, she's too old. She looks like my mom."

"Dude, your mom ain't too old! She's hot, a mom I'd love to...!"

Jackass Two slashes One's shoulder.

"Ow! What you do that for?!" Jackass One demands, putting a hand over the cuts.

"Don't talk about my mom like that!"

"Bitch! I'll talk about her any way I wanna!" Jackass One grabs the chainsaw in the back seat. He tries to start the chainsaw motor. "Shit! Why won't this piece of shit start?!"

"You forgot to fill the gas tank, dumbass! That's why!"

Jackass One swings the chainsaw at Two's forehead, cutting the skin.

"Ah!" Jackass Two puts his glove over his forehead, and accidentally cuts his scalp. "Ah, shit!"

"You want some more of this, bitch?!" Jackass One swings back the chainsaw to attack again, but accidentally cracks the windshield. "Shit! My car!"

Students, alerted by the noise, look through the car window and see the jackasses covered in blood. "Ahhhh!" "Somebody call the cops!"

"Shit!" Jackass One steps on the gas.

"Where the fuck are we going?!"

"Home, that's where!"

Jackass Two throws the bloody glove out the window. "Fuck, I'm bleeding all over the place! We got to go to the hospital!"

Jackass One remembers the cuts on his shoulder. "Fuck, you're right!"

At the hospital, the jackasses tell the doctor they were attacked by a psycho killer. The doctor calls the police department, and a female detective interviews the jackasses as they lie in bed. "Dude, that cop is hot!" Jackass One whispers, staring at the detective's butt as she exits the room.

"Hey, you think she'll make a good victim?"

"Hey, you're right! Wait, I left my chainsaw in the car. What am I gonna use to threaten her?"

"I got an idea!" Jackass Two pulls the IV needle out of his veins. "Ow, ow, ow!" He holds the needle like a knife. "We can... uh... threaten to poke out her eyes!"

"Yeah!" Jackass One imitates Two. "Ow, ow, ow!" They sneak up to the door and open it.

The detective, who stands guard over the room, asks, "Where are you going?"

"Um, to the restroom."

"You better stay in your room for your own safety. I'll call a nurse." The detective turns away.

The jackasses close the door. "Shit, what are we gonna do?" "Let's grab her gun and kidnap her." "Good idea," they whisper. Each jackass takes off a sock, pokes eyeholes in it to make a mask, and pulls on the sock over his head. "Shit, this stinks!" "Yeah, I should've done the laundry last weekend." They burst through the door as the detective and a nurse approach, gossiping like old friends.

Both women draw .45 caliber (11.43 mm) pistols and target the jackasses. "Identify yourselves!"

The jackasses turn to each other. "What are we gonna do?" "Don't worry, they're chicks. They can't hit the broad side of a barn." "Yeah, that's right!"

"I'm an expert shot!" the detective, a former military policewoman (MP), protests.

"I practice every weekend at the local range! I can hit the bull's eye of a 50 meter target!" the nurse protests.

"You think they're bluffing?" "They're chicks! They got to be bluffing!" The jackasses face the detective and the nurse, waving the needles like weapons. "We're psycho killers! We're here to kill you!" They each take one step forwards.

"Freeze!" "Don't move!"

The jackasses ignore the women's warnings, and each takes another step forwards. Each is shot twice in the chest. "Ah!" 'This ain't as cool as it looks in the movies,' they think before the detective and the nurse each shoot a jackass in the head, killing them. Their dreams of being psycho killers end with the confused detective wondering what went on in their heads... assuming their heads had brains inside.

[Kuja]

I find these highly amusing.

[LordShaithis]

They're like Beavis and Butthead, with inverse character shields.

[Sidewinder]

They're like Beavis and Butthead, with inverse character shields.

Beavis and Butthead are Texans, like creator Mike Judge. These jackasses are Californian-- I lived there for over a decade, I know how stupid the people there can get.

[Sidewinder]

I find these highly amusing.

Thank you.

[Sidewinder]

This story mocks the culture responsible for the 'Rapeman' movies-- see http://www.geocities.com/hallofanubis/R/Rapeman.html for more info.

***

A Californian jackass rents 'Penetrator', a Japanese pornographic movie.

Onscreen, Penetrator, a man in a black leather mask and costume, grabs a blonde schoolgirl's wrist. "Your clothes and your demeanor mark you as a slut!" he says in English as he tears off the girl's clothes. "Accept divine judgment!"

"Awesome!" the jackass exclaims, watching the girl moan in masochistic pleasure as Penetrator violates her.

The next day, the jackass maxes out a credit card to buy a leather costume. "The land was once a pure paradise, but the sluts have tainted it!" he exclaims, echoing Penetrator as he steps out his apartment door. "I am the Sky God's sword! I will penetrate the sluts and deliver divine judgment to them!" A beer bottle hits the back of his head "Ow!"

"It's eleven p.m.!" The neighbor angrily shakes another bottle. "People are trying to sleep!"

The jackass runs to the stairs before his neighbor decides to throw the bottle. "Fuck, I can barely see through the eyeholes!" He trips and falls down the stairs. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" He gets up and limps down the rest of the way. "Time to hunt!" He creeps down the street, enters a convenience store, and approaches the saleswoman behind the counter.

"What the hell...?" escapes from the woman's lips. Then she remembers to smile. "May I help you?"

"To work late into the darkness of the night is typical of a slut!" He reaches for her shirt collar. "Accept divine...!"

The woman draws a .45 caliber (11.43 mm) pistol and targets the jackass' head. "Freeze!"

"Oh shit!" The jackass turns around and runs out the door. "She's not supposed to fight back!" he whines, thinking of the actresses in 'Penetrator'. He jumps behind the dumpster as the saleswoman steps out the door, seeking the jackass from behind her gunsight.

Minutes later, a police car pulls up to the store. "You okay, Shelly?" a policewoman asks as she exits the car.

"Yeah, but the creep got away," the saleswoman answers.

The jackass stares at the policewoman's butt as she enters the store. "How dare she dress up as a man?! She's denying her place in society! I must right this wrong by punishing this slut!" The jackass creeps towards the police car and tries to open the passenger-side door, planning to hide inside as the policewoman drives away, and then assault her. "Shit! It's locked!" He creeps around the car and tries to open the driver-side door. "Shit!" He doesn't notice the policewoman approach the car.

"Freeze!" She draws a .45 caliber pistol and targets the jackass' head. "Identify yourself!"

"Oh shit!" The jackass runs away. Fortunately, the policewoman assumes he's trying to lead her into a trap, and chooses not to pursue him.

"I'm beat." The jackass goes home, sleeps until noon, and wakes up. "How am I gonna...? I know! I'll launch a daring assault in broad daylight! The sluts will never expect that!" He wears a trench coat over the leather costume. "Shit, it's hot!" He creeps down the street, past a house, and sees a housewife mixing cake batter through the kitchen window. "For whom is she cooking for? Her man's at work and her children are at school. She must be a slut, waiting for her lover to come and taste her sweetness!" The jackass creeps to the living room window and tries to open it, triggering an alarm. "Oh shit!"

The housewife steps into the living room, holding several kitchen knives between the fingers of her left hand. "Help!" she screams as her right hand takes the knives and throws them one by one.

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" The jackass turns around and runs away, shaking the three knives embedded in his left shoulder and aggravating the wounds. "Ah!"

"Help!" the housewife screams again.

"Why won't someone help me?! I'm fucking cut like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey!" The jackass extracts the blades from his shoulder. "Ow, ow, ow!" He goes home, grabs a T-shirt from his closet, and tears it. "Shit! My Asia Erotica shirt!" he whines, noticing the picture of two women kissing on the shirt. "Shit!" The jackass takes off the costume and uses the shirt to bandage his wounds. "Ow!" He uses duct tape to mend his costume, and tries to put it on. "Ow! Shit, it's sticking to the bandages!" The jackass pulls on the sleeve. "Ow!" He loses his balance, knocks his head against the floor, and falls unconscious.

The jackass wakes up three hours later. "What time is it?" He turns on the television. "Cartoons? School's out! I better hurry if I wanna violate some schoolgirls!" The jackass runs out the door, towards a high school, and hides behind a tree. Minutes later, two schoolgirls walk together through the front gate. "Lesbians! The Sky Gods frown upon such perversion! As their sword, I must deliver divine judgment to them!" The jackass steps in front of the schoolgirls.

"Good afternoon, Sir," a girl politely says, her left hand behind her back as she in front of her friend. "May I help you?"

"I am Penetrator! You two are lesbian sluts!" He reaches for the girl's hair, planning to grab it and drag her behind the tree. "Face divine...!"

The girl draws a .40 caliber (10 mm) pistol from the holster at the small of her back, and targets the jackass' head. "Back off, creep!"

"Ha! You can't scare me with a toy...!" The pistol blurs before the jackass' eyes. "Ah!" he screams when the girl shoots his right knee. "You bitch! That's a real gun!"

"Yes it is. Now back off, or I'll shoot out your left knee."

"Oh shit!" The jackass limps away. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" He enters a phone booth, takes off his mask, and dials 911.

An ambulance takes the jackass to a hospital, where surgeons remove the bullet. "You say a lesbian slut shot you?" a surgeon asks.

"Yeah! I must punish her!" the jackass swears. After the operation, a police detective enters his recovery room and asks him to describe his assailant. The jackass describes an actress in 'Penetrator' instead. "I must punish her!"

"Stay put. That's my job." The detective exits the room. "Take care of him. I think he's delusional," he whispers to a nurse.

"I will." The nurse enters the room. "Good evening, Sir. How do you feel?"

"I'll be fine if you let me squeeze your boobs. They're big, like a porn star's."

The nurse suppresses a frown. "Well, you don't seem to be in any pain. I guess the medication's working." She takes out a thermometer as the jackass reaches for her breasts. "Hey!" The nurse jabs the thermometer into the forehead.

"Ah!" the jackass cries when the thermometer breaks, cutting his skin.

"If you won't keep your hands to yourself, I'll have them amputated!"

"Fuck, I'm fucking bleeding to death, you fucking bitch!"

The nurse's right forearm slams against the jackass' left temple, knocking him unconscious. "Creep." She throws the broken glass into the trash, cleans and bandages the cut, takes out another thermometer, and takes the jackass' temperature.

The jackass is in a bad mood when he's discharged from the hospital. "Fucking bitches won't accept divine judgment and let me violate them. I know! I'll go to Japan! Jap bitches will let me violate them!" He maxes out another credit card to buy a plane ticket.

On the plane, the stewardess notices the jackass sweating profusely. "Would you like a drink, sir?"

The jackass, wearing a trench coat over his costume, answers, "Do you have seaweed sake?"

"Seaweed sake?"

"You know, where I drink sake out of your cunt. Ah!" the jackass cries when the stewardess slaps him.

"Pervert."

The jackass watches the stewardess angrily stomp away from him. "Man, I got to fuck a slut, like, fucking yesterday!"

It's midnight when the plane lands in Tokyo. The jackass limps through the terminal, past a bookstore, where a newspaper headline states, "'Penetrator' Star Shot and Killed Outside Tokyo High School." Unable to read Japanese, the jackass limps out of the airport to see a woman in a trench coat. "Oh yeah!" He puts on his mask and creeps towards the woman. When the woman is 25 meters away, she suddenly turns to him. "Gasp!"

The trench coat flutters like a raven's wings as the woman marches towards the jackass. "State your business."

"Your clothes and your demeanor mark you as a slut!" The jackass reaches for the woman's wrist. "Accept...!"

The woman reaches into her coat to draw a katana, a Japanese long sword. She beheads the jackass, shakes the blood off her katana, and sheathes it. "I'm not a slut." She walks away, leaving behind the body.

[Kuja]

*laughs hard*

[SpecWar826]

:Slowly walks away from thread:

[Sidewinder]

Four Californian jackasses are playing air guitars as they watch a music video. "Man, rock stars are so cool!"

"Yeah, it must be cool to have hot chicks tearing off your shirt to feel you up," Jackass Two says, describing a scene in the music video.

"Hey, why don't we form a rock band? Then we'll be rock stars, and hot chicks will be tearing off our shirts to feel us up!"

"Awesome!"

"But how are we gonna get the money to buy guitars?" Jackass Four asks.

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "We'll rob a bank!"

"Yeah! Then we'll be rock star bank robbers, and... be cooler than regular rock stars!" Jackass Two adds.

"I'll go get some guns," Jackass Three says as he walks to the door. None of the jackasses consider the fact that none of them know how to play the guitar.

At the pawnshop, Jackass Three stares at a M1911A1 .45 caliber pistol. "That gun looks so cool." He turns to the pawnshop owner and says, "I'll take it."

"800 dollars."

"What?!"

"800 dollars is a good price for a M1911A1," the pawnshop owner says.

"But that means I got to rob a bank, just so I can to buy a gun so I can rob a bank!" Jackass Three protests.

"Watch your mouth, young man. I got to report you to the police and let them do a background check before I let you have a gun." 'Is this guy on drugs?' the pawnshop owner wonders.

"Shit!" Jackass Three goes back to his apartment and explains the problem to his roommates.

"What are we gonna do now?" Jackass Four wonders.

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "I know! We can fill water pistols with lighter fluid to make flamethrowers!"

"Yeah! Then we'll be rock stars bank robbers with flamethrowers, and... be cooler than regular rock stars or bank robbers!"

"I'll go get some water guns and some lighter fluid," Jackass Three says as he walks to the door.

One hour later, Jackass Three returns, and the jackasses fill the water guns with lighter fluid. "Let's see if it works."

Jackass One squirts lighter fluid on Jackass Two, who protests, "Hey! You're ruining my hair!"

"Why ain't flames coming out?"

"That's 'cause you forgot to light it, dumbass!" Jackass Two says as he pulls out a lighter and strikes the flint, sending out a spark that ignites the lighter fluid in his hair. "Shit!" He runs around the room in panic, and then crashes into the television, which falls on his head, knocking him unconscious.

"Shit! What are we gonna watch MTV on now?" Jackass Four cries.

"Don't be a crybaby! We'll buy a bigger, better TV after we rob the bank!" Jackass One exclaims. He leads Jackasses Three and Four out of the apartment. They forget about Jackass Two, whose burning hair ignites the carpet.

Jackass Three drives his roommates to the bank. "Ready?"

"Wait! Ain't we supposed to wear a mask before we rob a bank?" Jackass Four adds.

Jackass One slaps his forehead. "Shit! I almost forgot!"

Jackass Three looks around inside the car. "What are we gonna make the masks out of?"

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "I know! We'll use our socks!"

"Don't they stink?" Jackass Four notes.

"You got a better idea?" Jackass One challenges.

Having no better ideas, the jackasses each take off one sock and stretch it over their heads. "Shit, it does stink!" Jackass Four protests.

"I can't see!" Jackass Three adds.

"Shut up! We got a bank to rob!" Jackass One opens the door and walks onto the road. He doesn't see an approaching truck, which runs over him. "Ahhhh!"

"What the fuck just happened?" Jackass Four walks into the side of the truck, which had stopped. "Ow! My nose!"

The truck driver turns to the jackass. "Hey, you! Call 911! There's been an accident!"

"A witness!" Jackass Four squirts lighter fluid onto the ground in front of the truck driver.

"Stop playing around and call 911!" the truck driver adds.

"Shit! I forgot to light it!" Jackass Four cries.

"I got it." Jackass Three walks towards Jackass Four, takes out a lighter, and sets Jackass Four's shirt on fire.

"Ahhhh!" The burning jackass runs into the side of the truck, knocking himself unconscious.

The bank security guards, alerted by the jackasses' screams, approach Jackass Three. They think the water gun is a real gun, and draw their pistols. "Halt! Drop your weapon!"

"You're not gonna get me alive, coppers!" Jackass Three shouts, quoting from an old movie. He remembers to hold the lighter in front of the water gun, and sends flames towards the guards.

The flames extinguish before they hit their targets. The guards squeeze their triggers, killing the jackass.

That evening, the jackasses become famous as the "Blind Bank Robbers." Jackass Four gets his shirt torn off by hot chicks. Unfortunately, the hot chicks are doctors and nurses who are treating his burns.

[Shroom Man 777]

What a bunch of dicks.

Man, this is like The War on Whores gone HORRIBLY WRONG!

[Sidewinder]

What a bunch of dicks.

Man, this is like The War on Whores gone HORRIBLY WRONG!

Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

[The_Last_Rebel]

You can't fix stupid.