Firewarriors Guide to the Galaxy (40K, Not too serious)
Moderator: LadyTevar
-
Erik von Nein
- Jedi Council Member
- Posts: 1747
- Joined: 2005-06-25 04:27am
- Location: Boy Hell. Much nicer than Girl Hell.
- Contact:
"Right now Abaddon could have led a conga line of black legion terminators while Leman Russ and the rest of the lost primarches tried to attack them with giant beer kegs in his sector and he wouldn't have noticed. "
It doesn't get much better than that!
It doesn't get much better than that!
SDN World 3: The Sultanate of Egypt
SDN World 4: The United Solarian Sovereignty
SDN World 5: San Dorado
There'll be a bodycount, we're gonna watch it rise
The folks at CNN, they won't believe their eyes
-
Elheru Aran
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 13073
- Joined: 2004-03-04 01:15am
- Location: Georgia
Sorry for the delay, but this chapter was a BITCH to get written. Just can't seem to get the correct balance between "Impending doom" and "Funny". Did my best though and I hope it's enough.
Chapter 6: Binge drinking.
The valkyrie dropship raced upwards away from the fireball now dimishing on the planet above. It's five occupants all acutely aware that even this was but a temporary respite against the Tyranid fleet closing it's noose around the system. In short it was just the kind of thing to make a shitty day even worse.
"Valkyrie Delta 15 to Irishman. We're coming in to land." The pilot said.
"Acknowledged Delta 15. Any survivors?"
"Three...." He was about to continue when he heard the noise of a weapon being armed.
"Do not tell them who we are." Mur'Phon whispered with deadly intensity. The pilot swallowed.
"Only three made it out."
"Tell the captain we want to meet him when we come aboard." The Valkyrie pilot was worried. He might be sacrificing his soul here. Then again might lose the soul on one hand and be guaranteed killed by an alien on the other wasn't that hard a choice.
"Our commander says he wants to talk with your captain in person."
Mur'Phon leaned back. Gun across his lap to get up and shoot fast if the pilot tried to betray them.
Miku looked over. "What insane plan have you cooked up now?"
Mur'Phon didn't turn. "Take the command crew hostage, either force them to warp jump or take us to a ship that can. Prefferably into Tau space so I can get home."
"You'll just leave millions of people to get eaten?"
"Well... It's not like it's much I can do. It'd be like attacking a Squiggoth with a pointy stick."
"Well that isn't as much of a mismatch as it sounds actually. There are a suprising ammount of applications for a sharp enough stick. 5360 to be exact that we have discovered so far." Gordonius interjected.
"You guys research applications for sharp sticks? What the hell is that for?"
"Well someone got to do it and it's our responsibility in the admech to know everything there is about technology, even the simple ones."
"How many people are there on that world?"
"On Tarvin A? 42 Millions. A lot of those in the capital of Douglas."
"42 Million...." Miku looked torn.
"Well... That's not really much for a growing hive fleet. Who knows maybe we could convince it to go snack on a hive world or something instead." Mur'Phon commented.
Miku just looked away.
_____________________________________________________________
Captain Darian Jorik entered the shuttle bay. He saw the Valkyrie being prepared to dock. He wondered what was so important. He fought back depression yet again. They were all likely going to be dead in a few days.
He had tried to join the imperial navy at a young age, but the navy had never recruited when he was trying. So he had joined the merchant marine instead. Working on an insystem fuel freighter was a slap to the face, but he had handled it. Now he and the crew he had worked with for decades were all going to be lunch.
He was surprised anyone had gotten up alive. Sergeant Gomez had frankly struck him as an imbecile.
The valkyrie came to a halt on the hangar deck and the doors slip open…
… Revealing a figure in battle armour manning the door mounted heavy bolter facing him. If he had been able to see through the helmet he'd have been able to see Mur'Phon grinning so wide he was sure it was stretching the helmet.
"Good evening Captain. I hope you don't mind but we're commandeering this vessel."
_____________________________________________________________
Gamma squadron were fighting desperately to slow down the overwhelming force of Tyranids. One cruiser was badly battered and would under any normal circumstances have tried to break for it already, but the Captain had refused a direct order to retreat and was staying in the fight. The four cruisers had been in system for a quick and basic maintenance in a safe port before resuming deep space patrol and was the only powerful naval force in system right now. They had served together for centuries and it somehow felt fitting that when they were going to die they were going to die together.
The Tyranids weren't even really bothering to go after them. The malicious mind controlling the fleet saw that these ships couldn't cause enough damage no matter what they did and so far didn't attack them unless they came within their weapon range and instead just kept heading towards the planet to grab the chow for today. They were always more tasty when they had a biosphere this diverse.
For every crewman and officer aboard the squadron there was a stubborn refusal against giving in. They grimly went back to their duty again and again to wear the enemy down. They prayed to the God Emperor for a miracle, for some way to allow them to save millions of innocents with nowhere to run.
What happened would give the phrase "The Emperor works in mysterious ways" a whole new meaning and confuse the minostorium for decades to come.
____________________________________________________________
The bridge was quiet. Mur'Phon was covering Darian with his carbine. Mur'Phon had just ascertained that the ship couldn't flee the system and demanded that Darian ordered his crew to take the ship to another that could. Darian was wrestling. He did not want to give in to a xeno, but on the other hand such a ship could evacuate large people. He was however one of the few people in the system who had dealt with the eldar raiders before and would not let one of them get to one more human he could. He had yet to meet another of her kind that wasn't an utter sadist despite how she looked cuter than a whole army of large eyed puppy collies, looks could be very deceptive as he knew from a life's experience. His entire bridge crew knew as well and he had managed to slip orders that if it came to shooting take her out first, better to be killed quick by the Tau than slowly by her. This made what happened next even more of a shock.
"You can't just run away! We got to do something!" Miku exclaimed.
"We've been over this before. There is nothing we can do." The Tau replied in a voice that despite the helmet sounded rather weary and resigned, though not a trace of guilt.
"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing." Miku said. She wasn't sure where she had heard that one; she hadn't even known she had heard that quote until it just fell out of her mouth. She agreed with the statement wholeheartedly however. And she was wondering why the entire bridge crew was staring at her slack jawed. She was fairly sure she hadn't made that quote up after all.
"Do what? Charge madly in and ram a command ship forcing one of their five or so other command ships to take over? It's insane and will get us all killed for nothing."
"That was the case down there too, yet you and Gordonius came for us. You could just as easily have ditched us and got out safe without firing a shot."
"That was different. It was actually possible." Mur'Phon stated calmly.
"Well actually. The odds of us succeeding were 3051 to 1." Gordonius interjected. Mur'Phon glared at him, and then switched tactics.
"Suppose I agree to try and help what do you want me to do?" She had to concede that there was nothing that could be done.
"I don't know. You are the soldier here. Take stock of what you have on hand and see what can be done with it?" Miku answered. She was a bit doubtful now that it came down to that directly.
He turned to the captain again.
"How many weapons do you have onboard?"
"Not much. A few dozen shotguns and a handful of auto and lasguns."
"And what is your cargo."
"Fifty thousand tons of fuel."
"So we could if we decided to go suicidal make a nice fire ship. Promethium right?"
"No actually. Tarvin B is unusually short of the stuff so we use primarily an alternate stuff we can produce plenty of."
"What kind of fuel."
"Fuel grade Alcohol. Depending on the refinery 90-99% pure alcohol. And we currently have a very high quality load."
Mur'Phon's helmet hid his expression which to comedians the galaxy over was a tragedy of epic proportions.
___________________________________________________________
"You are sure this will work." Mur'Phon asked.
"Of course not! It has never been tested. However most toxins tested have always had a good effect initially so we should get some reaction provided nobody has been desperate enough to try this before." Gordonius was ecstatic. This was just the kind of project he longed for; Difficult, innovative, major and nuts. There was a reason he'd been pawned off to a freighter in the ass-end of nowhere by the Ad-mech.
"What happens if somebody has tried it before?" Mur'Phon was frankly worried by the insane grin that had been plastered on Gordonius's face ever since he announced his idea.
"Most likely it'll just be seriously pissed off and take it's time in killing us. Nothing major."
Mur'Phon swallowed whatever reply he had and backed off a bit as the machinery he was working with right now didn't look that safe
"I have hailed the military ships and told them that we recommend they stay back until we have made our run." Captain Jorik once he'd heard the plan had said himself fully willing to cooperate on the single condition that all crew that could be spared were allowed to jettison themselves in life pods before contact. Mur'Phon had agreed. It'd be a great way to save ammunition if they decided to try and kill him. To quote the guide: When in the field life is cheap, ammunition isn't.
"So… We stay aboard just enough to start pumping in the booze and then scram into escape pods and get to safety?" Miku had been the one who wanted to do something, but she felt superfluous. She didn't have any technical skills that she knew of. And while she had discovered that she could seriously kick ass in a fight, no asses seemed to need kicking. The spikes on her boots made a lot more sense now though.
"That's the plan." Mur'Phon confirmed ejecting and reinserting the clip of the carbine yet again.
"Just one thing I don't get. What is an Irishman?" Miku asked.
"Well according to ancient legends it was a creature on holy terra that had beer for blood…." Gordonius launched into a full tale on what legends claimed. Within minutes everyone hoped the Tyranids would just get there and try to eat them already.
__________________________________________________________
The freighter had been deemed no threat to the hive fleet when it suddenly went to all ahead full and showed that it could do a surprising speed.
The hive mind wasn't worried, even if it went kamikaze it wouldn't do much damage.
When it immediately afterwards went to burn retros in front of the command ship it assumed that since it had been seen recovering a military dropship the troops were trying to face the hive fleet in boarding actions.
Given the immense numerical advantage it was the tyranid equalent of happy to oblige them.
They'd make a nice appetizer before the main event.
____________________________________________________________
"Why are we doing this again?" Mur'Phon asked as he handed some tool he had no idea what was called to Gordonius.
"Because a really good looking woman asked us to, and we really want to stay on her good side if she ever should recover her memories and decide to personally vivisect anyone she doesn't like."
"So she is good looking? I was never quite sure on that. Definitely not my type. I can never quite figure out why you humans find humps on the chest so attractive for instance." Mur'Phon elected not to dwell on the vivisection part.
"You Tau have no idea what you are missing out on then." A young crewman who had volunteered to help on this insane plan asked. Mur'Phon though his name was Finn or Flinn something like that.
"Maybe so. But a nicely shaped Fire Caste female is in my eyes far better looking than any human woman will ever be."
"I got to disagree there." The human replied.
"I can accept that. We're atleast both very sincere."
That was when the general alert started. Mur'Phon unslung his carbine and loaded the grenade launcher.
"That's our signal. Gordonius hurry up. Finn…"
"Flinn."
"Okay Flinn get over to your pump station. We've got a hive fleet to drink under the table."
____________________________________________________________
Gamma squadron waited. They had heard the request from the 'Irishman' and while they couldn't see what that single ship could do they wouldn't lose much from staying away for a few minutes.
Though now they couldn't figure out what the hell the ship was trying to do. Most of their crew seemed to be abandoning ship. Were they going to self destruct in the face of the hive ship? That didn't really fit with their request to hold off.
What the hell were they doing?
____________________________________________________________
The distance was long, but no problem for her mind. She searched the vision again. Something was different. She had searched every possibility, but now reality and her vision had diverged and she had no idea why.
A freighter was somewhere else in reality than it had been in any of the alternative visions she had seen. She couldn't see any divergence even now though. As if it hadn't happened yet.
This was not a big deal by itself, but it was worrisome, if this was different what else would turn out different? Suddenly reality was following a timeline that had not seemed possible a few hours ago. Carefully laid plans might not be correct after all. It was like the universe was changing things around just for the hell of it.
Damn it! It wasn't supposed to do that!
___________________________________________________________
The trio of odd travellers stood at one of the critical junctures in the pump system to ensure everything ran smoothly.
"So what will go wrong?" Mur'Phon asked.
"You mean what can go wrong right?" Miku replied.
"In my experience they are usually the same." Mur'Phon said bleakly.
"Is he always this paranoid?" Miku asked?
"Well. From my observations so far he has a very good reason to be."
"Is it just me or do you two always gang up on me in arguments?"
"It is part of a grand conspiracy by the galaxy to make sure that wherever you go everything tries to make you suffer." Gordonius said with a straight face.
"Right. Give me names, addresses and access to heavy weaponry and we'll see about that." Mur'Phon shot back with a cheerful tone.
Miku just shook her head again. Soldier bantering still didn't make sense to her. Then the ship shuddered and creaked as if the entire ship was about to be crushed.
"Here they come!"
Miku listened to the creaking and though she faintly heard screams of crewmen too close to the breached sectors. The very though of Tyranids made her feel like a little frightened child hiding from monsters in her closet. Worse really, average monsters in closets stayed hidden as long as you were awake, Tyranids would just gun down the door and eat the child without bothering with protocol. If the monster union tried to raise a stink they'd simply send a hungry bio-Titan to represent them. The union would never bother them again after that.
That was when the hull was shredded. From what they saw there was a fleshy tunnel seething with the many Tyranid creatures.
Miku's first note was that the tunnel walls looked extremely icky. Then her fear and hate took over, she was about to leap when the massive pillar of liquid passing by her struck first.
Given the pressures involved it was like being hit by a megaton sized hammer wielded by a seriously pissed off anime girl. The lighter creatures were just outright crushed. The heavier ones were blown back down the tunnel and the large ship creature got a taste of millions of gallons of extremely high grade booze.
Unfortunately it had never managed to eat an Irishman and hence hadn't had the chance to gain inhuman alcohol tolerance.
Several gaunts came running around the corner, or they tried at least and instead tripped and rolled straight into the liquid wall still being sprayed and were crushed. Their coordination and intelligence shot to hell. They could barely stand straight, much less move and attack. It carried down from the hive ship to the lowliest grunt under it's command.
"That's our cue to get out of here." Mur'Phon turned around and immediately recoiled. That saved his life. Behind him was a force of Lictors somehow having snuck up on them without being noticed. Not by his helmet sensors and not by their friendly eldar. And worse yet; according to the guide all successful attempts to take out the Tyranid command system had somehow exempted the Lictors. They seemed to have their own command line down from the hive mind. Which meant that they weren't hit by the drunk effect!
"Oh frak!"
It seemed to go in slow motion as it raised its claw arm to strike, then suddenly at what looked like normal speed in comparison to the slow motion Miku hit them like a cyclone missile barrage and the carnage began. A sword like arm flashed past his head and stuck in the wall and vibrated with a "Twang".
There were only three of them so it was over in an instant and the entire corridor filled with gore and body parts.
"That… That was pretty thorough." Mur'Phon commented still badly shaken. Gordonius hadn't even finished turning around before it was over.
"Well this was some interesting redecoration all right, but shouldn't we move it?"
"That'd be a good idea." Mur'Phon agreed.
Miku was standing there as if in shock. Mur'Phon didn't bother to slow down to prompt her to go. He just grabbed her arm as he ran past and dragged her along.
_________________________________________________________________
Outside as the escape pods shot away from the dying Irishman Gamma squadron got the miracle they were praying for.
Enemy accuracy was so bad it'd been an insult for brain damaged orks, and their control on par with a sentinel walker on rollerblades.
Under those circumstances even a squadron could stop them. Wading into their midst and dishing out everything they had with point plank. A few scout ships were independent of the hive ships and didn't get affected, but they were too few, and too weak.
This battle was forever known as the greatest drunk fight known to man.
________________________________________________________________
NO! Blue eyes shot open.
The visions had all been erased and replaced with a new set. Somehow they had been stopped!
Didn't they know what they were doing? What great damage they were causing? Well of course not, they were lesser creatures who were blind to what was under their noses.
She went over the vision again. This time the past got a lot of attention. She found the point of divergence. Impossible that something that small could ruin so much, but yet it had done just that.
Why couldn't those fucking inferior beings just leave her great plan alone?! Why the hell was everything going wrong today?!
________________________________________________________
End act 1
Chapter 6: Binge drinking.
The valkyrie dropship raced upwards away from the fireball now dimishing on the planet above. It's five occupants all acutely aware that even this was but a temporary respite against the Tyranid fleet closing it's noose around the system. In short it was just the kind of thing to make a shitty day even worse.
"Valkyrie Delta 15 to Irishman. We're coming in to land." The pilot said.
"Acknowledged Delta 15. Any survivors?"
"Three...." He was about to continue when he heard the noise of a weapon being armed.
"Do not tell them who we are." Mur'Phon whispered with deadly intensity. The pilot swallowed.
"Only three made it out."
"Tell the captain we want to meet him when we come aboard." The Valkyrie pilot was worried. He might be sacrificing his soul here. Then again might lose the soul on one hand and be guaranteed killed by an alien on the other wasn't that hard a choice.
"Our commander says he wants to talk with your captain in person."
Mur'Phon leaned back. Gun across his lap to get up and shoot fast if the pilot tried to betray them.
Miku looked over. "What insane plan have you cooked up now?"
Mur'Phon didn't turn. "Take the command crew hostage, either force them to warp jump or take us to a ship that can. Prefferably into Tau space so I can get home."
"You'll just leave millions of people to get eaten?"
"Well... It's not like it's much I can do. It'd be like attacking a Squiggoth with a pointy stick."
"Well that isn't as much of a mismatch as it sounds actually. There are a suprising ammount of applications for a sharp enough stick. 5360 to be exact that we have discovered so far." Gordonius interjected.
"You guys research applications for sharp sticks? What the hell is that for?"
"Well someone got to do it and it's our responsibility in the admech to know everything there is about technology, even the simple ones."
"How many people are there on that world?"
"On Tarvin A? 42 Millions. A lot of those in the capital of Douglas."
"42 Million...." Miku looked torn.
"Well... That's not really much for a growing hive fleet. Who knows maybe we could convince it to go snack on a hive world or something instead." Mur'Phon commented.
Miku just looked away.
_____________________________________________________________
Captain Darian Jorik entered the shuttle bay. He saw the Valkyrie being prepared to dock. He wondered what was so important. He fought back depression yet again. They were all likely going to be dead in a few days.
He had tried to join the imperial navy at a young age, but the navy had never recruited when he was trying. So he had joined the merchant marine instead. Working on an insystem fuel freighter was a slap to the face, but he had handled it. Now he and the crew he had worked with for decades were all going to be lunch.
He was surprised anyone had gotten up alive. Sergeant Gomez had frankly struck him as an imbecile.
The valkyrie came to a halt on the hangar deck and the doors slip open…
… Revealing a figure in battle armour manning the door mounted heavy bolter facing him. If he had been able to see through the helmet he'd have been able to see Mur'Phon grinning so wide he was sure it was stretching the helmet.
"Good evening Captain. I hope you don't mind but we're commandeering this vessel."
_____________________________________________________________
Gamma squadron were fighting desperately to slow down the overwhelming force of Tyranids. One cruiser was badly battered and would under any normal circumstances have tried to break for it already, but the Captain had refused a direct order to retreat and was staying in the fight. The four cruisers had been in system for a quick and basic maintenance in a safe port before resuming deep space patrol and was the only powerful naval force in system right now. They had served together for centuries and it somehow felt fitting that when they were going to die they were going to die together.
The Tyranids weren't even really bothering to go after them. The malicious mind controlling the fleet saw that these ships couldn't cause enough damage no matter what they did and so far didn't attack them unless they came within their weapon range and instead just kept heading towards the planet to grab the chow for today. They were always more tasty when they had a biosphere this diverse.
For every crewman and officer aboard the squadron there was a stubborn refusal against giving in. They grimly went back to their duty again and again to wear the enemy down. They prayed to the God Emperor for a miracle, for some way to allow them to save millions of innocents with nowhere to run.
What happened would give the phrase "The Emperor works in mysterious ways" a whole new meaning and confuse the minostorium for decades to come.
____________________________________________________________
The bridge was quiet. Mur'Phon was covering Darian with his carbine. Mur'Phon had just ascertained that the ship couldn't flee the system and demanded that Darian ordered his crew to take the ship to another that could. Darian was wrestling. He did not want to give in to a xeno, but on the other hand such a ship could evacuate large people. He was however one of the few people in the system who had dealt with the eldar raiders before and would not let one of them get to one more human he could. He had yet to meet another of her kind that wasn't an utter sadist despite how she looked cuter than a whole army of large eyed puppy collies, looks could be very deceptive as he knew from a life's experience. His entire bridge crew knew as well and he had managed to slip orders that if it came to shooting take her out first, better to be killed quick by the Tau than slowly by her. This made what happened next even more of a shock.
"You can't just run away! We got to do something!" Miku exclaimed.
"We've been over this before. There is nothing we can do." The Tau replied in a voice that despite the helmet sounded rather weary and resigned, though not a trace of guilt.
"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing." Miku said. She wasn't sure where she had heard that one; she hadn't even known she had heard that quote until it just fell out of her mouth. She agreed with the statement wholeheartedly however. And she was wondering why the entire bridge crew was staring at her slack jawed. She was fairly sure she hadn't made that quote up after all.
"Do what? Charge madly in and ram a command ship forcing one of their five or so other command ships to take over? It's insane and will get us all killed for nothing."
"That was the case down there too, yet you and Gordonius came for us. You could just as easily have ditched us and got out safe without firing a shot."
"That was different. It was actually possible." Mur'Phon stated calmly.
"Well actually. The odds of us succeeding were 3051 to 1." Gordonius interjected. Mur'Phon glared at him, and then switched tactics.
"Suppose I agree to try and help what do you want me to do?" She had to concede that there was nothing that could be done.
"I don't know. You are the soldier here. Take stock of what you have on hand and see what can be done with it?" Miku answered. She was a bit doubtful now that it came down to that directly.
He turned to the captain again.
"How many weapons do you have onboard?"
"Not much. A few dozen shotguns and a handful of auto and lasguns."
"And what is your cargo."
"Fifty thousand tons of fuel."
"So we could if we decided to go suicidal make a nice fire ship. Promethium right?"
"No actually. Tarvin B is unusually short of the stuff so we use primarily an alternate stuff we can produce plenty of."
"What kind of fuel."
"Fuel grade Alcohol. Depending on the refinery 90-99% pure alcohol. And we currently have a very high quality load."
Mur'Phon's helmet hid his expression which to comedians the galaxy over was a tragedy of epic proportions.
___________________________________________________________
"You are sure this will work." Mur'Phon asked.
"Of course not! It has never been tested. However most toxins tested have always had a good effect initially so we should get some reaction provided nobody has been desperate enough to try this before." Gordonius was ecstatic. This was just the kind of project he longed for; Difficult, innovative, major and nuts. There was a reason he'd been pawned off to a freighter in the ass-end of nowhere by the Ad-mech.
"What happens if somebody has tried it before?" Mur'Phon was frankly worried by the insane grin that had been plastered on Gordonius's face ever since he announced his idea.
"Most likely it'll just be seriously pissed off and take it's time in killing us. Nothing major."
Mur'Phon swallowed whatever reply he had and backed off a bit as the machinery he was working with right now didn't look that safe
"I have hailed the military ships and told them that we recommend they stay back until we have made our run." Captain Jorik once he'd heard the plan had said himself fully willing to cooperate on the single condition that all crew that could be spared were allowed to jettison themselves in life pods before contact. Mur'Phon had agreed. It'd be a great way to save ammunition if they decided to try and kill him. To quote the guide: When in the field life is cheap, ammunition isn't.
"So… We stay aboard just enough to start pumping in the booze and then scram into escape pods and get to safety?" Miku had been the one who wanted to do something, but she felt superfluous. She didn't have any technical skills that she knew of. And while she had discovered that she could seriously kick ass in a fight, no asses seemed to need kicking. The spikes on her boots made a lot more sense now though.
"That's the plan." Mur'Phon confirmed ejecting and reinserting the clip of the carbine yet again.
"Just one thing I don't get. What is an Irishman?" Miku asked.
"Well according to ancient legends it was a creature on holy terra that had beer for blood…." Gordonius launched into a full tale on what legends claimed. Within minutes everyone hoped the Tyranids would just get there and try to eat them already.
__________________________________________________________
The freighter had been deemed no threat to the hive fleet when it suddenly went to all ahead full and showed that it could do a surprising speed.
The hive mind wasn't worried, even if it went kamikaze it wouldn't do much damage.
When it immediately afterwards went to burn retros in front of the command ship it assumed that since it had been seen recovering a military dropship the troops were trying to face the hive fleet in boarding actions.
Given the immense numerical advantage it was the tyranid equalent of happy to oblige them.
They'd make a nice appetizer before the main event.
____________________________________________________________
"Why are we doing this again?" Mur'Phon asked as he handed some tool he had no idea what was called to Gordonius.
"Because a really good looking woman asked us to, and we really want to stay on her good side if she ever should recover her memories and decide to personally vivisect anyone she doesn't like."
"So she is good looking? I was never quite sure on that. Definitely not my type. I can never quite figure out why you humans find humps on the chest so attractive for instance." Mur'Phon elected not to dwell on the vivisection part.
"You Tau have no idea what you are missing out on then." A young crewman who had volunteered to help on this insane plan asked. Mur'Phon though his name was Finn or Flinn something like that.
"Maybe so. But a nicely shaped Fire Caste female is in my eyes far better looking than any human woman will ever be."
"I got to disagree there." The human replied.
"I can accept that. We're atleast both very sincere."
That was when the general alert started. Mur'Phon unslung his carbine and loaded the grenade launcher.
"That's our signal. Gordonius hurry up. Finn…"
"Flinn."
"Okay Flinn get over to your pump station. We've got a hive fleet to drink under the table."
____________________________________________________________
Gamma squadron waited. They had heard the request from the 'Irishman' and while they couldn't see what that single ship could do they wouldn't lose much from staying away for a few minutes.
Though now they couldn't figure out what the hell the ship was trying to do. Most of their crew seemed to be abandoning ship. Were they going to self destruct in the face of the hive ship? That didn't really fit with their request to hold off.
What the hell were they doing?
____________________________________________________________
The distance was long, but no problem for her mind. She searched the vision again. Something was different. She had searched every possibility, but now reality and her vision had diverged and she had no idea why.
A freighter was somewhere else in reality than it had been in any of the alternative visions she had seen. She couldn't see any divergence even now though. As if it hadn't happened yet.
This was not a big deal by itself, but it was worrisome, if this was different what else would turn out different? Suddenly reality was following a timeline that had not seemed possible a few hours ago. Carefully laid plans might not be correct after all. It was like the universe was changing things around just for the hell of it.
Damn it! It wasn't supposed to do that!
___________________________________________________________
The trio of odd travellers stood at one of the critical junctures in the pump system to ensure everything ran smoothly.
"So what will go wrong?" Mur'Phon asked.
"You mean what can go wrong right?" Miku replied.
"In my experience they are usually the same." Mur'Phon said bleakly.
"Is he always this paranoid?" Miku asked?
"Well. From my observations so far he has a very good reason to be."
"Is it just me or do you two always gang up on me in arguments?"
"It is part of a grand conspiracy by the galaxy to make sure that wherever you go everything tries to make you suffer." Gordonius said with a straight face.
"Right. Give me names, addresses and access to heavy weaponry and we'll see about that." Mur'Phon shot back with a cheerful tone.
Miku just shook her head again. Soldier bantering still didn't make sense to her. Then the ship shuddered and creaked as if the entire ship was about to be crushed.
"Here they come!"
Miku listened to the creaking and though she faintly heard screams of crewmen too close to the breached sectors. The very though of Tyranids made her feel like a little frightened child hiding from monsters in her closet. Worse really, average monsters in closets stayed hidden as long as you were awake, Tyranids would just gun down the door and eat the child without bothering with protocol. If the monster union tried to raise a stink they'd simply send a hungry bio-Titan to represent them. The union would never bother them again after that.
That was when the hull was shredded. From what they saw there was a fleshy tunnel seething with the many Tyranid creatures.
Miku's first note was that the tunnel walls looked extremely icky. Then her fear and hate took over, she was about to leap when the massive pillar of liquid passing by her struck first.
Given the pressures involved it was like being hit by a megaton sized hammer wielded by a seriously pissed off anime girl. The lighter creatures were just outright crushed. The heavier ones were blown back down the tunnel and the large ship creature got a taste of millions of gallons of extremely high grade booze.
Unfortunately it had never managed to eat an Irishman and hence hadn't had the chance to gain inhuman alcohol tolerance.
Several gaunts came running around the corner, or they tried at least and instead tripped and rolled straight into the liquid wall still being sprayed and were crushed. Their coordination and intelligence shot to hell. They could barely stand straight, much less move and attack. It carried down from the hive ship to the lowliest grunt under it's command.
"That's our cue to get out of here." Mur'Phon turned around and immediately recoiled. That saved his life. Behind him was a force of Lictors somehow having snuck up on them without being noticed. Not by his helmet sensors and not by their friendly eldar. And worse yet; according to the guide all successful attempts to take out the Tyranid command system had somehow exempted the Lictors. They seemed to have their own command line down from the hive mind. Which meant that they weren't hit by the drunk effect!
"Oh frak!"
It seemed to go in slow motion as it raised its claw arm to strike, then suddenly at what looked like normal speed in comparison to the slow motion Miku hit them like a cyclone missile barrage and the carnage began. A sword like arm flashed past his head and stuck in the wall and vibrated with a "Twang".
There were only three of them so it was over in an instant and the entire corridor filled with gore and body parts.
"That… That was pretty thorough." Mur'Phon commented still badly shaken. Gordonius hadn't even finished turning around before it was over.
"Well this was some interesting redecoration all right, but shouldn't we move it?"
"That'd be a good idea." Mur'Phon agreed.
Miku was standing there as if in shock. Mur'Phon didn't bother to slow down to prompt her to go. He just grabbed her arm as he ran past and dragged her along.
_________________________________________________________________
Outside as the escape pods shot away from the dying Irishman Gamma squadron got the miracle they were praying for.
Enemy accuracy was so bad it'd been an insult for brain damaged orks, and their control on par with a sentinel walker on rollerblades.
Under those circumstances even a squadron could stop them. Wading into their midst and dishing out everything they had with point plank. A few scout ships were independent of the hive ships and didn't get affected, but they were too few, and too weak.
This battle was forever known as the greatest drunk fight known to man.
________________________________________________________________
NO! Blue eyes shot open.
The visions had all been erased and replaced with a new set. Somehow they had been stopped!
Didn't they know what they were doing? What great damage they were causing? Well of course not, they were lesser creatures who were blind to what was under their noses.
She went over the vision again. This time the past got a lot of attention. She found the point of divergence. Impossible that something that small could ruin so much, but yet it had done just that.
Why couldn't those fucking inferior beings just leave her great plan alone?! Why the hell was everything going wrong today?!
________________________________________________________
End act 1
-
Ford Prefect
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8254
- Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
- Location: The real number domain
Now that's just hilarious - they made a splinter fleet drunk for the Emperor's sake. That's classic.
And that's brilliant."Just one thing I don't get. What is an Irishman?" Miku asked.
"Well according to ancient legends it was a creature on holy terra that had beer for blood…."
What is Project Zohar?
Here's to a certain mostly harmless nutcase.
Here's to a certain mostly harmless nutcase.
-
A-Wing_Slash
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 376
- Joined: 2005-09-20 09:22pm
-
Comando293
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 190
- Joined: 2005-11-04 07:56pm
- Location: Right Behind You
- Contact:
Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated. 
Anyway a general question:
Before I start the part of my story arc I have dubbed 'Act 2: Lay of the land' (This was 'Act 1: Murphy's law' in my story plan) I have hit upon inspiration to an interlude with a few key pieces of Miku's backstory as they are seem somewhat interesting and unlike the other two chars I'm not likely to need them in story, now usually I'd just write it up and post it, but there are a few reasons I'm hesitant:
1) It doesn't actually add much to the story except using a few pieces I've prepared that wouldn't otherwise be used. It's not neccesary and it's not part of the main arc in any way.
2) It's not humor. It's more depressing. This story is meant to be funny and make people laugh. This would break with that.
3) It's a bit to centric on one of my chars who has already gotten a lot of attention in-story. (Mostly because she is the only one of the group who is actually screwed up mentally. Despite how it appears both Mur'Phon and Gordonius are merely unorthodox, quick thinkers and unconventional, they are both sane and stable.)
4) It'll take a few days to write. I'd likely use it to get a break and gather up ideas for more jokes for the main story, but I can just toss myself onto act 2 and probably get the first chapter there done slightly faster.
Because of this I'm gonna ask you guys who actually read this thing: Do you want to see that story? I've asked most of my pre-readers already and they are undecided. If there's enough interest for it I'll write it. Hell I may write it anyway and just keep it on my harddisk if not.
Anyway a general question:
Before I start the part of my story arc I have dubbed 'Act 2: Lay of the land' (This was 'Act 1: Murphy's law' in my story plan) I have hit upon inspiration to an interlude with a few key pieces of Miku's backstory as they are seem somewhat interesting and unlike the other two chars I'm not likely to need them in story, now usually I'd just write it up and post it, but there are a few reasons I'm hesitant:
1) It doesn't actually add much to the story except using a few pieces I've prepared that wouldn't otherwise be used. It's not neccesary and it's not part of the main arc in any way.
2) It's not humor. It's more depressing. This story is meant to be funny and make people laugh. This would break with that.
3) It's a bit to centric on one of my chars who has already gotten a lot of attention in-story. (Mostly because she is the only one of the group who is actually screwed up mentally. Despite how it appears both Mur'Phon and Gordonius are merely unorthodox, quick thinkers and unconventional, they are both sane and stable.)
4) It'll take a few days to write. I'd likely use it to get a break and gather up ideas for more jokes for the main story, but I can just toss myself onto act 2 and probably get the first chapter there done slightly faster.
Because of this I'm gonna ask you guys who actually read this thing: Do you want to see that story? I've asked most of my pre-readers already and they are undecided. If there's enough interest for it I'll write it. Hell I may write it anyway and just keep it on my harddisk if not.
-
Comando293
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 190
- Joined: 2005-11-04 07:56pm
- Location: Right Behind You
- Contact:
Yes. You should definitely add to the main story arc. If you do plan to include the extra stuff, put it as a substory at the end, like deleted scenes on a DVD.
This kind of story depends on funny, and if you need a break to think off more jokes, then by all means take one. Not a long one though....
This kind of story depends on funny, and if you need a break to think off more jokes, then by all means take one. Not a long one though....
Avatar courtesy of Alan Bolte and Glimmervoid
-
A-Wing_Slash
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 376
- Joined: 2005-09-20 09:22pm
If you need a break to think up more jokes, by all means take it. A good story that takes its time is far better than a not so good story that comes and goes quickly. Besides, the extra stuff sounds cool on its own, even if its not funny.4) It'll take a few days to write. I'd likely use it to get a break and gather up ideas for more jokes for the main story.
I agree, the serious stuff should be at the end, since the story is so heavily based on humor.
The other criticism I had concerned your grammar near the end, especially the way you worded some sentences, like this one:
The other criticism I had concerned your grammar near the end, especially the way you worded some sentences, like this one:
That could have been one full sentence, or the second one could have been reworded into "The ships waded into the midst of the Tyranid fleet and dished out everything they had at pointblank range."Under those circumstances even a squadron could stop them. Wading into their midst and dishing out everything they had with point plank
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
-
Ford Prefect
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8254
- Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
- Location: The real number domain
And after you finish this, you might see if WhiteDwarf is accepting submissions 
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
-
Erik von Nein
- Jedi Council Member
- Posts: 1747
- Joined: 2005-06-25 04:27am
- Location: Boy Hell. Much nicer than Girl Hell.
- Contact:
Awesome end to a great act. Though, I agree with Tevar about the grammar thing. It's not all that bad since you can still tell what you meant to write, but it's a bit distracting sometimes. Otherwise, it was great. Those poor 'Nids never knew what hit them."To make an apple pie from scratch you must first invent the universe."
— Carl Sagan
— Carl Sagan
Sorry for the long delay guys. I caught the flu when writing this and frankly I can't write humor for shit when I'm feeling shitty (Pun intended).
I'm mostly over it now though and managed to nail together a chapter with ducttape and prayers to the machine god. Hope it's up to par.
Chapter 7: We're here!
"Did you notice how little went wrong during that last operation?" Gordonius commented as they waited for the escape pod to hit.
"Well yeah. It just proves that everything that happened to me is a coincidence." Mur'Phon commented as he took another mouthful of his field ration. He finally felt he had some vindication on that.
"Not really I have noted that when things went wrong they never went wrong for just you, but virtually everyone close by you. The tyranids were the only one on the first freighter that came out unscathed. So maybe it just got delayed."
"Are you saying it was their turn to have everything go wrong?" Miku asked.
"Or! It was just coincidences all along and finally it showed." Mur'Phon stated.
Miku looked at him quizzically and then turned to Gordonius.
"I had no idea it was possible to be that strongly in denial." She said. Mur'Phon just looked at her with a hurt expression.
____________________________________________________________
It was a peaceful and beautiful forest. Atleast on the surface, as with all forests the predators and prey were busy killing each other brutally and any observer wouldn't see it because they had the decency to do it in private. Which begs the question: If an ork maims an eldar in the forest and no humans are there to see it did it happen? The normal guard answer is of course usually a massive artillery bombardment of the spot suspected to have aliens so that it never finished the maiming. It was hard to be philosophical in the face of a nine barrel earthshaker salute.
The box had been hidden for almost forty thousand years. For some reason a recent rainfall had uncovered it. It was a stasis box, by sheer coincidence it finally started to fail then. Out of the small box came a small furry ball like creature. It was undeniably cute, but was a threat that could very well have an inquisitor declare exterminatus on the entire world. Because the small fur ball reproduced extremely fast. And while a herbivore it could eat most things. It started reproducing and within minutes there was a small heap of the creatures. Unless someone stumbled over them soon the entire planet was doomed.
That was when the escape pod hit them. It skidded along the ground crushing nearly all of them making a long impact skid mark in the soft ground.
Somehow a single one survived being dragged along. It was nearly impossible but it had happened, it was dying, but if it could reproduce just once before it died it could save it's species. It made it. A single new furball popped up next to them and if it had any human intelligence it would have felt a great satisfaction that it could die in peace knowing that it had saved its species.
That was when the escape pod hatch dropped down crushing both of them. Tribble-kind was finally wiped out.
"We're here!" Mur'Phon said cheerfully.
_____________________________________________________________
The local governor was not happy. Not happy at all.
"Are you saying a xeno saved our beautiful planet?!?!" He said his fat face red with anger.
"Yes sir. For the third time: Had not that xeno decided to hijack the fuel freighter the 'Irishman' we would have been hit full on by that splinter fleet and overwhelmed."
"It is impossible. The xeno are not more capable than mankind and therefore can't have come up with a plan that actually worked when our people did not!" The governor's newest advisor had been imposed from the outside to counteract the increasing Tau influence. Young, attractive and female it meant that she could sure as hell hold the governors attention and she was as anti-xeno as they came. She wasn't actually any secret agency, but she had been hand picked for the job subtly by the inquisition. It seemed the most elegant solution.
"We'll have to execute the entire crew for telling lies of course." She was however so stubborn that if the world didn't match her world view it had better go and change to fit it right now or she'd throw a hissy fit.
"Sorry Ma'am we can't find them. There was no list and escape pods came down all over the hemisphere."
"I don't care how. I want this lie suppressed and I want it suppressed now!"
"You will do no such thing." The dark hooded person who entered the room intoned.
"Because the resources needed to do that are needed elsewhere by the order of His Imperial's Majesty's inquisition."
___________________________________________________________
The camp was simple. The subject of discussion wasn't.
"Maybe you could ditch the armour. Then you won't be an enemy soldier." Miku suggested.
"Yeah great idea: Not only can they see I'm an alien, but they don't have to bother breaking out their big guns to kill me."
"Maybe they won't try to kill you. You did save their planet after all." Miku tried more weakly.
"Shouldn't there be a law against being that optimistic?" Mur'Phon said.
"We could grab a black coat and give your armour a dark paint job. It'd be an eye grabber, but orange armour is an even eye grabber."
"First it's not orange it is light brown. B-R-O-W-N. Secondly it works well in deserts. We are not repainting my armour."
He stopped as he saw both Miku and Gordonius closing in on him from angles with evil smiles, various pieces of gear from the escape pods in their hands.
"No, no, no. NOOOOOOOO!"
___________________________________________________________
"Aw c'mon. You look cool." Miku said.
"I'm not talking to you two." The armour had gotten a dark blue paintjob. Slabs of metal had been wielded onto the helmet besides the bar with the sensors giving it a T-shape. On them they had fastened darkened goggles to give the impression that this was where he looked out off, adding a few red glowing diodes inside them meant that in the dark his eyes looked intimidating red. All in all the part of the armour you saw looked very little like something the Tau made.
Most of it was covered under a dark cloak though making the overall impact really dark and intimidating. Where they had gotten all this stuff was beyond Mur'Phon. He had no idea you could get so much out of an imperial escape pod. He had to remember never to use one again.
"There is indeed several independents of the Imperium that run around looking like that. Bounty hunters, lower class body guards, a few mercenaries and people like that." Gordonius commented.
"Low lives in other words."
"Well yes. But better than walking around being identified as a non-human and having every soldier wannabe on the hemisphere declare Tau season. You might even earn a few credits."
Mur'Phon sighed. They had a point. He had to keep a practical view on this. Still, for all he might moan and complain about his Empire's leadership (Well out of earshot of said leadership of course, There wasn't a star nation in the galaxy that had free speech as far as he knew) his job was one of the few things he took pride in. And the armour was an extension of that. Which meant that doing something like this was one of the few things Mur'Phon was uncomfortable with doing even in the name of survival.
"Well what can you tell me about this world?"
"Tarvin A is an eccentric world, it was up until recently fully feudal with comparative technology level. For unknown reasons sector command decided to try and uplift the world to more civilized standards starting roughly twenty years ago. Up until then all modern technology had been in space or on Tarvin B."
"Right I though the research lab looked older than twenty years, but what makes this world so eccentric?"
"The fact that so far the uplift project has met massive complications, mostly the nobility who are scared of the technology and have worked to keep it out anyway possible, which means that this world is a curious amalgam of modern technology and primitivism. The fact that there are feral orks here also complicate the local situation a bit."
Mur'Phon spun around.
"You never said anything about Orks?!" They had been one of the most common alien visitors on Tash'Var and had horrible manners to put it mildly. Their main hobby was fighting, but after that they tended to have a very simple approach to things: They'd enslave anything that could be enslaved, what wasn't practical to enslave (Or if they happened to be hungry) they'd eat, what couldn't be eaten they looted, what couldn't be looted they blew up to see a pretty explosion.
It was rumoured that they had descended from the creature 'soccer hooligans' who according to old legends had a very similar approach to things.
Gordonius seemed fairly undisturbed by Mur'Phon's reaction though.
"You never asked, and they are all supposedly contained within a quarantine zone pending the arrival of enough forces to wipe them out completely."
"Supposedly?" Mur'Phon's voice had the calm of Abaddon the Despoiler getting bad news before he had gotten his morning coffee, Tau from Tash'Var hated Orks more than the rest of the Tau empire, in fact you'd be hard pressed to find any planet in the galaxy with more hate for Orks than Tash'Var, they existed, but they weren't many.
"Well, since we have you along I figure it is inevitable that sooner or later we run into them, and as we are currently outside the quarantine zone that means they'll have to get out of it."
Mur'Phon glared at Gordonius in silence. Miku had to resist the urge to laugh.
_________________________________________________________
The morning was beautiful; the fragments of the hive fleet burning up had made it a spectacular night, as it was still falling the sun reflecting off it made for a stunning view.
Miku would have preferred if someone could please turn off the sun, or at least dim it a little. Dark Eldar live in dark places, and for the most part a life time of darkness meant that they had some serious problems handling bright light.
She was having a major headache due to all the light, comparable to what the hive mind was probably waking up with right now. The kind where it seemed the remainder of squat kind had gotten together in your head doing a combined mine enterprising/biggest keg party in history using heavy drills while having drunk enough to have made Leman Russ proud. And let's not even mention what they did with the dynamite.
She wondered how the hell her companions were handling all that light, they must be incredibly tough to take it so casually. She resolved not to complain about it then; she didn't want to be whiny.
The small town was quite a bit more advanced than the rest of the region, mostly due to being near the frontier, but also away from the nearest nobles, they faced a lot of problems with no inbred idiot to try and keep them primitive out of fear.
The gates and walls were primitive design, but reinforced by modern materials making them potent defensive works against raiders and other small scale engagements. The lack of military grade weaponry would make them an easy training exercise against proper forces. Mur'Phon noted fifteen ways on approach that his cadre could have taken this place out with minimal losses. Granted fourteen of them would be deemed so insane by Tau standards that only Mur'Phon could think them up, but the by the by the book approach should have been able to work too in any case.
The city streets were dirty, but no more than any city. The few people in the streets had simple clothes, but seemed well enough off.
Miku was squinting her eyes, as the day got brighter her headache was getting worse. Which was why she didn't see the three people that were getting out of the large blocky building in front of her while visible shaking on their hands and holding large bags. She walked straight into one of them making him drop his bag and credit chits spill out all over the street.
"Oh I'm so sorry..." Miku's apology was cut short as the two other crooks reached for guns.
"Back off! We won't be taken alive." Mur'Phon's weapon was up and ready with a soft, but ominous hum of the safety being taken off and the click from Gordonius's shotgun wasn't very comforting either.
"Good, that makes it easier for us. You absolutely sure you mean that right?" Mur'Phon commented. Their weapons were small civilian grade autopistols. They'd just bounce off his armour if they tried to shoot him, but his comrades were another matter.
The crooks however were astute enough (barely) to recognize military professionalism when they saw it and knew they'd lose any shootout. The one who had dropped the bag grabbed Miku and put a pistol to her head using her as shield.
"Back off or the girl gets it!"
Mur'Phon sighed, how stupid could you get?
"Miku kick their asses." He was frankly surprised that she had let herself be grabbed in the first place.
"I don't want to hurt anyone." She replied simply.
Inside his helmet Mur'Phon was gaping.
"Uh? I didn't quite get that. In case you haven't noticed they are holding a gun to your head and threatening to kill you!"
"I don't think two wrongs make a right. There has to be some way to solve this peacefully right?" Her big black eyes were remiscient of the eyes of a baby seal. In all stories this kind of pleading would make the hero stupidly let the villains get away and therefore be forced to deal with them later, but overall it'd earn him brownie points with the chick so it'd be worth it.
However baby seals had been extinct for millennia. It was doubtful that any of Mur'Phons ancestors had even walked the galaxy at the same time as baby seals.
Of course his ancestors were the great hunters of the plains of the Tau homeworld. If his great great (^1000 or so) grandfather had encountered a baby seal he would have looked at it and said:
"Aw how cute..."
Which would have immediately have been followed by:
"...I wonder cuteness tastes."
Followed by a quick, efficient, brutal and painful (for the seal) baby seal clubbing he'd fry it on a stick over open fire. He'd think it was not bad at all and in the future go out of his way to kill any such beings he came across for dinner.
Back to the present Mur'Phon was a bit more civilized, but due to the fact that he was also entirely un-attracted to more human/eldar females, still quite able to resist it. He was at a bit of a loss how to handle it.
"Uh... What?" One of the crooks said.
"Shut up amateur. The Pro's are talking." The force behind this statement made the crook shut up just like that. He turned to Miku, the sudden intervention had brought a solution into focus.
"Okay, in that case you give me no choice."
He lifted the carbine to his shoulder.
"Kick their asses or I'll blow their heads off. That way you will be saving their lives. Nobody takes any of my friends hostage"
"Are you sure that you'll shoot them?" She said worried.
"Yes, absolutely."
"Oh all right..."
The one holding her hostage never even noticed that she had twisted her way out of his grasp and gotten her head out of the way of his gun when the boot arrived at his with the speed of a ferret with sugar rush.
The one on his left was about to give what he though was a smart reply when he was head butted and then tossed landing hard on his face in the dusty street.
The last one barely had time to register some movement before he was hit by three punches in lightening succession perfectly placed to take him out of action with minimal harm done and he collapsed as a sack of potatoes.
Miku had not even broken a sweat, once she had started moving these three had for all intents and purposes been standing still as far as she was concerned.
"I hope they'll all be okay?" She said, afraid that she might have been too hard on them, she hadn't intended to be so rough on them, and she just hadn't known they were that slow.
"Meh, they'll be fine." Mur'Phon said. The third one was groaning not knocked out yet. He was reaching out, presumably for his weapon.
Mur'Phon stepped forward putting his right hoof on his hand. The crook screamed.
"Don't bother. We're staying right here until the authorities arrive."
"Oh? But I though..." Gordonius started.
"Well if we're going to do some work here we are going to have to clear it with the authorities anyway. Might as well do it with a haul in hand."
"Oh. Yes correct." Better to step into their deception sooner than later.
______________________________________________________________
Officer Hawkorn though he had seen everything that could happen in this town, he realized he was wrong.
He had heard about bounty hunters, but he had never figured that one would bother to do that out here. And on the off chance that one did show up he hadn't expected anything like this: A trio of hunters, the leader staring at him through that dark T-visored helmet.
"Well... I'm sure we can arrange something despite you running into these people before having approval to work here. It was a good way you dealt with it. It's just... Look can you please take off that helmet?"
"Sorry, no." The armoured bounty hunter said. The tech priest beside him cleared his throat. Hawkorn wondered what kind of contacts he had to be able to get a tech priest to work for him.
"My friend here took some rather severe battle damage in a firefight a few years back and requires the suit for life support. In fact he is roughly 50% machine by now."
Great, just great. He thought.
"All right then. What is your name hunter?"
"Call me..." He hesitated for a moment then answered.
"Murphy."
I'm mostly over it now though and managed to nail together a chapter with ducttape and prayers to the machine god. Hope it's up to par.
Chapter 7: We're here!
"Did you notice how little went wrong during that last operation?" Gordonius commented as they waited for the escape pod to hit.
"Well yeah. It just proves that everything that happened to me is a coincidence." Mur'Phon commented as he took another mouthful of his field ration. He finally felt he had some vindication on that.
"Not really I have noted that when things went wrong they never went wrong for just you, but virtually everyone close by you. The tyranids were the only one on the first freighter that came out unscathed. So maybe it just got delayed."
"Are you saying it was their turn to have everything go wrong?" Miku asked.
"Or! It was just coincidences all along and finally it showed." Mur'Phon stated.
Miku looked at him quizzically and then turned to Gordonius.
"I had no idea it was possible to be that strongly in denial." She said. Mur'Phon just looked at her with a hurt expression.
____________________________________________________________
It was a peaceful and beautiful forest. Atleast on the surface, as with all forests the predators and prey were busy killing each other brutally and any observer wouldn't see it because they had the decency to do it in private. Which begs the question: If an ork maims an eldar in the forest and no humans are there to see it did it happen? The normal guard answer is of course usually a massive artillery bombardment of the spot suspected to have aliens so that it never finished the maiming. It was hard to be philosophical in the face of a nine barrel earthshaker salute.
The box had been hidden for almost forty thousand years. For some reason a recent rainfall had uncovered it. It was a stasis box, by sheer coincidence it finally started to fail then. Out of the small box came a small furry ball like creature. It was undeniably cute, but was a threat that could very well have an inquisitor declare exterminatus on the entire world. Because the small fur ball reproduced extremely fast. And while a herbivore it could eat most things. It started reproducing and within minutes there was a small heap of the creatures. Unless someone stumbled over them soon the entire planet was doomed.
That was when the escape pod hit them. It skidded along the ground crushing nearly all of them making a long impact skid mark in the soft ground.
Somehow a single one survived being dragged along. It was nearly impossible but it had happened, it was dying, but if it could reproduce just once before it died it could save it's species. It made it. A single new furball popped up next to them and if it had any human intelligence it would have felt a great satisfaction that it could die in peace knowing that it had saved its species.
That was when the escape pod hatch dropped down crushing both of them. Tribble-kind was finally wiped out.
"We're here!" Mur'Phon said cheerfully.
_____________________________________________________________
The local governor was not happy. Not happy at all.
"Are you saying a xeno saved our beautiful planet?!?!" He said his fat face red with anger.
"Yes sir. For the third time: Had not that xeno decided to hijack the fuel freighter the 'Irishman' we would have been hit full on by that splinter fleet and overwhelmed."
"It is impossible. The xeno are not more capable than mankind and therefore can't have come up with a plan that actually worked when our people did not!" The governor's newest advisor had been imposed from the outside to counteract the increasing Tau influence. Young, attractive and female it meant that she could sure as hell hold the governors attention and she was as anti-xeno as they came. She wasn't actually any secret agency, but she had been hand picked for the job subtly by the inquisition. It seemed the most elegant solution.
"We'll have to execute the entire crew for telling lies of course." She was however so stubborn that if the world didn't match her world view it had better go and change to fit it right now or she'd throw a hissy fit.
"Sorry Ma'am we can't find them. There was no list and escape pods came down all over the hemisphere."
"I don't care how. I want this lie suppressed and I want it suppressed now!"
"You will do no such thing." The dark hooded person who entered the room intoned.
"Because the resources needed to do that are needed elsewhere by the order of His Imperial's Majesty's inquisition."
___________________________________________________________
The camp was simple. The subject of discussion wasn't.
"Maybe you could ditch the armour. Then you won't be an enemy soldier." Miku suggested.
"Yeah great idea: Not only can they see I'm an alien, but they don't have to bother breaking out their big guns to kill me."
"Maybe they won't try to kill you. You did save their planet after all." Miku tried more weakly.
"Shouldn't there be a law against being that optimistic?" Mur'Phon said.
"We could grab a black coat and give your armour a dark paint job. It'd be an eye grabber, but orange armour is an even eye grabber."
"First it's not orange it is light brown. B-R-O-W-N. Secondly it works well in deserts. We are not repainting my armour."
He stopped as he saw both Miku and Gordonius closing in on him from angles with evil smiles, various pieces of gear from the escape pods in their hands.
"No, no, no. NOOOOOOOO!"
___________________________________________________________
"Aw c'mon. You look cool." Miku said.
"I'm not talking to you two." The armour had gotten a dark blue paintjob. Slabs of metal had been wielded onto the helmet besides the bar with the sensors giving it a T-shape. On them they had fastened darkened goggles to give the impression that this was where he looked out off, adding a few red glowing diodes inside them meant that in the dark his eyes looked intimidating red. All in all the part of the armour you saw looked very little like something the Tau made.
Most of it was covered under a dark cloak though making the overall impact really dark and intimidating. Where they had gotten all this stuff was beyond Mur'Phon. He had no idea you could get so much out of an imperial escape pod. He had to remember never to use one again.
"There is indeed several independents of the Imperium that run around looking like that. Bounty hunters, lower class body guards, a few mercenaries and people like that." Gordonius commented.
"Low lives in other words."
"Well yes. But better than walking around being identified as a non-human and having every soldier wannabe on the hemisphere declare Tau season. You might even earn a few credits."
Mur'Phon sighed. They had a point. He had to keep a practical view on this. Still, for all he might moan and complain about his Empire's leadership (Well out of earshot of said leadership of course, There wasn't a star nation in the galaxy that had free speech as far as he knew) his job was one of the few things he took pride in. And the armour was an extension of that. Which meant that doing something like this was one of the few things Mur'Phon was uncomfortable with doing even in the name of survival.
"Well what can you tell me about this world?"
"Tarvin A is an eccentric world, it was up until recently fully feudal with comparative technology level. For unknown reasons sector command decided to try and uplift the world to more civilized standards starting roughly twenty years ago. Up until then all modern technology had been in space or on Tarvin B."
"Right I though the research lab looked older than twenty years, but what makes this world so eccentric?"
"The fact that so far the uplift project has met massive complications, mostly the nobility who are scared of the technology and have worked to keep it out anyway possible, which means that this world is a curious amalgam of modern technology and primitivism. The fact that there are feral orks here also complicate the local situation a bit."
Mur'Phon spun around.
"You never said anything about Orks?!" They had been one of the most common alien visitors on Tash'Var and had horrible manners to put it mildly. Their main hobby was fighting, but after that they tended to have a very simple approach to things: They'd enslave anything that could be enslaved, what wasn't practical to enslave (Or if they happened to be hungry) they'd eat, what couldn't be eaten they looted, what couldn't be looted they blew up to see a pretty explosion.
It was rumoured that they had descended from the creature 'soccer hooligans' who according to old legends had a very similar approach to things.
Gordonius seemed fairly undisturbed by Mur'Phon's reaction though.
"You never asked, and they are all supposedly contained within a quarantine zone pending the arrival of enough forces to wipe them out completely."
"Supposedly?" Mur'Phon's voice had the calm of Abaddon the Despoiler getting bad news before he had gotten his morning coffee, Tau from Tash'Var hated Orks more than the rest of the Tau empire, in fact you'd be hard pressed to find any planet in the galaxy with more hate for Orks than Tash'Var, they existed, but they weren't many.
"Well, since we have you along I figure it is inevitable that sooner or later we run into them, and as we are currently outside the quarantine zone that means they'll have to get out of it."
Mur'Phon glared at Gordonius in silence. Miku had to resist the urge to laugh.
_________________________________________________________
The morning was beautiful; the fragments of the hive fleet burning up had made it a spectacular night, as it was still falling the sun reflecting off it made for a stunning view.
Miku would have preferred if someone could please turn off the sun, or at least dim it a little. Dark Eldar live in dark places, and for the most part a life time of darkness meant that they had some serious problems handling bright light.
She was having a major headache due to all the light, comparable to what the hive mind was probably waking up with right now. The kind where it seemed the remainder of squat kind had gotten together in your head doing a combined mine enterprising/biggest keg party in history using heavy drills while having drunk enough to have made Leman Russ proud. And let's not even mention what they did with the dynamite.
She wondered how the hell her companions were handling all that light, they must be incredibly tough to take it so casually. She resolved not to complain about it then; she didn't want to be whiny.
The small town was quite a bit more advanced than the rest of the region, mostly due to being near the frontier, but also away from the nearest nobles, they faced a lot of problems with no inbred idiot to try and keep them primitive out of fear.
The gates and walls were primitive design, but reinforced by modern materials making them potent defensive works against raiders and other small scale engagements. The lack of military grade weaponry would make them an easy training exercise against proper forces. Mur'Phon noted fifteen ways on approach that his cadre could have taken this place out with minimal losses. Granted fourteen of them would be deemed so insane by Tau standards that only Mur'Phon could think them up, but the by the by the book approach should have been able to work too in any case.
The city streets were dirty, but no more than any city. The few people in the streets had simple clothes, but seemed well enough off.
Miku was squinting her eyes, as the day got brighter her headache was getting worse. Which was why she didn't see the three people that were getting out of the large blocky building in front of her while visible shaking on their hands and holding large bags. She walked straight into one of them making him drop his bag and credit chits spill out all over the street.
"Oh I'm so sorry..." Miku's apology was cut short as the two other crooks reached for guns.
"Back off! We won't be taken alive." Mur'Phon's weapon was up and ready with a soft, but ominous hum of the safety being taken off and the click from Gordonius's shotgun wasn't very comforting either.
"Good, that makes it easier for us. You absolutely sure you mean that right?" Mur'Phon commented. Their weapons were small civilian grade autopistols. They'd just bounce off his armour if they tried to shoot him, but his comrades were another matter.
The crooks however were astute enough (barely) to recognize military professionalism when they saw it and knew they'd lose any shootout. The one who had dropped the bag grabbed Miku and put a pistol to her head using her as shield.
"Back off or the girl gets it!"
Mur'Phon sighed, how stupid could you get?
"Miku kick their asses." He was frankly surprised that she had let herself be grabbed in the first place.
"I don't want to hurt anyone." She replied simply.
Inside his helmet Mur'Phon was gaping.
"Uh? I didn't quite get that. In case you haven't noticed they are holding a gun to your head and threatening to kill you!"
"I don't think two wrongs make a right. There has to be some way to solve this peacefully right?" Her big black eyes were remiscient of the eyes of a baby seal. In all stories this kind of pleading would make the hero stupidly let the villains get away and therefore be forced to deal with them later, but overall it'd earn him brownie points with the chick so it'd be worth it.
However baby seals had been extinct for millennia. It was doubtful that any of Mur'Phons ancestors had even walked the galaxy at the same time as baby seals.
Of course his ancestors were the great hunters of the plains of the Tau homeworld. If his great great (^1000 or so) grandfather had encountered a baby seal he would have looked at it and said:
"Aw how cute..."
Which would have immediately have been followed by:
"...I wonder cuteness tastes."
Followed by a quick, efficient, brutal and painful (for the seal) baby seal clubbing he'd fry it on a stick over open fire. He'd think it was not bad at all and in the future go out of his way to kill any such beings he came across for dinner.
Back to the present Mur'Phon was a bit more civilized, but due to the fact that he was also entirely un-attracted to more human/eldar females, still quite able to resist it. He was at a bit of a loss how to handle it.
"Uh... What?" One of the crooks said.
"Shut up amateur. The Pro's are talking." The force behind this statement made the crook shut up just like that. He turned to Miku, the sudden intervention had brought a solution into focus.
"Okay, in that case you give me no choice."
He lifted the carbine to his shoulder.
"Kick their asses or I'll blow their heads off. That way you will be saving their lives. Nobody takes any of my friends hostage"
"Are you sure that you'll shoot them?" She said worried.
"Yes, absolutely."
"Oh all right..."
The one holding her hostage never even noticed that she had twisted her way out of his grasp and gotten her head out of the way of his gun when the boot arrived at his with the speed of a ferret with sugar rush.
The one on his left was about to give what he though was a smart reply when he was head butted and then tossed landing hard on his face in the dusty street.
The last one barely had time to register some movement before he was hit by three punches in lightening succession perfectly placed to take him out of action with minimal harm done and he collapsed as a sack of potatoes.
Miku had not even broken a sweat, once she had started moving these three had for all intents and purposes been standing still as far as she was concerned.
"I hope they'll all be okay?" She said, afraid that she might have been too hard on them, she hadn't intended to be so rough on them, and she just hadn't known they were that slow.
"Meh, they'll be fine." Mur'Phon said. The third one was groaning not knocked out yet. He was reaching out, presumably for his weapon.
Mur'Phon stepped forward putting his right hoof on his hand. The crook screamed.
"Don't bother. We're staying right here until the authorities arrive."
"Oh? But I though..." Gordonius started.
"Well if we're going to do some work here we are going to have to clear it with the authorities anyway. Might as well do it with a haul in hand."
"Oh. Yes correct." Better to step into their deception sooner than later.
______________________________________________________________
Officer Hawkorn though he had seen everything that could happen in this town, he realized he was wrong.
He had heard about bounty hunters, but he had never figured that one would bother to do that out here. And on the off chance that one did show up he hadn't expected anything like this: A trio of hunters, the leader staring at him through that dark T-visored helmet.
"Well... I'm sure we can arrange something despite you running into these people before having approval to work here. It was a good way you dealt with it. It's just... Look can you please take off that helmet?"
"Sorry, no." The armoured bounty hunter said. The tech priest beside him cleared his throat. Hawkorn wondered what kind of contacts he had to be able to get a tech priest to work for him.
"My friend here took some rather severe battle damage in a firefight a few years back and requires the suit for life support. In fact he is roughly 50% machine by now."
Great, just great. He thought.
"All right then. What is your name hunter?"
"Call me..." He hesitated for a moment then answered.
"Murphy."
The only other one I spotted was the T-Visored armored bounty hunter, but I can't think of anything involving "Murphy"Rogue 11 wrote:That's actually a double reference. Cookie if anyone can spot the other one. (None of my pre-readers could see it until I pointed it out)
-
NecronLord
- Harbinger of Doom
- Posts: 27383
- Joined: 2002-07-07 06:30am
- Location: The Lost City
Robocop and Boba Fett.
Superior Moderator - BotB - HAB [Drill Instructor]-Writer- Stardestroyer.net's resident Star-God.
"We believe in the systematic understanding of the physical world through observation and experimentation, argument and debate and most of all freedom of will." ~ Stargate: The Ark of Truth
"We believe in the systematic understanding of the physical world through observation and experimentation, argument and debate and most of all freedom of will." ~ Stargate: The Ark of Truth
OMG... You are just evil!Tribble-kind was finally wiped out.
I'm guessing you meant to say that. Another amusing one that nearly had pepsi shooting out my nose."Aw how cute..."
Which would have immediately have been followed by: "...I wonder (how) cuteness tastes."
Very nice, could have been better as a full paragraph grammar-wise, and it was a little unclear who was talking at first. But again, highly amusing."Okay, in that case you give me no choice."
He lifted the carbine to his shoulder.
"Kick their asses or I'll blow their heads off. That way you will be saving their lives. Nobody takes any of my friends hostage
And 'Call me ... murphy' was just the kicker. Great Job!!
Last edited by LadyTevar on 2005-11-18 06:26pm, edited 1 time in total.
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet